Hydaelyn Role-Players
*NSFW* ERP- should both IRL partners be okay with it? - Printable Version

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RE: *NSFW* ERP- should both IRL partners be okay with it? - LiadansWhisper - 10-09-2014

(10-08-2014, 03:15 PM)CrookedTarot Wrote:
(10-08-2014, 02:52 PM)Edgar Wrote:
(10-07-2014, 12:07 PM)thatgirl Wrote: My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend

[Image: GIF_-_FACEWALL_zpsea81ae03.gif]

You're already about to solve the problem, why did you make a thread about it?

The thread could be a legitimate discussion point--mentioning the circumstances BEHIND (heh) the whole thing was not something that should have entered into it at all. Even if the OP wasn't intending to troll, it sounds like trolling bait--the kind of questions one expects to see either a troll create or a troll to leap to respond to.

I'm not gonna say whether I think this is a situation that you should pull out of because for all I know, the OP is just fibbing, being over-dramatic is making things up.

All I know is that ERP is a thing. People that don't MMO are aware that it happens. If you do it and your partner in real life doesn't like it, then discuss it with them. This is talk for IRL since it is differs with every person, even MMO players in the same community.

This entire thread doesn't say to me 'I need some help here with this'.

It SCREAMS 'Lookitme lookitme!'

Actually, what it comes across to me as is, most likely, something happened just prior to the OP posting the thread, and they got extremely upset, which prompted them to post the thread.  Ostensibly, I can see why they would post it here, as their significant other is obviously a roleplayer and perhaps they wished to know how other roleplayers feel about the subject (possibly in an effort to understand their significant other's position on the subject).

I prefer to believe the best about people rather than assuming the worst about their motivations, especially when we truly have no idea of the intent behind the OP, only the circumstances he or she provided.

RE: *NSFW* ERP- should both IRL partners be okay with it? - Aldotsk - 10-09-2014

(10-09-2014, 04:39 AM)LiadansWhisper Wrote:
(10-08-2014, 02:58 PM)Aldotsk Wrote: I stopped caring as soon as this user only had her first post as this.



.... I really hate to say this, but please lock this thread.

If the discussion is civil, why even lock the thread?  Just because you don't like the subject doesn't mean other people shouldn't be allowed to discuss it.  The OP did nothing wrong by posting, even if you disagree with her.
thatgirl Wrote:My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend have been arguing constantly because he cannot - will not- stop engaging in ERP. He knows I feel it is akin to cheating, but he doesn't feel the same way. According to him, I am stupid and an idiot because I asked him to respect our relationship and stop playing out sexual fantasies online. I'd really like some feedback. Please keep in mind that he has cheated on me IRL, with a girl from the game. 

Below, I've included some examples of his ERP. Names have been edited to protect the perverts. 

[clipped]

There is nothing to discuss. It's  really either she -deal- with it or she -break up- over matter of a video game fantasy he's having. It's like saying if a boy watches and plays eroge visual novel and fantasizing it and the girlfriend of his doesn't like it and argues about it - she can make an ultimatum to stay or not.

"Please keep in mind that he has cheated on me IRL, with a girl from the game. " 


I don't know how much I should take it seriously  by this statement.

RE: *NSFW* ERP- should both IRL partners be okay with it? - Kinono - 10-09-2014

If you've told them it's not okay and they don't respect that, then shame on them. I've had a very similar talk about this subject with my own partner a while ago, so I'm going to try to respond to this seriously.

TL;DR- Yes. Both partners should be okay with it. But neither partner should be so quick to deny the other. Compromises exist.

There are multiple facets to be looked at here.

Now, I will start by saying (should OP even still be reading this thread) that ERP is not always about fantasy fulfillment. It can, depending on the person, be used as a methods of plot or character development. My own experiences with it outside of FFXIV (I'm not ashamed!) are all 100% platonic. I know that sounds weird to a lot of people, but to me it's largely just character development. A character can just as easily and logically "discover themselves" through romantic development as with dramatic, or battle, or friendship, or anything else. It depends entirely on the character they've chosen to play, and how that character chooses to receive validation. I've played characters who only existed to win fights, become stronger. I've played characters who viewed their own worth relative to romantic conquests. I've played characters who chose to be instigators of drama and simply existed to try to drive people apart. ERP is not always a romantic, sexual experience between two people so much as it is two people developing their characters with each other in ways where a "fade-to-black" simply won't cut it. It's the same as in a lot of adult fiction; the same author could just as easily fade-to-black or write out an entire scene. The most mature author will only choose to do that latter when it's called for, because the characters somehow learned or evolved during the experience.

Now... all that being said... Most roleplayers are sadly, not that mature. For most of the RP subsets known as ERPers, it's really just about fantasy fulfillment. Whether we as humans like to admit it or not, we are only one person each who can (or are willing to) fill a finite list of fantasies. We're bound by our physical world, and our physical bodies. A little bit of fantasy fulfillment is not unhealthy. Too much, and yeah... It's very unhealthy. Especially if OoC feelings are involved.

I've been roleplaying for years. Years and years. ERP just became an accepted part of the hobby for me, even though I rarely participated myself. I knew people who did, and I didn't think any less of them for it. They were playing characters, and the characters would logically fall together. My partner does not roleplay, but she writes. She understands that development of sexuality can be an important crux in a story, or a character's lifespan. She learned about my hobby and what it entails after we had been together for a while; and her inital reaction was much the same as yours! She told me it was akin to cheating, that I shouldn't be sharing intimate moments with anyone but her...

Frankly, I hadn't even thought about it like that. The hobby was part of who I was, and romantic development was a part of that hobby. The two were inseparable in my mind. Where RP happens, so must ERP. But we sat down together and talked about it. We searched the internet for opinions and testimonies from couples in similar situations, and we landed on a compromise that served to make both of us happy. Though it's restricted the variety of characters I can play, I got to keep my partner, and I got to maintain my favorite hobby. Things couldn't have turned out better.

Whether such a course of action will work for you OP, remains to be seen. But I certainly hope, all things considered, that you both at least try.

RE: *NSFW* ERP- should both IRL partners be okay with it? - Mae - 10-09-2014

I've been watching the thread since just after the logs or examples or whatever were removed... honestly, I can't bring myself to believe the OP isn't trolling. 

On the off-chance, though, that this is a legitimate cry for help and/or for any future legitimate inquiries to the topic, here's my couple of shiny coppers:

Should both IRL partners be okay with ERP? 
-- ERP can be a legitimate aspect of roleplaying; for some people as natural and normal as RPing someone eating or taking a walk somewhere, and it has no more effect on their personal life as RPing eating or taking a walk somewhere. 
-- Of course, there ARE people out there who ERP is done solely for a sense of gratification and a person engaging it has no real legitimate RP reasons behind the act. This is what I would consider cybering, not ERP, but I know not everyone follows the same reasoning I do.
-- Knowing what the motivation is behind the acts is probably one of the first steps in deciding if you should be understanding about your IRL partner's want to participate in ERP.
-- On the flipside, what are your objections to your partner's desire to ERP? Is it an ambiguous "It's wrong/cheating!", or do you have specific reasons that relate to -Your Personal- feelings? If you are really against the idea of your partner ERPing, you will probably get further in reaching some sort of understanding if you first sit down and identify your personal motivations and objections.


Respect the IRL relationship.
-- Of course. The IRL relationship SHOULD always come first. There is, however, no cookie-cutter answer to what "respect the relationship" means, because before you can respect the relationship, you have to define it first, and that definition is going to vary from couple to couple. Communication and understanding is key to any relationship. 
-- There are people here who are in healthy, committed relationships (long-term dating, married, etc) who participate in ERP with people other than their IRL partners, and they have their partner's permission to freely do so. Other people in healthy, committed relationships, their IRL partners have a few stipulations/restrictions ('only if the player of the other character is the same gender', 'only with X-person/people because I know them', etc). Other people, again in healthy and committed relationships, don't participate at all because their IRL partner has objected to the idea. 

As for the OP... again, on what I think is an unlikely chance that it's not a troll... there's obviously more problems in the relationship than just the ERP. There was prior cheating involved, a lack of respect (the name calling), and... some intolerance (the edited-out "perverts" comment). Add to it that the OP had already labeled the boyfriend as the "soon-to-be-ex"... again, there's enough there for me to think that the relationship was doomed even without the ERP aspect.