The notion had never entered my mind. I spoke truth to that statement. Not once did I ever suspect any ulterior motive, not then and not now. I know better than that. While I may not have the full benefit of the wisdom of all my years, I do not think myself naive. What I do know is this, in this life, we all have a series of choices to make.
Choices of where we go, where we live. The choices of what actions we take and when. In the great journey of life, we come across many paths. Many of those paths lead in different directions. It is our choice as to which path to take on any given day, and at any given moment. No my friend, I never once thought for a moment of ulterior motives. I did not then, and I do not now.
That does not go to say, that if the path presents itself, I would not choose to follow it. To that end I can not speak. As I am right now, little frightens me. To the point of recklessness. I walk a thin line, a line so thin that to waiver in the slightest could mean my fall. Little frightens me, yes. But that is because I have little to loose. What can be taken from one whom has lost not only everything they had, but who they are?
And that is the rub. What exactly did I loose? True, I may never know. I'll have to square myself with that one day to be true. And I will indeed, when the time is right and my soul no longer cries out. There is one thing that frightens me. Letting anyone inside only to be taken away. Or worse, to be used against me should something terrible cross my path. I will never forgive myself should another have to pay for my sins.
Will I take the path? Perhaps. If my instincts tell me so, I will obey. Just as I always have. They have kept me alive, and kept me out of the weather thus far. I have little cause to doubt them now. Which brings forth yet another question.
Unfinished business. An interesting concept I had not entertained before. Could it be? Could it be possible that from the depths of my own self I am being called to finish something? If what I see in the dreams are a rendition indeed of some deed I had begun, the real question is, do I really want to know?
Having conditioned myself to ignore emotion to the point of not feeling, I can not answer what should be so obvious. It appears what has been a shield for me, is now an equal weakness. Halone give me the strength to stay the course. I'm afraid to feel. It clouds my judgement, and deceives my senses. Not to feel, is a small price to pay to keep going. None would understand the sacrifice in which I make in order to avoid being consumed by the giant hole that runs through my core.
And such is my penance for whatever sins that I may have committed, to bring such relentless and unforgiving torment upon myself. Yet, I am happy here. Do I deserve to be as such? Another damned question. One day, one moment at a time.
Choices of where we go, where we live. The choices of what actions we take and when. In the great journey of life, we come across many paths. Many of those paths lead in different directions. It is our choice as to which path to take on any given day, and at any given moment. No my friend, I never once thought for a moment of ulterior motives. I did not then, and I do not now.
That does not go to say, that if the path presents itself, I would not choose to follow it. To that end I can not speak. As I am right now, little frightens me. To the point of recklessness. I walk a thin line, a line so thin that to waiver in the slightest could mean my fall. Little frightens me, yes. But that is because I have little to loose. What can be taken from one whom has lost not only everything they had, but who they are?
And that is the rub. What exactly did I loose? True, I may never know. I'll have to square myself with that one day to be true. And I will indeed, when the time is right and my soul no longer cries out. There is one thing that frightens me. Letting anyone inside only to be taken away. Or worse, to be used against me should something terrible cross my path. I will never forgive myself should another have to pay for my sins.
Will I take the path? Perhaps. If my instincts tell me so, I will obey. Just as I always have. They have kept me alive, and kept me out of the weather thus far. I have little cause to doubt them now. Which brings forth yet another question.
Unfinished business. An interesting concept I had not entertained before. Could it be? Could it be possible that from the depths of my own self I am being called to finish something? If what I see in the dreams are a rendition indeed of some deed I had begun, the real question is, do I really want to know?
Having conditioned myself to ignore emotion to the point of not feeling, I can not answer what should be so obvious. It appears what has been a shield for me, is now an equal weakness. Halone give me the strength to stay the course. I'm afraid to feel. It clouds my judgement, and deceives my senses. Not to feel, is a small price to pay to keep going. None would understand the sacrifice in which I make in order to avoid being consumed by the giant hole that runs through my core.
And such is my penance for whatever sins that I may have committed, to bring such relentless and unforgiving torment upon myself. Yet, I am happy here. Do I deserve to be as such? Another damned question. One day, one moment at a time.
