One thing I feel compelled to bring to attention is that you mention the word "theme" repeatedly in your post and in your premise document, but your definition of theme and the actual narrative definition of theme is different. I personally understand what you mean, but others may not. What you referred to as a "theme"--the void parasite--is actually a central plot element, something to be shared as a collective antagonist across multiple separate interactions. However, it's not a theme. It doesn't pose a persistent ethical question, challenge a certain idea, or represent an overarching attitude or tone towards a particular subject.
That said, your intention behind this is to make something akin to a Tarantino movie: a series of seemingly isolated events or interactions that contain one shared plot device that gradually weaves together to form a complete, coherent tapestry of a story created from many individual plot threads coming together.
So with that, criticism. The major thing is that your premise is presented quite poorly. It's too long and full of completely unnecessary details that nobody will care about. Let's say hypothetically that I find the central plot element of a hidden void parasite interesting and wanted to start a separate, smaller storyline about discovering one of these parasites, and how me and my companions deal with it.
Well, in your doc, it takes six whole paragraphs of inane events for me as a reader to find any information that would help me start this hypothetical storyline. If all I want to do is utilize your idea of a void parasite as an adventure to eventually connect with others, why do I have to care about this guy Eric? Why should I care at all about how his handmaiden and lover died, or about how he started looking for a cure, or what he and his companions went through?
Trim the fat. Cut the fluff down to need-to-know information, and remove everything else.
Summary: A man, Eric, is infected with a void parasite. He begins to travel through Eorzea looking for a cure. Along the way, he passes black stones that seem harmless but are actually fragments of the parasite he was infected with and threaten all living things in Eorzea by taking over their minds and turning them into deformed voidsent. The origins of the parasite are unknown and if left unchecked could cause untold disaster.
There. Four sentences. It presents where the CPE came from, how it spread, why it is a danger that should be dealt with by multiple people, and that it is something to be investigated.
I quite frankly couldn't give a single toss of how Eric lost his lover or how he sneaked out of Garlemald or who his friends are or what they did to save him because that information will never, ever be relevant to my own (hypothetical) story of me and my friends venturing forth to deal with this parasite before it spreads, nor will that information ever affect how my characters interact with other characters who may be investigating or pursuing the same things.
The other thing is that while good on paper, actually executing this idea and carrying it out is a huge invitation for burnout and a classic example of biting off way more than you can chew. The premise you have presented has heavily suggested a very linear progression of events. There's very few avenues within the separate plots that you presented that allow for player input or creativity. Even if it is ostensibly a nonlinear plot thread, all of these interconnected plot threads will require a central authority. By all means, if you're fully confident that you can juggle multiple interactions like this and have them connect seamlessly, then go for it. Just be careful to make sure that the story does not fully rely on your presence to coordinate the events.
To put it in an analogy: something like this works best when you make your own toys and give them to other people to play with however they want, so long as they don't break said toy. Occasionally you'll bring the toys together or swap them out and people will play with said toys together. Any attempt to govern how the toys are played with or who plays with what toy will end in disaster and failure with something as large as this.
It's a neat idea, but it could use a lot of work in how its structured.
That said, your intention behind this is to make something akin to a Tarantino movie: a series of seemingly isolated events or interactions that contain one shared plot device that gradually weaves together to form a complete, coherent tapestry of a story created from many individual plot threads coming together.
So with that, criticism. The major thing is that your premise is presented quite poorly. It's too long and full of completely unnecessary details that nobody will care about. Let's say hypothetically that I find the central plot element of a hidden void parasite interesting and wanted to start a separate, smaller storyline about discovering one of these parasites, and how me and my companions deal with it.
Well, in your doc, it takes six whole paragraphs of inane events for me as a reader to find any information that would help me start this hypothetical storyline. If all I want to do is utilize your idea of a void parasite as an adventure to eventually connect with others, why do I have to care about this guy Eric? Why should I care at all about how his handmaiden and lover died, or about how he started looking for a cure, or what he and his companions went through?
Trim the fat. Cut the fluff down to need-to-know information, and remove everything else.
Summary: A man, Eric, is infected with a void parasite. He begins to travel through Eorzea looking for a cure. Along the way, he passes black stones that seem harmless but are actually fragments of the parasite he was infected with and threaten all living things in Eorzea by taking over their minds and turning them into deformed voidsent. The origins of the parasite are unknown and if left unchecked could cause untold disaster.
There. Four sentences. It presents where the CPE came from, how it spread, why it is a danger that should be dealt with by multiple people, and that it is something to be investigated.
I quite frankly couldn't give a single toss of how Eric lost his lover or how he sneaked out of Garlemald or who his friends are or what they did to save him because that information will never, ever be relevant to my own (hypothetical) story of me and my friends venturing forth to deal with this parasite before it spreads, nor will that information ever affect how my characters interact with other characters who may be investigating or pursuing the same things.
The other thing is that while good on paper, actually executing this idea and carrying it out is a huge invitation for burnout and a classic example of biting off way more than you can chew. The premise you have presented has heavily suggested a very linear progression of events. There's very few avenues within the separate plots that you presented that allow for player input or creativity. Even if it is ostensibly a nonlinear plot thread, all of these interconnected plot threads will require a central authority. By all means, if you're fully confident that you can juggle multiple interactions like this and have them connect seamlessly, then go for it. Just be careful to make sure that the story does not fully rely on your presence to coordinate the events.
To put it in an analogy: something like this works best when you make your own toys and give them to other people to play with however they want, so long as they don't break said toy. Occasionally you'll bring the toys together or swap them out and people will play with said toys together. Any attempt to govern how the toys are played with or who plays with what toy will end in disaster and failure with something as large as this.
It's a neat idea, but it could use a lot of work in how its structured.
