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Married IC issues. - Printable Version

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RE: Married IC issues. - Valence - 04-07-2016

(04-07-2016, 03:45 PM)Arrelaine Wrote:
(04-07-2016, 03:42 PM)Valence Wrote: You should all just wait for the OP to have actually talked with their other half before going on crazy on speculation like that. Once you get proven that the other half is either 1) misguided/misunderstood or 2) a douche, the answer is pretty easy and clear cut and I think everyone will agree on it.
The OP has already said they feel the need to hide or go into offline mode to avoid them. It's not crazy speculation. It's not okay for someone else to make you feel that way, misguided or no.

It's not so much speculation over if it's okay to make someone feel that way or not, but speculation over the result of the discussion the OP and their friend should be having...

I don't think anyone argued against the fact that it's not okay.

RE: Married IC issues. - Kattoki - 04-08-2016

Lol things seem to be getting out of hand here, I have since spoken to my partner after everything. I am currently taking a break. Our IC relationship will continue but we are speaking to each other more about how we feel about certain things and such. I don't mind the speculation on my partner, but I am still friends with them. Finally thanks for all the support, depending out how things work out in the future I may break up or find a way to work through it.

RE: Married IC issues. - Maril - 04-08-2016

/modhat on
This thread has been cleaned. Please remember to keep a responsible tone! 
If you have concerns about how a thread is evolving, please contact a moderator or use the "Report post" function. 

/modhat off.

RE: Married IC issues. - Alothia - 04-11-2016

(04-08-2016, 02:38 AM)Kattoki Wrote: Lol things seem to be getting out of hand here, I have since spoken to my partner after everything. I am currently taking a break. Our IC relationship will continue but we are speaking to each other more about how we feel about certain things and such. I don't mind the speculation on my partner, but I am still friends with them. Finally thanks for all the support, depending out how things work out in the future I may break up or find a way to work through it.

I'm glad that things have seemed to work out. Breaks are great for re-centering yourself in RP. I hope that things stay on this positive trajectory.

If things don't seem to get better, it may be time to re-evaluate your friendship and the IC relationship. While it doesn't seem per se that this is headed into an abusive direction, sometimes those things creep up on you in game, and hit you out of nowhere. I've been there and done that before, and it's not a good place to be.

Just know that whatever you choose to do, that you have a support network of people who are willing to talk to you and hear your side of things. People who may have been there, and who can offer advice, if you feel that you need it. Looks like you probably won't, but if you do, know it's there. 

Smile

RE: Married IC issues. - kamikrazy - 04-11-2016

This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective

RE: Married IC issues. - ArmachiA - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 11:55 AM)kamikrazy Wrote: This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective

That's true of a lot of romance RP, it's fascinating on a social research level. The level at which some people get entangled in it is crazy.

RE: Married IC issues. - SicketySix - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 02:23 PM)ArmachiA Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 11:55 AM)kamikrazy Wrote: This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective
The level at which some people get entangled in it is crazy.
Is it though? I do not mean to insinuate that it is appropriate behavior to get caught up in an IC romance with OOC feelings. But when it all boils down to it, you are dealing with basic human emotions.

I do not condone such actions, but to me I find it understandable if someone is unable to distinguish between the two. Such as some people are unable to maintain the concept of "just friends" while others do not and want something more. The same situation between OOC/IC romance and relations.

It's just that some people can separate the two and see clear lines between them, while another person may not. And like I said, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I understand.

RE: Married IC issues. - LiadansWhisper - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 02:52 PM)SicketySix Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 02:23 PM)ArmachiA Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 11:55 AM)kamikrazy Wrote: This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective
The level at which some people get entangled in it is crazy.
Is it though? I do not mean to insinuate that it is appropriate behavior to get caught up in an IC romance with OOC feelings. But when it all boils down to it, you are dealing with basic human emotions.

I do not condone such actions, but to me I find it understandable if someone is unable to distinguish between the two. Such as some people are unable to maintain the concept of "just friends" while others do not and want something more. The same situation between OOC/IC romance and relations.

It's just that some people can separate the two and see clear lines between them, while another person may not. And like I said, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I understand.

I started out playing White Wolf's World of Darkness setting, and they always had various disclaimers in each book. They varied as to content, but were all very clear about this one point:

If reality and fantasy are starting to mix, it's time to put the books down, back away, and spend quality time in the real world.

Losing your hold on the boundary between real life and fantasy is bad . Actually, it's worse than bad, it's very, very dangerous. I'm not willing to expose myself to the inherent danger presented by someone who cannot differentiate between pretend fun times games and reality. That's the textbook definition of a psychosis.

RE: Married IC issues. - McBeefâ„¢ - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 03:00 PM)LiadansWhisper Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 02:52 PM)SicketySix Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 02:23 PM)ArmachiA Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 11:55 AM)kamikrazy Wrote: This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective
The level at which some people get entangled in it is crazy.
Is it though? I do not mean to insinuate that it is appropriate behavior to get caught up in an IC romance with OOC feelings. But when it all boils down to it, you are dealing with basic human emotions.

I do not condone such actions, but to me I find it understandable if someone is unable to distinguish between the two. Such as some people are unable to maintain the concept of "just friends" while others do not and want something more. The same situation between OOC/IC romance and relations.

It's just that some people can separate the two and see clear lines between them, while another person may not. And like I said, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I understand.

I started out playing White Wolf's World of Darkness setting, and they always had various disclaimers in each book. They varied as to content, but were all very clear about this one point:

If reality and fantasy are starting to mix, it's time to put the books down, back away, and spend quality time in the real world.

Losing your hold on the boundary between real life and fantasy is bad . Actually, it's worse than bad, it's very, very dangerous. I'm not willing to expose myself to the inherent danger presented by someone who cannot differentiate between pretend fun times games and reality.  That's the textbook definition of a psychosis.

The more I RP the more realistic Mazes and Monsters seems:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mazes_and_Monsters

I've had some bleed moments myself, and it never ends well. At the end of them though it's like "Oh yeah it's just a game", though it's hard to remember that when you're neck deep in drama.

RE: Married IC issues. - Lydia Lightfoot - 04-11-2016

In my unsolicited opinion, there's a difference between empathy and boundary. Boundary is obviously incredibly important to maintain - that which is real and that which is not real. Empathy, though, is human. When we watch movies or read books, we often find ourselves feeling empathy for the characters. Sometimes the warm fuzzies that a pair who are being romantic are feeling are easy for us to sit and smile about and feel a sense of our own warmth over, just in the same way that we can react as an audience by our own tears during a time of sorrow for the characters in the movie or book, and we can gasp in surprise alongside them, etc, etc.

But that's where the boundary comes in. It's normal to feel alongside your characters, but the line between the fiction and the empathy reaction, versus "these are my actual feelings", needs to be remembered.

RE: Married IC issues. - desmond28 - 04-11-2016

(04-08-2016, 02:38 AM)Kattoki Wrote: Lol things seem to be getting out of hand here, I have since spoken to my partner after everything. I am currently taking a break. Our IC relationship will continue but we are speaking to each other more about how we feel about certain things and such. I don't mind the speculation on my partner, but I am still friends with them. Finally thanks for all the support, depending out how things work out in the future I may break up or find a way to work through it.


This is a very responsible decision. I applaud you!

RE: Married IC issues. - LiadansWhisper - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 03:04 PM)McBeef© Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 03:00 PM)LiadansWhisper Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 02:52 PM)SicketySix Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 02:23 PM)ArmachiA Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 11:55 AM)kamikrazy Wrote: This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective
The level at which some people get entangled in it is crazy.
Is it though? I do not mean to insinuate that it is appropriate behavior to get caught up in an IC romance with OOC feelings. But when it all boils down to it, you are dealing with basic human emotions.

I do not condone such actions, but to me I find it understandable if someone is unable to distinguish between the two. Such as some people are unable to maintain the concept of "just friends" while others do not and want something more. The same situation between OOC/IC romance and relations.

It's just that some people can separate the two and see clear lines between them, while another person may not. And like I said, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I understand.

I started out playing White Wolf's World of Darkness setting, and they always had various disclaimers in each book. They varied as to content, but were all very clear about this one point:

If reality and fantasy are starting to mix, it's time to put the books down, back away, and spend quality time in the real world.

Losing your hold on the boundary between real life and fantasy is bad . Actually, it's worse than bad, it's very, very dangerous. I'm not willing to expose myself to the inherent danger presented by someone who cannot differentiate between pretend fun times games and reality.  That's the textbook definition of a psychosis.

The more I RP the more realistic Mazes and Monsters seems:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mazes_and_Monsters

I've had some bleed moments myself, and it never ends well. At the end of them though it's like "Oh yeah it's just a game", though it's hard to remember that when you're neck deep in drama.

Some LARP groups have what's called a "debriefing" after the game to help address the issue of bleed. A lot of groups also have "afters," where all the players go out to Dennys or Waffle House after the game to reinforce those OOC bonds. That also helps pull people back.

I have yet to see a similar solution for online RP, tho. It may be that the digital nature of the medium simply makes it harder to control bleed and re-establish friendship bonds between players.

RE: Married IC issues. - FreelanceWizard - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 03:13 PM)LiadansWhisper Wrote: Some LARP groups have what's called a "debriefing" after the game to help address the issue of bleed. A lot of groups also have "afters," where all the players go out to Dennys or Waffle House after the game to reinforce those OOC bonds. That also helps pull people back.

As someone who plays in a healthy and exceedingly political LARP, I can say with absolute certainty that the post-game, late night dinner around a table with your fellow players is a really great way to keep IC ugliness from turning into OOC ugliness. No matter how strong your IC/OOC boundaries are, a very intense LARP can weigh on you.

In online RP, one thing I've found that helps is having a shared OOC channel where everyone's active and chatty. Being able to discuss things openly in a friendly way -- and yes, this means potentially talking about your character's inner life -- seems to help set people at ease.

RE: Married IC issues. - Nebbs - 04-11-2016

"Debriefing" is not just an RP thing it is useful in any number of things where your attention is focused/blinkered. It is a way to reflect and review things.

I suppose the "special" aspect of MMO-RP is it is virtual, so there is no OOC feedback when you are immersed in character (body language, sighs, disinterest, etc..). You have absolutely no view on the other people's intent, feelings etc..

The important point being, don't assume you know and instead ask/chat/talk OOC if there is some element that you feel needs it. Just a simple, "How was the RP for you?" will switch it to OOC.

Not always necessary as I personally prefer just IC and see where it goes with the characters. Any problems or clarification though and I ask OOC.

This is not really about the right and wrong way to RP but more how to avoid issues, be resilient and respect those you are RPing with.

RE: Married IC issues. - ArmachiA - 04-11-2016

(04-11-2016, 02:52 PM)SicketySix Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 02:23 PM)ArmachiA Wrote:
(04-11-2016, 11:55 AM)kamikrazy Wrote: This entire topic is fascinating from a social research potential perspective
The level at which some people get entangled in it is crazy.
Is it though? I do not mean to insinuate that it is appropriate behavior to get caught up in an IC romance with OOC feelings. But when it all boils down to it, you are dealing with basic human emotions.

I do not condone such actions, but to me I find it understandable if someone is unable to distinguish between the two. Such as some people are unable to maintain the concept of "just friends" while others do not and want something more. The same situation between OOC/IC romance and relations.

It's just that some people can separate the two and see clear lines between them, while another person may not. And like I said, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I understand.

Absolutely it's crazy. I've seen FC's die over it, friendships get bulldozed over because of it, and wars start over it. RP romance is a dangerous road to tread and I feel like most people take it far too lightly. I understand the allure of RP romance, but many people don't understand the dangers.