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***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:55 AM**

The scales have tipped, and it is not just my life that hangs in the balance, but those that I love as well. I need to find my center, need to tune out the voices, quiet the stormâ€¦.and in order to do that, I must be alone.

It is my second sun at the Fane, struggling to find the quiet that they speak of. Since before, the elementals have forsaken my need to heal, so I cannot call upon them to heal my spirit. I do not have that power, nor do they have the power to heal what it is that is wrong with my spirit.

I remember trying to meditate when I was with Oskar, but found myself running away from my own thoughts and feelings. Now, forced to be with them for an extended period of time, forced to deal with thoughts and feelings Iâ€™d been having and putting them downâ€¦it is quite the experience.

Here is what I do know. I am better off on my own, as much as I need people. As much as I want to be with people. The voices donâ€™t make exceptions for lovers or friends. They donâ€™t make exceptions for me. The Twelve only knows what I will need to do to make them stop in the end. But only by finding my center can I quiet them. And that I must do alone.

I know that I will not be alone forever. Perhaps someday, I will come back to the place I was before. Return to that person, those people, that house, that life. I know that sooner rather than later, I will need the help of the people with whom I got placed in this situation. Eric will have to guide me on this path, when the time comes. Hopefully he will be willing to help.

Until then, I will bide my time, learning and resting. The trees have always been my solace. My heart feels more at ease here in the Twelveswood. It is good to be where I started. Perhaps this will finally be the time and the place for my starting over.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:56 AM**

Today was fairly uneventful. Spent some time in the Quicksand observing and writing in my book. A nice Lala Fellow by the name of Rev stopped by, and we had a lovely chat. After that, I was called away to the Company House, needing to do some small work.

When I finally checked the mail, however, I wasâ€¦surprised.

The night before, when I was spending time in the Quicksand, I met a lovely gentleman by the name of Khale. Twelve, we spent a good few bells talking about everything and nothing. Lily came by and joined us, and I even ran into Lavena, whom I havenâ€™t seen since she was a fledgling gladiator.

Anyroad, when I opened the mailbox, there was a letter wishing me a Happy Valentioneâ€™s. And a rose. I had forgotten all about Valentioneâ€™sâ€¦

I have to admit, I blushed. It has been such a long time since such a small gesture made me do that. Khale is a nice man indeed. Perhaps I should give him a call on that linkpearl soon.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:56 AM**

In memories she lies
Her pristine beauty
Unmarred by time
Or rot
Or Death.

His fingers have not touched her
She still laughs
Her voice still rings
And sings
And loves.

Iâ€™ve tried to meet her
On many a road.
My time has not come

And still I see her
When I sleep
Hear her
In hushed whispers
Smell her scent
On the desert breeze.

She still lives on.
Still resides here in my heart.
I will carry her with me.
Until the day I die.

-In memory of Ady. I know not what you feelâ€¦butâ€¦I imagine it is something like this. Â I am sorry, Khale. I did not know.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:56 AM**

Breathe. Slow it down. Donâ€™t rush things. Donâ€™t ruin them. Itâ€™s so easy to get caught up in the moment, swept away on the tide of emotion. Itâ€™s so good to feel again.
But I wasnâ€™t looking this time. It wasnâ€™t a thought I had or anything. It was idle conversation. That spark of curiosity that runs through my veins. The need to talk and learn about other people.
Itâ€™s not my fault it was interesting conversation. Easy. I didnâ€™t have to struggle to find things to say. There was always something new to prod at. To poke at. To tease. It flowed like water upon the rocks, sometimes a gradual tide, and other times forceful like a wave.
The past few days have been like that. Still easy. And yet filled with a tentative excitement just beyond the edge of reason. That spark. A flash of promise.
Twelve, if I get caught up, remind me to breathe.
This is why Lily wants to chaperone all the time. Sometimes I donâ€™t blame her.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:57 AM**

Twelve, I was worried yesterday. I was having a lovely cup of tea with Khale, and we were teasing each other, as was our wont. I decided to be sneaky and attempted to tickle him with a brush of cold air. Nothing too much, just a tickle.
I suppose I set him off, reminding him of what happened with Ady. The look on his face was enough to tell me that I had gone too farâ€¦.and he walked off.
Iâ€™m glad I managed to get him to come back and talk to me. Although I suppose we didnâ€™t do too much talking. It was fine just touching him enough to show that I understood, I suppose. Sometimes actions speak so much louder than words.

He does not expect me to know it all. My initial reaction was to curl in on myself, say Iâ€™m sorry a million ways in hopes of patching the damage wrought. Iâ€™m so used to the fault being mine, that I almost didnâ€™t stop to think for once it might have been okay.
He, however, apologized to me. It honestly caught me off guard. I canâ€™t remember the last time that I had someone apologize to me like that and mean it.Â

It was okay, however. We worked through it. It will not be the last time something like this will happen. I will not dwell on the inevitability of things such as this, but I will write this to serve as a reminder that when it does happen, that things will be okay. It is something we can work on together.

Twelve, am I fond of him.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:57 AM**

What am I doing?
Perhaps it was talking about why I left in the first place. Not because I saw it as a bad relationship, but because I didnâ€™t want to saddle anyone with the voices, the dreams, my instability. That was my real reasonâ€¦so why do I feel like I should have this? What makes this any different?
Iâ€™m being selfish, thinking that this relationship will last. It is wrong of me to wish to have someone like himâ€¦knowing that my hold on the voices could slip any momentâ€¦knowing that Iâ€™m a target for the Ascians now that they can sense me.
The dreams havenâ€™t stopped. Itâ€™s how I know itâ€™s not over. But when Iâ€™m with him for a little while, I forgetâ€¦
Perhaps it is the same as what he went through. Perhaps there were nights he woke up dreaming about the pale touch of death on his skin, lives flashing before his eyes in a desperate attempt to claw at the surface of light.
I was not wrong when I told him that I wasnâ€™t the light. I am the waves, clutching the shore, searching for purchase. And the rock, though it may enjoy the feel of the water, is ever worn down by the kiss of the ocean. Through salt, through endless embrace. The rock cannot stand in a sea.
Twelve, but I want to envelop him whole, let the waters surge up. But that would be a death sentence. And though he wanted that once, it is not for me to give him. I would not have him drown because of me.
Menphina, guide my steps. Tell me what I should do. Am I being stupid? Is it me talking, or the voices once more?Â
Twelveâ€¦help me.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:57 AM**

It parts the waters
Sending her waves crashing down
The tempest swarm
Quelled easily
Simple supplication
Singing songs to the Sirens.
Her mercy lies in
Carrying you away
The swiftest deaths
Are often ones most pleasant.
La petit mort.
The beautiful death.
Waves upon waves
The shoreline meets the sea.
His hardened presence
Seeking to calm her fury.
And so we crash.
And so I drown.
And so we go.
You are my tidal lord.
And I the nymph.
Before long
We will have lost control.
So let the waves rise up.
Let the tsunami fall.
In the wonderful
The water
The blue of your
Cerulean oceans.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:57 AM**

[The writing on the next few pages is scattered, seemingly written over a couple of suns. Handwriting has changed. Inks have changed, and thereâ€™s no real cohesive through to all of them.They seem to be just notes for Alothia]

Remember to get the list of herbs from Khale. Donâ€™t forget to visit Nakoâ€™li on Friday. Bar night.

Try out that thing you overheard those girls in the mineral concern talking about. Might make things interesting?

Check up on Lyse. Make sure things are okay.

Try to get Lily to open up some. Sheâ€™s a good friend. Let her know that.

Donâ€™t let Kâ€™ajia kick Khale in the balls anymore. If she does, kiss them and make them better.

Uâ€™anzu is a nice gentleman. Remember to say hello next time you see him.

Makyn needs to lean to read. Try to get a hold of Kailee or someone at the Viylbrand Academy.

Apparently having dresses is a money making thing? Some woman at the date auction was talking about her wardrobe as a selling point.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:58 AM**

I swear to the Twelve, if I see Seth Sethan again, his balls are mine.

Iâ€™ll attempt to recap what has happened, because I think it needs to be written down.

I returned home from running some errands, and I happened to go into my room. I heard voices, so I searched the houseâ€¦no one was anywhere. I went back into my room.

Apparently, that was where the voices were coming from.

And there, in the nude, was Seth Sethan, the fucking magician, and some fucking cunt of a woman. In. My. Tub.

You donâ€™t fuck with my tub.

I donâ€™t think he was scared at all. And she definitely wasnâ€™t. She had the GALL to use my towel in front of me. In. Front. Of. Me.

I donâ€™t know if this writing can contain all of the rage that I currently feel. Iâ€™ve alerted the Flames. I will be alerting the Braves and the Sultansworn and anyone else who is listening. But in the end, if it comes down to it, justice will be served from my own hand.

Heâ€™d better watch his back, is all I have to say. And watch it well.

Although I wouldnâ€™t want Khale to be angry. Twelve. I just feelâ€¦violated. Sleep has been difficult as it is. Now, knowing that someone managed to get into my personal spaceâ€¦itâ€™s even worse. I am glad to have Khale near me. At least that is some comfort.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:58 AM**

Journal, am I allowed to gush here a little bit?

Not that you can tell me otherwise, but I think Iâ€™m going to.

The past two weeks have been some of the happiest in my entire life. Things have been peaceful, aside from Seth in my bathtub. Iâ€™ve spent some time with Lily and Kâ€™ajia and Tayn and Lyse. I managed to meet some interesting people in the Quicksand. I went to bar night at the YTC. I found an unexpected love.

It makes me wonder what it is that Nymeia has in store for me. Which way shall her web weave? Will she keep me under Menphinaâ€™s favor, allowing me to keep my guard down and my heart on my sleeve? Or will fortune turn for the worse, like it always does? I do not want to think on it.

Instead, Iâ€™d like to languish in Khaleâ€™s arms. Iâ€™d like to tease Lily and make her give me The Look. Iâ€™d like to rile up Kâ€™ajia, although Iâ€™d also like to keep her from kicking anyone in the nuts. I want to continue to play the â€œevery third word is ballsâ€ game with Tayn on the linkpearl.

For once, things are relatively simple.

Twelve, hear my prayers. Let me enjoy it just a little while longer.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:58 AM**

In my dreams he stands there, looking at me with pity in his eyes.

"How could you have been so stupid," he says, his hand lifting to cup my chin. "No one could ever love you." His lip curls in a sneer, and the blue of his eyes turn stormy, a dark Iâ€™d never seen there before hovering just below the surface. Eyes I once wanted to drown in now causing me to falter, gasping for air.
"You have pretty words, Alothia, but they do not conceal this." His finger drives into my chest, poking right above my heart. "It is black, black as pitch. Black as the void. You really are stupid." Instead of his finger, now, it is his whole hand, plunged into the depth of my chest, wrenching out my heart with a grin.
I stand and watch, horrified, and as I slump to the ground, the only thing I see is his back as he walks away, tossing the blackened organ on the ground.

I sputter awake, staring into the darkness. I lie still so as not to wake him, ruminating on the haunting vision. I know he sleeps lightly. I know he does not know. How can I tell him?

And what is this? Portents of things to come? Or is it simply the Voices once more?

Death. The Hanged Man Reversed. The Heirophant. Perhaps they do not signal what happened before. Perhaps they shadow what will happen. If it is soâ€¦I donâ€™t know what Iâ€™d do. Menphinaâ€¦protect me.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:59 AM**

You never really know what full acceptance feels like until you get it. I think that I had never been more surprised than that momentâ€¦when his love hit me like a runaway chocobo. I almost lost it right there at the little restaurant, in front of everyoneâ€¦assuming that there were other people there. I donâ€™t even know if I noticed anyone else. In that moment, it was just the two of us.

Let me backtrack a bit. Khale invited me out to meet him in the shop of a merchant on Sapphire Avenue. He was investigating the avis poisoning, and he went there looking for answers. When I walked in, there were a feww Brass Blades littering the floor, and Khale held the man in the air by his throat. Without thinking, I threw the man against the wall and bound him there with Air while we discussed what to do.

The rest of what happened is between he and I. Needless to say, we got the information out of the man. And I ensured he wouldnâ€™t go telling anyone else about what happened there.

In the moment, I didnâ€™t think anything of it, but when we left the shop and I thought about the things that I had been through with other people. I remember when I killed Joshua, and the look that Para gave me afterward, like I was going to turn and kill him next. I suppose that always stuck with me.

But Khale didnâ€™t harden his gaze or look at me as if I were going to hurt him. Instead, he accepted that part of me. The part that is cold and distant from the task at hand. I am what I am when the world causes me to be that. And while I have acceptance from people like Lily, it has been so long since someone has loved me in the face of that. In spite of, or maybe because of the fact that that is who I am.

I am who I am, nothing more and nothing less. Thank you for loving me.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:59 AM**

Tomorrow, the 13th, I will have known Khale for one moon.

I have plans for a small gift for himâ€¦I donâ€™t know whether or not he will like it, yet I have put thought into it. Â I was thinking I might write him a poem.

Twelve, it always comes easier when Iâ€™m not thinking about it.

***Alothia*** · **03-13-2015, 12:25 PM**

Dear Khale,
Putting my thoughts down on paper seem a lot more difficult when youâ€™re not right in front of me. When itâ€™s just the two of us, I suppose that itâ€™s very easy for me to say all of the things that Iâ€™m feeling. Either way, I will try my best.
For the past moon, you have been the center of my world. When I wake in the morning, I think of you. When I go to sleep, you are with me. I donâ€™t know when it became my normal to have you by my side. It happened slowly and then all at once. One sun we were simply talking in the Quicksand. The next, I couldnâ€™t shake the feeling of your fingers through my hair or your scent. Then, you became a permanent fixture in my life. Even if youâ€™re not physically with me, I carry you in my heart wherever I go. I donâ€™t fear our absences, wondering where you are or whom youâ€™re with. It is an easy absence, for I know that I will see you soon.
I donâ€™t think I told you how much that evening in Limsa meant to me. When you looked at me, I felt exposed. At that point, you knew more about me than most people do in a turn. And yet you didnâ€™t turn away. For someone who often feels uneasy as much as I do, it struck me. It was more intimate than any physical touch we shared. Okay, maybe not, but stillâ€¦
Â Itâ€™s funny, every significant moment has happened around and because of water. We met because I brought you a glass. When you told me you loved me, it was after the water glass incident, and in the city of water. Even Nymeia, who spun our lives together, encompasses the water. And Menphina, the Lover, binds the water together into solid ice. Maybe Iâ€™m just searching, but it cannot be coincidence.
I love you, Khale. Let these gifts remind you of that. Let my presence remind you of that.Â
Thank you for a wonderful moon, my heart. I look forward to the path we walk together.
~Alothia

***Alothia*** · **03-17-2015, 12:05 AM**

I donâ€™t know what to think right now. Iâ€™m sitting here out on the hill in Thanalan, overlooking Fescaâ€™s Wash. Iâ€™m lost in the sounds of steel against steel, remembering the past few trips here. The first one, we were over by the tree, just the two of us. I never would have saw it coming. I still think about it and donâ€™t think I saw it coming until it happened.
The last time I was here, there was that woman, claiming that I was a whore. I wanted to burn her up where she stood, but more than that, I was worried that you would hear her and think her words true. That was scarier to me than most other things.
And now Iâ€™m here, and youâ€™re out saving people, and Iâ€™m here killing time. Writing the first few words on the pages that you gave me. I should throw the book away, the old one. But there are some things in there Iâ€™d like to keep. The memory of when we met. My inane thoughts. The poem.Â
I suppose it is a relic of what I was or what I grew from. But a fresh page is a new beginning.
Iâ€™ve been turning the ring over and over on my finger all day. Its significance isnâ€™t lost on me. Iâ€™m still in shock over what happened. Itâ€™s a good shock, however. I never once, in a million turns, thought that this would happen again. Not so soon, and not like this.
Am I glad of it? Yes. Am I scared? Of course. Who wouldnâ€™t be? Scared and excited. Ready. Definitely. Ready.

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Menphina's Keeper [Journal]

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes