Avis
[a few blots]
She couldn't have been serious. As though I am going to let her get away with that~
Yet... [blot]
Well if Avis would go that far, even if I challenged her, at least I ra[a large blot, something scribbled out in a mess of ink]
But that doesn't matter. What matters is she can't be serious, and I am going to call her on it~ Eventually. Maybe. She takes such delight in seeing me unable to deal with her words at times, well I can't help but wonder what she'd do trapped in her own phrases. Would she really offer herself as a solution to [blot] those [spot] 'problems'? Would she really go on several 'hypothetical dates for scientific reasons' insofar as to study me further? Subject who she is to [spot] myself in that way? Is the Knowledge worth that much to her? I very much doubt it~
Though..[blot]
On a different note!
I think I won~ At least on one point. ... Well, I didn't actually win anything, really but anyroad. She is.. [blot] ever curious about me it seems, as I am of her, really. And I do hold any number of Secrets, not all that are mine to give. However she wants to know mine. And. Well, they may not be very interesting when out, they are still bits of Knowledge that are close to me. I can't let them go that easily, and certainly not without something at least equal in value in return~
She wasn't willing to give what I asked for, as I imagined. Many wouldn't. It's .. quite important. Which is exactly the point; I can't help but wonder if others give her such details so freely. Though I know that some would. . . they don't often realize the meaning, the inherent value, of what such things are to the self. ... Then again, they may not matter to others, perhaps. Perhaps she's just met any number of people whom it didn't matter to, which is always possible. Yet.
I feel that those who are wise, and have something worth holding, even if it isn't much in itself, but enough to tell about the one holding it... they are the sort to keep such things close. She keeps those things to herself, or even, perhaps, away from herself. Yet certainly not wanting them in the hands of anyone else.
To which I respect fully~ ... And also why I think I won~
As curious as she is of me, I have no reason to give myself to any who wouldn't value the knowledge for more than having it. Trade is required. Knowing me for Knowing you; and even that doesn't count for everyone, only for those... well. Who seem worth Knowing. I think all have Knowledge that is worth the time, something one can learn from, grow from, and likewise give in all number of ways. Yet..
Personal Knowledge, Knowing someone is different. It is the place I will choose. Only some will get opportunities beyond what I give in observed action. Even fewer still will take them, have the patience for them, be willing to [blot] show themselves for them. It's the only way it's Equal, and by the hells, for the first time, even in light of being on a surface, a place already bent against what I am, I'd really like to be Equal.
I doubt it will happen. But it is the one place I can hold out for it, and I won't let it go for anything less. The vaguely curious, the 'interested but for a moment', the ones who want to know to toss it to the wayside later, like a once interesting feather they no longer care to hold onto.. let them find someone else's secrets to toy with till bored. Even if the Knowledge isn't put above much else, even if it becomes a ghost, shifting shadows in the back of one's mind... I want it to have meant something once. Let it be something to have been learned that really mattered somehow. Something obscure, little value to most but maybe means something to someone, for if they really want it, it will be there.
Knowledge has an interesting way of being what you want it, or need it, to be at times. What one puts into it is what they get back. And I'd just really like what I have to be worth getting. But if even an equal trade is too much, not worth the time, the price, not worth to the one asking what it takes for the one giving it in the first place, then I doubt it'd really mean something, hm? I will give... but only what I think will matter. And I can never say what will matter to another, but posing such a trade is a good way to get a closer idea.
Not that I really.. actually expect the Knowledge to be that to anyone. That anyone would want it so much. I'm really [blot] just some mess~ But I'd always liked the way some Knowledge really means something, and that what means something can be any Knowledge at all, depending on the person after it. That a key was dropped by some rocks. The name of one's mother never known. The answer to a riddle. The last thing a child said before leaving the other day. A book title. A simple tale from another's life.
[spot]
It can be among those things too, right?
[blot]
Anyway. If she wants it someday for something equal back, it'll be there as long as I am. Meanwhile, I'm perfectly glad to be in her company otherwise. She seems to think we don't get along, though she's [spot] I'm fond of her.
Even if she seems to enjoy tormenting me, by the hells~
She got one of those gems too, actually, (I wrote the notes on a prior page) so perhaps the both of us can figure out what is going on with these curiosities.
- Comes from a family of brutal merchants.
- claims the story is rather dull
- Very curious about my past endeavors
- Though such things will not come simply from me.
- Offered a Trade of Knowledge
- She asked what I wanted.
- I said: "For the Trade to be at least equal… by all honest measure, what I’d like to know is something about yourself you’d rather keep hidden~ Something you don’t speak of, and wouldn’t speak of, to any but one you’ve a reasonable trust for, because, whether it will or not, this thing feels like its telling could leave you vulnerable.. or even subject to a change that frightens you~ That is what I need to know~ For something of that nature, that is clearly of that nature, that is what you will get from me, hm? As well as, I would hope, a relative respect for Knowledge of this nature to be treated accordingly~â€
- Conditions: Not to be spoken of to others (both).
- She did not yet choose to give anything, as such, for now I have won~
- [blot] She also left the 'decision' up to me.
- On [a few more spots] an experiment.
[a few blots]
She couldn't have been serious. As though I am going to let her get away with that~
Yet... [blot]
Well if Avis would go that far, even if I challenged her, at least I ra[a large blot, something scribbled out in a mess of ink]
But that doesn't matter. What matters is she can't be serious, and I am going to call her on it~ Eventually. Maybe. She takes such delight in seeing me unable to deal with her words at times, well I can't help but wonder what she'd do trapped in her own phrases. Would she really offer herself as a solution to [blot] those [spot] 'problems'? Would she really go on several 'hypothetical dates for scientific reasons' insofar as to study me further? Subject who she is to [spot] myself in that way? Is the Knowledge worth that much to her? I very much doubt it~
Though..[blot]
On a different note!
I think I won~ At least on one point. ... Well, I didn't actually win anything, really but anyroad. She is.. [blot] ever curious about me it seems, as I am of her, really. And I do hold any number of Secrets, not all that are mine to give. However she wants to know mine. And. Well, they may not be very interesting when out, they are still bits of Knowledge that are close to me. I can't let them go that easily, and certainly not without something at least equal in value in return~
She wasn't willing to give what I asked for, as I imagined. Many wouldn't. It's .. quite important. Which is exactly the point; I can't help but wonder if others give her such details so freely. Though I know that some would. . . they don't often realize the meaning, the inherent value, of what such things are to the self. ... Then again, they may not matter to others, perhaps. Perhaps she's just met any number of people whom it didn't matter to, which is always possible. Yet.
I feel that those who are wise, and have something worth holding, even if it isn't much in itself, but enough to tell about the one holding it... they are the sort to keep such things close. She keeps those things to herself, or even, perhaps, away from herself. Yet certainly not wanting them in the hands of anyone else.
To which I respect fully~ ... And also why I think I won~
As curious as she is of me, I have no reason to give myself to any who wouldn't value the knowledge for more than having it. Trade is required. Knowing me for Knowing you; and even that doesn't count for everyone, only for those... well. Who seem worth Knowing. I think all have Knowledge that is worth the time, something one can learn from, grow from, and likewise give in all number of ways. Yet..
Personal Knowledge, Knowing someone is different. It is the place I will choose. Only some will get opportunities beyond what I give in observed action. Even fewer still will take them, have the patience for them, be willing to [blot] show themselves for them. It's the only way it's Equal, and by the hells, for the first time, even in light of being on a surface, a place already bent against what I am, I'd really like to be Equal.
I doubt it will happen. But it is the one place I can hold out for it, and I won't let it go for anything less. The vaguely curious, the 'interested but for a moment', the ones who want to know to toss it to the wayside later, like a once interesting feather they no longer care to hold onto.. let them find someone else's secrets to toy with till bored. Even if the Knowledge isn't put above much else, even if it becomes a ghost, shifting shadows in the back of one's mind... I want it to have meant something once. Let it be something to have been learned that really mattered somehow. Something obscure, little value to most but maybe means something to someone, for if they really want it, it will be there.
Knowledge has an interesting way of being what you want it, or need it, to be at times. What one puts into it is what they get back. And I'd just really like what I have to be worth getting. But if even an equal trade is too much, not worth the time, the price, not worth to the one asking what it takes for the one giving it in the first place, then I doubt it'd really mean something, hm? I will give... but only what I think will matter. And I can never say what will matter to another, but posing such a trade is a good way to get a closer idea.
Not that I really.. actually expect the Knowledge to be that to anyone. That anyone would want it so much. I'm really [blot] just some mess~ But I'd always liked the way some Knowledge really means something, and that what means something can be any Knowledge at all, depending on the person after it. That a key was dropped by some rocks. The name of one's mother never known. The answer to a riddle. The last thing a child said before leaving the other day. A book title. A simple tale from another's life.
[spot]
It can be among those things too, right?
[blot]
Anyway. If she wants it someday for something equal back, it'll be there as long as I am. Meanwhile, I'm perfectly glad to be in her company otherwise. She seems to think we don't get along, though she's [spot] I'm fond of her.
Even if she seems to enjoy tormenting me, by the hells~
She got one of those gems too, actually, (I wrote the notes on a prior page) so perhaps the both of us can figure out what is going on with these curiosities.
