(04-23-2015, 02:09 PM)Aya Wrote: Its essentially a stream of consciousness, a look in Gogon's mind, and if that's the insight its trying to provide it does a good job of it, but to me it doesn't really hold attention because it lacks a real hook, and contains no description, action, dialogue, or anything like that... its just a stream of thoughts, perception, and attitude. Well written, but it really doesn't seem to go anywhere (although it does go to Revenant's Toll!) I feel a little more aware of Gogon's psychology (but I already had some insight into that from a previous story of yours that I read), but I don't feel enriched. Does that make sense?
I think so. It really is sort of a transitional piece, as Verad said, with the goal of getting Gogon into place at Revenant's Toll for the next scene. I probably should've had at least tried to copy the logs of the IG RP that led to it and included that (either raw or edited into story format) as either its own post before it, or as an explanatory piece to go over what had happened rather than the rather abrupt summary Gogon gave to it...
That might have helped add some more action and dialogue to preface the look into his head. I'll have to keep that in mind for any future IG RP relating to the story...
(04-23-2015, 02:20 PM)Verad Wrote: So the writing style and purpose is fine. My one comment comes from this:
Quote:And, while he was there, he could pick up his last Rouser - the one for his newly obtained Monk Soul Stone. Then he'd have it, all the power he needed to bring to bear to make Garlemald regret what they did. For oppressing a people they had planned from the start to set to the flame. Heck, they could even overhear some of the Lalafell's plan then - it would be too late for them anyway. Far, far too late.
That one word threw me. Gogon reads like a very formal thinker throughout the piece. Maybe that's not true in the story at large, but for a piece that's largely about his thought process, this word does not seem like part of his process.
Ah, I see where you're coming from! And something simple to fix, I think! I can drop the heck and instead put something less flow-breaking, like "in fact" or something. In fact, [sub](teehee)[/sub] I did just that! Would've posted this right afterward but there were... complications at work.
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