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+--- Thread: Menphina's Keeper [Journal] (/showthread.php?tid=10558)
Menphina's Keeper [Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
((This is the IC Journal of Alothia Starkwood. I'm going to transfer all of my entries over to here, so it might take a bit. If you look before I'm done, that's cool.
The journals start before the Calamity and then take a break, before returning once Alothia returns.Â
Be warned, Alothia is a friggin' sap. She likes to write poetry and talk about love, so if it's not your thing, that's cool.
Any comments or questions you may have can be sent to me in a PM.
Please don't use any of this knowledge OOCly. Very few people get to read her journals.
Thanks!))
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Alothia curls up in her favorite chair in her small apartment in Ul’dah. It is late at night, and she has just returned from an excursion to Little Ala Mhigo with her friends. After the long journey, Alothia feels it necessary to write down some of the thoughts that have been plaguing her mind in the past few weeks. She gets up, rummages around the various boxes that litter the room, and comes back to the chair with her journal in hand. It is nothing fancy, a small book bound in brown leather with a delicate ‘A’ etched in the cover. She cracks open the book, smells the leather and the paper, and begins to write…
It is often so difficult to start a book off like this. I feel as if I should have some sort of introduction…but, I guess I know myself, at least enough to be able to not need an introduction. Journaling is cathartic, I suppose, as it allows insight into the current person I am through analysis, as well as a look at my past self through older entries. Do you know that I have a journal that I worked on as a young kitten in the Shroud that I still like to look at to this day? It is amusing to me to see what passions ruled my heart back then, things like “does Tybaltian like me?†and “I am so mad at mom and dad today!†Oh to still be so young and carefree. If only my troubles where so petty. But that is for another entry, I suppose.
Tonight, Taelia and I met up with a lovely but strange Miqo’te named Lulu. We got to talking about the events on the Garlean front, and I thought it might make a nice trip to travel to Little Ala Mhigo. Neither of them had been there before, so we all went on an excursion there. It’s nice to see that others are as affected by this group of refugees as I am. We went around talking to the people in the camp, and explored the area. We did come across a mysterious locked door that lead to somewhere. It must be somewhere important because the door is quite heavily reinforced, and the locks on it are quite strong. We all wondered what the door must be guarding, and why they would leave it unguarded in a refugee cam…but again, another story, I suppose.
Once we had made the rounds, we decided to sit down by the abandoned camp and take a rest before returning home. While we were there, we got onto the subject of what it is that we all do by trade. I, of course, am the owner of a successful business company. Taelia is working hard to be the best goldsmith in all of Eorzea. Lulu, apparently, was raised at the Ossuary and is working to become a Thaumaturge. The difference between us all is how we approach our lives, which finally leads me to my musings for the night.
I have found that my life has been a series of choices that I have made that made me the person I am. And the first choice that made me was the choice to shirk the values that I had been taught for so long in order to make a name for myself out of exploiting others. It is a choice that still pains me to this day. To think that there was a time that I wanted to take advantage of others is…well, unthinkable. But indeed, it lead me down the path that I am on.
My problem in my youth was that I didn’t really want anything for myself other than money…and that wasn’t really a want for myself, if you catch my drift. I wanted other people to work, and I wanted nothing out of life. I had no goals, no drives, no nothing. When I look at Taelia, and I see the joy that she earns simply from crafting a simple, plain, brass ring, I am amazed. I did not have that in my youth, and I wish I had. My parents wanted that of me, they worked hard for what they had, not because they wanted something out of it, but because they gained something in their innermost beings from being successful at something.
This apathy lead me almost to destruction at one point. I remember the day when I changed. I had come across one of my “workers†crying alone. When I asked what had happened, she told me that the job had gone bad, and that…well, I can’t even bring myself to write the words here. All I can say is that this young, innocent girl had gotten hurt because of my lack of concern for her well-being. I snapped. The little piece of me that wanted nothing for myself or others changed. In that instant, I knew, that what I wanted, more than anything, was to make sure that I took care of my people and that they liked me not because I was their boss, but because I was concerned about them and that I took the time to get to know each and every one of them.
It is part of my business model even now. I won’t hire someone out on a contract for anything…I know each of my worker’s strong and weak points. I know what makes them tick. I don’t resort to bullying or fear tactics (although I’m sure Zenge would like it if I did). Compassion gets me much further in this game. Plus, I look for people who are passionate about what they do. People who don’t let their ‘failures’ hold them back. People who have the same passion for their craft as I do for them.
And life is much more fulfilling now. I love my job, I love my company. I love being able to get out in the world and meet all sorts of people. If I had continued on that path that I was on, I would not have had the opportunity to meet with members of the other groups around Eorzea. And it is so much more…true to me, I suppose. It has always been inside of me, to be the kind of leader that I am. Sure, I still make mistakes, but I’m becoming better every day. I look at the lives of the people I surround myself with, look at the lives of the people that I meet on my travels, and learn a little something from each of them.
From Taelia, I’ve learned that maintaining a little bit of innocence in life is never a bad thing. From Zenge: Everyone deserves a second chance, no matter what their circumstances. From Jake: Always be a little irreverent and never expect anything. From Nana: Even when you look strong on the outside, there is still a sensitive person on the inside. From Rho: We all carry the burdens of our past, but even when faced with our demons, we can still change. And from this whole experience so far, I’ve learned that we are really the only ones who hold ourselves back. If we can face each challenge with passion and determination, it doesn’t matter whether we come out on top every time. If we fail, we learn from it, we pick ourselves up, and we keep going.
Tomorrow, I will keep going, and the day after that…If not for me, then for the people around me, the people who depend on me. At the very least, for them.[/font]
Alothia re-reads her entry, sighs, closes the book, and closes her eyes.Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Alothia returns to her room after a long night of dealing with company business. She pulls out her notebook and a writing tool. Unsure of where to begin, Alothia stares at the page for some time before finally nodding and beginning to write.
It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I think the last time was almost a moon ago. It’s funny how time passes and we lose such track of it. A lot of things have happened since then. Zenge has gone missing. I think that this is the most pressing issue on my mind. A couple of suns ago, Oskar, Zenge and I met up with Xenedra, Crimson, and Claus for a little gathering in Gridania with drinks and conversation. Aside from being an eventful night in other ways…Alothia smiles with the memory before putting returning to her writing Zenge happened to stumble upon a bottle, and then all of a sudden run off. If only I knew what was in that bottle! Maybe if I had pushed him for more information! But I didn’t…and so now he’s missing. Relani and I asked the Guard to check to see what had happened to him. They found blood and footprints, plus signs of Garleans. This is not good considering that Zenge is…well. I wonder if they finally tracked him down. But to hurt him? I pray to the Twelve every day for his safe return. I know I’m not the only one who is missing him. Relani is distraught as well. Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do to comfort her. But she’s a strong girl.
Then there’s Oskar. I don’t know what that is, still. I have feelings for him, but I feel foolish at the same time because I do believe that my feelings are stronger than his. He is young, I suppose. Better not to get too caught up in those feelings…but I can’t help it, really. I feel like there’s something there beyond that tough veneer that deserves consideration. Anyway, we’ve been working on learning things together, which is really nice. I’m on my way to becoming a master Conjurer, my Thaumatury skills are improving, and I’ve even taken up the lance. Things are a whole lot better when you have someone to do them with.
I do feel that my concern with these first two issues have taken up most of my time lately. I’ve barely had any time to spend with the others I care about, like Murivi and Taelia. And I felt so guilty tonight having to leave Taelia like that. I know how much she’s been looking forward to working on conjury with me. I wanted to too! But this blasted company! It seems like I’m always trying to clean up other people’s messes or trying to find a peaceful moment of myself. I hope I can make it up to her later. I know that she must have been awfully uncomfortable training with just Oskar. I’ll have to find some way to make it up to her. I know she needs more materials for goldsmithing…maybe I’ll try my hand at mining up some things for her to work with. I think she’d appreciate that.
I did get to see Murivi the other day, and that was nice. Although I am worried that she may have burned some bridges with Oskar. We had hired a mercinary…Harold, I think, who was awfully daft, and quite flirty. Well, you know who didn’t like that so much…especially when I made a joke about how I’m not tied to him. I don’t fully understand what the problem was…he’s said himself that he doesn’t want to be tied down. Anyway, he got mad, I felt bad…but that didn’t seem to be enough. So I was talking to Murivi about it while we were on our way to Cedarwood, and later that evening, she completely yelled at him! I must say, it felt nice having someone stick up for me for a change instead of the other way around. Alothia smiles. I hope she realizes what she’s done. I’m sure she does though.
I’m excited about the possibilities of the future though. I can’t wait to get started on our group leve runs, I can’t wait to become a master conjurer, and I can’t wait to spend more time with everyone. I just hope that I can rememeber where my priorities lie, which is sometimes so difficult with life being like it is…but, I do my best.
Alothia puts away her notebook, sighs, and decides to call it a night, curling up on the bed and blowing out the light.Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
The dreams came again, as they often did. She wasn’t surprised. After all, their conversation brought it up. Only…this time…it was different. There was more. And she wasn’t sure what it meant.
The first was like always. No faces, no people. Just running. The forest blurring by in a rush of air. She could smell it. She could taste it. And she didn’t like it. It set her nerves on fire. It made her heart race. She was running. Running from something like her life depended on it. She didn’t know what it was, but she knew if it caught up with her it would ruin her. So she ran.
Another flash. In her old house. She walked across the worn wooden flooring. She was there…but not. And then she saw her. She was huddled in the corner, crying. It made her want to cry out, to yell, “I’m sorry!†But she couldn’t. She knew this was just a reflection. She had no real affect here…she couldn’t change the past, and she couldn’t change what had happened here. She was compelled to move forward, to look at what she’d done. So she moved on. She looked at the woman…soft blue hair fell unbound about her shoulders, slender ears poking out. Her sobs racked her body as if her soul was being ripped out. And then she turned and looked at Alothia.
It was not what she remembered.
Gone were the eyes that were so filled with compassion, once. Instead…black, empty eyes looked at her, looked through her. She couldn’t turn. She couldn’t run. She just stared at those eyes and slowly drowned…
Another flash. The sea echoed all around her. Where was she? This was not some place she recognized. It was stormy, and she was alone. The water was black as ebony as she gazed across the surface. It reflected like glass, and yet, the only thing around to be reflected was her own form, distorted by the waves. The small boat she was in tossed and tossed until she wasn’t sure she would stay afloat. Wave after wave poured over the side, threatening…
She woke with a start and looked around the small room at the inn. There were no sounds save for the breathing from the figure on the couch. He had not noticed. All the better, she thought. It would not do to trouble him with such things. She laid back against the pillows, and stared at the ceiling until finally sleep claimed her, and she slept like the dead.
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Why are you here?
Lini…it’s been almost 10 years…
What the hell are you doing here by yourself? You’re only 17!
For what reason did you come here to this city? I pray to the Twelve that you’re not trying to follow in my footsteps. This has been a harsh life, one that I don’t know that you’re cut out for. But you might be. I don’t know. I haven’t seen you since you were 7. You were so young. But then again, so was I.
Maybe you don’t understand why I left. I barely do. It was so long ago. I remember the day that I decided to run off. I was so mad at mom…she had missed something else of mine…I resented it…
Ugh. This isn’t about me. It’s about you. I’ve missed you, you know.
Maybe that’s all I need to say?
Maybe you just came for a visit. Maybe it’s that simple, right?
Ah…who the hell am I kidding. Things are often more complicated than they seem.
I just hope that everyone is okay. Is mom alright? Is dad alright? Are you alright?
Alothia, frustrated, closes the journal and furrows her brow, thinking about what exactly she’s going to say…
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
She knocked lightly on the door, her fists trembling, her tail twitching, sweat droplets beading at the small of her back. She was not ready for this. For what this meant. For what this would mean. Twelve! She was nervous. It had been so long for the both of them. The crap written in her journal…none of it would help her once that door opened.
"Lini? Are you there? It’s me…Open up."
She heard the turning of the knob, and her pulse quickened. What would she look like, what would she sound like, her personality, what, what, what, a thousand whats!
The door opened and there she stood, a small, delicate girl of about 17. When she looked at her, she saw the resemblance. Same shade of hair, same telltale beauty mark…but the other features, they were her mothers. The skin, the nose, the eyes…almost red but not quite. She had envied those eyes when she was younger, but now…What was behind them was curious. She could not read them. No matter. It was done now.
"Um…h-hi."
The girl looked at Alothia for a moment and then dropped her eyes to the floor. She was obviously nervous, maybe moreso than she. Lini motioned for Alothia to come in and shut the door behind her.
There were a thousand questions begging to be asked, a thousand words that needed to be said. But they would not come. Alothia took her sister in a strange embrace, one born of longing, of needing to be connected to something from home. Lini smelled of home, of the forests, the earth. Alothia breathed in her scent and closed her eyes. Lini, taken aback at the ferocity of the embrace initially, settled into the hug from her sister as if she had never left. Alothia pulled away and looked Lini in the eyes.
"I am so sorry. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I’m sorry I…"
As she spoke, the tears softly fell. Why should this moment make her cry so?
Lini grabbed her by the shoulders, “It’s okay now. I don’t care. No one cares. I’ve found you! You’re still alive!â€
Why should she care whether she lived or died? Why should anyone care? It had been so long, so long…
Alothia looked at the girl, confused. “Why are you here? What did you come searching me out for? Why aren’t you at home? Tell me…â€
Lini nodded and began to talk…Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Is it wrong to want to protect your friends? But at what cost to yourself? At what point do you say, screw it, I’ve got to watch my own back, even though you care so much about them?
Loyalty and honor. Sometimes they’re the same side of the coin, sometimes different. I am loyal to my employees, my friends. They are loyal to me. As I mentioned earlier to Lainseworth, sometimes it’s nice to know that you are in a family of your own choosing instead of the one that was chosen for you. That’s what makes it so hard!
And then there’s love on top of it all. Love that makes us say things and feel things and do things. Glorious, lovely, exciting love. Love like I haven’t felt in such a long time.
I mentioned to Oskar that not all Garleans were spies, that maybe some of them would have their reasons for leaving. I tried to make him understand, to see what it would take to break a man…but he didn’t. I don’t think that if I told him, even if I could be convincing…I know he’s not a spy! If he was a spy, why would they want to come back and kill him?
Gods! How do I make this decision? I know I asked him to leave, but he was supposed to take her too! It was supposed to be simple! He’d leave, I’d tell what I knew, and that would be it! I could go on and be happy.
Instead I’m worried sick about him. I’m worried about myself. I’m worried that I’ve gone and bungled everything. What if it all came crashing down?Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
I’ve made my decision. It’s not easy, but it’s what I must do.
I’m going to tell him about Zenge.
But Zenge will be there, and we’ll tell Oskar together.
I just hope that he understands…
If I am tried for treason, and anyone reads this, please know, I don’t believe that protecting my friends is treasonous. I don’t believe that Zenge is a spy. I truly believe that he is a man who is trying to better himself, that he couldn’t stand for the atrocities that the Garlean army wanted him to commit. And, by the Twelve, if that makes me a horrible person, so be it.
I would be a hypocrite to not accept Zenge at his word. If people judged me by my past, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Everyone deserves a second chance. Everything is more complicated as it seems. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the shades of grey that we live in, the shades of grey that color our lives…
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Forgive Me
How does one deal
With the pain, when it comes,
When it all comes,
Crashing down.
Raining like fire from the heavens
Falling like shards of glass,
It burns,
It cuts,
It leaves you pained
and aching.
Do you ever wonder,
What it would be like,
To pretend it never happened?
To not have to make the choice?
What would I gain,
What would I have lost?
And would I make the choice again?
Forgive me,
For I would.Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Damnit. Damnit all.
I don’t know if I can mend the broken pieces…they’re shattered…
I want so badly to crawl back into bed and undo this sun…but what would have been worse, today, or tomorrow, or not telling him?
At least I have that…
If it would have done any good, I would have told him I was more than happy to settle it in bed…but I don’t want to imagine his face if I had said that…Already it’s too much to remember…the nothingness…
Twelve help me…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I can. Everyone says I shouldn’t bother…but…
I just wish he could see past this, see me, like I see him. It doesn’t matter what Zenge has done in the past…he’s my friend. It doesn’t matter. And Gods! I love Oskar. And that’s what’s important. I’ll prove it.Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Oskar,
What words can I say or write to make you understand, to make you hurt less? If I knew them, I would write them. If I could go back and tell you sooner, I would have. But I can’t do any of those things. I can only live with the decision I made, and for that, I’m sorry. I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to give you this to read, but I know that it is a step in the right direction. You suggested to me once that I write out what I could not express, and that is what I have done here. Maybe it won’t make any sense to you, but I want you to read it anyway. They’re my thoughts and feelings, and maybe it will make a difference.
Whether you believe me or not, I trust you. I was scared, and I couldn’t think of any way out of the situation I had buried myself in. I told you once that I wasn’t perfect. I’m sure you believe me now. I am flawed and faulty and not nearly as strong as I wish I was.
I don’t know what else to write. I suppose I’ll let the entries speak for themselves. I hope that in time we can get back to where we were, I pray to Menphina that that will happen. Until then, know that I love you.
AlothiaÂ
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
When I was standing in the rain the other sun, it made me think…why is it that I hate the rain so much? I don’t really have a reason, honestly. The weather itself is sort of depressing, like the Twelve are crying down on us. But it’s also cleansing as well, as if the Twelve want to wash away your troubles.
Relationships are like fine weapons. You must pay close attention to them in order to make sure that they stay in working condition. Be careful so as not to drop them and dent them. And be careful when handling them lest you hurt yourself or others.
It doesn’t matter how much you think you’re going to be hurt, because you will always hurt others more.
There is nothing quite so fulfilling as connections between people.
Lies are a strange thing. They have the power to hurt and the power to protect. It’s important to know which are which. What you may think is a protective lie may really end up being the most painful kind there is.
It’s so difficult to think of the ways that the pieces fit back together. You can start gluing them, but what happens if there’s a piece left over, or one that won’t fit? As tiring as it is, I know that I’ve got to take my time and be careful or I won’t get back to the start…Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
Insecure
I am insecure.
Seeing it in writing doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
When I’m not near, I worry. I do. I wonder if someone else is prettier than I am. Or funnier. Or dresses better. Or whatever.
I get jealous. And I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like I have to protect something. I feel foolish, and angry, and a little sad.
It makes me want to hate other women…not trust them.
Bah! It’s just frustrating.
I want to be more secure. I want to feel secure. Why don’t I? Why do I always feel like someone or something is going to come along and snatch it all away?
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
I don’t want to be someone else. I like who I am. Why do I feel like I’m being pulled in a direction I don’t want to go? It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Since when is what I am not good enough? Should I compromise who I am to please someone else, or should I stand my ground and say to hell with it?Â
[Journal] - Alothia - 03-12-2015
She sank into the steaming hot water of the tub, letting the water caress her, enfold her in warmth. Her head sank down under the surface of the water, and for a moment she wondered what it would be like to let it all go, to breathe in the water and cease to be. Up she came again, eyes closed, water dripping from her ears and hair and nose. It would never get any easier. This was a path that had never been easy.
She rested her head against the edge of the tub, smelling the scent of the oil that Madison gave her. She remembered when she gave it to her, how eagerly she dabbed it on her skin. Did he like it? That was all she cared about. The thought made her smile, slightly. Sadly.
Was this it? All the work up to this point for nothing? She didn’t want it to be. She heard them buzzing around her, telling her things she didn’t want to hear. Saying words she didn’t want to acknowledge. She knew there was more than what they saw. She couldn’t make them see.
There was tenderness there, and love too. It was in his gaze, his touch, the soft words spoken between them when no one else could hear. But they were not her. They could not see. They could not understand.
She ran the sponge over her skin, trying to wash it all away, but it would not go. She frowned and stood, letting the water drip onto the floor as she went for the towel hanging on the doorknob. The chill of the air made her hair stand on end, and no amount of drying would take the chill away.
She padded softly over the wooden floor to the bed, lonely in it’s solitude. She would sleep on it, if she could. She crawled in between the covers, and curled on her side, praying that sleep would find her, and that clarity would come with the sun.