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Lydia Lightfoot · **04-07-2016, 03:22 PM**

Irony: When people who use "No one is obligated to help someone" as an argument point are doing so in a thread where they are trying to help someone.

Faye · **04-07-2016, 03:24 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:22 PM)Osena Rhen Wrote: Irony: When people who use "No one is obligated to help someone" as an argument point are doing so in a thread where they are trying to help someone.

Just because you aren't obligated to doesn't mean you can't. Furthermore, that's in regards to someone who is mistreating you/making you unhappy. As far as I know, OP hasn't hurt anyone here, or at least she hasn't hurt me.

Lydia Lightfoot · **04-07-2016, 03:26 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:24 PM)Faye Wrote: Just because you aren't obligated to doesn't mean you can't.Â

Thank you for making my point for me.

Faye · **04-07-2016, 03:27 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:26 PM)Osena Rhen Wrote:
(04-07-2016, 03:24 PM)Faye Wrote: Just because you aren't obligated to doesn't mean you can't.Â

Thank you for making my point for me.

I didn't, but I'll gladly accept any gratitude. You're welcome!

LiadansWhisper · **04-07-2016, 03:27 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:22 PM)Osena Rhen Wrote: Irony: When people who use "No one is obligated to help someone" as an argument point are doing so in a thread where they are trying to help someone.

[Image: thatssotrue_3749_1331166173.gif]

***Nero*** · **04-07-2016, 03:28 PM**

Brief reminder to keep the discussion civil and on-topic. You can disagree with someone without derision.

Arrelaine · **04-07-2016, 03:34 PM**

I'm going to echo what others have said: You have no obligation to stick around with someone who is causing you OOC stress and trying to guilt-trip you OOC. Does the possibility exist that they don't know what they're doing? Yes, but it's not your responsibility to teach them or to help them if you don't want to. It's a stronger possibility they know what they're doing. If it's too much emotional baggage to deal with, tell them 'listen, this is too much, I'm out'.

Yes, I've done the same with two other RP partners (I don't have many, for this very reason). They all knew I had a husband and I'm not interested in any OOC romance or anything more than friendship. The very -moment- the act clingy or express anything other than basic friendly intentions, I drop them and tell them goodbye. I don't play those games, been through that, been through too much in my life to let some person on the internet try to ruin my happiness OOC.

If you feel it's worth it, and they'll change, then by all means attempt to rectify the situation. Whether or not it works completely depends on the other person. If they don't start changing, then for your own sake you need to drop them. If you stay in such a relationship without change, you're falling into a perpetual victimhood hole with this person you'll never be able to climb out of. Not without damage.

The only situation you have to worry about is you. The only person who can control their way out is you. The only person who can control your feelings, your actions is you. And it goes the same for the other person. You are not responsible for their actions, their feelings or their words. You have to make them take responsibility for what they're doing, whether or not it's 'listen, you need to stop what you're doing, it's wrong; I'm willing to help you change' or 'listen, what you're doing is wrong and I'm out'.

For those that don't understand the definition of obligation, here it is. There is a very clear, hard difference between obligation and desire. I have no obligation to help homeless stray dogs find homes, but I have a desire to do so. I have no obligation to the OP to give them advice, but I desire to do so.

'obligation
[ob-li-gey-shuh n]
noun
1.
something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc.
2.
something that is done or is to be done for such reasons:
to fulfill one's obligations.
3.
a binding promise, contract, sense of duty, etc.
4.
the act of binding or obliging oneself by a promise, contract, etc.
5.
Law.

an agreement enforceable by law, originally applied to promises under seal.
a document containing such an agreement.
a bond containing a penalty, with a condition annexed for payment of money, performance of covenants, etc.

6.
any bond, note, bill, certificate, or the like, as of a government or a corporation, serving as evidence of indebtedness.
7.
an indebtedness or amount of indebtedness.'

Warren Castille · **04-07-2016, 03:36 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:22 PM)Osena Rhen Wrote: Irony: When people who use "No one is obligated to help someone" as an argument point are doing so in a thread where they are trying to help someone.

I'm one of them who did so. I posted because I thought the advice might help. There is a small difference between unsolicited advice ("You should do this because I said so") and solicited advice ("You asked, so here's what I think.")

Personal interests and biases and opinions between two people can muck up any delicate social operation: No one wants to make their friends feel wrong or down or bad and a lot of us would rather just endure the bad while riding the highs. The tricky part comes when the bad is potentially signs of something actually being wrong or needing to be addressed and we permit that behavior to not make a ruckus.

It's presuming, but OP's reports have shown that the OOC relationship is already pretty terse. If someone's logging out in a fit while throwing off PA comments or putting you under a lamp when you take a night off, that already sets the fuse on the powderkeg of communicating efficiently.

S'imba · **04-07-2016, 03:36 PM**

Personal safety always comes first, evenot if you risk a lot to save a lot. If you're in a situation you're actively being hurt you get out. Sure if you haven't talked to them about it, then it might be worth talking to them. But if they fall back into old habits then it's best to leave. If you're telling yourself that you're changing them it's probably a chance that it's abusive.Â

In order to help someone like that, it needs to be done by someone who doesn't have the emotional attachments those people feed off of. Obviously they don't see what they are doing is wrong. It's pretty rare that any abuser believes what they are doing is wrong. Which means there's a good chance they won't change if you try and fix it.Â

Basically if you haven't talked to them and they refuse to see the problem or fall back into old habits tell them that you're done and move on don't even let them come crawling back.

Kage · **04-07-2016, 03:39 PM**

(04-06-2016, 03:36 AM)Kattoki Wrote: In Character, my character loves her partner. However just as ooc I feel smothered ic she also feels smothered. What I mean is, ic I am a treasure hunter I enjoy going to the quicksand I have friends there and I just enjoy having a good time and a laugh there. IC my partner had a bad experience there so she rarely goes there, and only does come when I have gone there or am missing from my room. IC my partner then comes along and somewhat forces me to leave the place because she feels uncomfortable being there. IC I would say I am fine in Ul'dah, that I have experience living there and being in a place like that, but that doesnt stop them from coming and forcing me back.

Now I dont mind spending time with them, IC or OOC but I am restricted from seeing any other people or friends, or making new friends.

OOC, the often complain how they dont like the place. So the avoid it, but I am fine with going there and have told them that I am fine going there ic or ooc.

Are all your issues coming from when you want to visit the Quicksand and the other doesn't want to go there? It reads as if the two of you aren't able to spend a lot of time together RPing (different time zones, you don't spend too long in one game). Does the person tell you to spend most of your time together or is it stemming from how you like to spend time in Quicksand while the other doesn't?

If the partner is not actually telling you that you can't spend time with them there may be one issue and that it is possible that your IC married partner was wanting for an RP partner who they can develop long time RP. If you have limited time together and you spend half of it in a place that the other does not like to go, it will cause marriage issues. Marriage counseling may fix it (compromise on where you meet adventurers, Drowning Wench is another hub) or you have a case where you genuinely need to get out.

Valence · **04-07-2016, 03:42 PM**

You should all just wait for the OP to have actually talked with their other half before going on crazy on speculation like that. Once you get proven that the other half is either 1) misguided/misunderstood or 2) a douche, the answer is pretty easy and clear cut and I think everyone will agree on it.

Snowflakehusky · **04-07-2016, 03:43 PM**

Oh dear.

it really is very simple, and not so simple. The irony of a human heart, no?

While it is clear you do not wish to hurt your rp partner/ friend/ IC spouse, it is also evident you feel hounded, stalked, and oppressed, aka creeped out.

Should an honest talk with your friend prove unsuccessful[ and I get the feeling it will. Call it a hunch], I would suggest calling it a day, and ending the entire thing.

Despite how much fun it is, how it draws us in, at the Â end of the day[ forgive the cliche], FFiv is a -game-. You are playing a game, meant to be fun. And you are not having fun- quite the contrary.Â

isn't life already hard enough?
[[hugs my friend]]

Arrelaine · **04-07-2016, 03:45 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:42 PM)Valence Wrote: You should all just wait for the OP to have actually talked with their other half before going on crazy on speculation like that. Once you get proven that the other half is either 1) misguided/misunderstood or 2) a douche, the answer is pretty easy and clear cut and I think everyone will agree on it.

The OP has already said they feel the need to hide or go into offline mode to avoid them. It's not crazy speculation. It's not okay for someone else to make you feel that way, misguided or no.

Nebbs · **04-07-2016, 03:45 PM**

(04-07-2016, 03:42 PM)Valence Wrote: You should all just wait for the OP to have actually talked with their other half before going on crazy on speculation like that. Once you get proven that the other half is either 1) misguided/misunderstood or 2) a douche, the answer is pretty easy and clear cut and I think everyone will agree on it.

^ Hussar!

Edvyn · **04-07-2016, 04:45 PM**

When the intention of someone appears to be to control others, I do not believe that this intention can be readily interpreted as good for anyone but the person taking control - even if the person believes they are doing good, this is irrelevant. So do most abusers.

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