(12-24-2014, 04:23 PM)Edvyn Wrote: would it be helpful, then, to discuss the red flags in the best interests of people who have a more real interest in rping polyamory?
(12-24-2014, 04:32 PM)ArmachiA Wrote: It's definitely an issue. I think it would actually be a valid thing for Lili to put in her guide - concerns and such. People who only want to erp are everywhere in roleplay and if that isn't your goal it can be hard to know who is and who isn't.
You asked for it, you got it!
Looking for Warning Signs
Updated: 3/08/2016
Going to make the disclaimer right now that any sort of warning section won't work for every situation. I will be going off my own RP experiences and those I have heard and witnessed myself pertaining to others both in this game and in others.
Also, please keep in mind one of the most valuable lessons of the internet.
"It is a hit-or-miss game when it comes to inferring tone with text."
Meaning that sometimes what may be read in a offensive tone by yourself may not be what the poster intended. Take their word for it unless you see outright displays of aggression, or simply ask them for clarification. Sometimes even pointing out that what they said or did came across the wrong way and a simple explanation can do wonders.
Updated: 3/08/2016
Going to make the disclaimer right now that any sort of warning section won't work for every situation. I will be going off my own RP experiences and those I have heard and witnessed myself pertaining to others both in this game and in others.
Also, please keep in mind one of the most valuable lessons of the internet.
"It is a hit-or-miss game when it comes to inferring tone with text."
Meaning that sometimes what may be read in a offensive tone by yourself may not be what the poster intended. Take their word for it unless you see outright displays of aggression, or simply ask them for clarification. Sometimes even pointing out that what they said or did came across the wrong way and a simple explanation can do wonders.
OOCly wanting to organize your characters getting together before RP even happens: This goes beyond even the realm of polyamory in roleplay. I've seen it on ALL ends of RP and has usually been a pretty big warning sign. I had someone near the beginning of the summer keep chatting me up OOCly on a friendly enough level in the game who then started asking me more about my character. The more I told them, the more interested they became in them and the more comments they made along the lines of "Oooo she'd be great with my character!", "She should meet my character, they could hit it off really well". It goes on from there.
Needless to say, at the end of the whole thing I had wished I never RPed with the person and they have since been blocked from everything I ever had them on. While they were never a consistent RP partner, it was a sour enough experience that I have seen happen with others end in a similar way (mostly on WoW out of all the MMOs I've been on). Though the poor experiences usually only stem when it applies to the realm of romanticism and flirting. Interest in having characters meet or saying they might be compatible as friends and allies rarely applies to this.
Partner collecting: This issue is far more polycentric. Oh. My. God. Partner collecting is one of the biggest peeves I've seen people have when it comes to polyamory and the community itself, and is one I myself even share both OOCly and in roleplay. Now, when I share partner collecting it's like this:
Bob has two partners, Jane and Billy. Both are his Primaries. Bob then meets Jill and they connect really well and she is polyamorous as well so on she goes to become one of his partners. Jill has barely been in the picture when Jack and Amy join the fray in a short time frame. Then along comes Susan. And April. And Summer. And Ben. All in a very short time frame from one another. So now you have one person trying to juggle and give the same amount of time and attention to all of these people he wants to establish as consistent partners. Not casual individuals with a few becoming partners and maybe one or two going on to become a Secondary or Primary. Now you are getting these people with some getting hurt or offended at the fact they were given this impression of being a significant part of Bob's life and he's stretched too thin because he just keeps adding more and more and MORE people.
The problem with this lies in the simple fact that: there are only so many hours in the day and you are only one person just as they are only one person. Your character is only one person. While it's great to have the feeling of falling for someone and that sense of connection first being established, collecting people just to get that sensation over and over again leads to one big, BIG problem: What about your character's other partners? Those story lines? You can't fade to black or OOC talk out how the RP might have gone constantly. Some level of time and effort is expected.
Keep a look for this if you're RPing with someone who's RPing a poly character and you see this occurring or find yourself inadvertently doing it. It almost always blows up some how, usually in the form of enough people feeling neglected or mislead and tensions mounting. More often ICly, though I have seen it occur OOC as well.
Meet and fall in love right off the bat, get established, next please: Similar to partner collecting, this one is another biggie when it comes to poly RPers. Meeting a character who falls for your own character very, VERY fast. Things get established and comfortable, things are set and made, and then that character is hitting up everything with two legs in the Quicksand.
Now, some characters are naturally flirtatious. But if this is beyond what you might have seen before or when you first met them? Be careful. If it doesn't lead to partner collecting, it sometimes shows that a person might be more ERP centric. Especially if part of the 'love' aspect is what they strive for: the sexytimes. Or if sexual openness is a must in the rules of the relationship. Just like in real life, there are those who just seek to add tallies to their bedposts rather then develop anything significant. That's not being polyamorous. That's just wanting to get cyberboinked/ERP/screwed/etc. Polyamory is nothing without that meaningful connection too and with others and is NOT supposed to be focused solely on sex. If you're given that impression, it likely isn't good.
Where every potential partner is shot down by the one your character is already with: Say your character has their Primary and that's it. You both have each other and things are sunshine and roses, the characters are great, the roleplay is awesome. Awesome, yeah bro? Good.
Now, say that your character is well within the parameters of the relationship to be receptive to others and both characters are polyamorous or in a open relationship situation of some kind. But every time they show interest or vice versa, the Primary quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) objects behind closed doors or in public. The first few times perhaps they just give the character and/or player bad vibes. That happens.
But every single time? There's the good possibility the character is not actually comfortable with such a thing (sometimes it's also true of the player). I've seen some characters over the years played to where they claim to be open to such things, but when they end up with someone like that it becomes a very enclosed situation. No one is good enough or no one gets along or the players whine or the character whines, etc. Your biggest warning sign with this situation is when they have an interest and you or your character objects. If it turns into an argument or they insist upon it? Might be best to do an IC or OOC intervention with them privately about the matter, which ever applies (sometimes both help, but situations vary).
OOC complaints/bickering/criticism/changes: This is also one that broadens beyond just polyamory but I'm going to try and keep it very polycentic for simplicity's sake. Also, this is one that can happen even without giving cause for alarm but when it enters into more specific territory is where to be wary.
Needless to say, at the end of the whole thing I had wished I never RPed with the person and they have since been blocked from everything I ever had them on. While they were never a consistent RP partner, it was a sour enough experience that I have seen happen with others end in a similar way (mostly on WoW out of all the MMOs I've been on). Though the poor experiences usually only stem when it applies to the realm of romanticism and flirting. Interest in having characters meet or saying they might be compatible as friends and allies rarely applies to this.
Partner collecting: This issue is far more polycentric. Oh. My. God. Partner collecting is one of the biggest peeves I've seen people have when it comes to polyamory and the community itself, and is one I myself even share both OOCly and in roleplay. Now, when I share partner collecting it's like this:
Bob has two partners, Jane and Billy. Both are his Primaries. Bob then meets Jill and they connect really well and she is polyamorous as well so on she goes to become one of his partners. Jill has barely been in the picture when Jack and Amy join the fray in a short time frame. Then along comes Susan. And April. And Summer. And Ben. All in a very short time frame from one another. So now you have one person trying to juggle and give the same amount of time and attention to all of these people he wants to establish as consistent partners. Not casual individuals with a few becoming partners and maybe one or two going on to become a Secondary or Primary. Now you are getting these people with some getting hurt or offended at the fact they were given this impression of being a significant part of Bob's life and he's stretched too thin because he just keeps adding more and more and MORE people.
The problem with this lies in the simple fact that: there are only so many hours in the day and you are only one person just as they are only one person. Your character is only one person. While it's great to have the feeling of falling for someone and that sense of connection first being established, collecting people just to get that sensation over and over again leads to one big, BIG problem: What about your character's other partners? Those story lines? You can't fade to black or OOC talk out how the RP might have gone constantly. Some level of time and effort is expected.
Keep a look for this if you're RPing with someone who's RPing a poly character and you see this occurring or find yourself inadvertently doing it. It almost always blows up some how, usually in the form of enough people feeling neglected or mislead and tensions mounting. More often ICly, though I have seen it occur OOC as well.
Meet and fall in love right off the bat, get established, next please: Similar to partner collecting, this one is another biggie when it comes to poly RPers. Meeting a character who falls for your own character very, VERY fast. Things get established and comfortable, things are set and made, and then that character is hitting up everything with two legs in the Quicksand.
Now, some characters are naturally flirtatious. But if this is beyond what you might have seen before or when you first met them? Be careful. If it doesn't lead to partner collecting, it sometimes shows that a person might be more ERP centric. Especially if part of the 'love' aspect is what they strive for: the sexytimes. Or if sexual openness is a must in the rules of the relationship. Just like in real life, there are those who just seek to add tallies to their bedposts rather then develop anything significant. That's not being polyamorous. That's just wanting to get cyberboinked/ERP/screwed/etc. Polyamory is nothing without that meaningful connection too and with others and is NOT supposed to be focused solely on sex. If you're given that impression, it likely isn't good.
Where every potential partner is shot down by the one your character is already with: Say your character has their Primary and that's it. You both have each other and things are sunshine and roses, the characters are great, the roleplay is awesome. Awesome, yeah bro? Good.
Now, say that your character is well within the parameters of the relationship to be receptive to others and both characters are polyamorous or in a open relationship situation of some kind. But every time they show interest or vice versa, the Primary quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) objects behind closed doors or in public. The first few times perhaps they just give the character and/or player bad vibes. That happens.
But every single time? There's the good possibility the character is not actually comfortable with such a thing (sometimes it's also true of the player). I've seen some characters over the years played to where they claim to be open to such things, but when they end up with someone like that it becomes a very enclosed situation. No one is good enough or no one gets along or the players whine or the character whines, etc. Your biggest warning sign with this situation is when they have an interest and you or your character objects. If it turns into an argument or they insist upon it? Might be best to do an IC or OOC intervention with them privately about the matter, which ever applies (sometimes both help, but situations vary).
OOC complaints/bickering/criticism/changes: This is also one that broadens beyond just polyamory but I'm going to try and keep it very polycentic for simplicity's sake. Also, this is one that can happen even without giving cause for alarm but when it enters into more specific territory is where to be wary.
- If a member of your character's polygroup is constantly badmouthing another member for no real reason, be wary. Especially if the characters and players have had very, VERY little interaction or none at all. Even moreso if its a regular occurrence no matter who is brought in and there was no issue until after that person became involved with your character.
- If the player is constantly criticizing your character's choices from their partners or even fashion, be wary if it's a constant thing especially after your character gains or loses partners.
- This is a big one that I have had experience with myself: If after a change in dynamic involving another partner, if their OOC attitude BLATANTLY changes, be VERY cautious and aware. I once had someone throw a temper tantrum in FC chat over very small things that stemmed from their displeasure with the RP. Sometimes emotions get the better of us even when RP is concerned but it's never an excuse to take it out on others.
Will update this particular post as more things come to me or I get more suggestions.
