Emotional distress from RP

[Alistaiir]

Hello, 

 

I need your help/advice/anything you can offer.

 

I’m going to give the tl;dr version of my situation first and go into more detail afterwards.

 

Tl;dr: The gist of my situation is I am jealous of my RP partner because she’s roleplaying with someone else and I am now being mostly ignored. It makes me feel terrible and I don’t know how to stop feeling like this.

 

My question is: how can i deal with this?

 

Long version: Backtrack 6 months ago, i’m a normal player who barely dabbled in RP at a few D&D sessions. I’m a gamer through and through and that’s been my only past time for all my years.

 

So I’m playing with 2 of my friends (these two are actually engaged to eachother IRL and are also my friends in IRL) and they decide at some point to change their character’s race. I thought i could join them in the fun since i’ve always played a male character in my games. So i went ahead and genderbent my character. Things were alright and we had fun together. Then one day one of these friends is attracted to my female character and starts flirting IC with her. It was awkward at first but i rolled with it and eventually i came to enjoy it. That was my first time RPing online. I've never done it before. We spent the past 6 months roleplaying our characters (4 to be exact) into a family together and we decided to marry 2 of them. We have everything ready for the wedding too we just need to set the date. We’ve always been talking during this period about our characters and what funny and sweet scenes we could put them through even outside of the game via Discord. She always called my toon "M'lady" and was very sweet the entire time we RPed.

 

Sometime during these 6 months she discovered a roleplay server she liked and created a character there. Let’s call the server we’ve been on until now A and the roleplay server B. I joined her. Everything was fine until a bit over two weeks ago. When she stopped logging onto the A server and stopped replying even to our RP concerning the B server toons. I thought i should be polite and not pester her for an answer so i waited a week. Still nothing so i remind her. She brushes it off by telling me she’s busy. I knew she was RPing with the peeps on the B server which is fine because i’m not looking to be the only person she roleplays with. However after 6 months of investment into both our characters on A server i was expecting it would continue as it had until then. I keep getting hints that she’s distracted or that she’s not interested by her either giving me “bleh” replies, one liners, replying late or not replying at all. No more calling eachother wife or husband or lover or "M'lady" as we used to. No more of her toon dutifully offering me to get on the 2 seated chocobo mount. No more of her telling me that her heart can’t handle the cuteness of our characters as she used to. She’s got a sweetheart on the B server now and even though we had decided our characters would be together even there (in an open relationship) she pushed my character away to be with that person only. She says it’s because i’m not online on B server as much that this happened. Alright, fine. I can understand that. Even though i hated it, I RPed a very dramatic breakup scene with her thinking we still had our RP on A server. I came to her with a scene to RP for those characters. She told me she didn’t want to RP that scene. Alright. Then i asked her about the wedding we were supposed to have and if she still wants it. She said yes, but when i asked about when to set the date she told me she can’t talk now because she was RPing with someone else. Note that this has never stopped her before. I ask her once again the next day and she just says she doesn’t know and shows little to no signs of wanting us to decide together.

 

Today, just a bit earlier from me writting this we went to the Chapel to set up the date for the marriage. Whenever we planned for the wedding she was always there at the Aetheryte waiting for me with the 2-seated mount. And I do mean always. This time she just dashed off by herself without even looking back.

 

At one point i asked her if she was still interested in me as an RP partner. She said yes, but all the signs i’m reading from her state the exact opposite... ghosting, disinterest, bleh replies. I’ve confronted her about this before and she always says i’m fine but i think she only says this out of pity or something and I'm scared of confronting her again for fear that she'll get annoyed with me. I'm actually reaching a point where I'm starting to believe that everything I try to do whether IC or OOC is annoying to her.

 

And so I come to my conclusion. I don’t know what to do... These past 2 weeks and a half i’ve been severely depressed because of it. I go to bed sad, i wake up sad and i can barely hold my tears in while at work. It's affected me so much that my parents, my sister, my coworkers and people on the street ask me why I'm sad although I try not to show it. I don’t know how to confront her about it without seeming like i’m pestering her because i still cherish her as a friend IRL and i don’t want to ruin that. At this point I just wish she would call it off if she’s just not interested anymore rather then stringing me along getting my hopes up for nothing. It will hurt a lot but at least it’ll give me the opportunity to get over it and heal rather than keep suffering. I’ve been reading many articles about this subject lately so I can learn about how to deal with this and try to not be the clingy guy or the annoying guy but at this point i just don’t know what to do.

 

She can roleplay with whomever she wants as much as she wants. I won’t stop her. I just want to stop feeling like this. I just want it to stop hurting and i want to stop being a crying mess almost every day. What can I do to fix this? How should I go about solving our RP? Can it even be saved? How do I get her to be honest to me about it? Sorry for the long post, but i’m just lost...

 

Thank you for your time.

[Unnamed Mercenary]

1 minute ago, Alistaiir said:

The gist of my situation is I am jealous of my RP partner because she’s roleplaying with someone else and I am now being mostly ignored. It makes me feel terrible and I don’t know how to stop feeling like this.

 

My question is: how can i deal with this?

 

RP with other people. Your [possibly former?] partner's time does not belong to you, nor does yours belong to them. While it sucks if someone doesn't necessarily communicate if they're no longer interested in RP or possibly RP with your character, a big dramatic breakup may not be the best way to go. Sometimes things just sorta...fizzle out. And then people start feeling obligated to spend their fun time doing something unfun, like trying to write words to appease another person. (I've been there. I've seen it done to me. And it usually ends up being a situation where nobody is motivated to write/continue.)

 

Your friend may not be someone who does well with a spotlight on her/her actions. I'd suggest moving on now and if she wants  to RP some time later, to consider it then. People can be great friends IRL and not-so-great RP partners. (And the opposite. And both. And neither.) Perhaps some space is what you both need? 

[Alistaiir]

I would if she’d just tell me she doesn’t want to RP with me anymore. It’s the fact that she keeps saying she wants to RP with me but does the exact opposite that has me in this state. 

 

I actually told her i’m willing to wait until she wants to come back and RP with me but she told me not to do that. Because if i do it will make her lose interest in the RP we’va had up until now.

[Unnamed Mercenary]

1 minute ago, Alistaiir said:

I would if she’d just tell me she doesn’t want to RP with me anymore. It’s the fact that she keeps saying she wants to RP with me but does the exact opposite that has me in this state. 

 

I actually told her i’m willing to wait until she wants to come back and RP with me but she told me not to do that. Because if i do it will make her lose interest in the RP we’va had up until now.

 

Dude. Full stop. Don't wait for that.

 

I know it sucks, but plenty of us have been in this position and waiting for a maybe isn't going to make things improve. Been there, done that. I have seen those exact words. If she was your only source of RP, try an alt. Reach out to other unrelated people. Don't hinge your characters' stories on any one person because they come and go, even if you see them in game all the time. Sometimes the creative fire run outta fuel. Tossing in kindling won't keep it going.

 

There might be an awkward period while things rebuild. But that's what I'd recommend you to do. 

[Maril]

If your roleplay is affecting your emotional state negatively, for a longer time or in an intense way, then you need to take a step back and clear away from the influence that is bringing it on. As much as it sucks and can hurt more, you are better off for it and will be able to move on hopefully without burning out on your RP. At the end of the day, we don't roleplay to wind up feeling excessively sad and unhappy. 

[Claihn]

As the other two have said, you need to take several steps back from this and take care of yourself. Some great piece of advice I was given awhile back when I was going through a hard time was that you have to stop waiting and hoping for what might never come and move forward with how things currently are. 

It sucks. It always does, but the healthiest thing for you to do is to seek RP with other people. If your friend is saying they want to RP with you, but do not make the time to do so then you can't be expected to simply wait around. There's nothing wrong with RPing with other people and it will help over time. If you're fearful that time apart will make your friend stop contacting you altogether, then that perhaps speaks for imbalance in the relationship. You don't want to be the person who is constantly reaching out and bending to make things work- you will just continue to feel worse and tire yourself out. 

It's scary and sad when things don't work out, but you will hurt less in the long run if you think about what will be best for you. 

[Faye]

I've been there more than once, and I know that it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through that. For me, I can get bored with one-on-one RP universes or ones only between a few friends. It loses the open world feel I love about MMO RP and just feels like I'm RPing into a vacuum. It's possible she feels the same and enjoys the draw of this new RP server much more. Moving your characters onto this server and being more active is something to consider if you do want to spend more time with her. But despite her refusal to say it, it does sound like she's lost interest in your RP for whatever reasons she may have. Ultimately, it's her choice how to spend her time, and there's nothing you can do about it but try to respect it and not let it go to you personally.
 

I also don't think RPing a dramatic breakup is the way to go. That's a heavy scene to do when there's already OOC hurt feelings involved and it's likely to cause some bleed or otherwise make things harder on you. My advice is to move on and have your characters move on, as well. As Franz said, don't wait for her to tell you she's done. She's had her chances and she hasn't said it, but she seems to have very clearly lost interest, or at least, isn't putting in enough time and effort to make you happy and feel you're getting quality RP. You gave her the opportunity to talk about her feelings and she didn't take it, so don't wait on that. Find some new people to RP with, or take a break from RP. 

When RP partners ghost me, I assume their characters have been absent just as they are. I can't delay my RP and my character's life for them, especially without them properly communicating with me that they're busy or need a break and how long that will take. When my character feels it's been long enough and is able to process to the end of her relationship, she considers herself single. Or when a new love interest comes along and she feels she's ready for something new, she moves on and starts a new relationship. Don't wait around for this person. If she is busy, or if the "new and shiny" appeal of this server and the RP partners she's made on it wears off and she decides she wants to RP with you again, she can contact you, and then you two can work something out (or you can tell her "too late, you had your chance"). But don't put your RP on hold and wait around for that, especially since that day may unfortunately never come. You shouldn't let yourself be kept on the back burner, especially if you don't even know if you're even wanted there.

[Alistaiir]

So the consensus is to drop it. 

Well, drop it I have. I talked to her again and i told her what was on my mind. I told her we should stop RP-ing and not go through with the wedding, hoping to heaven and back that she would say no. She was hesitant at first, but as I bluffed and pushed slowly she began showing me that my fears were very well founded in reality. She told me that she has been interested in transferring her main character from A server to B... And what else could I do? I told her to go for it... We've already demolished most of the stuff we have in-game... our house, our apartments, our FC rooms. And we're getting ready to move. I'm gonna drop out of my raiding static and transfer with her at some point. 

I've already genderbent my character back to how he used to be. Even though he was also introduced in our RP, i did this as a way to force myself to move on. I might take up Faye's advice and transfer too. See if we can create something else. If I don't like it I'll just transfer back.

I want to make it clear that I never joined this game to RP. I actually wanted to just play the game and brought my friends over with me. The moment she decided to pull me into RP that was my first experience with a romantic RP online.

 

Anyway... yeah. It's over I guess.

[Unnamed Mercenary]

36 minutes ago, Alistaiir said:

I want to make it clear that I never joined this game to RP. I actually wanted to just play the game and brought my friends over with me.

 

Also same. I was playing 1.0 at work and got a few people into FFXIV when the game relaunched. Then a couple of the people I'd introduced in went off to RP and later got me into RP.

 

Again though, even if it's not RP-related, the game should be fun for you. If it's not, then a break is probably the better action that trying to push something if it's not sticking well. 

[Warren Castille]

This whole thing is fucked. The issue with your relationship wasn't her wanting to RP with other people, that's a symptom. Failure to communicate is the big thing here; You were upset and didn't want to "burden" her with that, and when you did? Well, now you know.

 

It's a lesson learned. Hold your head up and gtfo, and now you can recognize when partners definitely scoping out the rest of the playing field. I'm sorry it happened to you, but honestly? It's a blessing to get out this soon.

[Lori-Nasharia]

A lot of the time we are too afraid to say something in case we hurt that persons feelings. But I agree with Faye and everyone else communication is the key to everything when comes to roleplaying. You have to be able to talk OOC even more than IC, and the aching feeling that sometime might be wrong is always in the back of our minds. Don't be disheartened by what happened take it as a lesson and try to not let it effect you further. I am sure you are a lovely person and will have plenty of people willing to RP with you! Good luck!

[Alistaiir]

7 hours ago, Warren Castille said:

This whole thing is fucked. The issue with your relationship wasn't her wanting to RP with other people, that's a symptom. Failure to communicate is the big thing here; You were upset and didn't want to "burden" her with that, and when you did? Well, now you know.

 

I agree that communication is key and have taken that advice to heart. I've actually been quite communicative about what I've been feeling only to have her falsely reassure me everything was fine. She took me in with the idea that "she will teach me the wonders of RP". Either way, I've ended this discussion with her and will not bring it up with her again unless she starts talking to me about it. And she's apparently talking to me about it...

 

I just have a few more questions:

1. What's the point of a long term RP if you're just going to throw everything out the window at the end.

Let me clarify this question a bit. I know that all RP must come to an end at some point. It can happen for many reasons (wanting to end the story, boredom, losing interest, wanting to try something new, etc.). When we talked she told me our IC story would end with a simple "they lived happily ever after" with which i was fine. The next day she's telling me that her character would actually be transported to another world IC. That basically leaves my character's story as alone, pregnant and unmarried. It sucks, but I said nothing against it as it's her character.

 

2. Since i'm relatively new to RP, how can I make sure I can defend myself in the future from stuff like the above happening to me again? As in protecting my characters from experiences I don't want them to have or bad endings. Because it seems that sometimes even with polite communication some trouble can still pop up.

 

3. I've been honest with her and told her I'm not taking this very well so why is she sending me dramatic short stories and screencaps about her character dying or how every character involved in our RP will have some kind of dramatic moment to finding out her character died/vanished? Why even do that when I've already told you I'm not doing well? She even admitted to "knowing she's not helping" and I asked her why is she doing it if she knows that. All I got in return is a "¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

 

Also I know I've been going on and on about this subject and I'm sorry for it. I appreciate each and every one of you for lending me your ears, your thoughts and advice.

[Warren Castille]

Dude...

 

Dump her. She wanted you to genderbend your characters to get them pregnant(?) but also wants to jump worlds to keep roleplaying with other people and cutting you out.

 

Again, this is a learning moment. She a ho, fo' sho'. It'll hurt, but you need to get over her ASAP and realize that people who are worth caring about won't rake you over the coals and do this type of shit.

[Alistaiir]

4 minutes ago, Warren Castille said:

She wanted you to genderbend your characters to get them pregnant(?) but also wants to jump worlds to keep roleplaying with other people and cutting you out.

 

She never suggested I genderbend my characters. I did that as a way of trying something new and to have fun with them since they were abusing fantas over and over again. After awhile of playing as a fem char, she told me she's attracted to my character and she started hitting on her IC. It just happened, it wasn't planned.

 

[Faye]

1. For some people, the grass is always greener. They may like RPing with you for a while, but for some people something more enticing comes along and they have no issues dropping their current RP and partners. It sucks, but that's life. While some people go about it more insensitively than others, there's nothing wrong with people pursuing whatever they think will make them the most happy and satisfied. 
 

2. There's nothing you can do to stop it, really. Sometimes people just screw you over in RP like they can in any facet of life. Make sure you have a feel for someone's personality OOC before you have your character develop any strong feelings for theirs. Don't invest too much in another person and their characters and don't get too attached. Be slow and careful about progressing IC relationships, especially things like marriage and pregnancy. Don't base your storyline or character around another person's character(s). Try not to get too emotionally invested in your RP or your friendship with your RP partner. Learn to look for red flags: people who are flaky or finicky, people who hyper fixate on the romantic and sexual aspects of RP, people who want your story and your character's relationships to progress very quickly, people who are prone to drama, people who seem to have an OOC fixation on you or your character, people who will begin to spend less time with you when something else catches their interests, etc. In my experience, those are some of the signs of RP partnerships that won't last or will have some sort of drama pop up.

3. Tell her to stop. No less, no more. It really sounds like she's just trying to get a reaction out of you, which is shitty. Tell her to quit, don't tolerate that and don't humor her with anything else.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Faye

[LiadansWhisper]

1 hour ago, Alistaiir said:

 

I agree that communication is key and have taken that advice to heart. I've actually been quite communicative about what I've been feeling only to have her falsely reassure me everything was fine. She took me in with the idea that "she will teach me the wonders of RP". Either way, I've ended this discussion with her and will not bring it up with her again unless she starts talking to me about it. And she's apparently talking to me about it...

 

I just have a few more questions:

1. What's the point of a long term RP if you're just going to throw everything out the window at the end.

Let me clarify this question a bit. I know that all RP must come to an end at some point. It can happen for many reasons (wanting to end the story, boredom, losing interest, wanting to try something new, etc.). When we talked she told me our IC story would end with a simple "they lived happily ever after" with which i was fine. The next day she's telling me that her character would actually be transported to another world IC. That basically leaves my character's story as alone, pregnant and unmarried. It sucks, but I said nothing against it as it's her character.

 

2. Since i'm relatively new to RP, how can I make sure I can defend myself in the future from stuff like the above happening to me again? As in protecting my characters from experiences I don't want them to have or bad endings. Because it seems that sometimes even with polite communication some trouble can still pop up.

 

3. I've been honest with her and told her I'm not taking this very well so why is she sending me dramatic short stories and screencaps about her character dying or how every character involved in our RP will have some kind of dramatic moment to finding out her character died/vanished? Why even do that when I've already told you I'm not doing well? She even admitted to "knowing she's not helping" and I asked her why is she doing it if she knows that. All I got in return is a "¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

 

Also I know I've been going on and on about this subject and I'm sorry for it. I appreciate each and every one of you for lending me your ears, your thoughts and advice.

 

Okay, so I'm just popping in to say...

 

Block her.  Tell her to stop, and block her.

 

I don't really know what's going on here.  Honestly.  I really don't.  But that behavior is so emotionally manipulative and abusive that, frankly, you're better off without interacting with someone like that.  Go back to raiding.  Trust me, RPers are way too much drama.  Asshole hardcore raiders will stress you out far less.

[Alistaiir]

20 minutes ago, LiadansWhisper said:

Asshole hardcore raiders will stress you out far less.

 

I've been raiding savage content in FFXIV for more than a year and, yes, I can confirm this is, in fact, the case.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Alistaiir

[Nebbs]

Well in my long experience what I would say is..

 

People are who they are and you can't change that. You can only change what you want to do about it.

 

So you know when you feel your "friend" is being a jerk you can decide to chase after them and let their crazy define you, or cut them off completely or any where in between. I have reacted along that entire spectrum and for me I have come to the position with most people that I don't sweat about what they do, I even expect them to be the way they are (crazy and all), and if they wander off I don't chase after them and I leave the door open. 

 

So what I am saying is, look after yourself first and don't sacrifice yourself for others. Find out what works for you, not what works for them.

 

I must declare I am an introvert who is never happier than relaxing with a book on a lazy Sunday (I have read around 20 books this year). So, I'm fine if alone a lot of the time.

[Teadrinker]

3 hours ago, Alistaiir said:

 

She never suggested I genderbend my characters. I did that as a way of trying something new and to have fun with them since they were abusing fantas over and over again. After awhile of playing as a fem char, she told me she's attracted to my character and she started hitting on her IC. It just happened, it wasn't planned.

 

The more you describe this person the more I just come to the conclusion that this person wasn't RPing to write or develop an OC or tell a story, have events etc. This was just a person filling in missing crap in their life vicariously through your characters. And the second they found something they thought was better they scooted along.

You had a bad experience, yes, but I honestly wouldn't even call all that RP at this point. You just ran into an asshole. It happens. Let me ask you a question.

Do you even wanna RP anymore? Tbh you could walk away right now no skin off your back. It might be good to get some space and re-evaluate if this is a hobby you even want to pursue at this point.

Idk if I read it right but did you say you're transferring with her? Why are you even still talking to her at all? RP and all the drama aside, this person is not your friend. Boil this down to basic human behavior and decency and I'm sorry to report but they have consistently treated you like crap.

Ya gotta just realize it for what it is and shut that door, friend. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel afterwards.

[Alistaiir]

27 minutes ago, Teadrinker said:

The more you describe this person the more I just come to the conclusion that this person wasn't RPing to write or develop an OC or tell a story, have events etc. This was just a person filling in missing crap in their life vicariously through your characters. And the second they found something they thought was better they scooted along.

 

Perhaps. I was under the same impression.

 

27 minutes ago, Teadrinker said:

Do you even wanna RP anymore? Tbh you could walk away right now no skin off your back. It might be good to get some space and re-evaluate if this is a hobby you even want to pursue at this point.

 

While it ended in a bad experience, I was, in fact, having fun with it while it lasted. I got to develop characters for which I had already created backstories for in my mind, but I never actually had the chance to do anything with them since I am not playing on a RP server. I think this is called being a closet RPer?

To answer your question, I'd like to keep trying to RP. Not necessarily with her, but with other people. See what happens. I'm not gonna find them on the server I'm currently on since it's not an RP server. If i dislike it or feel like I'm just wasting my time, I'll transfer back to my usual server and keep playing the game as I have been these past... 5 years almost? I've talked to my FC leader and they said they'd welcome me back with open arms.

 

27 minutes ago, Teadrinker said:

Why are you even still talking to her at all? RP and all the drama aside, this person is not your friend. Boil this down to basic human behavior and decency and I'm sorry to report but they have consistently treated you like crap.

 

The reason i keep talking to her is because, before this, she has been a good friend that I have known for aprox. 3 years. Both her and her fiance, which I have known for far longer and consider him one of my best friends, are IRL friends. We used to live in the same city and geek out together a lot, but since they had some life issues, they moved to another city but we still keep in touch.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Alistaiir

[reuler]

5 hours ago, Alistaiir said:

3. I've been honest with her and told her I'm not taking this very well so why is she sending me dramatic short stories and screencaps about her character dying or how every character involved in our RP will have some kind of dramatic moment to finding out her character died/vanished? Why even do that when I've already told you I'm not doing well? She even admitted to "knowing she's not helping" and I asked her why is she doing it if she knows that. All I got in return is a "¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

 

She likes the attention she gets from you and now feels "threatened" that you will leave / stop giving her that attention so she's trying to find some way to keep you "connected." You need some serious distance from this girl, maybe not to the point of blocking (you may compromise your RL friendship with her fiance at that point) but maybe say "this really hurt me so I would prefer to not talk about anything regarding our characters and RP with you." The emotions are too raw right now and the events too fresh.

It really does sound like she's going through some issues RL and she's using XIV as an escape. While it's entirely possible for anyone to lose interest in a long-term RP without something bubbling beneath the surface, the rudeness with which she's treating you is likely a side effect of something more serious that she's unfairly using you as a punching bag for. Maybe even turn the tables on her? "Hey, I've known you for 3 years, and you've never hurt me as much as you did recently. This isn't like you. Is something wrong?"

 

She might tell you. She might avoid you altogether because there's nothing people hate so much as a mirror. She might not tell you because it involves your mutual friend (her fiance) and she's not ready to talk about it yet. Either way, you move your relationship with her away from RP, which is the only way to potentially salvage anything of what you guys once had (if you even want to at this point). Things might not ever go back to how they used to be but what's most important right now is your emotional health and she knows she's not helping with that. A friend worth keeping knows when they need to step back and does it.

[Unnamed Mercenary]

On a side note, if you're currently on Phoenix like your postbit says, they do have a few RPers on the server!

 

I'd check out this group:

 

There's also an EU-oriented discord to help players organize and find each other, although mostly Omega-oriented. It does have some phoenix players in it and they might know some more resources time-wise!
 

 

[Nevivi Nevi]

Just reading this, it's basically, "I'm holding this handful of hot coals and they really burn but I think I'm gonna keep holding them until they tell me they want to be put down."

 

Don't do that to yourself. Just drop 'em. Yeah, you've been IRL friends, but she's not acting like a friend now. She just isn't. I can tell you know what you need to do, but you don't want to do it. Rip it off like a bandaid if you have to. Tell her she been and is being hurtful and you aren't going to put up with it, and make yourself some space, cis block/blacklist if you have to. Maybe she'll knock it off and you can go back to being friends without the RP involved later, maybe she won't, but either way she sounds like the type that wants attention more than she wants to be a responsible RP partner. Sending you stuff knowing it's distressing you is just plain cruel.

 

Also, you're not going to be able to act like a friend to her in a healthy way while you're jealous either. This situation is bad for both of you. If she can't put the brakes on it, it's gonna have to be you.

 

It's also possible she just doesn't emotionally invest in roleplay much and can't understand what the problem is. Some people just don't. There's as many ways to relate to it as there are writers. Hopefully you can find someone who's more on the same page as you elsewhere, or at least someone who can respect the differences in feelings people have. (Which she should do, but clearly isn't.)

[Tregarde]

On 3/9/2018 at 11:27 AM, Alistaiir said:

Hello, 

 

I need your help/advice/anything you can offer.

 

~snip~

 

I've read this entire thread, I have to say that I am so sorry you had to go through this.  I'm not going to judge either of you - there are two sides to every story and here we have only one - but I can make some reasonable speculation and advice from experience.

 

Relationships in a game are very much like relationships in real life. For them to work there requires communication. At some point there was a communication breakdown. From what you've posted above, it seems like you tried to keep communication open. I can not say with certainty why she started playing elsewhere and not telling you what was going on. Very likely she knew there was a good chance you'd be upset. It is unfortunately common that people try to avoid communication when it actually is most needed, and in the end this leads to feelings be hurt even worse.

 

Unfortunately, a situation like this can cause a rift. You say she is still sending you pictures and telling you stories. It's very possible she still wants to be your friend and is trying to share, but it hasn't sunk in yet that what you need is some time to cool off, and she isn't sure what else do do. I'm guessing she doesn't want to cut you out of her life, and going completely silent can feel like being cut out.

 

Humans are emotional creatures, and emotions can be messy. Every person is unique and react to situations in their own way. This doesn't necessarily make any of us bad, but it can lead to conflict. I do hope you and she can patch things up and be friends again. It may take time, and patience. You may even need some time away from each other. And just maybe, someday, the two of you can look back on this and go 'wow, we really got carried away there.'

 

Till then... it sounds like you are wiling to give RP another chance. Being willing to so soon after a bad experience like that says a lot, I've known many who quit a game entirely after something like that. I hope you find people you enjoy RPing with.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Tregarde

[Alistaiir]

10 hours ago, Nevivi Nevi said:

1. Don't do that to yourself. Just drop 'em.

 

2. Also, you're not going to be able to act like a friend to her in a healthy way while you're jealous either. This situation is bad for both of you. If she can't put the brakes on it, it's gonna have to be you.

 

3. It's also possible she just doesn't emotionally invest in roleplay much and can't understand what the problem is.

 

 

1. We stopped any form of RP between us. We’re still talking, but nowhere near as much as we did while we RPed. I avoid commenting on any of her current RP stories that she sends my way.

 

2. I admit to being jealous. It’s true. But i’m dealing with it. I guess it gets easier and easier with each passing day.  At least i’m not and emotional wreck anymore. Not saying i’m completely over it though.

 

3. She invests. The proof of this was at the beginning of the RP where i use a fantasia to go back to my main for a bit to experience story content with him.

During that time she kept asking for her wife back which was funny. I guess she just lost interest and that’s it.

 

8 hours ago, Tregarde said:

Relationships in a game are very much like relationships in real life. For them to work there requires communication. At some point there was a communication breakdown. From what you've posted above, it seems like you tried to keep communication open.

 

I did try. Problem is she has issues dealing with problems IRL. If she gets too stressed she just shuts down, ignores people and refuses to talk to anyone for awhile. It happened to me a couple of times on really silly subjects. So i also had to take this into consideration when talking to her. 

 

8 hours ago, Tregarde said:

You say she is still sending you pictures and telling you stories. It's very possible she still wants to be your friend and is trying to share, but it hasn't sunk in yet that what you need is some time to cool off, and she isn't sure what else do do.

 

 

Yes. She’s sending me bits and pieces of info of what’s going on with her character on the new server. While i did tell her that I am saddened by the loss of our RP, I did not go into such detail with her as I did in this thread. Never mentioned to her that I was an emotional mess for 2 weeks haha...

 

8 hours ago, Tregarde said:

I can not say with certainty why she started playing elsewhere and not telling you what was going on.

 

An online friend told us about this server. We both explored it together and she took a liking to it.

 

Also, she did tell me what was going on on that server. We RPed together there aswell, but me being a gamer more focused on endgame content, i wanted to actually play on the character i’ve been playing for 5 years. The only problem was that at one point she just came to me out of the blue and said she wants to end our characters’ relationship on that new server. That was one of the many signs that lead to this situation. 

 

8 hours ago, Tregarde said:

I've known many who quit a game entirely after something like that.

 

Honestly, it did cross my mind at one point. But I am, and always will be, a gamer at heart. And FFXIV is a game I love too much to abandon for something like this. I’ll see where this RP rabbit whole goes and if it’s not my thing, i’ll always have endgame content to keep me company i guess.

 

**********************

 

Just going to add one more thing here to kinda finish the story. She did talk to me about wanting to somehow merge her main character with the character on the new server, but she wanted to do it in a way that would break her character’s backstory and our 6 month worth of RP. I told her that not only do I not agree with it because it would ruin my character and her ending, but it would also completely break her character’s integrity and personality because she tried to forcefully change him into something he’s not (i.e. turn him gay when it was clearly established in his backstory and in the RP that he’s straight). We talked about it and she decided against doing that.

 

But right now, things seem to have calmed down.

 

I thank everyone here that has read and talked to me about this issue. I believe that without your help I would’ve still been in that horrible state of mind. So thank you for taking the time to help me. 

 

If there’s anything else you’d like to say or talk to me about or just maybe need someone to listen, i’m willing to return the favor either here or on Discord. ^^

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Alistaiir