@Nero:
I'll make sure not to ban your Vaulters just because of the wonderful feedback~Â
Anyways, I appreciate all the feedback and will definitely be making some changes while waiting in queues. I probably won't go more into detail/ask myself more questions, though. This was really just a worldbuilding exercise for myself and just serves as a reference point for my character's profile, which I really have to start working on.
I'll make sure not to ban your Vaulters just because of the wonderful feedback~Â
Quote:Right off the bat, this is starting with a curiously worded contradiction.ÂI just knew that there was something like that in there. I don't know why, but I just knew I was going to contradict myself somewhere and totally miss it. Your example of how you would word it is nice, but a bit too grandiose for myself.
Quote:Alright, so I'm a paragraph into this section titled "History" and have yet to read any actual history.ÂThat would be because I originally planned on including history, but chose not to, and then forgot to change the header. My bad.Â
Quote:Okay, so my question here is: what's the current status of the tribe?Intentionally left vague, but I can see how that would be confusing. The members fled in many different directions and didn't exactly have a plan ready for meeting back up. Some of the members that escaped in a group might have tried rebuilding the tribe, while others--such as my own character--struck out on their own.Â
Quote:Firstly, you can't tell us that the KotRH are unique, because you literally just told us in the same sentence that their cultural is similar to other tribes. I would have you rewrite this sentence.ÂCould you not say that about everything in existence then? There is not a single human being alive that is 100% like nor unlike somebody else. The same goes for countries and cultures. One could say that America and Canada are similar, but each one is unique. It depends on how deeply you wish to look into each tribe. On a larger scale, they're all just tribes from the same general area. No uniqueness there. On a smaller scale, you begin to notice the differences between tribes and see that each one is unique. However, I understand that it's still good critique in terms of writing. I'm sure my own professor would've gotten on my case about that had he read it. Another nice example, but I try to cut down on wordiness when I see it.
Quote:The clan itself can't be powerful, because you just told us in the last paragraph that they were broken by the Garleans.Valid point. I need to make it more clear that everything after the "History" section is pre-rekt-by-Garleans.Â
Quote:Some clarification could be useful here. So they basically rotate? Do they travel in cycles, or is this a "just in case" kind of thing if they happen to stumble back into the same area by chance?It's a little bit of both. They generally just move randomly to any prosperous areas that their scouts find, but they always know that--should they need to--there are areas they can return to that they've prepared with plants.Â
Quote:So if they just do as they please in regards to how they dress, what was the purpose of telling us that they are taught and expected to dress in a utilitarian manner?Again, I can see how my wording may be confusing there. They are taught the benefits of not wearing too much clothing/armor, and don't have much interest in dressing up for the sake of looking nice, but they are still free to do as they please. We teach people not to have sex without condoms, but that doesn't mean that they're going to do it. The purpose of saying that was to give a standard for how they dress. The majority do not dress for fashion, but there are bound to be some that want to. Just look at Monster Hunter for example. There's people that dress for stats, and then there's people that dress for fashion.
Quote:Wait, what are you referring to here? Eorzean members of the KotRH? Eorzean Xaela? The Raen?"The people wear less clothing, and the hunters wear less armor, than their Eorzean counterparts on average." I can see how you are confused, but I believe that--with context--it is clear that it's referring to Eorzean people/hunters as a whole compared to KotRH people/hunters.
Quote:I'm confused by how this is written. So the colour of an individual clan member's skin doesn't matter...but their ancestor does? I thought this tribe didn't place any importance on being tied down by history?What I'm trying to say is that it might mean they're related to the descendants of the tribe, which is cool and all, but they don't really care. They don't even know for sure if there's any truth to that. It's just a "Oh, you're red. So you one of 'dem descendants' kids eh? That's coo'. So, about that booty." If I see somebody that's black, it would be safe for me to assume they have African heritage somewhere down the line. That doesn't mean that their heritage is going to matter to me, nor am I going to treat them better (or worse) than somebody with a different skin color.Â
Quote:This section should be moved into "Hunting".Fair enough.
Quote:Incredibly minor nitpick, but this sentence is meaningless since "traditional" doesn't have any significance in this summary. Based off of who's traditions? Eorzea's?You are definitely like an obnoxious English teacher, but that's a good thing! Well, it's a good thing as long as you're not like that in a RP. Then you'd just be a killjoy unless they want to be critiqued every post.Â
Quote:show, don't tell.ÂÂ Please, you're going to give me PSTD flashbacks from my old professor if you say that! All you're missing now is promoting active voice over passive voice and somethingsomething MLA citations!
Anyways, I appreciate all the feedback and will definitely be making some changes while waiting in queues. I probably won't go more into detail/ask myself more questions, though. This was really just a worldbuilding exercise for myself and just serves as a reference point for my character's profile, which I really have to start working on.