(04-23-2015, 09:56 AM)Gegenji Wrote: As for what I'd like critiqued, while I'd love some overall feedback on my Gogon story, I know that's asking a bit much (and against the stated rules, no less!). So, could someone look over the latest bit I posted not too long ago and let me know what you think? I... kinda feel like I'm overplaying Gogon's paranoia a bit, but I'd like some honest feedback.
I don't think you're overplaying the paranoia here, because the overall purpose of the post is to move Gogonji to Revenant's Toll, and the paranoia is serving as more of a means to that end rather than the point of the post itself.
I actually disagree with Aya that it's a stream-of-consciousness post, because it feels too structured for that. Stream of consciousness, to me anyway, represents a more scattered form of thinking, the mind moving back and forth between several tracks, represented by a falling apart of sentence and paragraph structure. The post avoids that - Gogonji's thought process is easy to track and comes to a simple conclusion - and it's better for it. It would be a much harder thing to read if it were written like some of the classics of that mode of writing, and I don't think your purpose here is to make Gogonji impenetrable to the reader.
So the writing style and purpose is fine. My one comment comes from this:
Quote:And, while he was there, he could pick up his last Rouser - the one for his newly obtained Monk Soul Stone. Then he'd have it, all the power he needed to bring to bear to make Garlemald regret what they did. For oppressing a people they had planned from the start to set to the flame. Heck, they could even overhear some of the Lalafell's plan then - it would be too late for them anyway. Far, far too late.
That one word threw me. Gogon reads like a very formal thinker throughout the piece. Maybe that's not true in the story at large, but for a piece that's largely about his thought process, this word does not seem like part of his process.
Verad Bellveil's Profile | The Case of the Ransacked Rug | Verad's Fate Sheet
Current Fate-14 Storyline:Â Merchant, Marine
Current Fate-14 Storyline:Â Merchant, Marine
