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+--- Thread: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell (/showthread.php?tid=1333)
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Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-09-2012
Friends... I don't know... sometimes they can be a bad thing... they certainly make life more complicated... worries of upsetting them, angering them... becoming worried from not seeing them enough... it brings enough emotion to make my head explode...
But that's not why I'm sad right now... I don't know quite why I'm sad... I just am. It's just happening like that. Maybe because I miss seeing my friends... but when I get back to HQ, nobody's there... they're all busy or sleeping... I feel so lonely, I end up going back to Gridania to see Mickel and Torran... but seeing some of my friends regularly is not as good as seeing all of them... I still miss Miyuki, Leanna - although I only last saw her a few days ago -, Aly... even Kass and Endri, and I never ever see those two anymore; I'm starting to wonder if that means they're still my friends... maybe it's my fault I never see them... probably... I always do something wrong. But Kass and Endri aren't really as important right now... feels kind of bad to think that, but... the important one is Miyuki. Miyuki's alway's had an unusual schedule... a lot of the time staying in her room until late in the evening... she doesn't go out much... but normally I get back to HQ in the evening, and she's just not there like she used to be... is it my fault? Maybe I'm just going to bed too early... but that's what I have to do - my work starts early for the Adders and as a Dragoon, and by the time I get back, I'm exhausted. But I don't like Ul'dah or Thanalan... I certainly wouldn't stay there without Miyuki. That's why even when me and Arthur are both exhausted, I go back to to Gridania - although I leave more than enough time for Miyuki to see me... or maybe it's not enough... does she still even want to see me? Maybe she's found someone more important... maybe I'm not even needed anymore... I don't know what's going on anymore... with anyone...
Thinking about, maybe I do know why I'm sad. But I don't want to be sad... I know it's horrible to think, but...sometimes I wonder... would it be better if I hadn't made friends? If I hadn't decided to stay in Gridania all those moons ago? If I just carried on wandering the world on my own, surviving like a wild animal?
No. Because then I wouldn't have met Torran and Mickel. I would have never known what it feels like to be a normal child, to play games and laugh and do all the things I normally do with marmots, only with other boys who are as smart and as easy to understand as myself, instead of animals that are hard to read...
And then there's Miyuki... but I don't know if meeting her is a good thing anymore... because I care too much. So much that it hurts... it hurts when I worry. Because she's not like Torran and Mickel... she doesn't stay in one safe place... because she's almost an adult. She goes out and does things in Thanalan. And unlike Torran And Mickel's house, Corvus Cinis HQ is big... even when we're both in the same building, I might not see her. But with the two brothers, they're always there at home in the evening - I always get to see them. And their home is small... no stairs... just a big main room, two bedrooms and a bathroom. The house is so small, when I sleep over, I either end up on the sofa, or sharing a bed with Mickel... but I prefer the latter... I like cuddles... they make sleeping more comfortable... and Mickel likes cuddles too... almost as much as Miyuki does. but at HQ I end up in a room of my own... I used to sleep with Miyuki a lot, but now... I dunno... it just doesn't feel right... I don't see her as much, so it feels like I'm not a big part of her life anymore... and she's almost an adult... when adults sleep together, it normally means something more than just sharing to save space or to have warm cuddles... it seems to involve love, and sometimes that yucky sex thing they do.
Why are adults so yucky? Sexing and kissing and drinking that icky stuff, and smelling strange and growing hair all over? Specially the tallfolk... at least Lalafell don't always get as hairy or smelly - although I have seen some very hairy Lalafell men before... I don't ever want to be an adult. But it'll happen in a few years, won't it? I'm not ready.
Life just isn't nice.
Well it seems it's time to go to the Nest and see what duties I have today... I don't want to go... my leg is still all stitched up, and I can't walk properly so I have to fight from on Arthur's back... it feels mean putting my chocobo in danger... and my superiors say I don't have to work, either, but... it's imporant... I need to help keep Eorzea safe... otherwise the Garleans would win... and that would be sad.
No, I must go to keep everyone from harm. Even if it means getting myself or my chocobo hurt.
Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-11-2012
How can I word these feelings? I can't... it's hard... there's just no way... because I have no idea just what they are. They're just there. Are they good? No. I feel like I just want to scream. But how would I describe it...?
Insecurity? Frustration? Loneliness? Isolation? Maybe a mixture of all.
I just want to be with Miyuki right now... but she's not around again today. I've seen plenty of Torran and Mickel - spending time with them won't help this time. No, I need Miyuki... and Aly... because I havn't seen either of them enough recently. But that's just how it goes. You can't choose what happens and when. everyone has their own schedules and their own hobbies. Can't expect them to be seeking you out with the same level of diligence as you do them.... and I bet neither Miyuki nor Alothia sit around for hours waiting for me.
Naturally, of course, I would understand for Aly... she's got other friends who are more important to her than I am... and she has responsibilities, but with Miyuki... I don't know... I don't expect her to be seeking me out any more... perhaps her schedule gets in the way, perhaps not, but if she was as actively trying to encounter me as I her, we would have managed so by now... yesterday, it was just luck that brought us together... Miyuki got delayed on returning to HQ... a sandstorm or something, I think... and she found me where I fell asleep on the floor in the front room.
I know Miyuki cares... she was crying yesterday morining from worry... I just wonder whether... whether spending time with me isn't important anymore. Do I bore her? Or perhaps she just needs me less than she used to... could she have found someone else? Maybe she's been spending more time with Leanna... maybe their relationship has become close enough to stop her from needing to see me as much... it kind of hurts when you end up finding someone ending up as your closest friend, only for them to slip away, as if you mean less to them in terms of standing out from other friends than they to you.
I suppose this is the danger really of entering someone else's life with barely any friendships of your own whilst they already have established relationships. Miyuki after all had a whole family before I met her... whilst I had nothing... just emerging friendships with Kassandra and Alothia.
It's not just Miyuki though... or Miyuki and Alothia... everyone seem to be slipping away... it has been quiet in Corvus Cinis recently, and it has been a while since I have seen Syd or Burgen or Tessa. And even longer with Kass and Endri.
But I don't know... maybe it's good everyone is moving on... I've seen that I'm more of a burden than anything else. I bring worry and sadness to Miyuki... Alothia ends up having to look after me... and the rest just seem to get annoyed, frustrated, weary, confused or tired of me. Is it my childishness? After all, Corvus Cinis are a company of adults and adolescents with a reasonably professional goal. Everyone can look after themselves without insecurities like my own... everyone except me. I don't have the social skills or the confidence or the ability to fit in without being a burden... That's why I still after all these months feel like an outsider, with friendships connecting me to certain members; but not enough to be inclusive. I have no proffesional ties with the company anymore, either... I havn't done any missions for them for a couple of weeks, and before that, it was just that Mavanix stuff, and the role I played I could have easily done whilst working alone... and it wouldn't have affected the company in the slightest. No, the only connections I have now with HQ are my friends. I don't deserve to live there anymore. But I can't return to my old ways of living, because I have too much stuff now; and I can't live in a place of my own, because I can't look after myself in a civilised environment... I can't do housework properly, I'm clumsy, I don't know the rules of things... I'd mess it up.
But then... I can't stay with Mickel and Torran either... their house is too small for me to stay permanantly. Not enough beds. But I'm quite sure that soon, I will leave Corvus Cinis... I will still visit just as much as I do now, but... I don't want to burden them any longer. However, I can't leave until I find a place to stay. And I can't live alone because I can't look after myself, and I can't live in the wild because I have too many belongings. What then? Maybe I could find someone to adopt me, but... there are orphans in all the cities. On the streets of Ul'dah, with the carpentry guild in Gridania and living as beggars and peasants in Limsa Lominsa. I won't find anyone. So I'm stuck at Corvus Cinis.
No... there is an alternative. One that may work. Yes... I could use my room in HQ for storage only. Sleep out in the wilderness, bringing a limited selection of clothing with me so I have protection, and at least 2 outfits so that I can change clothes and wash those I wore on the previous day. Because then, all I'd be doing at Corvus Cinis is using a room up... no more using up their food or their water... but then... would I really visit HQ as much? No... because I would be staying in the Shroud - Thanalan is too hot for me. Ul'dah would be too out of the way to go every evening, and then go back to Gridania again at night.
So i can't leave... and really, I don't want to anyway... i just don't want to be a burden, either. What I really want is a family. Parents. Or just one parent will do. Instead of having to rely on the off chance of bumping into someone in HQ to fulfil the roll of guardian for the day. But who would adopt a shy, wild, immature and insecure Lalafell like myself?... maybe Miyuki if she was maybe ten years older... but Torran's mother calls me awkward, and I've heard comments from Adders members...
I guess the answer to that is simple. I will never experience the feeling of having a proper parental guardian... my foster parents until I was ten years old don't count, because I spent very little time at home, and they were too old to do much more than the basics. I never grew an attatchment or need for them. I suppose the closest person I've ever had to a proper parent is Aly, but... no, she wouldn't want to have that role. She's got enough responsability.
I feel so lonely right now... I don't know what to do... all i can do is hope that someone comes along to rescue me from all this. Someone who will always be there - someone who can look after me without me feeling bad. Someone who for once in my life can make me feel like an ordinary boy.
Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-14-2012
Corvus Cinis... a family... yes, I understand, but... I don't know... it's a family in the same way as a bunch of adults who have come to live together as close friends is a family... it's a different kind of love... not the kind I see between Torran's family... the kind that makes me feel alone in the world... because I never felt love like that.
My foster parents were nice, but they quickly knew that I was too wild at heart for them to get close to in that way - they wanted to... they told me as much... but they couldn't. I ended up more being like a wild animal that couldn't look after itself so they were leaving out food for... only they were doing a little more than that... they made me baths, food, and gave me books to read and study. But it was never love. That was why they let me leave when I was ten.
But now the closest person I have to a parent is Aly... but she's got a lot of other responsabilities... could she ever love me in that way...? I don't think she could... professionally, anyway. She's running Corvus Cinis, after all... she can't care for me in any manner more than anyone else... although she does have some sort of relationship with Zenge...
So... what, I ask Aly to adopt me...? No, don't be silly Riku... that would just be awkward... besides, I'm not far from being an adult... although inside, I feel very far away... so then will I ever find anyone to care for me like that? Besides, I don't want to ask such things because... I've proved I can look out for myself in some manners... in combat, in survival... and as I can survive without parentage, and with it being such a responsability... it would just cause an unnecissary burden.
So that's it, then. The closest I will get to that kind of love is watching Torran's family... or my relationship with Miyuki, but that's like she's an older sister, I would still not know what it's like to be looked after... but in places like Ul'dah... I feel I need the looking after... to be taught how to act in a city... to have someone to come to with problems based on it... I suppose Aly fills that role at the moment, but... it doesn't feel enough... something's missing... I think it's that feeling of being loved in that way. But I can't force feelings like that on others, even if I do love Aly as I would a parent myself. Does Aly care the same way back? Probably not, because she's got too many to look out for, being the boss and everything... I don't even know if she sees how much I feel the need for such a connection.
Well at least I have Corvus Cinis at all, because I could have easily ended up not knowing them... and would have ended up staying in the shroud on my own, working for the Adders whilst watching other families pass by with their love, feeling none from anyone for myself... I think it would have been easier if I kept wandering, because I would have never learned about families in such a manner... I would have had no reason to long for one... and would have been content with the minimalistic lifestyle.
Maybe I should ask... eventually... but I'll build up to it... to reduce the awkwardness... and increase the chance of success.
Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-15-2012
Miyuki... why are you never around anymore...?
No matter when nor how long I wait, I never see you...
You don't need my company anymore, I guess... but I still need yours. I definately still need your company.
I can feel you slipping away from me... and I can only blame myself. Because you'd never avoid me for no reason.
What have I done wrong? What could I do to have you around now?
You're the only reason I even bother coming back to Ul'dah every evening... even Aly's not enough for that.
Well maybe I should just stay in Gridania from now on.
Or... maybe I should start later... because I still have hope.
Please... give me reason to keep coming back...
Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-16-2012
That person in the hood... Shiro... he was very helpful today. Helpful because I had someone to talk to... to empty my emotions at... the cuddle tightly. A complete stranger... and it makes me think... should I keep coming back to the one place that makes me feel upset more than anywhere else? Because when I'm at Corvus Cinis HQ, all I can do is watch the doors for the miniature chance that Miyuki might come through...
I havn't seen her in.. how long? Five suns? And then... when was the last time I saw her before that...? I can't remember... around ten suns, maybe... and it hurts... it hurts even more because the only other person who i can cuddle or talk to as openly is Alothia, and she's too busy to be around much nowadays. So I'm left with nobody... well except Leanna, but my relationship with Leanna is a lot less... deep. It's a surface-level friendship. Leanna's just not the kind of person I feel I can get deep with. Then there's the two brothers in Gridania... I definately feel a deeper relationship with Mickel than anyone except Miyuki and Alothia, but it's still not enough... And I can't come to him with my troubles because he's too young and immature to help me properly.
All these bottled up feelings...
Sadness from being away from Miyuki...
Sadness from not having a proper family... or parents...
Sadness from feeling like a burden on Corvus Cinis...
And there's never anyone around to help me deal with them... holding them in just makes me want to scream...
I'm still unsure about what to do about Corvus Cinis... I want to stay, but... every second I spend in HQ, I feel more and more upset...
And then there's this awful thought... the awful wish that none of this had ever happened... the part of my mind that tells me to forget everything and return to my wandering of the world, never to see anyone ever again. Because it is tempting to do.
Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-21-2012
Family...
I was right to be so upset.
I was definately missing out.
Family is like... like a great giant hug. It makes everything better.
Now that I have a new mum... and a new dad... I feel... happy. They are everything I ever hoped for... but having Miyuki as a sister... that isn't really any different from her being my friend, because... we were already as close as I thought we could be. I suppose I was right. But at least it means now I can hopefully cuddle her without people thinking that we're... um... on a date.
I can't wait to tell everyone the good news!
I wonder if it means I get a new second name, though... I hope not... I want to keep mine... because it's the only thing I have that's from my real parents. The jewel on my forehead was from when they died and I got taken to my homeland... a-and everything else I got is either from my foster parents who weren't really parents when I was really young, or from my time in Eorzea.
I just came across two Lalafell in Thanalan today whilst getting some fish from the docks to take back home... one was that Trelose person... and the other... I think I only vaguely saw them once when I was looking for Leanna with Eliza. I don't think he liked me though... he sort of scared me... I hope I don't meet him again... he knows Miyuki, though... and all her family.
I feel very uncomfortable around Trelose as well... he's almost as shy as I am... but he seems to have had a very sheltered life... he knows very little of the outside world... and he can't even run with bare feet outside without it hurting. I mean, I suppose it hurts for me as well, but I'm used to it. I practically lived outside for... well... for all my life, really. But the main reason is every moment is just awkward silence...
Re: Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell - Riik - 08-23-2012
There is so much to think about right now...
The imperial invasion... Dalamud falling... my new family... whether or not that Kou person likes me... Miyuki's worries... My jobs... Corvus Cinis...
Some things that worry me... make me sad... and some things that make me really really happy...
If only things could just be... normal...