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Lhei's Diary - Kismet - 12-04-2013
5th Sun of the 5th Umbral Moon, 1577
(10/05/13)
Dear Maha'to,
You will think that much of what I am about to write is not like me.
Something wonderful happened today. Remember when I wrote that I bumped into an old friend of ours several months ago? The one I had not seen in such a long time? We had heard little tidbits of each other from peers and neighbors... But for years, neither of us had actually laid eyes upon the other. Ever since I ran into them (literally), we have kept in contact. And now I can happily say that...
Maha'to... I miss you dearly still. For so long, I have been so angry over your departure from this world. Your life forcibly ripped from Hydaelyn by the hands of a woman I thought to be my dearest friend. I have become so consumed with revenge that I shut out many parts of myself. I pushed Thaumaturgy aside because it reminded me of you and opted to immerse myself, somewhat forcibly, in Arcanima and alchemy. I stopped growing flowers and began to prefer poisonous weeds. I stopped feeling. I did not want to feel what I did when you died. The pain of watching my little brother die is not something I could bare another time, especially after we had already lost our entire family.
There was only one solution, I thought. I shut my heart off. To everyone, to everything. And even I cannot lie. That decision is what cost me my friendship with Astrid, not her actions. And yet... I failed. My emotions never went anywhere, I simply buried them. Someone has actually managed to stick with me long enough to dig down deep and find them.
And for once...? I do not hurt.
I can feel again, Maha'to. Geometric patterns in a grimoire, toxic additions to some horrid brew, or setting something ablaze with the flick of a wrist are no longer my only focuses in life. Am I still the same old saucy Lhei? Quite so. I am no longer the shrinking violet I was when we were small -- a fact that he finds endearing and even attractive. He tells me that I am beautiful often, but that is nothing in comparison to how he makes me feel. He genuinely makes me feel beautiful, Maha'to. I can't explain it. I just know that my feelings for this man overflow, and sometimes, uncontrollably.
I am the same me, but a little kinder. Kind enough to forgive Astrid? Not just yet. But I was in a very dark place for a very long time... and I never want to go back there.
With much love,
Lhei