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RElNHART · **12-31-2016, 02:09 PM**

Hello guys I wanted to throw a question out here. I've been having some issues to deal with lately and it's been incredibly stressful dealing with this sort of thing.

I wanted to ask that if your SO IRL has an RP relationship in game with someone else (platonic, the two characters are married), at which point would it feel like the rp relationship is getting in the way of their real one?

I'm open to answer questions as well.

ArmachiA · **12-31-2016, 02:24 PM**

Okay so, I can answer a bit.

I've been dating my SO for 11 years now, but my character is married to a very close friend of mine who I met in the game.

The answer is: Whenever you feel like it is.

Are you uncomfortable with how much time she's spending RPing with this person? Does she RP with them a lot? Did they get really close in a short amount of time and their OOC interactions are making you uncomfortable? Do you know the RP partner and does he talk to you? Does she ERP without your permission (Or with your "I guess it's okay..." kind of permission)?

Take a look at the idea objectively. If she's rping with this guy every day, for hours and hours, and you have no idea what the rp is or whats going on - that's not really okay if your uncomfortable. If it's a couple times a week and she doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you, that could be your own insecurity.

There's a lot of variables to this question because people are very different. Me and my SO aren't jealous people, we give each other a lot of space, but not all relationships are like ours and that's okay. You get to set the boundaries of what is comfortable to deal with. If what she's doing isn't comfortable for YOU, then it's generally not okay.

If you need a more specific answer, I'm afraid you'll have to get a little more specific.

Faye · **12-31-2016, 02:30 PM**

Armachia's advice is pretty much the same as my own. It's up to you to set the boundaries you're comfortable with in your relationship and decide when you feel they've been crossed. Without knowing the specifics of either side of the story, the best I can say is to ask yourself whether it's your own insecurities at play here making you unhappy, or whether you feel you're being mistreated/neglected by your partner. Either way, however, the end result is going to be the same: you need to talk to your SO about it. Let them know how you're feeling and why, and try to find a compromise together.

RElNHART · **12-31-2016, 02:34 PM**

"Are you uncomfortable with how much time she's spending RPing with this person? Does she RP with them a lot? Did they get really close in a short amount of time and their OOC interactions are making you uncomfortable? Do you know the RP partner and does he talk to you?"

A bit of all the above. the out of character interactions aren't at all like they are in game, We've all been on a VOIP at the same time. The other person seems like a good guy and is respectful. No ERP either.
I've just been having difficulty with them because I feel like I'm the third wheel when she's my girlfriend. It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.

The character interactions wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel like I'm just along for the ride.Â

So I guess I am having insecurities and haven't thought of a proper way to deal with it without angering the two of them. I really don't want to be that guy and ruin something harmless but at the same time I don't want to play by myself anymore.

Faye · **12-31-2016, 02:39 PM**

(12-31-2016, 02:34 PM)RElNHART Wrote: "Are you uncomfortable with how much time she's spending RPing with this person? Does she RP with them a lot? Did they get really close in a short amount of time and their OOC interactions are making you uncomfortable? Do you know the RP partner and does he talk to you?"

A bit of all the above. the out of character interactions aren't at all like they are in game, We've all been on a VOIP at the same time. The other person seems like a good guy and is respectful. No ERP either.
I've just been having difficulty with them because I feel like I'm the third wheel when she's my girlfriend. It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.

The character interactions wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel like I'm just along for the ride.Â

So I guess I am having insecurities and haven't thought of a proper way to deal with it without angering the two of them. I really don't want to be that guy and ruin something harmless but at the same time I don't want to play by myself anymore.

imo talk to your girlfriend (privately without her RP partner around) and just let her know you like to play XIV with her and want to spend more quality time with her in game. Ask her if you could run some dungeons or role-play or whatever it is you two do together in game sometime with just the two of you and no one else. You don't have to make it about the role-play or her role-play partner, since it doesn't seem like that's the real source of the issue anyway, and "I want you to RP less" or "I want you to spend less time with this person" always comes across as controlling.

RElNHART · **12-31-2016, 02:40 PM**

Thanks guys, I'll try talking to her about it. I'm just hoping that we'll be able to have some alone time playing the game for a bit.

ArmachiA · **12-31-2016, 02:49 PM**

Yeah definitely talk to her about the fact that you want to spend quality time in the game with just you two. If the guy is not a jerk, he'll also understand that you two want to just hang out together and he can make an appearance later. Set those boundaries ("I'm fine with you rping, but I'd like you to spend time with me in the game as well"). If you're new to the roleplaying scene (Even just watching it from the sidelines) I absolutely understand how this can be playing with your insecurities. It's almost odd to watch romance rp and think that it's fake. But, don't be quick to anger, calm communication is very important. Good luck and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

Cynnie · **12-31-2016, 02:52 PM**

I agree with everyone else's advice. Communication is absolutely key. If you feel as if you are being neglected please bring it up to your SO. Perhaps just bring it up in a way that shows that you care for her and you'd really like to enjoy playing the game with her as well.

I know that you stated you are not an RPer, but if you have had interest in it you could even try bringing up you would like to try RPing with her. It can be a great bonding experience with an SO! But again, communication is key!

Virella · **12-31-2016, 02:52 PM**

As said above, you really just need to have a talk. These things are better handled sooner then later before the end up potentially risking a relationship being broken up. Sadly enough I've seen it happen in the past, but you're already on the right path by deciding to have a talk with her!

Keep your head cool and the best of luck to you.

Syranelle Ironleaf · **12-31-2016, 02:54 PM**

Let me preface this: Â I roleplay in FFXIV and my husband does not. Â My character is in a long-standing relationship with another Player and is due to be Bonded with that character soon'ish. Â My husband and I are non-jealous types that are pretty easy-going, but we talk about everything. Â He hears about my RP shenanigans usually on the night they happen (or while things are going on.) Â

My friendship with the Player is strictly that, just friendship. Â We talk a lot OOC on Skype or Discord, do a lot of PVE things together, but he never takes priority over my husband. Â I made it crystal clear when our characters first got involved that I was happily married and any attempt at a romantic relationship OOC would result in them summarily being booted to the curb. Â XD Â That's never been a problem though, the Player is a chill dude and a good friend. Â Not everyone does this, though, since they're afraid it will make people avoid them.

While I've never been in your exact shoes, I've been roleplaying for a long, long time now, so I've seen this same issue come up time and again. Â Given that, I have some warning signs that may help you:

1.) Â If your SO ignores or reschedules IRL plans (or plans with YOU) in favor of RP ones. Â

This one is probably the biggest warning sign. Â Nothing in the game should ever supersede the real people in your life, especially your spouse/significant other/children.

2.) Â If your SO refuses to RP with you in the room and/or tries to hide the screen when you're in the room. Â

Having something to hide when it comes to RP means that they're doing something they're ashamed of, or something that might upset you -- that's a problem. Â They know they're doing something wrong, but refuse to admit it. Â (Or stop doing it.)

3.) Â If your SO have talked about this before and they've been dismissive of your discomfort. Â (i.e. "It's just RP!")

Your feelings and your comfort level as the IRL partner come first and foremost. Â If your SO is unwilling to listen and at least consider your feelings without dismissing them, that's something you really need to take into consideration.

4.) If your SO has the abovelisted habits ONLY with their relationship RP partner, but no one else.

It's particularly telling if your SO's behavior changes only when they're with their romantic partner. Â If you're privy to all other aspects of their roleplay, but NOT that part, then it may be time to set some boundaries.

I agree with everyone else here, though, that if you haven't yet talked to your SO about your feelings and whatnot, then it's absolutely high-time to.

Shofie · **12-31-2016, 03:00 PM**

A suggestion I toss out when I see this sort of thing pop up is to specifically set aside days and times where she only spends time with you, both in-game and out-of-game. During this time, the friend is not allowed to come up and he isn't invited along, it's personal time for the two of you.

Nebbs · **12-31-2016, 03:01 PM**

All sensible stuff. I would add..

Relationships are complex, and there are any number of things you learn about each other through the years and more.Â

Just remember that you and your SO will have some differences, and you both need to be open and honest about those. I would also be honest about how you feel and not try to play a blame game. Whatever the issue you need to work together and accept who each of you are and how you go forward with that together.

There is no "standard" couple, find what works for you two.

Kailani · **12-31-2016, 03:57 PM**

(12-31-2016, 02:09 PM)RElNHART Wrote: ...if your SO IRL has an RP relationship in game with someone else (platonic, the two characters are married), at which point would it feel like the rp relationship is getting in the way of their real one?

This may sound like a strange question, but I do have reasons behind it. Is your "SO IRL" someone who is an online relationship you've had for a while now, or someone you live with/see daily/weekly? I think this makes a huge difference. In past experiences I've seen online relationships get tossed to the side in lieu of other friendships simply because the person is so used to everything being online or interchangeable even. It could just be miscommunication between you two in regards to priorities.

This bit about.. "It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.", is really the only thing that makes me question any of it. I've spent endless hours with my RP partner(s) with nothing shady happening behind the scenes that my real life relationships haven't known about. Sometimes there's just a click and you really enjoy that time with them, because there are a lot of crazies in game.

But if YOU are feeling like the third wheel, then yeah you need to say something to her ASAP. Because unless you are being super sensitive, demanding of her time or controlling (which you don't seem to be from what you've said), there's never a reason she should be putting her feelings about someone in a game, over yours.

Just chat her up about all this, and you'll feel much better. Thumbsup

RElNHART · **12-31-2016, 04:03 PM**

(12-31-2016, 03:57 PM)Kailani Wrote:
(12-31-2016, 02:09 PM)RElNHART Wrote: ...if your SO IRL has an RP relationship in game with someone else (platonic, the two characters are married), at which point would it feel like the rp relationship is getting in the way of their real one?

This may sound like a strange question, but I do have reasons behind it. Â Is your "SO IRL" someone who is an online relationship you've had for a while now, or someone you live with/see daily/weekly? I think this makes a huge difference. In past experiences I've seen online relationships get tossed to the side in lieu of other friendships simply because the person is so used to everything being online or interchangeable even. It could just be miscommunication between you two in regards to priorities.

This bit about.. Â "It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.", Â is really the only thing that makes me question any of it. I've spent endless hours with my RP partner(s) with nothing shady happening behind the scenes that my real life relationships haven't known about. Sometimes there's just a click and you really enjoy that time with them, because there are a lot of crazies in game.

But if YOU are feeling like the third wheel, then yeah you need to say something to her ASAP. Because unless you are being super sensitive, demanding of her time or controlling (which you don't seem to be from what you've said), there's never a reason she should be putting her feelings about someone in a game, over yours.

Just chat her up about all this, and you'll feel much better.

We're been dating for 6 years. I see her pretty often, bout a 10 min drive from my house. but she's been playing ffxiv a lot more recently and I've been having trouble directing her attention away from it. So I sit there pretending like everything is ok. Sometimes I nap, sometimes we'll catch up on some youtube videos. Want her to play something else with me when I'm over there because I don't want to have to bring my pc tower every time I want to visit so we can play 14.

ArmachiA · **12-31-2016, 04:10 PM**

Roleplaying can take A LOT of time, for sure. Some sessions I just.. completely forget how long I've been there and suddenly it's 7 hours later. Has she just started rping and this is all new to both of you?

Don't be afraid to tell her you feel like she's spending too much time on the game either. But... do that carefully, she could get defensive quickly.

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