"I hope you can remain a shield bearer. One without regrets."
"Life oft has them, fellow shield bearer. We can only hope to carry the right ones in the end."
Regrets.
There were times when Roen had forgotten the weight of it. It was still there, like the cold that always pervaded Ishgard, but on some suns it was easier to ignore than others. Busying herself with fighting, patrolling, or just struggling to stay warm, daily tribulations would divert her attention so that even for just a few bells she carried on as if the last year had not happened. But in those rare moments where a smile or a laugh could have risen, Roen only felt a sense of emptiness inside, and it was then that she was reminded why she had come here. And in her periods of solitude, especially when the night fell, the memories returned.
The paladin was thankful for her nightly patrols, for in the morning when she retired to her room, she immediately surrendered to sleep from exhaustion. Her mind seemed too tired to even dream. But in the few bells after she woke, before she was sent out on her next assignment, she had to seek out some other sort of a distraction within the city. And her steps led her once again to the Saint Reymanaud Cathedral.
Despite the fact that the last time she sat within the church, the words that were imparted to her threatened to break her composure that eventually she fled her company, Roen found herself under the vaulted ceilings again, staring at the austere statue of Halone.
And when the familiar voice greeted her from across the pews and the paladin recognized the Duskwight knight again, she was surprised that her apprehensions did not return. After all, was it not his words that made her return to this place for rumination?
"More questions, I take it?" the Elezen asked quietly.
"As ever.†She returned a polite nod to him. “I hear nothing but organ pipes here, and yet I continue to return to stare at a silent statue. I suppose the devout may glean more wisdom from this place.â€
The knight lowered his head with a quiet laugh before he rose and walked around the back to take a seat near her. "Mayhaps. Or mayhaps 'tis merely the calming presence which draws those near to such a place as this."
Roen lowered her gaze, her tone one of apology. "I wish not to impinge upon your time of reflection, yet again."
"If you were doing as such, would I have joined you here?" He waved a hand, nonchalant. "Be at ease, friend."
Roen was not so quick to want to refuse his company this time. "Your words when we last spoke... they stayed with me.†Her confession was nearly drowned out by the blare of the organ. “I suppose, who better to ask than the person who imparted such wisdom?"
He cast a sidelong glance her way. "It is my hope such was not of discomfort."
The paladin met his gaze, her expression pensive. "Regret. It weighs upon me. You said... we hope to carry the right ones in the end. How does one know?"
The Duskwight exhaled, seemingly considering her question for a moment. "Only in hindsight. In the moment we are distracted… and directly after, lost in our feelings and thoughts in what may have been or could have been. I am oft given to consider things logically. Weighing for and against for every decision and the outcomes thereafter." He sighed quietly. "Make no mistake, regrets, by definition are not pleasant."
He glanced back to the paladin after a pause. "But some? Some can be lived with."
"Hindsight." Roen exhaled, her frame sinking into her seat slightly. “We have no choice in that, aye? What is the alternative?"
"The alternative?†The Elezen arched a brow. “To become lost adrift in the past, forever doubting, forever questioning. Never moving beyond the moment and moments of action or inaction.†He slightly shifted in his seat, his expression intent. “You must decide. Will you merely carry the matter or learn from it? The past, as they say, can repeat itself for the unfortunate."
The paladin stared at her fists on her lap, avoiding his scrutiny. "And yet, if you cannot reconcile that you did the right thing, if you forever regret and question..."
"Do you believe you did the right thing?"
A long pause followed. This was the same question she had asked herself many times over since Aleport. "I did. I believed, for many suns, nay sennights that followed, that it was the only choice I could have made." A deep frown darkened her expression. "But… I have only recently discovered something that I did not know at the time."
The Elezen turned back to the statue, crossing his arms. "Mm. This was something you had no way of knowing, I take it?"
Roen shook her head. "I thought I could live with what I did." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "That the sacrifice that was made... the price was something I was willing to pay. But the cost... turned out to be so much greater."
"You cannot change the past, however."
Her head dipped in acknowledgement, and stayed there, held low. "Would that I could."
"A wish shared by countless, of that I can say with certainty. No. All that we who live can do is move forward. T'would be a disgrace to those who cannot, to do any less." He turned his head back towards her with a warm smile. "Perhaps it is naive to think as such, but I am of the mind that as long as one draws breath, there can be hope. Scars serve to remind of the wound itself, as it takes time for them to heal.â€
"You seem hopeful, shield bearer.†Her own voice sounded hollow in its sentiment. He was naive. She wanted to tell him so, this stranger who still bore hope for the world despite the pains and the darkness that pervaded it. And yet, she wanted that unwavering faith for herself again. She narrowed her eyes on the Elezen. "I would guess you are my senior by many years yet. Do you have scars of your own?"
The knight nodded slowly. "Of course. Scars come to us all, though as we have agreed, those who carry shields oft are prone to being wounded while protecting others."
“I thought, bearing a shield would be the most honorable and unquestionably the right thing to do.†Roen sighed. “The thought of being able to protect others... it called to me. And yet I found that in trying to protect everyone, to save everyone, I failed so many." The paladin hung her head once more, her tone one of remorse. "My hubris blinded me to the possibility that I would fail. And the consequences it would bring."
The knight’s voice remained calm, soothing. "And yet, in the desire to save many, you have done so. Not all as none… none among us could do such. While we have failed few, I am certain many more have been saved."
Roen felt a constricting grip around her heart. "But..." She peered back at him, struggling to keep her composure. But in this, she could not. "What if that one person you failed... was the one you wanted to save most of all?"
The serenity in the knight’s countenance faded then, as he met her gaze only for an instant before he looked away. He bowed his head and his dark hair covered his face, hiding his expression from hers. She saw his lips part, but no sound came, not for several moments more. When he finally spoke, his voice had lowered, perhaps a sign of the wound she had inadvertently found.
"Then… we resolve to be better,†he said quietly without looking up. “To never let such things happen again beneath our watch.â€
Roen watched him in silence. It may have been his own sadness, or the fact that this stranger who had only been a source of consoling smiles and steadfast hope had wounds of his own... that she found her own melancholy lessening somewhat. He was not so naive after all. "Is this the scar you bear?"
When the Elezen looked back to her, it was with a sad twinge to his smile. "More than one, I am afraid. But yes. It is."
"How long?" she whispered. "How long before the wounds closed..?"
The Duskwight exhaled slowly. "That I cannot say. The wound has healed and yet at times I feel the pangs of the injury. Oft due to memories, a sight shared, promises made. It is sad to know such ebbs and flows with time only serving to lessen the bite."
Roen frowned. The memories of sights and promises… they were what plagued her thoughts. These were not words of comfort for her. "And you saved many at the cost of one?"
"One saved me, I am afraid. And the other… saved yet sacrificed in one fell swoop."
The paladin gave him a sidelong glance. "Would you make that choice again?"
The knight curled a wistful smile, looking back to Halone. "I have asked myself such time and time again. If I were to have died then, all whom I have saved or helped in the time after… what would become of them? Would another aid them? Would they perish without me? Such is folly to think, in truth. And yet… what is the worth of one? Of myself?"
He paused, as if to replay the memories in his mind’s eye. “She was sacrificed but yet may live. Otherwise, death was assured.â€
Roen watched him carefully, her brows knitting as she tried to understand the pieces of his own history he was offering. She did not want to pry further, but recognized the distant melancholy that colored his mood. "So perhaps all is not lost. There may still be hope for you shield bearer, that this scar will heal completely."
"Time, as they say, shall tell the tale." He studied the statue in contemplation for a moment longer before looking back to the paladin. "Yet and still, I would not cut mine arm away to remove a scar. I must simply carry it." His expression had lost its amiable air, his countenance that of intent determination.
Roen blinked, considering his words. "One day, perhaps I too will say the same about mine own. " She nodded, her own composure regained. "You at least give me some measure of hope of that possibility."
The Elezen smiled, bowing his head politely. "I am grateful for that. Forgive my saying such, but you yet appear to be in short supply. By appearance alone."
The paladin curled her lips in a reassuring expression, but no warmth rose from within. "I am afraid my wounds are still fresh." She turned back to Halone. "I pray that time will… lessen the bite someday. But the strength of your resolve... I have yet to discover it for myself."
The knight too turned his gaze back to Halone. "Perhaps that too will come in time. I pray Halone will guide you to such."
Roen took those words to heart, before she stood and bowed. "Gratitude, yet once again. It seems you are the one that answers my questions when I seek them from a silent deity."
The knight stood as well, bowing in return. "Were I of the clergy, mayhaps I would say she merely speaks through me." He canted his head, his eyes studying her for a moment.
The paladin’s expression softened. "I think your own scars and experiences do better."
The Elezen returned a smile and a nod. "As of now… I will merely state I am glad to provide aid."
"I shall leave you to your prayers, kind ser."
"May Halone guide you, shield bearer. Be well."
The hum of pipe organs had faded, at least for a moment, allowing the echo of Roen's bootsteps to crawl across the high ceiling as she exited the cathedral. She heard only her thoughts, however, but for the first time in a long time they weren't deafening.
"Life oft has them, fellow shield bearer. We can only hope to carry the right ones in the end."
Regrets.
There were times when Roen had forgotten the weight of it. It was still there, like the cold that always pervaded Ishgard, but on some suns it was easier to ignore than others. Busying herself with fighting, patrolling, or just struggling to stay warm, daily tribulations would divert her attention so that even for just a few bells she carried on as if the last year had not happened. But in those rare moments where a smile or a laugh could have risen, Roen only felt a sense of emptiness inside, and it was then that she was reminded why she had come here. And in her periods of solitude, especially when the night fell, the memories returned.
The paladin was thankful for her nightly patrols, for in the morning when she retired to her room, she immediately surrendered to sleep from exhaustion. Her mind seemed too tired to even dream. But in the few bells after she woke, before she was sent out on her next assignment, she had to seek out some other sort of a distraction within the city. And her steps led her once again to the Saint Reymanaud Cathedral.
Despite the fact that the last time she sat within the church, the words that were imparted to her threatened to break her composure that eventually she fled her company, Roen found herself under the vaulted ceilings again, staring at the austere statue of Halone.
And when the familiar voice greeted her from across the pews and the paladin recognized the Duskwight knight again, she was surprised that her apprehensions did not return. After all, was it not his words that made her return to this place for rumination?
"More questions, I take it?" the Elezen asked quietly.
"As ever.†She returned a polite nod to him. “I hear nothing but organ pipes here, and yet I continue to return to stare at a silent statue. I suppose the devout may glean more wisdom from this place.â€
The knight lowered his head with a quiet laugh before he rose and walked around the back to take a seat near her. "Mayhaps. Or mayhaps 'tis merely the calming presence which draws those near to such a place as this."
Roen lowered her gaze, her tone one of apology. "I wish not to impinge upon your time of reflection, yet again."
"If you were doing as such, would I have joined you here?" He waved a hand, nonchalant. "Be at ease, friend."
Roen was not so quick to want to refuse his company this time. "Your words when we last spoke... they stayed with me.†Her confession was nearly drowned out by the blare of the organ. “I suppose, who better to ask than the person who imparted such wisdom?"
He cast a sidelong glance her way. "It is my hope such was not of discomfort."
The paladin met his gaze, her expression pensive. "Regret. It weighs upon me. You said... we hope to carry the right ones in the end. How does one know?"
The Duskwight exhaled, seemingly considering her question for a moment. "Only in hindsight. In the moment we are distracted… and directly after, lost in our feelings and thoughts in what may have been or could have been. I am oft given to consider things logically. Weighing for and against for every decision and the outcomes thereafter." He sighed quietly. "Make no mistake, regrets, by definition are not pleasant."
He glanced back to the paladin after a pause. "But some? Some can be lived with."
"Hindsight." Roen exhaled, her frame sinking into her seat slightly. “We have no choice in that, aye? What is the alternative?"
"The alternative?†The Elezen arched a brow. “To become lost adrift in the past, forever doubting, forever questioning. Never moving beyond the moment and moments of action or inaction.†He slightly shifted in his seat, his expression intent. “You must decide. Will you merely carry the matter or learn from it? The past, as they say, can repeat itself for the unfortunate."
The paladin stared at her fists on her lap, avoiding his scrutiny. "And yet, if you cannot reconcile that you did the right thing, if you forever regret and question..."
"Do you believe you did the right thing?"
A long pause followed. This was the same question she had asked herself many times over since Aleport. "I did. I believed, for many suns, nay sennights that followed, that it was the only choice I could have made." A deep frown darkened her expression. "But… I have only recently discovered something that I did not know at the time."
The Elezen turned back to the statue, crossing his arms. "Mm. This was something you had no way of knowing, I take it?"
Roen shook her head. "I thought I could live with what I did." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "That the sacrifice that was made... the price was something I was willing to pay. But the cost... turned out to be so much greater."
"You cannot change the past, however."
Her head dipped in acknowledgement, and stayed there, held low. "Would that I could."
"A wish shared by countless, of that I can say with certainty. No. All that we who live can do is move forward. T'would be a disgrace to those who cannot, to do any less." He turned his head back towards her with a warm smile. "Perhaps it is naive to think as such, but I am of the mind that as long as one draws breath, there can be hope. Scars serve to remind of the wound itself, as it takes time for them to heal.â€
"You seem hopeful, shield bearer.†Her own voice sounded hollow in its sentiment. He was naive. She wanted to tell him so, this stranger who still bore hope for the world despite the pains and the darkness that pervaded it. And yet, she wanted that unwavering faith for herself again. She narrowed her eyes on the Elezen. "I would guess you are my senior by many years yet. Do you have scars of your own?"
The knight nodded slowly. "Of course. Scars come to us all, though as we have agreed, those who carry shields oft are prone to being wounded while protecting others."
“I thought, bearing a shield would be the most honorable and unquestionably the right thing to do.†Roen sighed. “The thought of being able to protect others... it called to me. And yet I found that in trying to protect everyone, to save everyone, I failed so many." The paladin hung her head once more, her tone one of remorse. "My hubris blinded me to the possibility that I would fail. And the consequences it would bring."
The knight’s voice remained calm, soothing. "And yet, in the desire to save many, you have done so. Not all as none… none among us could do such. While we have failed few, I am certain many more have been saved."
Roen felt a constricting grip around her heart. "But..." She peered back at him, struggling to keep her composure. But in this, she could not. "What if that one person you failed... was the one you wanted to save most of all?"
The serenity in the knight’s countenance faded then, as he met her gaze only for an instant before he looked away. He bowed his head and his dark hair covered his face, hiding his expression from hers. She saw his lips part, but no sound came, not for several moments more. When he finally spoke, his voice had lowered, perhaps a sign of the wound she had inadvertently found.
"Then… we resolve to be better,†he said quietly without looking up. “To never let such things happen again beneath our watch.â€
Roen watched him in silence. It may have been his own sadness, or the fact that this stranger who had only been a source of consoling smiles and steadfast hope had wounds of his own... that she found her own melancholy lessening somewhat. He was not so naive after all. "Is this the scar you bear?"
When the Elezen looked back to her, it was with a sad twinge to his smile. "More than one, I am afraid. But yes. It is."
"How long?" she whispered. "How long before the wounds closed..?"
The Duskwight exhaled slowly. "That I cannot say. The wound has healed and yet at times I feel the pangs of the injury. Oft due to memories, a sight shared, promises made. It is sad to know such ebbs and flows with time only serving to lessen the bite."
Roen frowned. The memories of sights and promises… they were what plagued her thoughts. These were not words of comfort for her. "And you saved many at the cost of one?"
"One saved me, I am afraid. And the other… saved yet sacrificed in one fell swoop."
The paladin gave him a sidelong glance. "Would you make that choice again?"
The knight curled a wistful smile, looking back to Halone. "I have asked myself such time and time again. If I were to have died then, all whom I have saved or helped in the time after… what would become of them? Would another aid them? Would they perish without me? Such is folly to think, in truth. And yet… what is the worth of one? Of myself?"
He paused, as if to replay the memories in his mind’s eye. “She was sacrificed but yet may live. Otherwise, death was assured.â€
Roen watched him carefully, her brows knitting as she tried to understand the pieces of his own history he was offering. She did not want to pry further, but recognized the distant melancholy that colored his mood. "So perhaps all is not lost. There may still be hope for you shield bearer, that this scar will heal completely."
"Time, as they say, shall tell the tale." He studied the statue in contemplation for a moment longer before looking back to the paladin. "Yet and still, I would not cut mine arm away to remove a scar. I must simply carry it." His expression had lost its amiable air, his countenance that of intent determination.
Roen blinked, considering his words. "One day, perhaps I too will say the same about mine own. " She nodded, her own composure regained. "You at least give me some measure of hope of that possibility."
The Elezen smiled, bowing his head politely. "I am grateful for that. Forgive my saying such, but you yet appear to be in short supply. By appearance alone."
The paladin curled her lips in a reassuring expression, but no warmth rose from within. "I am afraid my wounds are still fresh." She turned back to Halone. "I pray that time will… lessen the bite someday. But the strength of your resolve... I have yet to discover it for myself."
The knight too turned his gaze back to Halone. "Perhaps that too will come in time. I pray Halone will guide you to such."
Roen took those words to heart, before she stood and bowed. "Gratitude, yet once again. It seems you are the one that answers my questions when I seek them from a silent deity."
The knight stood as well, bowing in return. "Were I of the clergy, mayhaps I would say she merely speaks through me." He canted his head, his eyes studying her for a moment.
The paladin’s expression softened. "I think your own scars and experiences do better."
The Elezen returned a smile and a nod. "As of now… I will merely state I am glad to provide aid."
"I shall leave you to your prayers, kind ser."
"May Halone guide you, shield bearer. Be well."
The hum of pipe organs had faded, at least for a moment, allowing the echo of Roen's bootsteps to crawl across the high ceiling as she exited the cathedral. She heard only her thoughts, however, but for the first time in a long time they weren't deafening.