A freakish existence, utterly apart from fortune and misfortune, to whom circumstances conspired to craft a mind and body at odds with the world. She's yet to realize this inner nature because to look inward for her is to break. Rather than a personality or a sense of self, she crafted a state of being propelled entirely by a simple desire, burning away all burdens and excess to actualize her one goal. It's not accurate to say she fears introspection; it's more like the state of a modern aircraft, made entirely of aerodynamically unstable surfaces, only kept from flying apart by advanced avionics and technology. The goal moves her and sustains her, so distractions gradually start to feel like threats. She entertains the idea of connecting with others, but ultimately she's apart from them in so many ways that it's likely a futile effort, because she only holds together just so physically, and just so emotionally, but that hair-thin binding is incredibly rigid and brittle. In a sense she's like a zealot of faith, wherein the law of her god defines every aspect of how she perceives the world. Force will define her reason because she was effectively born out of it, and relies upon it to maintain her sentience, or sanity rather. It's sort of like being born with only a concept of moving forward, like a shark which spends its life swimming continuously. If something causes a sensation she has to think dangerously hard about, she obliterates it, or bypasses it, never turning back. To do otherwise would induce a near-catastrophic feeling of self-betrayal, if she could recognize it for what it was anyway.
Emotions are sort of like indistinct fuel, a quantifiable non-physical resource. She 'feels' in various amounts, but doesn't fully distinguish between things such as love and hate except on a conceptual level, because her way of life is defined by ambiguous sentiments she was never trained to parse properly. Likewise, being a thinking person, to her, is a transitional state rather than something you're born with. If she stops doing what she's been doing, 'she' will no longer exist. If she was able to look inward for real, even for a split second, she could realize she has distinct emotions and a true sense of self, like a genuine person, but she truly believes she's already chasing the ideal image of what becoming "human" is, since before her transformation from 'animal' that only behaves instinctively to sentient being, urges defined her life, rather than conscious goals. To become a person rather than an animal, she cannot recognize the subconscious, where the old amoral urges are still rampant, and must focus entirely everything outside of the 'lizard brain,' or she will lose to it and sully everything she's build herself out of up until this point. She has varying success on this front. Her way of life is simple because it must be. She values force and power because she needs to in order to connect with the image of the ideal person she is trying to make herself into. Luckily for her, she can switch off when she does unpleasant things in the pursuit of that ideal.
Of course, she is thinning away the things that make her more than just a unidirectional force pushing unrelentingly towards a final destination, so she's actually achieving the opposite result. At the same time, those who are close to her pile on more distractions that erode that stubborn way of life. It is self evident that she will collapse or explode in one way or another when the force speeds up to its limit, becoming either a twisted wreck or a monster without feeling or reason.
Emotions are sort of like indistinct fuel, a quantifiable non-physical resource. She 'feels' in various amounts, but doesn't fully distinguish between things such as love and hate except on a conceptual level, because her way of life is defined by ambiguous sentiments she was never trained to parse properly. Likewise, being a thinking person, to her, is a transitional state rather than something you're born with. If she stops doing what she's been doing, 'she' will no longer exist. If she was able to look inward for real, even for a split second, she could realize she has distinct emotions and a true sense of self, like a genuine person, but she truly believes she's already chasing the ideal image of what becoming "human" is, since before her transformation from 'animal' that only behaves instinctively to sentient being, urges defined her life, rather than conscious goals. To become a person rather than an animal, she cannot recognize the subconscious, where the old amoral urges are still rampant, and must focus entirely everything outside of the 'lizard brain,' or she will lose to it and sully everything she's build herself out of up until this point. She has varying success on this front. Her way of life is simple because it must be. She values force and power because she needs to in order to connect with the image of the ideal person she is trying to make herself into. Luckily for her, she can switch off when she does unpleasant things in the pursuit of that ideal.
Of course, she is thinning away the things that make her more than just a unidirectional force pushing unrelentingly towards a final destination, so she's actually achieving the opposite result. At the same time, those who are close to her pile on more distractions that erode that stubborn way of life. It is self evident that she will collapse or explode in one way or another when the force speeds up to its limit, becoming either a twisted wreck or a monster without feeling or reason.
ã€Œè’¼æ°—ç ²ã€ã‚’使ã‚ã–ã‚‹ã‚’å¾—ãªã„!
AV by Kura-Ou
Wiki (Last updated 01/16)
My Balmung profile.
AV by Kura-Ou
Wiki (Last updated 01/16)
My Balmung profile.
