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Parvacake · **04-09-2015, 11:21 AM**

Communication: A More In-depth Look

The last segment of the guide is one that I have touched on multiple times throughout, with good reason! Communication is vitally important no matter what kind of relationship you're in. But alas, no one is perfect, so mistakes and the like will be made along the way. Sometimes in RP it's fun to purposefully have your character make mistakes and mess up for the sake of growth and development.

To wrap it all up, I've condensed everything to a few points, tips, and suggestions.

Don't be afraid to hurt someone's feelings by being honest: If you're no longer comfortable with the current RP, tell your partner. Don't bottle it up, brush it off, or internalize it. Doing that has a way of coming out in less positive, constructive ways. The sooner things are talked about the smoother they usually go!

It's alright to be a little selfish sometimes: Every relationship, RP or otherwise, is usually about a certain amount of give or take. Especially with polyamory because you're spreading your character amongst multiple partners with their own unique wants and needs. Neglecting one's own wants or needs for the sake of others is fine when there's a crisis or one partner needs you to be their pillar, but don't be afraid to say 'Well, I need this for myself sooner rather then later' or however the character decides to phrase it.

When you want out, say something: This extends OOCly as well as ICly. If you find this sort of RP isn't for you or you'd rather look into other avenues for creativity and exploration, let your partners know! Or, if it's purely ICly, the sooner it's discussed means the smoother it shall go. Not all separations are amicable (which happens), but it's also easier to swallow if it's a development or decision that is brought up rather then being held within for extended periods. That usually opens up the way to more conflict.

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Short, simple, too the point! I believe the guide covers the rest while leaving the specifics up to the players and the RP. Smile

I'll post special 'extra' segments if I'm messaged with specific requests, but other then that...!

Thank you for reading my guide, and enjoy!

Kalooeh · **04-09-2015, 04:46 PM**

One way I try to explain it to people is kind of like having more than one bestfriend, but with deeper emotional connections and more time commitment.Â
Though seems like a lot of people tend to have trouble with having more than one best friend as well, but others can do quite well with having a couple best friends. Of course it's not very common either for people to have more than a handful of bestfriends, and if someone were to have a ton of people they called their "best friends" it can cause some problems from being stretched thin and it kind of loses it's meaning.

But one thing about it is it depends on the people involved and their interaction requirements. Some people are very lax about how much time is required for them to spend time with their S.O., but doesn't mean their emotional attachment isn't any less meaningful.
Even for monogamous relationships some people may love their partners deeply but be alright with maybe only seeing them once or so a week or sometimes even less and understand life happens, but they know their partner still loves them loves being with them when they are together.
And some people are very demanding of their partner's time and energy and get upset if they can't talk or see their partner at least once a day or sometimes need to throughout the day, and their partner could be fine with that themselves.

But of course there can be the problem if someone is devoting a majority of their time to one partner and neglecting another's needs, and it can happen with friends too where two friends start spending most of their time with each other and the other friends are feeling ignored because they can't seem to get time in with their friends and this other friend is taking up all their time and leaving very little for others, and may also be getting upset when the main person of interest tries to spend more time with other friends.

I've even had friends once that I didn't consider to be a "bestfriend", but they'd get snippy and passive aggressive if I spent time with other friends in situations where they couldn't join in for some reason or another, or get upset when they wernt to focus of my time and attention. I'd often be accused of not caring about them at all, or if I was spending time with friends that also were considered their friends, but we were doing something without them because they couldn't join in or they just plain didn't want to, they'd get upset about being excluded. At one point it got to where the person would accuse me of stealing their friends or get upset with me for spending time with my own friends and that I was being greedy because they had no one else. There'd be a lot of issues where I'd schedule time to spend with a person and then immediately after they'd try to do the same with trying to get the person's or my time and then pitch a fit when the I or person said they were already busy now, but if the person really wanted to they could join in with what we were doing, but they'd often time refused because they wanted personal time, but they wouldn't seem to make an effort to make plans unless it was obvious there was already plans that just didn't include them.
It wasn't even a thing with having scheduled or promised time to spend with this person or same with their other friends spending time with them and then changing my mind and deciding to spend time with other people.Â

And on the other hand I've had people I've really cared about and considered really important make a new friend and spend less and less time with me and more and more time with them to the point that this other person was pretty much taking up all their free time and would even drop planned time to hang out with me to do something with them, and often times without warning or explanation.
I understand the jealousy and frustration behind it, but also eventually I say fuck it and stop bothering because obviously not any kind of priority and not worth my time or effort to try to spend time with them when they just wernt interested.

And hell even I have some jealousy issues as well with my partner, but involving his friends because I may want to do something with him, but all of his time ends up doing something like pvping with his friends. It can be annoying and even hurtful when someone you like ignores you for someone or even something else, but big part of working it out is realizing that people can have interests outside of just you and also accepting that you may not be able to fulfill their every need or interest and it's fine, as long as they're not ignoring you all the time for this other thing and person. It's that way for friendships and relationships.
Especially if you're one of those people who can't really be partners with someone else unless you can be friends first. (And honestly I never got those couples who seemed to love each other and all but wern't friends either and didn't like the others hobbies or friends)

I'm one of those people that is more than happy to spend a lot of time with someone I like if they're available but can also do pretty well too not seeing my significant other or talking to them for a week or more, and once we didn't even really talk for a month. But we're still there to support each other and really love each other. He's less in to the idea of polyamory and like me has a fear of being replaced, but explained to him that polyamory isn't like replacing one person for another. It's just saying I have feelings for this other person as well and like that I can maybe do this thing with them that you have no interest in, but I don't care any less for you. I've managed to convince him too that it's perfectly ok with me if he decides to pick up another partner, especially since he's in another state entirely, but we'd both like to know if the other picks up another person and that everyone knows what's going on and possibly attempt to all talk to each other and see about being at least friends. Don't have to all be partners or even best friends or anything, but do need to at least be ok with each other..... Neither of us have other partners, but option is still there for if it does happen because hell, that's life. Long as we're not ignoring each other for someone else.
And as I joke with him can't really be much worse than it is with us and pvp/rp, since he is less interested in rp than I am and he loves pvp and will often spend a ton of time with his pvp friends, and I'm not so much interested in pvp anymore. Both love each other, but we don't make any huge demands of each other's attention or time except when visiting the other and then we're cuddly as fuck and practically all over each other.... when we're not distracted by sleep or our games Tongue

Another point too is like friends, your friend/partner may have friends/partners that arn't really your friends/partners either.
Like with Kal. Her and Vyhaar are getting married. In a way they're primaries, but Vyhaar also has mates that he's also very close with and has even been with far longer than he has with Kal. Kal isn't involved with them and hell isn't even friendly with all of them, though at worst she's "cool" towards a few, but at times she's also hooked up with some without really considering each other partners. Her partner is also a Nuhn so he has quite a few families he provides for and otherwise partners that are more like secondary partners. Granted as a nuhn he doesn't have to necessarily be close to them, he just needs to provide the breeding, but still he makes sure his partners and kids are taken care of and most of these secondaries she's met. It's a time stretch, but all the people involved also have their own partners as well that are not involved with the guy, just like how Kal is largely not involved with his other mates and their primaries.
It's a large, complex system that could probably very easily overwhelm people, and far as I know there's like 15-20 people involved just for player's characters alone, but it also works out fine with all the characters involved.

There's a large range of what falls in for poly relationships, but the biggest part of it is definitely communication and honestly (Seriously, someone having multiple relationships with people where all partners don't know about each other, whether they're ok with multiple partners or not, is not polyamory. It's cheating. Way too many people will use polyamory as an excuse to cheat), and of course knowing your own limits, as well as being aware of other people's needs and life demands. Some relationships can still be exclusive to just the group, and some are more open. Poly relationships often enough have problems that monogamous ones have and monogamous relationships are just as

Not everyone can do it, and that's ok. But not ok to try to force a partner to change to become monogamous because you arn't comfortable with it or to try to force a monogamous person to become poly. It can work between a mono person and a poly person if they understand and accept each other, but it can also be very difficult or at times impossible depending on personal views as well and sometimes it's just best to part ways, no matter how well they may click otherwise.

Parvacake · **03-08-2016, 08:07 PM**

Update: Guide has been touched up, links checks, some details added, feedback placed, etc.! Like it's mentioned in the guide, if you want to start a debate on any of this, please move it to a separate thread. Cheers and thanks to those that gave me input to make this a better guide for roleplay!

Lydia Lightfoot · **03-08-2016, 08:20 PM**

I didn't know this write-up existed, but I'm glad it does. I'll be linking a few people to it!

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Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide (Complete)

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes