Entry 9 - Delusions of Failure:
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When you find yourself alone for long periods of time, your mind will wander and think of things you wish were left alone. The thought that has dawned on me the most, and always will, is the thought and fear of failure. All my life Within two lifetimes, I have always lived for other. I just wanted them to be happy and be able to live their lives without a worry in the world. For some, I have lived up to those expectations. Waylon is a happy man, Mamiko is safe and making a name for herself, and Danny, that pirate kid, has a stable job on the Docks and is under full protection of the Maelstrom.
Alas, they are only the minority. I once chased a man of the void itself and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I left him behind, I failed him and that is something that will never leave me. With Tray'ju now in my life, I begin to question what exactly he is getting himself into. How far will he go until I'm sent chasing again? I don't wish to find out, I don't wish to fail him. I've cared about a lot of people and failed almost all of them, I don't want him to be one of them.
Thus, I shall follow him because I believe in him, I am loyal, and because I don't want him to become lost with the burdens of his problems. I just want this to go right, no matter what bumpy roads may lie ahead.
Even as the fear of failure claws at the back of my mind, I will continue forth and make sure I don't make the same mistakes I did before. I've learned to care about this man and will protect him in any way I can. That is what a friend does and should do.
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As I come back to this paper, another thought has dawned on me. What of Nahare and now Hojo? The two people I left behind have somehow manage to spring themselves back in, and I haven't even seen Hojo! I should've known it would've been only a matter of time, for Tray is a criminal and Hojo the hunter. If there is anything I remember about that man, it's that he won't stop until the job is done and no other payments can change his mind. Before I went.....missing....there was a point in time where I didn't see him, I always wondered what happened to him. Perhaps, if there is any chance at all, I can figure that out. However, the chances are slim, for I am now no better than Tray and will only be seen as a target. Even if I still was the woman i once was, I don't think Hojo would show any mercy.
Then there is Nahare. It didn't take the woman long to find that scent and ever since I've made damn sure not a single miqo'te will pick up that scent. I left her confused and angered and now, she points the barrel at me. Because of my decisions, I never see us forming any sort of friendship or even alliance for that matter. Does that mean I failed her too? Are some of her pains because of me? I don't have any answers and every time I think of the worse, I take on swig from the glass and hope I can just forget the thought entirely. Unfortunately, it is only a temporary fix. If the mind so desperately wants you to remember something, then not even alcohol will make it go away.
All I wanted to do was to keep Kanako from being a burden to them, to put an end to the sorrow she would inevitably bring them. But isn't that what I am doing now? I'm making Nahare unhappy and confused. She points a gun at me and I can see it in her eyes, once I give her that one reason, she won't hesitate to pull the trigger and send me down to my knees.
I am left to face the realities of my choices and just like before, I don't like it. I'll make it through, I'll learn to accept the facts, for there is no turning back now.
I must accept it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When you find yourself alone for long periods of time, your mind will wander and think of things you wish were left alone. The thought that has dawned on me the most, and always will, is the thought and fear of failure. All my life Within two lifetimes, I have always lived for other. I just wanted them to be happy and be able to live their lives without a worry in the world. For some, I have lived up to those expectations. Waylon is a happy man, Mamiko is safe and making a name for herself, and Danny, that pirate kid, has a stable job on the Docks and is under full protection of the Maelstrom.
Alas, they are only the minority. I once chased a man of the void itself and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I left him behind, I failed him and that is something that will never leave me. With Tray'ju now in my life, I begin to question what exactly he is getting himself into. How far will he go until I'm sent chasing again? I don't wish to find out, I don't wish to fail him. I've cared about a lot of people and failed almost all of them, I don't want him to be one of them.
Thus, I shall follow him because I believe in him, I am loyal, and because I don't want him to become lost with the burdens of his problems. I just want this to go right, no matter what bumpy roads may lie ahead.
Even as the fear of failure claws at the back of my mind, I will continue forth and make sure I don't make the same mistakes I did before. I've learned to care about this man and will protect him in any way I can. That is what a friend does and should do.
- - - - -
As I come back to this paper, another thought has dawned on me. What of Nahare and now Hojo? The two people I left behind have somehow manage to spring themselves back in, and I haven't even seen Hojo! I should've known it would've been only a matter of time, for Tray is a criminal and Hojo the hunter. If there is anything I remember about that man, it's that he won't stop until the job is done and no other payments can change his mind. Before I went.....missing....there was a point in time where I didn't see him, I always wondered what happened to him. Perhaps, if there is any chance at all, I can figure that out. However, the chances are slim, for I am now no better than Tray and will only be seen as a target. Even if I still was the woman i once was, I don't think Hojo would show any mercy.
Then there is Nahare. It didn't take the woman long to find that scent and ever since I've made damn sure not a single miqo'te will pick up that scent. I left her confused and angered and now, she points the barrel at me. Because of my decisions, I never see us forming any sort of friendship or even alliance for that matter. Does that mean I failed her too? Are some of her pains because of me? I don't have any answers and every time I think of the worse, I take on swig from the glass and hope I can just forget the thought entirely. Unfortunately, it is only a temporary fix. If the mind so desperately wants you to remember something, then not even alcohol will make it go away.
All I wanted to do was to keep Kanako from being a burden to them, to put an end to the sorrow she would inevitably bring them. But isn't that what I am doing now? I'm making Nahare unhappy and confused. She points a gun at me and I can see it in her eyes, once I give her that one reason, she won't hesitate to pull the trigger and send me down to my knees.
I am left to face the realities of my choices and just like before, I don't like it. I'll make it through, I'll learn to accept the facts, for there is no turning back now.
I must accept it.
![[Image: LeN1WVo.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/LeN1WVo.jpg)
