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Zhavi · **12-02-2014, 04:12 PM**

(12-02-2014, 03:49 PM)Melodia Wrote: ^ This. Especially that second sentence. If I am trying and making every effort but continue to get walls or silence, I can't help but take that as a giant middle finger to me.

Sometimes it's good to take a step back. Some people are like me, and you know that sometimes I don't respond -- either I'm overwhelmed with something else going on, or I'm afk, or I just didn't see the alert/message/whatever. If it happens persistently and you've tried alternate means of contact then yeah, I totally get the 'oh, huh, guess they don't really look at me the same way I do them' -- and that does hurt.

Buuut y'know. Give the benefit of the doubt first. And then try to talk. Sometimes all it takes is a 'hey, is everything okay?' or a 'I noticed ____, wanna talk about it?' to get things moving. I have misunderstandings with people too, and generally (there are exceptions) all it takes is that initial probe to check in to settle things out. Just make sure you don't put pressure on them and come at it with a positive attitude; if someone is already feeling negative in some way or overwhelmed or stressed or whatever and they get a feeling like you're upset with them, the last thing they're gonna wanna do is talk.

Cuz I mean, hell, I had a very close friend who I roomed with awhile back tell me I was too needy right after all the shit imploded in my personal life. Talk about a big ouch! I had to step back, assess how I was acting, not talk to him for a day or two, and then go back in and talk about it. Things are back to being cool, and, y'know, I was relying on him for more support then I should have, considering the dynamic between us (normally I go to my very close girlfriends for that kinda stuff, but they were dealing with crap of their own and I didn't want to overload them >>).

Everyone is different, everyone reacts to social situations and cues differently. Sometimes all it takes is taking a step back and re-assessing, going in for a neutral conversation, and building back up. Other times you just gotta accept that the individual(s) in question just isn't interested in the same sort of social interaction you are -- that or the communication styles are too different. I'm not that great of a conversationalist, so I don't usually start conversations. When I have something to say, I say it. Otherwise I'm pretty quiet.

Kellach Woods · **12-02-2014, 04:18 PM**

Not saying I don't give the benefit of the doubt. Just that the benefit runs out FAST. It's something I need to work on, but it doesn't help when you just don't know that many people. If you can fall back on others or other stuff, then the blow stings a whole lot less.

I'm also not used to having more than one person I can rely on for shit, and even that is... not something I'm used to. At all.

EDIT : For future reference, you can't receive tells in a duty Big Grin

Coatleque · **12-02-2014, 04:20 PM**

For my part, I am typically a quiet person. My friends list is 99% people who added me first. And I rarely send people tells unless it's to clarify something from RP. Doesn't mean I don't like people. I'm just not one who engages others.

Telluride · **12-02-2014, 04:23 PM**

(12-02-2014, 03:31 PM)Melodia Wrote: But because I take it personally, I get this fragile mentality and it //does// affect my rp as I get leary of approaching new people. Saying hello IC to a stranger? EEEP!! *runs*

That *seems* like one of the hardest things in the world, doesn't it? Going up to another character, and making contact, taking a chance, starting something?

It does seem hard. Step into the Quicksand, and what do we too often see? People lined up along the railing, like spectators at a play. Remember that - like spectators, i.e. people who have not come to participate, but simply to watch. If that's all you want, is to watch, then all is fine. However, I share a joke with a few other RP contacts of mine that nobody in the Quicksand gets as much play as the rail, that sexy rail, the target of hands, buttocks, hips, and sometimes feet (you crouching Miqo'te men).

But just as speech teachers often say to think of your listeners as being naked, think that most, of not all, of the people hanging at the Quicksand are there because they want to see RP. They crave it, they desire it... but that dread too often stifles the first move.

But I say, go recite the Litany Against Fear, and jump in!

I've even made it a game with a few people, from time to time, for me to go to the Quicksand, pick any random toon, and go engage said toon, with the rule that whoever is with me MUST support whatever narrative I use to start something up, even if it's silly. I don't mind helping people meet, but I may demand my tribute if I am thus used Wink

In all seriousness, though, the majority of long-term, well-developed RP I have ever had started with me approaching someone, or being approached, apparently at random in an open RP setting. It CAN and DOES happen. Believe it. Because too often, we're too busy being intimidated to simply walk up, slap that armored rum... er, sorry, was projecting.

Give that other RPer the chance and the approach that YOU would want, and just DO it. They won't all be winning combinations, but even the weird ones can be very entertaining.

And if you ever see Nathan at the Quicksand, ask him to share a glass of Madjack Red.

Kage · **12-02-2014, 04:26 PM**

(12-02-2014, 04:12 PM)Zhavi Wrote: or the communication styles are too different. Â I'm not that great of a conversationalist, so I don't usually start conversations. Â When I have something to say, I say it. Â Otherwise I'm pretty quiet.

I'm a horrible conversationalist. I don't speak unless I have something to say or I have a train of thought. otherwise I'm pretty silent. People get mad at me because it sounds like I'm ignoring them but in reality I'm either doing something that I don't know how to multitask the two things or I'm just listening and I don't have something to say.

In reality most of my interactions with people are almost "reactive" in nature.

Zhavi · **12-02-2014, 04:28 PM**

(12-02-2014, 04:18 PM)Kellach Woods Wrote: Not saying I don't give the benefit of the doubt. Just that the benefit runs out FAST. It's something I need to work on, but it doesn't help when you just don't know that many people. If you can fall back on others or other stuff, then the blow stings a whole lot less.

I'm also not used to having more than one person I can rely on for shit, and even that is... not something I'm used to. At all.

That's why, to me, it's the first step. If it keeps happening, more than a few times, then you go for the alternate method of contact and the 'hey, I noticed ___ and I was wondering ___.' Too often, in my experience, people will sort of try to sidestep what they actually want to say, and the recipient either doesn't understand what you're getting at or understands it differently from the way you meant it. Being clear is important. Downside is that yeah, you do face the potential for equally clear rejection (or, imo, what's worse: the recipient doesn't know how to respond and so just...doesn't).

Take baby steps. If you invest a lot of emotion in a lot of new people, it's going to be a lot more draining and stressful when miscommunication and/or other issues crop up. People are people -- ain't none of us perfect, and the acquaintance you thought was one way might wind up to be another way, and suddenly you don't match as well any more. That's why, to me, it makes a lot more sense to work up slowly if you're easily hurt or tend to invest a lot of yourself into one person.

But, like you said, it does suck much more if you're isolated to begin with. There aren't any words that will ease that sting -- but do remember social rejection is something everyone faces down. Keep trying. Eventually you'll find some gems in the pile of rocks. Smile

...and to reiterate, communication is super duper important. Unless they are ignoring you across multiple means of communication, don't give up after a few times. Especially when it comes to in game stuff -- back when I was an officer for a raiding guild I can't tell you how many times I'd miss whispers from potential recruits due to being caught up in guild stuff, planning stuff, or zoning out farming -- only to have them leave a post on our main recruitment thread that I didn't respond. >< It does happen!

Oli! · **12-02-2014, 05:09 PM**

I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet or not, but one thing that might be worth keeping in mind is that sometimes people are friendly because they're shopping around for a person or a group of people that they want to interact with every day. Once they find what they're looking for, they generally invest their time and conversation in those people, and the rest sort-of fall by the wayside.

I know the concept of "friend shopping" might seem like a really awful thing at first glance, but one must understand that people will naturally gravitate to others that have interests and opinions that they can agree with or take part in. It's not that you're a "bad" person and that whomever they've found are "better" people, it's just that they happen to be more suited for that particular person's personal taste, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself.

I am sure that, given time, you would be more than likely to find people who are willing to stick with you due to commonalities.

Blue · **12-02-2014, 05:16 PM**

I have noticed by watching conversations between people meeting for the first time, that unless they have a "bridge-friend" to introduce them to each other, they will generally always be super friendly and over-complimenting, which is... well, at least here in Italy, not quite how RL works. My main guess is that it's all OOC-leaking. People want people to RP with, and to make sure to make themselves interesting to each other they will usually try to be appealing and flattering in as many ways as possible.

I have a couple anti-social characters (one of which extremely sexist and sly) and I RP them fully even with strangers. The result is that 99% of times the strangers will walk away from them and not return, so in a way I understand why people prefer to first be super-friendly to strangers, and then reveal their colder/ruder/truer side only later, when they'll think they're acquainted enough with the new RPer to be their IC-selves and not chase him/her off.

Zhavi · **12-02-2014, 05:25 PM**

(12-02-2014, 04:23 PM)Telluride Wrote: In all seriousness, though, the majority of long-term, well-developed RP I have ever had started with me approaching someone, or being approached, apparently at random in an open RP setting. It CAN and DOES happen. Believe it. Because too often, we're too busy being intimidated to simply walk up, slap that armored rum... er, sorry, was projecting.

Yeah. I have never had someone approach me for rp -- not unless they already knew me. The closest was when I pmed Raz for the first time; he told me he'd intended to message me but I'd beaten him to the punch. Big Grin

(12-02-2014, 05:16 PM)Blue Wrote: I have a couple anti-social characters (one of which extremely sexist and sly) and I RP them fully even with strangers. The result is that 99% of times the strangers will walk away from them and not return, so in a way I understand why people prefer to first be super-friendly to strangers, and then reveal their colder/ruder/truer side only later, when they'll think they're acquainted enough with the new RPer to be their IC-selves and not chase him/her off.

Yeah, and that's the reason for why I generally reach out oocly first -- Zhi tends to be not very nice, and I always want to make sure people know that's the character, and definitely not me.

edit- fuck, I forgot. Coat actually did ask me to rp as part of her arc with Ruru and Ruru's brother! That counts; I'd never rped with her before. :3

Hyakki · **12-02-2014, 06:22 PM**

I'm in the same boat as Melodia, I'm lonely. I don't have any friends IRL, my family lives in another state, I hardly see my SO because of work (may as well be mysterious roomate), due to my son's school schedule I can't work, go to school or volunteer. FFXIV is my only source of social interaction and to have the people I thought I bonded with vanish on me time and time again is discouraging and depressing.

People offer their company but I would want to get to know them first, which takes a lot of time for me. Its difficult for me to open up to people. I've been burned by friends in the past (recent past at that) so I keep my distance and wait to see how things might go but I think keep them at too great of a distance and they run out of patience and think I don't like them much. Its not that I don't like them, but I don't know how to deal with people any more. I want friends but I'm afraid of being hurt .__.

(12-02-2014, 05:09 PM)Oli! Wrote: I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet or not, but one thing that might be worth keeping in mind is that sometimes people are friendly because they're shopping around for a person or a group of people that they want to interact with every day. Once they find what they're looking for, they generally invest their time and conversation in those people, and the rest sort-of fall by the wayside.

I know the concept of "friend shopping" might seem like a really awful thing at first glance, but one must understand that people will naturally gravitate to others that have interests and opinions that they can agree with or take part in. It's not that you're a "bad" person and that whomever they've found are "better" people, it's just that they happen to be more suited for that particular person's personal taste, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself.

I am sure that, given time, you would be more than likely to find people who are willing to stick with you due to commonalities.

I've been here since beta and still haven't found that best friend that I can do everything PvE with and be an inseparable duo in RP. When I think I finally have... they vanish! I want it badly and I envy those that do have such a bond Sad

Oli! · **12-02-2014, 08:49 PM**

What if we made a Super Happy Friend-Finding Thread?

Oscare · **12-02-2014, 09:12 PM**

I also find myself to be a very large introvert. Not one to be engaging unless it has to do with RP/event/ideas. If I'm not approached, I will more than likely not approach. I grew up my entire life in pure neglect and solitude. It's a nasty habit!

Eve Malusion · **12-03-2014, 04:58 AM**

I find myself guilty of things like this unintentionally a lot. I have a very poor concept of time on a large scale, and problems with ADD. I sometimes get distracted for up to weeks without talking to my friends, then just come around thinking its only been a day or two at most and they ask where I've been all this time. Also I just kind of... forget the friend list exists in this game. Because it loads up names slowly I usually find it a hassle to check regularly, so I keep very poor track of when people I only have on there are around.

In that regard if anyone sees this post and feels I've treated them that way, it's really not intentional. I'm just not a very well functioning person. Heck, me doing it extends to real life. I went two months without speaking to another human being in person earlier this year.

Melodia · **12-08-2014, 11:15 AM**

Well....it was a long weekend and one where I was sick a lot, but last night and this morning, after some long talks with the small handful of very close friends in game I have, I made the decision to cut a lot of names from my list. Some I hadn't talked in so long I couldn't remember who they were. Others, who'd blatantly been dishonest with me, and others who were a bit more....well I could just tell our personalities weren't going to work well.

And it was cathartic.

In the end my friend listÂ while still a little long,Â it'sÂ cut wayyy down. And it's healthier, like me irl. And I'm much happier with the names still there. Because those folks....they are the ones who do the little things, shoot a hello every so often and are just nice people.

Always looking for more friends if you're up to the job. Just may take a bit longer than it used to be before I shoot the request to you. Smile

Parvacake · **12-08-2014, 11:21 AM**

(12-08-2014, 11:15 AM)Melodia Wrote: Well....it was a long weekend and one where I was sick a lot, but last night and this morning, after some long talks with the small handful of very close friends in game I have, I made the decision to cut a lot of names from my list. Some I hadn't talked in so long I couldn't remember who they were. Others, who'd blatantly been dishonest with me, and others who were a bit more....well I could just tell our personalities weren't going to work well.

And it was cathartic.

I've done that before myself Smile

Great isn't it? Though I tend to get lost in my own headspace so often I forget to shoot the occasional hello or what have you...oops!

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MMOs and Fairweather Friends

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes