Osric & Tash, Pt. 2


"Sup."

"...gods damn, that was quick. Hells were you doin', watching the bar?"

"Someone's gotta be on quality control with the whiskey. The fuck else am I supposed t' do?
Fuckin' benched in this lame ass place."

"Please tell me you've got them payin' you for that."

"...what, for drinkin'?"

"...."

"...you think that'd work?"

"Depends on how y'sell it."

"Damn, Melkire, you might be onto somethin'. That's genius.
If it's like.... a business meetin', it's like... expenses, right?"

"....suppose so. What, you plannin' on billin' him for that? I meant the establishment."

" ...wait, why would they pay me t' drink?"

"Someone's got t'make certain that they ain't servin' piss for ale... 'n' that there ain't any poison in 'em."

"I don't think 'ale tester' is a real job, man."

"I could sell it."

"Oh yeah?"

"Twenty gil says I can."

"Yer fuckin' on."




"After we're done here, mayhap."

"Yeah, yeah."

"What's the word?"

"Bossman says he wants 'em all, and he'll go five gees each. But he was wonderin' if you could get more.
Says if you could double it, there'd be a bonus in it for ya."

"I ain't in this for the coin. He knows that."

"That's what he said. "

"More'll take time--"

"Hey, if you don't want it, you could give it to me."

"--are you goin' t'save or spend? I could hold onto it for you. Save you the trouble o' drinkin' it away."

"Uh huh... seriously, the fuck else is there to do here?
It's cold as shit and everyone got a fuckin' stick up their asses."

"I can get more. Can't promise double, though. It'll take me a moon or so."

"A'ight, I'll tell 'im."



"...could always buy passage t'Falcon's Nest 'n' go hunting. Be a better use o' your time than sittin' on your arse."

"...what falcon? And Yeah, no shit, but bossman has -his- fuckin' ideas about it."

"No, no, ain't a bird. Name o' some settlement they've got out west."

"Yeah. Fuck, man, I know I owe 'im, but this place is gonna drive me nuts."

"Trade you jobs?"

"What, you like sittin' and waitin'?"

"Sittin' and waitin' doesn't get you killed. No risk, all the drink... warm...."

"Yeah, it sounds good, but ...I dunno. I do real bad with sittin' in one place for long.
Man, what do you do? 'Sides gatherin' whatever the fuck for rich douches."

"You wantin' a description? I wrestle with fanatics, gamble with the undead,
trade favors for freedom, 'n' slave for somethin' better."

"The fuck? Sounds like you run the freakiest club ever."

"Ha! No, that'd be the crows. How often will he be wantin' t'hear from me, do you reckon?"

"Not sure. He don't tell me shit. I'm just the fuckin' errand girl."

"...."

"The more we meet, the more I can bill 'im for my whiskey, though."

"Tell him he can keep the coin. I want your debt instead."

"...huh?"




"You keep pissin' 'n' moanin' about how you hate owin' him that favor, 'n' that you're bored 'n' wastin' away sittin' round and drinkin' all gods-damned sun. If he doesn't have anythin' better for you, I might. Ain't like you're the only errand girl around what can do this job."

"Heh. Oh yeah? An' what kinda services you be interested in for that kinda money?"

"I know some folks what need finding. Would keep you on the move."

"Oh, you're serious. I thought you was just hittin' on me."

"Tried that last time. You shot me down, remember?"

"Aw, that was a shootdown t' you? You ain't tryin' that hard, then."

"Why bother? If a lass ain't interested, there's no point in chasin' after her. I'm a gentleman, after a fashion.
Forcin' m'self on you with offers left 'n' right... nah. Don't sit right.".

"Who said I wasn't interested?"

"You did."

"Nah. I think that's what you heard, 'cause yer kinda a pussy."

"Nah, wasn't anythin' you -said-. It's in the way you... ahh, piss on it 'n' forget I ever made mention."

"Aw, man, I'm just givin' you shit."

"Aye, a little. But you mean some of it."

"You wanna drink? It's on bossman."

"...nah, I'm good. We still have that wager, remember?"

"Yup."




"...so, you never did give me a straight answer."

"About what?"

"Whether or not you'd relay that to your employer."

"...."

"Me buyin' your debt?"

" ...wait, you're really serious?

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Man, I don't know exactly what the deal is, but... that's a pretty fuckin' big hit to take."

"I have m'own debts to settle. This'd help."

"By losin' money?"

"I don't deal in coin, remember?"




"Looks like you owe me twenty gil. But I'll take the story about the string an' the whore instead."

"Someone wanted t'know whether Hyuran voices could mimic dhalmel calls. I told 'em sure, why not, give me some string and a random whore and I'll make her moan like a filthy animal."

"With string."

"Aye, with string."

"Well, I'm dyin' to hear the rest of this... holy shit, you'd think fruit was made of gold here. You ain't a cheap date."

"I'm cheap on Vylbrand. Not so much elsewhere. And what else is there to tell?"

"What do you mean what else is there to tell? The fuck you do with the string?"




"Well, for one thing, wasn't a single length. Even I can't work miracles. See, first you've got to bind her nice 'n' tight, in at least half a dozen ways... let the string trail over her skin, y'see, helps with her excitement...."

"...oh."

"...."

"...so this is the part where I'm supposed t' believe you're good enough to make a whore come."

"Lady, I've -been- a whore. I know how the game's played."

"Whoa... serious?"

"Aye. Six moons. Mother was one for cycles 'n' cycles."

"Huh. Uh, I mean... man, people gotta do all sorts of shit."

"Happens. Anyroad, you play some slack over certain parts long enough, with varyin' pressure 'n' what-not,
and the whore does it to her own self. Easy."

"Easy, huh. The fuck you doin' here when you could be makin' a fortune teachin' guys what to do?
The world needs you, man!"

"...."

"'Course, that's assumin' she wasn't fakin'. Gotta say,
I met more'n my share of men who think they're the shit in bed."

"Trick is t'not listen t'what they say, but watch how they move after.
That's how y'tell whether you were any good."

"You almost sound like you know what yer talkin' about."

"Thought I was just some pussy."

"Could be I was wrong."

"Could be."

"So, uh.... look. If you're really serious, I'll let 'im know the deal you're offerin'.
But I don't see how it works for you at all. I mean, I'm the first to say how fuckin' great I am."

"How it works for me is m'own business."

"And, man, you say you don't care about gil. But we're talkin' a few hundred large.
How in the fuck am I gonna pay that off?"

"...you ever lost someone?"

"...yeah. Hasn't everyone?"

"That's how you pay it off. Findin' folks what need findin'. Not all o' them walk away.
Some are forced. Some go missin'. Others are killed... you find answers."

"Sure, man, but you could hire someone for way less than what you're offerin' you know who."

"You really want t'know? What's in it for me, I mean."

"Yeah, I do. World don't work like that. Ain't nothin' free."

"No, nothing is. This... this'd hurt someone I hate."

" ...what, buyin' me off? I don't think anyone gives a shit who I work for, so...
what, you tryin' to lose gil?"

"Maybe."

"A'ight, man, I guess I shouldn't look a gift frog in the ass, or whatever. If you're really sure, I'll tell 'im."

"Aye, please. And thank you for the drink."

"But this still don't mean I'm gonna sleep with you."

"Who said I want you to?"

"Oh, he all sassy now!"

"Sass is as sass does!"