It wasn’t looking at the death that made me shut down.
No, I’ve seen death. I’ve been on my own for quite a long time. The first death I saw was within the first year of my being on my own. Being a girl out on your own makes you an easy target for those who would try to take advantage of you. Even in Gridania, things weren’t safe. The first attack came some time in the evening. The moons were hanging in the sky, and I was walking to the inn. He attacked me from behind and threw me on the ground. He was on top of me, and then his eyes, they went wide and still, and he slumped over. I never did see who saved me that night. They were hidden and didn’t say a word. Just walked off as if it were nothing.
No, it’s not the death itself that brought me to this point. It was a mix of things. The nothingness I felt when I saw him, when I heard him sneer at us. It made me numb, it made me cold. How could someone want to kill Lainseworth is beyond me. And now he’s run off because he feels that he is a danger to us. Maybe he’ll never come back. All of that was in me when I looked at him.
That and a mysterious sense of pleasure at the fact that he was going to die. That’s what worried me more than anything. It reminded me of my past dealings and how I felt back then. Emotions I had hoped to keep bottled up, to keep hidden. I didn’t want to feel that. And so, I figured I would rather feel nothing.
I just…I hope that I don’t have to feel that again. Maybe next time I’ll be hardened enough to not feel it. Maybe that is a problem in and of itself. What if death becomes easy?
No, I’ve seen death. I’ve been on my own for quite a long time. The first death I saw was within the first year of my being on my own. Being a girl out on your own makes you an easy target for those who would try to take advantage of you. Even in Gridania, things weren’t safe. The first attack came some time in the evening. The moons were hanging in the sky, and I was walking to the inn. He attacked me from behind and threw me on the ground. He was on top of me, and then his eyes, they went wide and still, and he slumped over. I never did see who saved me that night. They were hidden and didn’t say a word. Just walked off as if it were nothing.
No, it’s not the death itself that brought me to this point. It was a mix of things. The nothingness I felt when I saw him, when I heard him sneer at us. It made me numb, it made me cold. How could someone want to kill Lainseworth is beyond me. And now he’s run off because he feels that he is a danger to us. Maybe he’ll never come back. All of that was in me when I looked at him.
That and a mysterious sense of pleasure at the fact that he was going to die. That’s what worried me more than anything. It reminded me of my past dealings and how I felt back then. Emotions I had hoped to keep bottled up, to keep hidden. I didn’t want to feel that. And so, I figured I would rather feel nothing.
I just…I hope that I don’t have to feel that again. Maybe next time I’ll be hardened enough to not feel it. Maybe that is a problem in and of itself. What if death becomes easy?
![[Image: DI0sJH6.png?1]](http://i.imgur.com/DI0sJH6.png?1)
