How can I word these feelings? I can't... it's hard... there's just no way... because I have no idea just what they are. They're just there. Are they good? No. I feel like I just want to scream. But how would I describe it...?
Insecurity? Frustration? Loneliness? Isolation? Maybe a mixture of all.
I just want to be with Miyuki right now... but she's not around again today. I've seen plenty of Torran and Mickel - spending time with them won't help this time. No, I need Miyuki... and Aly... because I havn't seen either of them enough recently. But that's just how it goes. You can't choose what happens and when. everyone has their own schedules and their own hobbies. Can't expect them to be seeking you out with the same level of diligence as you do them.... and I bet neither Miyuki nor Alothia sit around for hours waiting for me.
Naturally, of course, I would understand for Aly... she's got other friends who are more important to her than I am... and she has responsibilities, but with Miyuki... I don't know... I don't expect her to be seeking me out any more... perhaps her schedule gets in the way, perhaps not, but if she was as actively trying to encounter me as I her, we would have managed so by now... yesterday, it was just luck that brought us together... Miyuki got delayed on returning to HQ... a sandstorm or something, I think... and she found me where I fell asleep on the floor in the front room.
I know Miyuki cares... she was crying yesterday morining from worry... I just wonder whether... whether spending time with me isn't important anymore. Do I bore her? Or perhaps she just needs me less than she used to... could she have found someone else? Maybe she's been spending more time with Leanna... maybe their relationship has become close enough to stop her from needing to see me as much... it kind of hurts when you end up finding someone ending up as your closest friend, only for them to slip away, as if you mean less to them in terms of standing out from other friends than they to you.
I suppose this is the danger really of entering someone else's life with barely any friendships of your own whilst they already have established relationships. Miyuki after all had a whole family before I met her... whilst I had nothing... just emerging friendships with Kassandra and Alothia.
It's not just Miyuki though... or Miyuki and Alothia... everyone seem to be slipping away... it has been quiet in Corvus Cinis recently, and it has been a while since I have seen Syd or Burgen or Tessa. And even longer with Kass and Endri.
But I don't know... maybe it's good everyone is moving on... I've seen that I'm more of a burden than anything else. I bring worry and sadness to Miyuki... Alothia ends up having to look after me... and the rest just seem to get annoyed, frustrated, weary, confused or tired of me. Is it my childishness? After all, Corvus Cinis are a company of adults and adolescents with a reasonably professional goal. Everyone can look after themselves without insecurities like my own... everyone except me. I don't have the social skills or the confidence or the ability to fit in without being a burden... That's why I still after all these months feel like an outsider, with friendships connecting me to certain members; but not enough to be inclusive. I have no proffesional ties with the company anymore, either... I havn't done any missions for them for a couple of weeks, and before that, it was just that Mavanix stuff, and the role I played I could have easily done whilst working alone... and it wouldn't have affected the company in the slightest. No, the only connections I have now with HQ are my friends. I don't deserve to live there anymore. But I can't return to my old ways of living, because I have too much stuff now; and I can't live in a place of my own, because I can't look after myself in a civilised environment... I can't do housework properly, I'm clumsy, I don't know the rules of things... I'd mess it up.
But then... I can't stay with Mickel and Torran either... their house is too small for me to stay permanantly. Not enough beds. But I'm quite sure that soon, I will leave Corvus Cinis... I will still visit just as much as I do now, but... I don't want to burden them any longer. However, I can't leave until I find a place to stay. And I can't live alone because I can't look after myself, and I can't live in the wild because I have too many belongings. What then? Maybe I could find someone to adopt me, but... there are orphans in all the cities. On the streets of Ul'dah, with the carpentry guild in Gridania and living as beggars and peasants in Limsa Lominsa. I won't find anyone. So I'm stuck at Corvus Cinis.
No... there is an alternative. One that may work. Yes... I could use my room in HQ for storage only. Sleep out in the wilderness, bringing a limited selection of clothing with me so I have protection, and at least 2 outfits so that I can change clothes and wash those I wore on the previous day. Because then, all I'd be doing at Corvus Cinis is using a room up... no more using up their food or their water... but then... would I really visit HQ as much? No... because I would be staying in the Shroud - Thanalan is too hot for me. Ul'dah would be too out of the way to go every evening, and then go back to Gridania again at night.
So i can't leave... and really, I don't want to anyway... i just don't want to be a burden, either. What I really want is a family. Parents. Or just one parent will do. Instead of having to rely on the off chance of bumping into someone in HQ to fulfil the roll of guardian for the day. But who would adopt a shy, wild, immature and insecure Lalafell like myself?... maybe Miyuki if she was maybe ten years older... but Torran's mother calls me awkward, and I've heard comments from Adders members...
I guess the answer to that is simple. I will never experience the feeling of having a proper parental guardian... my foster parents until I was ten years old don't count, because I spent very little time at home, and they were too old to do much more than the basics. I never grew an attatchment or need for them. I suppose the closest person I've ever had to a proper parent is Aly, but... no, she wouldn't want to have that role. She's got enough responsability.
I feel so lonely right now... I don't know what to do... all i can do is hope that someone comes along to rescue me from all this. Someone who will always be there - someone who can look after me without me feeling bad. Someone who for once in my life can make me feel like an ordinary boy.
Insecurity? Frustration? Loneliness? Isolation? Maybe a mixture of all.
I just want to be with Miyuki right now... but she's not around again today. I've seen plenty of Torran and Mickel - spending time with them won't help this time. No, I need Miyuki... and Aly... because I havn't seen either of them enough recently. But that's just how it goes. You can't choose what happens and when. everyone has their own schedules and their own hobbies. Can't expect them to be seeking you out with the same level of diligence as you do them.... and I bet neither Miyuki nor Alothia sit around for hours waiting for me.
Naturally, of course, I would understand for Aly... she's got other friends who are more important to her than I am... and she has responsibilities, but with Miyuki... I don't know... I don't expect her to be seeking me out any more... perhaps her schedule gets in the way, perhaps not, but if she was as actively trying to encounter me as I her, we would have managed so by now... yesterday, it was just luck that brought us together... Miyuki got delayed on returning to HQ... a sandstorm or something, I think... and she found me where I fell asleep on the floor in the front room.
I know Miyuki cares... she was crying yesterday morining from worry... I just wonder whether... whether spending time with me isn't important anymore. Do I bore her? Or perhaps she just needs me less than she used to... could she have found someone else? Maybe she's been spending more time with Leanna... maybe their relationship has become close enough to stop her from needing to see me as much... it kind of hurts when you end up finding someone ending up as your closest friend, only for them to slip away, as if you mean less to them in terms of standing out from other friends than they to you.
I suppose this is the danger really of entering someone else's life with barely any friendships of your own whilst they already have established relationships. Miyuki after all had a whole family before I met her... whilst I had nothing... just emerging friendships with Kassandra and Alothia.
It's not just Miyuki though... or Miyuki and Alothia... everyone seem to be slipping away... it has been quiet in Corvus Cinis recently, and it has been a while since I have seen Syd or Burgen or Tessa. And even longer with Kass and Endri.
But I don't know... maybe it's good everyone is moving on... I've seen that I'm more of a burden than anything else. I bring worry and sadness to Miyuki... Alothia ends up having to look after me... and the rest just seem to get annoyed, frustrated, weary, confused or tired of me. Is it my childishness? After all, Corvus Cinis are a company of adults and adolescents with a reasonably professional goal. Everyone can look after themselves without insecurities like my own... everyone except me. I don't have the social skills or the confidence or the ability to fit in without being a burden... That's why I still after all these months feel like an outsider, with friendships connecting me to certain members; but not enough to be inclusive. I have no proffesional ties with the company anymore, either... I havn't done any missions for them for a couple of weeks, and before that, it was just that Mavanix stuff, and the role I played I could have easily done whilst working alone... and it wouldn't have affected the company in the slightest. No, the only connections I have now with HQ are my friends. I don't deserve to live there anymore. But I can't return to my old ways of living, because I have too much stuff now; and I can't live in a place of my own, because I can't look after myself in a civilised environment... I can't do housework properly, I'm clumsy, I don't know the rules of things... I'd mess it up.
But then... I can't stay with Mickel and Torran either... their house is too small for me to stay permanantly. Not enough beds. But I'm quite sure that soon, I will leave Corvus Cinis... I will still visit just as much as I do now, but... I don't want to burden them any longer. However, I can't leave until I find a place to stay. And I can't live alone because I can't look after myself, and I can't live in the wild because I have too many belongings. What then? Maybe I could find someone to adopt me, but... there are orphans in all the cities. On the streets of Ul'dah, with the carpentry guild in Gridania and living as beggars and peasants in Limsa Lominsa. I won't find anyone. So I'm stuck at Corvus Cinis.
No... there is an alternative. One that may work. Yes... I could use my room in HQ for storage only. Sleep out in the wilderness, bringing a limited selection of clothing with me so I have protection, and at least 2 outfits so that I can change clothes and wash those I wore on the previous day. Because then, all I'd be doing at Corvus Cinis is using a room up... no more using up their food or their water... but then... would I really visit HQ as much? No... because I would be staying in the Shroud - Thanalan is too hot for me. Ul'dah would be too out of the way to go every evening, and then go back to Gridania again at night.
So i can't leave... and really, I don't want to anyway... i just don't want to be a burden, either. What I really want is a family. Parents. Or just one parent will do. Instead of having to rely on the off chance of bumping into someone in HQ to fulfil the roll of guardian for the day. But who would adopt a shy, wild, immature and insecure Lalafell like myself?... maybe Miyuki if she was maybe ten years older... but Torran's mother calls me awkward, and I've heard comments from Adders members...
I guess the answer to that is simple. I will never experience the feeling of having a proper parental guardian... my foster parents until I was ten years old don't count, because I spent very little time at home, and they were too old to do much more than the basics. I never grew an attatchment or need for them. I suppose the closest person I've ever had to a proper parent is Aly, but... no, she wouldn't want to have that role. She's got enough responsability.
I feel so lonely right now... I don't know what to do... all i can do is hope that someone comes along to rescue me from all this. Someone who will always be there - someone who can look after me without me feeling bad. Someone who for once in my life can make me feel like an ordinary boy.
![[Image: RSig2015.png]](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/51152173/RSig2015.png)
