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NariMoon · **10-05-2017, 09:42 AM**

So I have the following backstory for my Xaela, Nari Moon. Is it too much? Would you say it fits within the lore boundaries?Â

"Born to a tribe where the women were the hunters with bows and arrows, and the men were the homemakers. Nariâ€™s childhood was full of carving bows out of trees, and hunting down animals for the tribe to eat with her mother. However, when she was 14 her mother died. She never really got on with her father, it always seemed like he hated her, only every spoke two words to her everyday. Simply â€œStay Safe,â€ but she never knew if that was for her or her mother. He took the death of this wife very badly, and ended up telling Nari a hidden secret. He wasnâ€™t her father. About 9 months before Nari was born, her mother was out hunting on a 3 day quest. Where she met a Raen, who was travelling for to gather knowledge. They had a quick whirlwind of a romance, and then went separate ways. Apparently, her mother didnâ€™t tell him this until Nari was nearly born with fear that she may be born with the white scales of her birth-father. The man who raised her also told Nari that he had always resented her, as she was a gift from another man, that he couldnâ€™t give the woman he loved. He raised her despite that because he loved Nariâ€™s mother too much to leave her, and he always wanted to raise a girl. A few days later, he grabbed Nari and packed a small sack of essentials and left the tribe. Along the way, he sold her to a rich family as a hunter and took off with the money, and promised that he will be back when he has grieved for his wife. But he never did come back. The family that she was sold to were not what she thought. They were in fact a family like a mafia. They owned a brothel and thought women were only good for serving men with food, wine and sex. They bought Nari as their â€œexoticâ€ girl. During her time at the brothel she became the top girl. She worked the brothel, seeing 3-7 men a shift, at night, and was a maid during the day. She was only given 3 hours for sleep a day. One day, when she was about 21, she met a tall man, with black hair and glistening blue eyes. He started to visit her every night. Not just for sex, but for conversation. He taught her how to read and write. And even how to use the sword. They were in love. When she was 24, she started to sneak out of the brothel to see him. The family that owned her found out. They threatened to kill her if she didnâ€™t stop seeing him. But she knew this was an empty threat. They needed her alive, she made them a fortune every night. After a while, she stopped going to the brothel completely and was planning on running away with the man she loved. But she needed money, and was stealing little bits of cash when she was the maid during the day. However, this didnâ€™t go down well. She was held back by two of his men, while her boss and about 15 others went after her lover. Nari's mind started to fade, and her eyes changed colour. Something changed within her, she had snapped. Grabbing the knife from one man's boot, she stabbed the other. And when the other one retaliated, she kicked him in the groin. She ran. Running towards the barn, she grabbed the closest mount, which just happened to be her master's most prised possession, a white winged horse. It was also her favourite. And took off. Grabbing a bow and a bag of arrows she had stashed in the barn on the way. She had caught up with the mob, but she was too late. About 300 yards in front of her was the lifeless body of her lover. In anger, she grabbed an arrow from her back and aimed the bow at her former boss. It hit him right in the heart. He died. The rest of the men started running towards her, she grabbed several more arrows, aimed and fired. Several fell to the ground. She galloped towards her lover, and managed to get him over the steed's back and get on herself before the rest of the men caught up. She ran away. Her eyes changed back to the pink they once were, and her mind cleared. She couldn't remember what just happened, and was a little confused as to why she was on the back of the horse, clinging on to the man she loved. She cried. Within the next month, she buried her life partner in the spot they agreed to meet. And hid out in the woods. She did attempt to go back to the city in which she came, but there were wanted posters plastered to every wall with her face and name on them. She left. This was all 3 years ago. She was able to track down the man that brought her up, and he gave a name of her birth father and a possible location on where to find him. She started to track down her real father to Ul'dah. Making money by any means along the way. You name it, she's done it. She discovered she was particularly good at gathering rare items. This is where we see her today. Finally made it to Ul'dah after going through the Azim Steppe and Dorma. Staying a pub and library working for a newspaper. While gathering and hunting for a bit of side money."

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.Â

Varinh · **10-05-2017, 10:27 AM**

Whenever I write backstories, I like to be careful not to add too many details which stand out as possibly being "gimmicks", or details that are unnecessary to the story itself and just added in for a cool factor. A few things I'd suggest thinking over are: "What's the inspiration for having colour-changing eyes? Does it do anything for the story-telling aspect that simply saying she 'hulks out' can't already cover?" A character with an out-of-control rage streak would be pretty awesome, but another thing to consider on that note is how she killed seven men without so much as a scratch with casual training from her lover, who could not kill a single one himself. That might be a bit unrealistic, and it could contribute more to the story to have the deep-set angst and grief of not being able to avenge her dead lover, the hatred of self for being too weak at the time, inspiring her to go on and become a better fighter to kill evil men like that.

I believe Pegasuses are also only found canonically in the Diadem, named such because the location was recently found and claimed "so beautiful, it was a Diadem fit for Gods". It's considered terribly dangerous and only accessible by airships, which does beg the question of how a brothel owner might get their hands on one.

NariMoon · **10-05-2017, 10:33 AM**

(10-05-2017, 10:27 AM)Lymhia Wrote: Whenever I write backstories, I like to be careful not to add too details which stand out as possibly being "gimmicks", or details that are unnecessary to the story itself and just added in for a cool factor. A few things I'd suggest thinking over are: "What's the inspiration for having colour-changing eyes? Does it do anything for the story-telling aspect that simply saying she 'hulks out' can't already cover?" A character with an out-of-control rage streak would be pretty awesome, but another thing to consider on that note is how she killed seven men without so much as a scratch with casual training from her lover, who could not kill a single one himself. That might be a bit unrealistic, and it could contribute more to the story to have the deep-set angst and grief of not being able to avenge her dead lover, the hatred of self for being too weak at the time, inspiring her to go on and become a better fighter to kill evil men like that.

I believe Pegasuses are also only found canonically in the Diadem, named such because the location was recently found and claimed "so beautiful, it was a Diadem fit for Gods". It's considered terribly dangerous and only accessible by airships, which does beg the question of how a brothel owner might get their hands on one.

Thanks the awesome feedback. You've given me some things to think about. She did grow up in a tribe where the women went hunting with bows and arrows, which is where she gets that skill from. Maybe, I might rethink it a bit more.

Kieron Lohengrin · **10-05-2017, 11:15 AM**

(10-05-2017, 09:42 AM)NariMoon Wrote: So I have the following backstory for my Xaela, Nari Moon. Is it too much? Would you say it fits within the lore boundaries?Â

"Born to a tribe where the women were the hunters with bows and arrows, and the men were the homemakers. Nariâ€™s childhood was full of carving bows out of trees, and hunting down animals for the tribe to eat with her mother. However, when she was 14 her mother died. She never really got on with her father, it always seemed like he hated her, only every spoke two words to her everyday. Simply â€œStay Safe,â€ but she never knew if that was for her or her mother. He took the death of this wife very badly, and ended up telling Nari a hidden secret. He wasnâ€™t her father. About 9 months before Nari was born, her mother was out hunting on a 3 day quest. Where she met a Raen, who was travelling for to gather knowledge. They had a quick whirlwind of a romance, and then went separate ways. Apparently, her mother didnâ€™t tell him this until Nari was nearly born with fear that she may be born with the white scales of her birth-father. The man who raised her also told Nari that he had always resented her, as she was a gift from another man, that he couldnâ€™t give the woman he loved. He raised her despite that because he loved Nariâ€™s mother too much to leave her, and he always wanted to raise a girl. A few days later, he grabbed Nari and packed a small sack of essentials and left the tribe. Along the way, he sold her to a rich family as a hunter and took off with the money, and promised that he will be back when he has grieved for his wife. But he never did come back. The family that she was sold to were not what she thought. They were in fact a family like a mafia. They owned a brothel and thought women were only good for serving men with food, wine and sex. They bought Nari as their â€œexoticâ€ girl. During her time at the brothel she became the top girl. She worked the brothel, seeing 3-7 men a shift, at night, and was a maid during the day. She was only given 3 hours for sleep a day. One day, when she was about 21, she met a tall man, with black hair and glistening blue eyes. He started to visit her every night. Not just for sex, but for conversation. He taught her how to read and write. And even how to use the sword. They were in love. When she was 24, she started to sneak out of the brothel to see him. The family that owned her found out. They threatened to kill her if she didnâ€™t stop seeing him. But she knew this was an empty threat. They needed her alive, she made them a fortune every night. After a while, she stopped going to the brothel completely and was planning on running away with the man she loved. But she needed money, and was stealing little bits of cash when she was the maid during the day. However, this didnâ€™t go down well. She was held back by two of his men, while her boss and about 15 others went after her lover. Nari's mind started to fade, and her eyes changed colour. Something changed within her, she had snapped. Grabbing the knife from one man's boot, she stabbed the other. And when the other one retaliated, she kicked him in the groin. She ran. Running towards the barn, she grabbed the closest mount, which just happened to be her master's most prised possession, a white winged horse. It was also her favourite. And took off. Grabbing a bow and a bag of arrows she had stashed in the barn on the way. She had caught up with the mob, but she was too late. About 300 yards in front of her was the lifeless body of her lover. In anger, she grabbed an arrow from her back and aimed the bow at her former boss. It hit him right in the heart. He died. The rest of the men started running towards her, she grabbed several more arrows, aimed and fired. Several fell to the ground. She galloped towards her lover, and managed to get him over the steed's back and get on herself before the rest of the men caught up. She ran away. Her eyes changed back to the pink they once were, and her mind cleared. She couldn't remember what just happened, and was a little confused as to why she was on the back of the horse, clinging on to the man she loved. She cried. Within the next month, she buried her life partner in the spot they agreed to meet. And hid out in the woods. She did attempt to go back to the city in which she came, but there were wanted posters plastered to every wall with her face and name on them. She left. This was all 3 years ago. She was able to track down the man that brought her up, and he gave a name of her birth father and a possible location on where to find him. She started to track down her real father to Ul'dah. Making money by any means along the way. You name it, she's done it. She discovered she was particularly good at gathering rare items. This is where we see her today. Finally made it to Ul'dah after going through the Azim Steppe and Dorma. Staying a pub and library working for a newspaper. While gathering and hunting for a bit of side money."

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.Â

Don't think it's too much, but paragraph breaks are your friend

Ellmida · **10-05-2017, 06:29 PM**

You're doing a lot of Drive-By exposition right out of the gate, it's a little confusing to follow because it feels like you're jumping around frequently to go into more detail. This happens to be a problem I have too when I'm just trying to dump my ideas out before I forget them and what I end up having to do is go back and clean it up, basically proofreading and knocking out what doesn't fit or changing things around so it flows more easily.

A little character advice: Having a long backstory is not a bad thing, you can make your backstory as long or short as you like but...

...backstory is not personality.

I kind of got the impression that you're focusing a lot on what happened to your character and less about how much that has shaped the character to what she is NOW.

I also would like you to consider discrepencies, like he always wanted to raise a girl but sold her this easily? Or rather in a tribe where woman do the hunting getting rid of the only living girl might cause him a disadvantage if he was never taught to, or if he returns to a tribe where women have a higher status there might be issue when he comes home alone.

This is going to get into some...uncomfortable details butÂ as you are playing a Brothel girl we will need to get into some details. For the benefit of everyone I've added this info in a spoiler tag

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Those are really all my points. Try to think how every part of the backstory has turned her into the person she is. Does her being rid of by the father who raised her cause trust issues with other people?

If she grew up in a matriarchal tribe then how does she treat men?

Is she a survivalist?

Is she pretty uninterested in sex after having that be half her life now? Is she casual about it?

If her lover has died is she still pining for him? distant from others?

These are my thoughts, I hope it helps.

Faye · **10-05-2017, 06:34 PM**

To be honest, I haven't and won't read this without paragraph breaks. Blush

They are necessary for a longer backstory like this. That said, I can't really comment on the lore compliance. But I will say, write the backstory you want to write with the details you want to include. Your character's backstory is for your own enjoyment as much as anyone else's, and it's good to have some details down in the writing so you don't forget or muddle them. If you want others to read and know your character's backstory, however, short and simple is the best way to go. No reason you can't have an abridged version for your wiki or bio, as well as a full version to post elsewhere as a story for anyone who's interested! Smile

Too much for a back story?

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes