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Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:22 AM**

((Yes, Gerik's journal did influence this being here... however, this journal is itself a few months old now, it was just solely available on the Aes Sedai Tower forum. I just remembered the fact that I don't have it on the RPC, and yet its referred to in my RP Timeline (an Excel document linked on my character bio).

Now technically, this is not a journal. This is an OOC recording of IC thoughts that Riku has been having. I will post all previous entries in this thread.))

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:24 AM**

4th APRIL 2012

Riku is sat upon a rock in Coerthas near the Black Shroud border. His eyes, although covered by his helmet, are facing the sky, as if seeing through the Armet's very metal. He sighs to himself, pulling some Raptor meat from his belt pouch and chewing it slowly.

I feel so lost these days, so confused; so overwhelmed. There is so much going on - it's a lot more busy than when I used to just roam around the wilderness. I have so much responsibilty. It's kind of hard to keep up with everything that's been going on.

Come on Riku, you're a Serpent Corporal now. You can't afford to lose sight of your mission... oh but it's so hard, not to get distracted. I have friends, maybe even a family - they seem to be closer to a family than my foster parents ever were - and yet... I still feel seperated from them. Why is that? Maybe it's through my lack of knowledge in certain areas, or maybe it's because Corvus Cinis have a long history behind them, and I've only just walked in on it... a bit like an intruder really. The only person in Corvus I feel is the same level to me is... Miyuki. And I love her dearly. She is everything to me. If I hadn't met her...

Now where is the sun, I can't see it with this helmet on... I'll have to do as I was tought by my mentor - feel my surroundings... yes. there it is. It is still afternoon, going by its position. It's a good job my official patrol schedule doesn't start yet, because I think I'm going to head back to HQ. I'm worried about my friends now that Endri is moving - I want to protect them, and I can't do it from over here. What if something bad happens whilst I'm gone? I can't let Endri down - I promised to protect everyone!

Then that settles it. I'm going back to HQ. And I'm going to stand guard. And anyone who tries to hurt my friends will be stopped.

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:26 AM**

6th APRIL 2012

Riku is sat upon his bed as the sun begins to rise outside the window. He looks to his side, Miyuki fast asleep under the covers, her expression peaceful and relaxed. Riku leans over her and strokes her cheek lightly.

Miyuki... I wish I could stay here with you. There's nothing I like more than to cuddle up to you and hold you close... but I have other things to do. Work. Duty. I'm a segeant now; people depend on me. A-although I am a little scared... I might have to order people around one day... I don't think I could do that...

So I suppose I'll have to leave you for now. I will be back this evening, I promise.

The young Lalafell sits for a moment in thought.

I... I still don't understand why, but I know you like this:

Riku places his lips against Miyuki's cheek and gives her a soft kiss.

I wish I did understand kissing, though... what it means exactly and why people like it. But still - you say you like me for what I don't understand. For what I don't know. And you don't want me to change - so I won't. I'll stay as I am for as long as I can. I would do anything for you.

But now, I have to go. Be safe Miyuki. Don't get hurt whilst I'm away.

Riku cuddles Miyuki gently, trying to not awaken her, then slowly gets dressed, distracted by the thought of returning to the lonely wilderness once more, leaving his friends - especially Miyuki - behind until his return in the evening.

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:29 AM**

10th APRIL 2012

Blood. Death. Pain. Darkness. Flashes in my mind. Horrible flashes. I see hordes of dead; pools of blood. Men murdered - all by my hand. I see the blade in my palm, my arms drenched in their blood... I see horrible lust in my eyes, I see a grin on my face...

I pray. I pray that I never become this monster. I pray that I never ever grow to enjoy killing.

I pray. I pray that the war will stop, everyone will be safe. The cutting, the stabbing, the slashing... the horrible killing.... I pray that it stops!

I'm shaking. Heh. I'm shaking really hard. Monsters don't shake. Killers don't shake. I guess I should see that as a sign... but it doesn't stop me from feeling bad... about everything.

Maybe Endri was right. maybe I'm not cut out for fighting. Maybe I should give up.

Maybe I should leave. Leave Eorzea with one less warrior. One less person to protect Miyuki.

No... no, I can't leave. I have to endure. I have to kill. Kill and slash and stab and KILL AND SLASH AND STAB... AND

"KILL AND SLASH AND STAB!!!!!!"

Riku starts whimpering, unable to contain the emotion, clutching at his head, just wanting the thoughts to stop. The images to leave him alone. But they don't. They just keep playing again and again and again.

Make it stop... make the killing stop...

Make it stop...

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:33 AM**

15th APRIL 2012

Nobody's at HQ. Again. Everyone's always busy. So when I get home from work, I have nothing to do. If not for the fact that Miyuki spends most of her time there, i would have moved away by now. A different place to sleep, although I would still visit Corvus Cinis.

It's just... there's little there for me anymore. And even when people are in, they're distracted, and then Kass and Endri go off together, and Aly goes sometimes, too. If I lived in Gridania, it would be so much easier to get to work and then back home again, and if I wasn't part of Corvus Cinis, I would be able to concentrate on my more important jobs.

But leaving would be disloyal. I'm not disloyal. I'll just keep coming as long as they want me around.

I'm angry at Endri right now. He got Aly sad, and maybe Kass a little bit, too. But then I've been feeling a bit upset about Endri for the past few days, anyway. All he ever seems to do at HQ anymore is take Kass to the bedroom, even if we're in the middle of a conversation, or she's the only person keeping me comfortable. I think sometimes he is too distracted by Kass to realise what other people want or need.

Riku sighs and glances up at the ceiling.

I don't know why, but it feels like something's missing... something has disappeared from my mind. I can't explain it. And I think the others might be hiding things from me as well. Maybe I'm feeling paranoid, I don't know. Or maybe it's true...

Oh yeah, Kass put some jobs on the notice board recently, didn't she? They all seem to be about finding things. And I'm not very good at that. Besides, I wouldn't know when and where to start. I mean, I want to help, I really do, but... I just don't think I'd do good enough. And nobody else seems to have signed their name up, either... and few people are ever around... sometimes I feel that... that Corvus Cinis is slowly falling apart. I hope it doesn't, I really do, but... we just don't DO anything, really...

Riku puts his hand on the shaft of his harpoon, and grips the weapon, slowly lifting it up and getting to his feet.

I guess I'll go find something to do. I don't know what, but... it's got to be better than sitting around in an empty building. I wonder what the others are doing now... 'training'? From my experience, Corvus Cinis training involves just standing around one area and fighting monsters to their extinction. It's cruel. It's repetative, and it might strengthen the body, but it certainly doesn't teach you how to fight. Proper training should have a point to it. It should help people if it's going to be that kind of fighting. Killing monsters to save others, not just for no reason. Alright, the travelling of finding jobs like that takes longer than exterminating Antling nests, or fighting hordes of raptors... but it's surely a better way to fight.

I just hope... I just hope they're not training like that. Like when Endri took us to Coerthus to wipe out a clan of Ixali... it's no wonder the beastmen hate other folk... the way we treat them... we should be trying to unify the races to fight the Empire, not causing new wars to weaken Eorzea. But at the moment,t his is all I've seen from the continent, and I have no idea why I'm fighting to protect people like that... but my friends are here, and I want to keep them safe... I have to fight.... I have to protect them. That's why I joined the Adders.

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:34 AM**

18th APRIL 2012

Have I done something wrong? Am I boring? Am I annoying? Or am I just hard to notice?

I felt almost completely ignored last night. Kass may have said hi, and Rosa teased me a little... but other than that, the members of Corvus Cinis who were present at the ampitheatre completely ignored me. Nobody even said goodbye or asked if I wanted to go with them... I was just alone the whole time, doing a stupid job that I wasn't even needed for. Nothing happened whatsoever. Genna could have easily handled it. Why I was needed to help survey the ampitheatre, I don't know. Did they think that the crowd gathered for the event might cause trouble? I suppose war puts everyone on edge.

I guess the isolation was the reason I didn't return to Corvus Cinis that night. At least the marmots in the Black Shroud don't ignore me.

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:35 AM**

19th APRIL 2012

So I was wrong. But I still can't help but feel... isolated. One word. A nod. A smile. That's all it could have taken. Even a hello from Aly - sure, she was being "sneaky" but that didn't mean she had to hide from me as well, did it?

And buisness it may have been, but there were times when Kass and Aly were doing nothing at all. One word would have been enough. A smile? It's not that hard. I still don't feel better. part of me still feels lonely and ignored. The other guilty and mistaken. Maybe I'm just not cut out to have friends. Maybe there is something I'm not doing right, or I'm getting too sensetive over it.

Hopefully now they'll think I'm feeling better - my unhappiness will be ignored. Then they wouldn't have to be concerned anymore. I don't want to drag them into my sorrow as well.

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:37 AM**

28th APRIL 2012

Nothing ever happens anymore.

Nothing.

Nothing has happened for days now; in fact every time I've visited HQ, nobody's been around, except Miyuki.

And did Aly get my message? Is Kass still upset with Miyuki? I havn't heard from nor seen either of them. I hope that-

No, that can't be true, can it? Has everyone gone? Is Corvus Cinis closing down? I guess Aly would have left a note or something if that happened... unless...

No, that can't be true either, can it? That Aly-... no... maybe she got kidnapped instead? Or maybe she's just really really busy...

"Sergeant Toiiku, are you listening to me!? This is important information for your mission!"

"Yes, sir, sorry, sir!"

I do hope nothing bad is happening...

...I just wish everything was back to normal...

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:39 AM**

6th MAY 2012

I'm almost sad to be going back to Corvus Cinis today... staying with my new friends in Gridania was fun! Torran might be a bit bossy, but he's nice! He's two years younger than me, but it feels like he's a lot older... I might have the most experience out of me and the two brothers, but when it comes to social stuff, I just feel like... like a child...

And then what about Mickel? Well... I suppose I feel more of a connection with him than with Torran. He's eleven, but he's still taller than me, and... well... he knows more about people stuff and has better confidence than me.

And then there's their mother Aeraea. She's a Hyur too, but then of course she would be! She's a little stern, but she obviously loves her sons. She seems to like me, too, although she was a little concerned when Torran brought home an older boy. She changed her mind when she got to know me, though... said something like "us taller folk are brought up to respect Lalafell properly... just because they're small and cute-looking doesn't mean they're children! But you're an exception to the rule... I suppose you're still a child, but you don't act like a fifteen year old... I suppose it's your background... didn't you tell me you grew up in the wild? That would explain it... I'm sorry for being suspicious of you at first..."

Well at least it ended well... and I have friends who... well... Torran's as close to my age as Miyuki is, only in the other direction... but with him and Mickel, I feel I can do more fun stuff with than with Kass and Aly and Endri... maybe i should take Miyuki with me to Torran's house one day! Although she knows more about adult stuff, and she likes reading and sitting around like adults do... but surely she will enjoy it! The Acorn Orchard is a fun place to play! And Torran is very good at hide-and-seek!

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:41 AM**

10th MAY 2012

I don't know what to do... would Aly even notice if I moved away? The last time I actually saw her was... well... wasn't it that fashion show? But Aly isn't the problem... I like Aly, but I don't see her enough anymore for it to make a difference. It's Miyuki I'm more worried about.

She's almost a grown-up now. So she could probably move to wherever she wants to... but I don't think she'd want to leave Aly after Kass left... but then does she ever see Aly much either? If she does... well... if I left, it would cause problems... Miyuki would have to choose either me or Aly, and I don't want to force her to do that.

But recently, I've been happier working than I have been at HQ... Ul'dah is so hot and full of people who only seem to want money... there's hardly any nature around, either... without Corvus Cinis members around that often, that's all I seem to notice... the horrible atmosphere of the city. Torran's mother said if I wanted to I could stay at her house, though... and that makes the choice more difficult, because at least staying there, I would see Torran and Mickel every day... whilst at Corvus Cinis, I think I'll be lucky seeing anyone other than Miyuki at least once a week.

If I left, though, would that mean leaving Corvus Cinis? They don't seem to give me much work there... most of the time, when the company is working, I get left behind with Miyuki... so if I left, I don't think I'd be doing any work for them at all... how would that even make me part of the company? It wouldn't... but then I'd still have Torran, Mickel and maybe Miyuki... but I don't have any friends at the Adders' Nest... most of the soldiers see me as "that kid who shouldn't have been recruited in the first place". Fulke only wants me there because I'm loyal, I focus on my duties and I'm dependable, he doesn't seem to see me as soldier material, either... even the White Wolves don't think i should be there, and they're all young...

If everyone at Corvus Cinis were around more, I wouldn't even need to make this choice. But Miyuki is the only reason i have to stay there, now... and I bet she would move if it was the only way she could see me just as often...

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:44 AM**

11th MAY 2012

How...?

How could I word it without hurting anyone's feelings?

Should I even tell them how I feel at all?

I don't think I can.

I've been doing so much crying recently. Torran says I cry more than Mickel does. Well... maybe I do... but I've got a lot to be upset about. What I wonder is how everyone else cope with such situations without crying...

But I can't cope. Maybe it's because I havn't had friends until I met Corvus Cinis. They made life so much more fun... then they started drifting away. At first, it felt like they were slowly pulling me in... making me one of them... then it felt as if they just stopped and left me somewhere near the outside. And now they've started closing all the doors between them and me.

I don't feel like I'm a part of it. I just feel like I'm taking up space.

If I did leave... how often would I visit? Maybe on the days when I'm not working... but then I'd look in, and if nobody is there... I wouldn't want to stay around. And normally, nobody's in anyway, and I have to wait for a bit... that's the only time I ever see anyone, unless Miyuki is already there. So those visits would be pointless. I'd rather spend more time with Torran and Mickel than sit around an empty room for hours.

And then there's the linkpearl. Didn't Aly say I could always talk over it? That's easier said than done. That thing is scary to use. There's no way of telling who is listening, and maybe some complete stranger might be there... or they might answer... no, I don't want to have to use it.

So what, then? I stay at Corvus Cinis? That all depends on how things go. How often I see everyone. And whether or not I feel like a part of it, and not just some sort of burden.

Maybe it's my fault. I'm not good enough with friends to know what do with them. Specially when they seem so... different. So much more... adult. Even Torran seems more adult than me and he's younger. But at least he's not too adult... but maybe that's why I feel so... disconnected... because I just don't know how to get close to anyone except with the way I got close to Miyuki, but that wouldn't work with the others. They're too grown-up. Too grown up to feel the same about cuddles as Miyuki does... if only some other children lived at Corvus Cinis... then maybe I would be happy there, the same way I'm happy with Torran and Mickel at Gridania.

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:46 AM**

12th MAY 2012

Is cake... magic?

It does weird things to me... makes me feel all... energetic and playful. I would have never considered myself able to run around HQ singing about gloopy, wobbly jelly... and to think the idea of jelly-people started when imagining what it's like to hug a fat person...

Still... I think Aly likes jelly... she makes a very good jelly person. I think I shall call her wibbly wobbly Aly from now on!

Ã¢Â™ÂªWibbly wobbly gloopy jelly!Ã¢Â™Âª

I feel so happy this morning!

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:47 AM**

13th MAY 2012

Why do so many grown-up games involve those yucky drinks that make you act silly?

I don't like those drinks... not just because of their taste, but because it sometimes makes adults scary...

Still... I suppose last night was good, even though I fell asleep...

Riik · **07-16-2012, 10:48 AM**

6th JULY 2012

I feel weak. Powerless. Fighting my own mind for self-control. Every little shadow, every little movement... it brings back horrible, horrible memories... but I feel safe with Miyuki. Safe and content. Aly as well, but I don't really get to see her as much... and now I'm starting to feel slightly comfortable with Leanna too.

I'm starting to feel more and more able to beat back the flashbacks and the depressing thoughts, but I still can't bring myself to speak... I still have minor access to my voice, but I've only ever made vocal sounds under extreme stress... mostly screams and squeaks. But at least I've built up the confidence to produce simple gestures... things are somewhat easier now that I can communicate at least in some way.

I hope nobody notices that I've gone out by myself today... I don't want to worry anyone... just me and the marmots, out in the black shroud like old times. Away from civilisation, where I can be free of all the things that keep me contained... buildings, stone, rules, crowds, clothing... now it's just me and nature. But even still I can't relax. Even now, I jump at shadows and forever worry about my former captors... I wish these feelings would go away and leave me alone for once...

Riik · **07-20-2012, 11:38 AM**

Staying over at Torran's house was fun... Mickel was his usual carefree, cuddly, friendly self... but Torran... Torran was different. Less cuddly. More bossy. And I don't think he liked Leanna...

Torran's mum said it was because he was going through something called 'puberty' that makes... um... 'hormones' inside him go all strange. But Mickel said it was Torran's new friends' fault. Mickel even said Torran wouldn't want to go swimming with me and Mickel anymore! But Mickel wants to come with me and Miyuki some time... I don't think Thanalan would be safe for him, though... he's bigger and stronger than me, but he has no combat experience or any acrobatic skills... he probably wouldn't even be able to fight a marmot, let alone an antling... unless I can go out and persude Miyuki to come to the Black Shroud to go swimming.

At least I got lots of cuddles whilst I was there... Torran cuddled me when Mickel wasn't looking, Mickel hardly let go of me after I went into the house, and when their mother came home, she gave me lots of cuddles, too! Maybe I should bring Miyuki over to visit them... I think she might find the brothers to be a little... noisy and excited, but... she'll like their mother. Their mum is friendly, and likes things like sewing, reading and tending her garden. Maybe she could give Miyuki some tips!

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Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes