Hydaelyn Role-Players

My thoughts are chasing themselves around in my mind lately, so I'm writing them down so I can find some order in this. It makes me laugh a little and reminds me how much I have changed, from that chaotic girl who would put herself into so much danger, to what I am now.

But what am I? Well a mother for one, and perhaps the first among many things. It has changed me more than I really ever thought, and continues to affect my choices in life. I cannot just do as I wish, as others depend on me. At first it was my daughter, but now others as well. Though at this point I am having trouble, because I cannot support them, I am myself in dire need of succor.

I did once trust a lot more than I have. It gals me when I am told to be careful, I have tired to say just how careful I am, how few ever get past my scrutiny. Not even those that have been with me for quite some time now. For trust can be gained, and lost with equal measure. I think oft on what my sister says, that nothing is ever as it seems. With that in mind I look on ever new thing, I observe and calculate it from every angle.

I am blessed with a quick mind, so I dont think people realize what I am doing, doing what I must to guard myself.

Sitting in my Inn room tonight, so very tried after the hunts, but its a satisfied tired. My mind has turned to song again, I can feel my voice returning again. Its been weeks since I sang, since I felt my heart could give voice to the words I know. I worked again on my new compositions, adapting old songs to this new land I find myself in. So what has changed?

I have found the quiet I needed, I found the fire and the passion that I lost, if only in small measures. But to me they are the greatest ardor, such small flames are like stars to one who's flame has dimmed to almost nothing. Nothing is worthless, not matter how simple, how small, how short lived. 

How far I have come, from the blazing bright, can I remember her clearly, the woman I was? Can I temper it with the woman I am now, experienced and maybe even a little wise?

Love is something that has caused me among the greatest pain in my life. Perhaps I loved too easily and believed too deeply in its commitment. I stood by my love, till I could no longer hold on, and then I ran, I escaped, I fled. I have been used by my feelings of love, controlled and trapped, and am always, always wary of such happening again. The wounds from those times, have healed, but the scars remained, reminders of past folly.

Those scars make me wary, and they make me fight for what I believe to be true. What I want, and need in a relation, be it friend or lover. I rarely compromise because I really trust, and that makes me very difficult to love, for those who have their own scars. Or that is my theory.

I have made promises to myself, which I will not break. That if there ever comes a time when my love for someone, causes me to hurt myself, to neglect what I need to feel alive, I have to leave. I will never be trapped or have my feelings used against me. Oh what a long way I have come from the careful woman I was, but if I am to live, to be happy and to find her again, I need to keep this promise.

I still see that mischievous girl, daring and full of life, I know I will get her back. In her memory I purchased one of those wind up succubus, and it made me happy. I do have to wonder why such a little thing, brought me joy in these last days when little else could? But, if I am to find happiness, I need to be strong and hold to my belief. I need to feel I am an equal in my love, in my relations, and I will find this, like the hunter I am.

I have made various promises, and I do not recal how many I have managed to keep. But I have failed to keep one, it seems, and I will admit to my guilt over not being able to do so. Does it matter that I tried all I could to do so? I cant call myself blameless in this, because a promise is a powerful thing and I should have known better before vowing it. 

Perhaps I am selfish too, the thought is going around in my head. It is like waring factions, yet to decide the opinion in my mind, and I do not know who I wish to win. Do I become totally selfless? have I always been so selfish? I have questions and doubts now, which is shaking my confidence. But I cannot just sit here and do nothing, confident or not, I must move forward.

I have not been able to sing for weeks now, I braved the crowd at a Tavern, but it did not turn out so well. A combination of factors, but most of all my nerves got to me, and my heart betrayed me again not feeling the song. But I must find a way to do this again, for a bard without voice is a sad thing. Find some way to bring heart back into voice, find the fire I lost, a reason to sing again.

I have managed to sing again, and it felt as if a great tension was released from my heart and I felt free again, unlike I have felt for some time. I was very pleased with the response from the assembled throng, it is always difficult to be heard over the mass of people. Both songs in fact were received well, though I am sure the second caused some eyebrows to raise, though I did hear one pirate shout his appreciation. It was exactly the effect I hoped to achieve, and yet it did not see me tossed from the premises.

I am still deliberating what happened recently when I found myself parting from those I loved. Though someone told me recently that at times we have to be selfish, if we are in need or in a situation that makes us unhappy. I am not sure, and there is the matter of broken promises. These have been weighing on my mind recently. I know it will be some time before I feel I acted for the best, the doubt still holds sway in my mind.

But I cannot dwell on this forever, to do so would have me stagnate, unable go grow. If I cannot learn from these mistakes it is double the mistake. I cannot let live pass me by, for fear of making another mistake. That is something I hope not to do again, as I have in the past. Caution is good, but inaction will only lead to depression.

Tokens of affection are often given between lovers, they can have great meaning, and it is the simplest things that have the greatest meanings. Marriage is more than just the final act of lovers who wish to make things legal. It is a ceremony, it gives weight to the symbols of the wedding rings. It should not be rushed, nor done on a whim, but planned and thought of for a long time. It is not just the ceremony, it is not just a document or a token. Is the energy of two people being combined over a time into a alchemy that binds them.

I have heard much talk about what makes a home, that it is the people who share it that make it a place of the living. I think that is true, but it is also the items they wish to decorate or use in their home that help give the place. Many have memories of shared times, or a history of their own which they bring into this new home. They can be symbolic or practical in purpose, but even the most mundane item can be given meaning through experience.

A house itself is molded by those who live in it, and over time take on a personality of its own, made from our experiences in it. So it always a good thing to remember, that when you live with someone, your experiences will color the space you life in. It can both good and bad, and effort should be put into make the space enjoyable for all involved. Or a home will rot from the inside, in my own experience at least.

Trust is something I have struggled with all my life, you could of course say that my ill start is to blame, and also what followed. But I think perhaps it was my refusal to see the worst in people, that has left me open to experiences, which have further damaged my trust in others. Perhaps I left myself too open, but I know I am very closed hearted these days. So how does one build trust with me?

I am difficult, I know this, I watch everything and remember. I analyse and compare, I wish my mind would not do this. I know it will take some time to trust Rosey fully. It pains me. What have I become?

I am seeing all these bonds form, around me, and I want this for myself. I hope will be ready, but I know I am not ready now. I still ache for such things. I still long for arms around me at night, the warmth against mine, the presence of someone in my life. The bond formed not of material things, but the day after day of their presence in my life. The simple words, brief but meaningful gestures, love letters and little treats. Yes, those, do build my trust.

I have to believe in what I have, that those things I long for, are here to stay. I have to work for them, make time for them, devote myself to them. Nothing is ever a simple promise.

I am home, such a simple thing, but it has so many meanings. For some it is a place that they can feel comfortable, safe and relaxed. For some it is those they have around them, their family or friends or lovers. I always search for my home, and as a Finder it is not easier a task than anyone else. 

I surrounded myself in so much, wanting to build a home like one would build a fortress or a palace. I think I thought that if I had so many then it would not end, or it would not go away, or I could not loose it. But that is wrong, it did go away. More often than I like to think about. So perhaps there is a better way.

How much do you need to be at home? Birds have a nest, it is something small they share, they make it themselves and share it with their mate. Is it that simple? Perhaps the devotion, the strength of the bond is more important than the number items involved. Perhaps a small cottage is far safer, than a large mansion. You cannot loose yourself in a mansion, and your always closer to the things you love.

Yes, I am home.

Eternity is a long time, yet I see a lot of people talk of it, like it is some goal to be achieved. To me that does not make sense. You cannot achieve something that would last forever, but its very nature it will never reach its goal. yet, for some it is the goal they set themselves on, and then, weep when they fall short. Why set yourself an impossible task?

Because is such an impossible ideal for me to achieve, it seems, so far off, it seems so immeasurable, I could never think of ever working to reach such a goal. So I have not. An yet, the impossible has happened in my life, it seems such a paradox, that the unreachable has appeared before me, and I have it. Eternity is like that I suppose, something that everyone thinks is impossible, but yet we do achieve it. 

Each moment, each touch, each kiss, is a eternity in of itself. Eternity is not a measure of how long you are doing something, but a measure of how often the time stops and you find yourself in another's arms. These little eternities are what should be our goal, no matter how long they last, if you have even a handful of such moments, then yes, you have eternity with the one you love.

I cannot sleep, and I watch my daughters breathing form in the bed beside me. It was very hard to sleep in a cold bed, after so long together. She is happy enough, reading in the garden or visiting the city, but she knows I just need someone around me right now.

My Rosey, I miss your scent, your warmth, you silly sense of humor and the way we play together. I pray to your own chosen guardian, you will return soon, for I find it hard when your away. My calm and my heart are both threatened by the turmoil of daily life, and I keep a smiling face to those around me. I only feel truly safe in your arms.

Secrets, as has been said, are those things you do not what known. But that is not all, because if it is told, it is no longer a secret, as they say. But who has shared a secret and found a special feeling with those they tell. It is a valued and special thing a few can share, but after more know it seems to loose its value. Does a secret decrease in value the more that know? There seems to be no set number, when a secret is no longer valued, but then there are many types of secrets and a myriad of values.

There are those that deal in secrets, it is a valuable trade in certain quarters. Are these the merchants or the thieves? Can a secret be traded, surely its value is in knowing a secret that others do not? Which usually includes the one you took the secret from. It seems traders in secrets are more thieves than merchants. But the trade still caries on, for people love secrets.

Then there the special ones, the ones, just one, you share your secrets with. These small and important parts of your life that define you, and shape who you are. That one, that you tell the most important secret too 'I love you'. An after that, share a number of little secrets if you are fortunate. Those, those are the true artisans of the secret. Works of beauty, that no eyes will see.

Death is something we know from a young age, or at least I did. When you are brought up a hunter you know that things die. You see it first hand and you feel the blood on your hands and the shuttering last breath of your prey. It is a part of your life, it feeds you and clothes you, its bones become weapons and tools. There is a certain respect to that death.

Children are also a part of your life, especially mine. In the tribe, in my own clan and my own dear daughter. You expect them to grow and become something else in the future. Perhaps a parent of their own child. There are always cycles I see in life, but then there are times where I see nothing.

The death of a child is hard, what purpose does it serve, none that I know. You barely had time to know what they would be. But today I buried a child that had not been born, was it a child at all? The greatness of the loss, not of who they were, but who they could have been. The many different possibilities that were lost, the paths never trodden. It is not just the death of a unborn child, it is the death of a universe of possibilities that will never be.

I have skill with a bow, it seems so natural, and like some of my race I was taught at a early age. First it was to hunt, then when I left the tribe, it was to survive. You learn something when your skill determines if you want to eat. You learn awareness, you learn determination, you learn to not be distracted from your goal. Everything is about the slow moment before the action. In that moment you decide to kill something to live. 

You cannot hold back, you cannot do half effort, doing less than you can do is disrespectful to the creature you take life from. That is what I was taught, a very traditional tribal way of looking at the hunt. It has been so long since those early lessons, and perhaps I forgot what is important about it. But I know things now that, that scrawny child with messy hair never knew, my own strength. Somewhere along that journey, my own strength became something I feared, because it was different. Because it marked me apart from others.

I hid that part of myself, I conformed, and followed my new tribe of adventurers. I did not want to be marked as different, I wanted to be, accepted.

That not only disrespected my opponents, but also, disrespected myself. Tonight my partner asked me to train against her. I asked her to keep me safe, from myself, to protect me from my own gifts. Only then can I let go and see, just how far these talents of mine will take me.

I woke up from a dream, and wrote it down. I could see myself, or not quite myself, repeated through endless variations. Are these the woman that have born the same name as I? I have only had them described, in stories, I do not know if they are even true.

What are they to me, are they like sisters, or copies. Reflections of myself, or am I really, their reflections. I watch them as they perform their abilities, some are like me, just skilled. But then, there are others, who I cannot imagine having such power. Is it power, or just a skill I do not know?

Often beside them, is a sister, even if it is in spirit. An then there is Mother, always, there. Somehow she is always the same, even if she looks different. I can just recognize her every time I see her. Is she here, watching me?

I have so many questions without answers.