11th MAY 2012
How...?
How could I word it without hurting anyone's feelings?
Should I even tell them how I feel at all?
I don't think I can.
I've been doing so much crying recently. Torran says I cry more than Mickel does. Well... maybe I do... but I've got a lot to be upset about. What I wonder is how everyone else cope with such situations without crying...
But I can't cope. Maybe it's because I havn't had friends until I met Corvus Cinis. They made life so much more fun... then they started drifting away. At first, it felt like they were slowly pulling me in... making me one of them... then it felt as if they just stopped and left me somewhere near the outside. And now they've started closing all the doors between them and me.
I don't feel like I'm a part of it. I just feel like I'm taking up space.
If I did leave... how often would I visit? Maybe on the days when I'm not working... but then I'd look in, and if nobody is there... I wouldn't want to stay around. And normally, nobody's in anyway, and I have to wait for a bit... that's the only time I ever see anyone, unless Miyuki is already there. So those visits would be pointless. I'd rather spend more time with Torran and Mickel than sit around an empty room for hours.
And then there's the linkpearl. Didn't Aly say I could always talk over it? That's easier said than done. That thing is scary to use. There's no way of telling who is listening, and maybe some complete stranger might be there... or they might answer... no, I don't want to have to use it.
So what, then? I stay at Corvus Cinis? That all depends on how things go. How often I see everyone. And whether or not I feel like a part of it, and not just some sort of burden.
Maybe it's my fault. I'm not good enough with friends to know what do with them. Specially when they seem so... different. So much more... adult. Even Torran seems more adult than me and he's younger. But at least he's not too adult... but maybe that's why I feel so... disconnected... because I just don't know how to get close to anyone except with the way I got close to Miyuki, but that wouldn't work with the others. They're too grown-up. Too grown up to feel the same about cuddles as Miyuki does... if only some other children lived at Corvus Cinis... then maybe I would be happy there, the same way I'm happy with Torran and Mickel at Gridania.
How...?
How could I word it without hurting anyone's feelings?
Should I even tell them how I feel at all?
I don't think I can.
I've been doing so much crying recently. Torran says I cry more than Mickel does. Well... maybe I do... but I've got a lot to be upset about. What I wonder is how everyone else cope with such situations without crying...
But I can't cope. Maybe it's because I havn't had friends until I met Corvus Cinis. They made life so much more fun... then they started drifting away. At first, it felt like they were slowly pulling me in... making me one of them... then it felt as if they just stopped and left me somewhere near the outside. And now they've started closing all the doors between them and me.
I don't feel like I'm a part of it. I just feel like I'm taking up space.
If I did leave... how often would I visit? Maybe on the days when I'm not working... but then I'd look in, and if nobody is there... I wouldn't want to stay around. And normally, nobody's in anyway, and I have to wait for a bit... that's the only time I ever see anyone, unless Miyuki is already there. So those visits would be pointless. I'd rather spend more time with Torran and Mickel than sit around an empty room for hours.
And then there's the linkpearl. Didn't Aly say I could always talk over it? That's easier said than done. That thing is scary to use. There's no way of telling who is listening, and maybe some complete stranger might be there... or they might answer... no, I don't want to have to use it.
So what, then? I stay at Corvus Cinis? That all depends on how things go. How often I see everyone. And whether or not I feel like a part of it, and not just some sort of burden.
Maybe it's my fault. I'm not good enough with friends to know what do with them. Specially when they seem so... different. So much more... adult. Even Torran seems more adult than me and he's younger. But at least he's not too adult... but maybe that's why I feel so... disconnected... because I just don't know how to get close to anyone except with the way I got close to Miyuki, but that wouldn't work with the others. They're too grown-up. Too grown up to feel the same about cuddles as Miyuki does... if only some other children lived at Corvus Cinis... then maybe I would be happy there, the same way I'm happy with Torran and Mickel at Gridania.
![[Image: RSig2015.png]](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/51152173/RSig2015.png)
