I remember the heat.
I remember the sound of cicadas buzzing in the back of my head. A relentless, percussive step that slowly tore away at the calm I tried to sustain.
I remember my knuckles ached… White and strained. The grip, a vice around the woodcutting axe I held.
I remember the blood. Gods, that blood. It just wouldn’t stop. It covered everything. It stained everything. It changed… Everything.
Most of all… I remember my sister, Ari’s eyes. So blue…So endlessly deep that the oceans themselves would be driven to jealousy. They were wide, a mixture of fear and confusion, as she lifted a hand to try to repair her torn blouse.
It too was marked in that crimson moment.
***
“You have a choice. Laike. One that will bring burden to you one way or another…†Mother motioned Ari to the back room, lifting the blood-soaked clothes from her diminutive form as she spoke. There was a sadness to her voice I had never heard before. She had been angry at me when I was younger… When I dared steal from our neighbor’s orchard. Or… Let loose one of our prize hogs in Ari’s room. She had even been disappointed in me when I had lied to her about my whereabouts on that quiet night with Rose. However, today was different. She was… empty?
“You killed the son of a very important man…â€
“He tried to….†I began with a rage I never knew I possessed, but she cut me off.
“It does not matter what he tried to do, Laike.â€
The cicadas ate away at the back of my mind as I tried to process those words. How could it not matter? How could it not matter that he tried to… Ari…
“We can go. As a family. We can run.†She lifted a sponge, letting the bulk of the water fall from it before slowly pressing it to Ari’s back.
My sister was sobbing, her shoulders huddled in, arms wrapped around her bare chest. It looked as if she was trying to take up as little space as possible… As if she thought… if she just held on tighter, pulled a bit harder she could disappear all together.
“However…†Mother continued, “You know Ari is not well. Perhaps in time she could grow stronger but… It would be hard on her. Or…†The way she transitioned to the second choice. She didn’t want to dwell, she didn’t want to make a choice any more than I did.
“Or?†I asked hesitantly. The inside of my mouth was bleeding, a metallic undertone seeping from where I bit my inner cheek.
“Or you leave.†Ari gasped. Mother put a hand on her shoulder as she turned her eyes from view, “Ari and I claim no knowledge of why you did what you did. We… have enough friends that we should be okay. However…†There was a long pause, “You couldn’t return. Nor could you tell us where…â€
“He tried to rape her!†I screamed, “He… It wasn’t even the first terrible thing he’s done, nor the first woman he...†My cheek seared as the muscles clenched, “Is there no justice for…â€
“There is justice!†Mother responded. For the first time she turned towards me. There were no tears. A testament to the strength that had built up after my father had died, after she had already lost my younger brother at birth, “First.. for those who can afford it, and perhaps second... for those who deserve it.†She uttered plainly.
Ari was sobbing as Mother placed a thin blanket over her shoulders. She lifted a tiny hand to wipe her eyes before tugging the blanket tighter to her form.
The heat was maddening, and doubly so the relative silence that followed, “I… need to go, don’t I?†I don’t remember saying those words. But… I’m sure I must have. They were the only ones to say.
Pride. In all the sadness that befell the room, that subtle hint of pride in Mother’s eyes was a beacon lit in a time of suffering, “It’s hard to believe sometimes how quickly you’ve grown.†Is all she was able to get out before that calm broke. A hitch in the voice. A bite of her lip and she turned away, “Here…â€
She turned towards a small pot above the pantry I knew well from more devious days of my youth. She kept her extra coin there, “Take it all… It’s not much but…â€
“Mother.†The cicadas still buzzed… but I pushed them away, “Give me enough for a ride into the city. The rest…†I watched Ari. How… she must feel. Does she blame herself? Does she…
“Buy some new fabric for Ari… Blues… And greens. She was so proud of that dress, but I’m sure another attempt and it will be even better…†I picked up the axe… both blessed and accursed, “And some red.â€
“You know she doesn’t wear red….†Mother responded, the seemingly insignificant conversation something to hold on to in this time of sadness.
“But I do…†I turned towards the door, a slight smile on my lips.
“And I want a new shirt for when I return.â€
I remember the sound of cicadas buzzing in the back of my head. A relentless, percussive step that slowly tore away at the calm I tried to sustain.
I remember my knuckles ached… White and strained. The grip, a vice around the woodcutting axe I held.
I remember the blood. Gods, that blood. It just wouldn’t stop. It covered everything. It stained everything. It changed… Everything.
Most of all… I remember my sister, Ari’s eyes. So blue…So endlessly deep that the oceans themselves would be driven to jealousy. They were wide, a mixture of fear and confusion, as she lifted a hand to try to repair her torn blouse.
It too was marked in that crimson moment.
***
“You have a choice. Laike. One that will bring burden to you one way or another…†Mother motioned Ari to the back room, lifting the blood-soaked clothes from her diminutive form as she spoke. There was a sadness to her voice I had never heard before. She had been angry at me when I was younger… When I dared steal from our neighbor’s orchard. Or… Let loose one of our prize hogs in Ari’s room. She had even been disappointed in me when I had lied to her about my whereabouts on that quiet night with Rose. However, today was different. She was… empty?
“You killed the son of a very important man…â€
“He tried to….†I began with a rage I never knew I possessed, but she cut me off.
“It does not matter what he tried to do, Laike.â€
The cicadas ate away at the back of my mind as I tried to process those words. How could it not matter? How could it not matter that he tried to… Ari…
“We can go. As a family. We can run.†She lifted a sponge, letting the bulk of the water fall from it before slowly pressing it to Ari’s back.
My sister was sobbing, her shoulders huddled in, arms wrapped around her bare chest. It looked as if she was trying to take up as little space as possible… As if she thought… if she just held on tighter, pulled a bit harder she could disappear all together.
“However…†Mother continued, “You know Ari is not well. Perhaps in time she could grow stronger but… It would be hard on her. Or…†The way she transitioned to the second choice. She didn’t want to dwell, she didn’t want to make a choice any more than I did.
“Or?†I asked hesitantly. The inside of my mouth was bleeding, a metallic undertone seeping from where I bit my inner cheek.
“Or you leave.†Ari gasped. Mother put a hand on her shoulder as she turned her eyes from view, “Ari and I claim no knowledge of why you did what you did. We… have enough friends that we should be okay. However…†There was a long pause, “You couldn’t return. Nor could you tell us where…â€
“He tried to rape her!†I screamed, “He… It wasn’t even the first terrible thing he’s done, nor the first woman he...†My cheek seared as the muscles clenched, “Is there no justice for…â€
“There is justice!†Mother responded. For the first time she turned towards me. There were no tears. A testament to the strength that had built up after my father had died, after she had already lost my younger brother at birth, “First.. for those who can afford it, and perhaps second... for those who deserve it.†She uttered plainly.
Ari was sobbing as Mother placed a thin blanket over her shoulders. She lifted a tiny hand to wipe her eyes before tugging the blanket tighter to her form.
The heat was maddening, and doubly so the relative silence that followed, “I… need to go, don’t I?†I don’t remember saying those words. But… I’m sure I must have. They were the only ones to say.
Pride. In all the sadness that befell the room, that subtle hint of pride in Mother’s eyes was a beacon lit in a time of suffering, “It’s hard to believe sometimes how quickly you’ve grown.†Is all she was able to get out before that calm broke. A hitch in the voice. A bite of her lip and she turned away, “Here…â€
She turned towards a small pot above the pantry I knew well from more devious days of my youth. She kept her extra coin there, “Take it all… It’s not much but…â€
“Mother.†The cicadas still buzzed… but I pushed them away, “Give me enough for a ride into the city. The rest…†I watched Ari. How… she must feel. Does she blame herself? Does she…
“Buy some new fabric for Ari… Blues… And greens. She was so proud of that dress, but I’m sure another attempt and it will be even better…†I picked up the axe… both blessed and accursed, “And some red.â€
“You know she doesn’t wear red….†Mother responded, the seemingly insignificant conversation something to hold on to in this time of sadness.
“But I do…†I turned towards the door, a slight smile on my lips.
“And I want a new shirt for when I return.â€