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kura-ou · **08-01-2016, 06:03 AM**

I've been gone so long on these forums and I'm really disappointed in myself... I wanted to do so much for my commissioners and for AX Artist Alley, but in the end... Nothing panned out and I became really depressed...

[Image: 2016_a_handwritten_letter_to_my_dear_com...agew8d.png]

[Image: 2016_depressed_vs_happy_by_kura_ou-dagf0wx.png]

It was made worse by my tablet not working so I couldn't do my older digital commissions I accepted in late May and early June.

I feel horrible for making everyone wait.

But I don't know how to respond...

I don't know if anyone reads my **TERMS OF SERVICE**.

I am solely at fault for not communicating...but at the same time, bouts of depression, and not simple sadness, I feel, attack me for small, petty reasons or none at all. I don't think I can put that in a Terms of Service, but it's true, and I hate myself for it.

It's stressed in my signature that my art is my life, that I put so many hours into my art [when I feel well enough to draw]. And yet, despite having no show of illnesses before, this stupid sad feeling comes out of nowhere when I least expect it and mentally cripples me until who knows when.

"You're an unprofessional, disgusting person." - 6/10/16

"Your prices are too high. I can draw way better than you and wouldn't charge that much." - 7/2/16

I can't pretend to be happy right now...nor can I read and take any negativity from any messages, brought on by my own inaction, either. How pathetic, right?

-----

**UPDATE 8/31/16**

As depressed as I have been since early July, I cannot afford to always feel bad about myself. I'm now barely realizing that. It's taking me a bit more time to get to everyone's replies, commissions and messages due to more life complications after hearing about my father's health complications from the doctor's office... So I am monitoring my father, nagging him every so often to make sure he takes care of his health better.

For commissions and FFXIV art in general, I may stay silent for a while, but I will not give up on my art. I know I felt quite sad after one of the first people who commissioned me changed their avatar and discarded my art, I felt that even though I gave them extra work in the 1st place because I really loved doing their commission when I was normal and happier, that I just wasn't trustworthy and just scammer trash because I holed myself up during my long depression. I didn't even want to type a response to them because I was still hurt from that last person on deviantArt who said the first negative comment. That's not the correct way to move on, it's not the correct way to make my happiness more stable, my productivity increase. Those thoughts only serve to make me more depressed...

So I'm working towards remedying that (I bought Trader Joe's multivitamins on my birthday to give me back the gift of being happy, however slow ;; ). I've read and reread everyone's supportive comments. Since my birthday last week, I've begun to be more industrious as a student, as a volunteer, as an artist. Regardless of whether some people may find me untrustworthy due to my social anxiety and depression over the course of a commission--it helps no one if I give up.

I already have proof of that, but I won't show everyone the pieces yet because the final product is still unfinished.

For now, I'll be showcasing pieces I have finished since late July, all time-stamped.

[Image: 2016_comm_ffxiv_leih_f_collage_da_by_kur...ac18i7.gif]

pencil drafts of the commission and the extra gifts

[Image: 2016_gift_p_hs_for_parth_makeo_final_da_...acad40.png]

WIP
It's taking me so gosh-darn long on Parth-Makeo's because I have a ton of spazzy ideas...and I hope to be able to implement some of them if my technical skill is up to par Q~Q ...he gave me a few cool suggestions...and a plethora of things ran through my mind even though I haven't talked yet.

[Image: 2016_comm_ffxiv_wchs_adeya_f_da_by_kura_ou-dae88rc.png]

...It was a headshot commission, but I used the single reference I had of Adeya's grimoire and did my best to 'make up' the patterns. Like with every commission, I also enjoyed this...even if my hand cramped for a while QuQ;;

[Image: tumblr_ocljxx9BpN1veyh0fo1_1280.png]

Stress-reliever piece for once and something I did to give back to the community (You can also enter before 9/3/16, and I'll have a separate raffle for everyone's characters here--one reason why I did it was because I went through a lot of people's screenshots and felt touched by the love and care they put into those and the companion text (if not just the screens, because a picture can also say a 1000 words ;; ).

[Image: 2016_comm_ffxiv_wcwu_sonny_fier_f_da_by_...aft7b4.png]

comments here; most detailed commission up to date

[Image: tumblr_od4o39FCyC1veyh0fo1_500.png]

First chibi/full-body Lalafell I drew in lieu of a headshot for Shoshopu's patience

So yes, I'm not done, and greatly thank everyone for their patience and understanding ^^

As I said before, I work slow, and sometimes don't talk because I am a little art hermit sometimes bound by emotions I can't yet understand, but I don't forget commissions, and I certainly won't run off with anyone's hard-earned money.

PM notifications haven't been getting through, but you are free to contact me via tumblr (which has 2 types of messaging available now, I think?).

I'll be volunteering some more in morning up until the early evening, but will try to work on some more art and continue replying to everyone's comments after dinner.

Again, thank you for not only your understanding, but your insight. I greatly appreciate it C:

-----

Because of that first person, I had to refund most of the money I made from AX, which was not that much. Miscommunication is always my fault...and it's usually because I have these stupidly-grande ideas for a piece of art and always feel so inadequate, so I keep drawing other things until I can get better.

I'm really foolish in that aspect because even though I plan these gifts and all of that for commissioners who are really patient--if I never talk, because of depression or some art hermit streak, I will never know when a fuse will go off and I'll be reprimanded (rightly so, but the choice of words can vary; 'disgusting' is just abhorrent and I would never use it for someone who has never tried harming another person, let alone someone online, whom I cannot see being physically gross or dirty).

I never have any intention to scam anyone out of their hard-earned money. I know how hard it can be. To make just $100, I have to take on at least 7 headshot commissions, which take about 2-4 hours each. Imagine having to scrape at least $250/$700 every month just to try to pay for groceries and a monthly loan payment after graduation?

I really hate myself, because I do all I can to be happy in front of others and comfort them if needed IRL, but I have no friend like that. My elderly dad gets anxious easily and to my mom, depression isn't an illness.

------

I don't like being like this. Having no time to draw because I have to 'study', but there is no direction, no set plan for what I have to do in the health sciences. I can't even go back to school because I would have to take on additional loans and it would take away from my volunteer work, which already takes 4-6 hours via public transportation.

And for AX, I temporarily stopped my volunteering. I can't say that it was worth it. Spending weeks preparing sketches, only for my tablet to have problems near the end, and I couldn't meet my print deadlines for large posters or even work on ideas I really wanted to pull through with. And my buttons, after staying up a few days, I only finished 3. I lost sleep and my mom felt bad for me, so she offered to punch a bunch of them up until the early morning (3:30 am) I had to take the Greyhound for Day 1 of AX.

My elderly parents suffered helping me with my over-sized luggage, and in the end, I couldn't even sell 1/3 of my prints. And the hundreds of buttons that my mom painstakingly helped me make--I couldn't even sell 20 of those. That little teenager that made the pricing remark, that just made me even sadder.

I found it funny: I had to take on cheap commissions just to make back the money I spent sharing the table, the hotel room, and for food... So much extra work when I could have been working on my older commissions if only the prints and buttons sold well .___.

I probably just saw 3 good online friends the entire time I was there. My partner was super-sweet and we got to explore Little Tokyo for the 1st time for about an hour or so before everything closed. These were the few good memories I had this year.

And yet, they're outweighed by this sadness that seems really petty.

Getting a day of rest and returning to Orange County, a place I haven't been since I lost my only uncle, made me even more sorrowful. I wouldn't have to go with my mom if he was still alive. I still feel grief over his death...

-----

But the feelings I have right now are a mixture of anxiety and depression. I'm so afraid of reading these messages, because...I don't know how to give proper apologies, am afraid of people's anger... I should have just communicated more, but it's been a month or so...and I still have all these ideas in my head that I haven't gotten onto paper yet...

I want to do so much more to make my commissioners happy and adding some extras, but...

What if they now hate me and no longer want the art...? Just because I disappeared for a month...

Just because of my depression and foolishness in not responding as I should...

Ever since I lost my only childhood friend to depression, I've been having these random bouts of sadness and I still don't know how to remedy this.

Maybe I have no one around my age, no close friend to understand me anymore...

Whatever the reason, I don't like having my feelings crippling my ability to create art.

Not being able to draw, whether it's because of depression or technical issues, all of it makes me anxious and even more depressed when I can't deliver in a timely manner... .___.

I probably trust other people to trust me far too much... Because I would never steal anything they worked hard for, but the world doesn't work like that. People do steal, and I can only look like a scammer when I disappear--life reasons or not.

I can't say that they don't have lives either. Of course they would worry .__.

All I can do is apologize for making them wait so long...but would they still trust me to create art for them...?

Aurou · **08-01-2016, 07:03 AM**

I'm not mad at you and I'll continue to wait patiently. Please take your time and feel better. I will admit I was a little bummed after so long had passed, but only because I was very excited to see your beautiful art. After you went quiet following your AX, I figured that either something very bad had happened or your gallery didn't go well.

It's okay.

Take some time to collect yourself. Draw because it is something that you enjoy doing. Continue volunteering because it is something that you enjoy doing. Enjoy the time with your parents (they sound absolutely lovely for helping you to prepare!)

You've focused on two negative comments here. Two. Don't do that. Take them with a grain of salt and use them to better yourself. The one about being unprofessional... use that as a reminder to keep the lines of communication open! Let your commissioners know that you are not feeling well or that you are having technical issues. The ones about price and quality... that is entirely a personal opinion. Should you receive another comment like that, thank them for their advice and continue on with what you think is best.

Now go back and look at all of the positive comments that you have. Dozens upon dozens between here and your Deviant Art page alone. Surely you must be doing something right. Keep doing whatever that is!

You've been a wonderful person to do business with. You've been very sweet and polite. Your art is absolutely gorgeous. You better believe I still want my commission. And I'll wait until you finally get to #6 on that list.

Just continue to be open and honest. Depression is far more common than you might think, don't be afraid to let someone know if you're having trouble. Remember to find time for yourself and take care of yourself. (And keep up with your art so that you can eat and have a place to sleep!) But also because you seem to love art so much.

There will always be people that don't like what you do. And that's okay. There are so many other people that do like what you do. Focus on them and all of the positive that comes with that. Learn from the criticism and keep improving.

Remember to smile. Even if you're having a bad day today, don't let that drag you down tomorrow. Start fresh each day if you can! Tomorrow can be amazing.

All the love

Warren Castille · **08-01-2016, 12:09 PM**

Unkind voices can sometimes speak disproportionately loud compared with those who offer praises and positivity.

I like your art. I've only had positive responses from you. I would like to continue to exchange currency for goods and services.

McBeefâ„¢ · **08-01-2016, 01:15 PM**

You're fine.

You can't help some things, but one thing you can help is being communicative. Most people are ok with delays, but long periods with know updates are bad.

Even just a "Things are crazy but I still plan to finish these!" every week or so can do a wonder for placating people's worries.

Caspar · **08-01-2016, 01:19 PM**

I'm sorry to hear that it's been difficult for you. Don't let the negative posts get you down when there's so many others who have appreciated your work. Sometimes we want to make everyone happy and accomplish every goal set before us, and circumstances make that challenging. One of the things I noticed is that you took the time to respond to every commission with an individual posted response in the thread. At the time I thought it quaint, but then it occurred to me maybe you want to give every customer the same standard of service when accepting commissions and had set a bar for yourself to adhere to quality wise. I think regardless of real life getting in the way, that deserves respect.

I'm not that great at encouragement, so I think the most useful thing I can say is that art is your life (And I think you're great at it.) and life is your art. If so, then it's all the more important you take care of both. You might want to make everyone happy, but be conscious of what *you* want to do, or the number of commissions you can comfortably take on without undue stress to yourself. Likewise, if you focus solely on art and not on finding peace in your day to day life, won't it make it harder to put forward an effort you personally would be happy with? Â If you feel you're unhappy or struggling, take time to cool down, find your balance again, and when you've decompressed, then you can think about tie up loose ends and starting up again. Most people will understand if you're honest and speak candidly about the delay. That's what I think anyway.

PhantasticPanda · **08-01-2016, 01:38 PM**

Many people here have said that I've wanted to say. You're art is simply wonderful. I know what it feels like, to be brought down by the very few harsh comments I've come across in my life. I know the feeling of being depressed and lost and its something that I and many others have struggled through.

But please, do not let that hide you from all the wonderful things you have. Do not feel sad that your mom and your grandparents went out to help you. To have that sort of support and help for your own hobbies is something to look up to for any parent. You did what you could and did you best out there and there's a lot of admiration and respect to have there.

And if you need to, do not be afraid to slow down and take a break whenever you need to, from your studies or your art. Life can get hard at times but its important to recollect oneself and recover. Try not to burn yourself out. Funny enough, we have the same focus in our studies. I remember being lost, and I felt extremely bad that all my friends would graduate before me. But after some time to recollect myself, I was able to refocus onto the path I wanted to take, with some changes here and there.

Truly, I do hope you feel better soon as do many others. We understand that life happens, and it can happen to any of us. Best we do is support each other. Smile

Aya · **08-01-2016, 02:59 PM**

I love the headshot of Aya you did! As Warren says it is natural to be self-critical, and criticism often ends up sticking in one's mind more firmly than compliments, but I do hope that you see all of the people who enjoy your art and are happy to commission you!

As for that second jerk person, let him draw how he likes and charge what he wants, that has no impact on you! If people are willing to commission you then you're not asking too much! That's the way it works ^_^

Roen · **08-01-2016, 05:27 PM**

I am just going to pile on with everyone else here and tell you that I really liked the picture of Rae you drew for me. It was so lovely.

Do not let other people's criticisms be the only and loudest thing you remember. Just look at your commissions list to remind yourself that your art is liked! And I know there are plenty of arguments out there about who should charge what... art is all subjective! You charge what you think is fair and don't listen to others.

But first and foremost, take care of yourself first, then everything else.

LystAP · **08-01-2016, 07:01 PM**

I love your work! I still have it for my portrait!Â

Do not feel sad about what a few individuals may say about your work. You are a wonderful artist and I am jealous of your ability, yet admired the detail you put into our characters!Â

I am fine with my place on the waiting list, as I know you must have real life issues that afflict many individuals, especially depression. Prioritize your own health, and we will await your return with abated breath!

Lyriell · **08-03-2016, 03:09 PM**

I understand how you feel. I'm not an artist myself but I'm a Freelance Translator und also do some Marketing and even though 99% of my reviews are good there's always a Client that isn't satisfied and that will talk badly about me.Â

Don't let yourself get down by such things and if you don't feel good, don't force yourself. Art takes times more than anything else and rushing it is not the right way to go about it, no matter what anyone else things.

LiadansWhisper · **08-03-2016, 08:17 PM**

Charge what you want to charge, and if anyone bitches about it, tell them to pike off.

Or, alternatively, contact me, and I will tell them to pike off and to stop being a whiny brat, get a job, and come up with the money for said commission.

I will gladly do this for you. Just go art and things.

Parvacake · **08-08-2016, 01:56 PM**

Never apologize for being sad <3 Everyone have moments and times where they crumble and fall. Just focus on doing what is best for you until you can help raise yourself up again. Talk to whoever you do business with and those that understand are great to have around! Those that don't? Give 'em the bird and toddle along.

<3

Xerintha · **08-08-2016, 02:33 PM**

As a creative sort myself and someone who deals with chronic depression and anxiety, I can completely understand everything you're saying. I know that when I'm at my lowest, I cut myself off from the world and hate myself for doing it. If you're not already in therapy, I would suggest you see what is available and try a couple therapists until you find one that clicks for you.Â

If you can find relief without medication that is the best way to go but sometimes a combination of therapy and medication is the best course of action. Medication can also help since brain chemicals and receptors are often out of whack for those of us in the chronic classifications. I would urge you to be mindful of those, though and don't be afraid to tell your doctor if it feels wrong. Not every medication works for every person.Â

Hormones can also play a huge part in this and there may be something out of balance there too (mine are!).

Dealing with this stuff is hard. Really hard. But you truly can find a way to stabilize without losing your creativity and drive. I promise! So big hugs from me and you've got all my well wishes, good thoughts, and prayers. Hollar if you need someone to talk to. Smile

Â

Leih · **08-08-2016, 02:55 PM**

I think everyone have said the same thoughts I have. Your art is great, and I am willing to buy more in the future. Don't let people that probably have nothing better to do but go around giving mean comments make you feel bad about what you do.Â

I also happen to have a very strong kind of chronic depression and I know how it feels to just be at the lowest for a time. It's something that happens and its not you fault. Don't blame yourself.Â

For now the most important thing is your health and your emotional stability. Focus on that and the rest will slowly work out.

Bonus Moogle cause moogles make everything better:Â Moogle

kura-ou · **08-29-2016, 03:40 AM**

(08-01-2016, 07:03 AM)Aurou Wrote: I'm not mad at you and I'll continue to wait patiently. Please take your time and feel better. I will admit I was a little bummed after so long had passed, but only because I was very excited to see your beautiful art. After you went quiet following your AX, I figured that either something very bad had happened or your gallery didn't go well.

It's okay.

Take some time to collect yourself. Draw because it is something that you enjoy doing. Continue volunteering because it is something that you enjoy doing. Enjoy the time with your parents (they sound absolutely lovely for helping you to prepare!)

You've focused on two negative comments here. Two. Don't do that. Take them with a grain of salt and use them to better yourself. The one about being unprofessional... use that as a reminder to keep the lines of communication open! Let your commissioners know that you are not feeling well or that you are having technical issues. The ones about price and quality... that is entirely a personal opinion. Should you receive another comment like that, thank them for their advice and continue on with what you think is best.

Now go back and look at all of the positive comments that you have. Dozens upon dozens between here and your Deviant Art page alone. Surely you must be doing something right. Keep doing whatever that is!

You've been a wonderful person to do business with. You've been very sweet and polite. Your art is absolutely gorgeous. You better believe I still want my commission. And I'll wait until you finally get to #6 on that list.

Just continue to be open and honest. Depression is far more common than you might think, don't be afraid to let someone know if you're having trouble. Remember to find time for yourself and take care of yourself. (And keep up with your art so that you can eat and have a place to sleep!) But also because you seem to love art so much.

There will always be people that don't like what you do. And that's okay. There are so many other people that do like what you do. Focus on them and all of the positive that comes with that. Learn from the criticism and keep improving.

Remember to smile. Even if you're having a bad day today, don't let that drag you down tomorrow. Start fresh each day if you can! Tomorrow can be amazing.

All the love

Dear Aurou, I apologize for this super-belated reply and for making you worry so much Q-Q I'm still a bit overwhelmed [and very touched] by everyone's kind comments and thank you for being one of the first to reach out and for giving me all these tips.

I want you to know that I'm trying, as difficult as it may be, to get back on track and to be happy enough so I can continue everyone's commissions at a steadier pace. I recently got to make 3 first-time chemo patients smile on my birthday a few days back, and I guess that was the best step forward *^*)b

In-between studying and my filial duties, I'll do what I can to reserve at least 1 hour every night to work on commissions.

Thank you again for your advice and understanding, Aurou Q//~//Q

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[Discussion] I apologize for being sad :C

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes