For the record, if anyone thinks and/or thought that I was one of those people that stopped hanging around here because I recently came back and got scared away because arguments/drama/tension/angry Eastern Siberian Brown Bears or what have you.. I'm not.
Really, it's just because of finals. I'm graduating. There's an element of stress and lack of free time there (Hence I'm posting at nearly 4am I mean maigod) which makes me proceed to think that, ah, I'm more or less relaxing and biding my time/posts until I have time... here. Which will happen after my immediate stressers (JESUSCHRISTTHISCAPTSTONETEST) go away.
I'm young still. I mean, young enough to still make a lot of mistakes. Logical ones, decision ones, social ones, etc. I'm far from perfect, I got my own issues, my own problems as I'm sure many of us have in life. I still haven't won against my demons, but I'm fighting. I still self-loathe myself often, but I'm fighting. I still make way too many mistakes in my eyes, but I know I don't always mess up. I have opinions, and I know some people or even many people might disagree with them. Do I fear being forgotten? Yes. Do I crave attention? Sure. Do I get frustrated and angry when I feel like I'm wrong or being accused of being wrong? Yup. Do I sometimes fall into a mental loop of always having to defend everything I do or.. who I am or.. my identity in general? Of course. But I know I am better off than I was even two years ago, and I did it in my own way by looking at things differently. Everyone has a different way of getting better, but I figure I could say a few things.
I wasn't gonna post here, by the way. It's difficult for me to have the desire to post in threads that deal with direct issues, even though I've read a ton of what everyone else had to say.
I've been roleplaying for about a decade and I have very vivid memories of stuff I've seen happen two years ago, five, ten... and when I was younger, I used to really just put myself in the thick of it. Arguments, issues, etc. I created them, jumped into them, finished them. All that. When this game re-launched in 2013, I was older, I was.. more experienced in this sort of thing. I have hurt people, and I have been hurt myself. But I still wasn't where I wanted to be, or needed to be. Not as a RP'er, but as a person in this community.
I kind of stepped back before I did anything when I came back recently, and said to myself... well I don't want that to happen again. And how can that work? Well... I just sort of, scrubbed all of the layers away in my thought process of why I do this and what I get out of it and everything.
And I just sort of realized a few things:
1.) I love stories and storytelling.
2.) I love creating things.
3.) I love writing.
4.) I love, absolutely LOVE roleplaying. Not just the action but the entire idea and philosophy behind it.
And I just kind of said to myself "Y'know, at the heart of everything, everybody I'm interacting with in a RP community love to do what I love to do." And I kind of hit a light bulb because I realized that I have a common interest with every living, breathing person on here right there.
Something clicked after that. All of a sudden, it was as if, for the first time, I was able to realize that going after what I truly want instead of trying to go after things I thought I had to have was the way to go.
Going back to me saying I wasn't going to post in this thread, it's because I mentally decide that it's not something that I would focus on normally because drama and infighting is not what I truly want and not how I personally choose to see this place as. That choice is everyone's to make.
Of course choosing what you see can't mean you can ignore what you cannot. So if I do participate, like I am now, I treat it as an unavoidable issue that I, in my opinion, will be able to create value for others with my input. That's what I learned in Marketing, anyhow. But.. stuff this thread is talking about, it's not something that I would learn to associate individual people/the RPC/anyone that RP's outside it with. In other words, the way I see the tension and the back and forth and all that, it's a state of mind. It's a temporary state of mind. Sometimes I still do it. I get mad/frustrated/what have you and say and do things. I have a passion for this, pride for this, and opinions for this, and sometimes that passion betrays me.
But then I eventually calm down, I eventually don't think about it anymore, I eventually move on no matter how serious and strong and hard my feelings were about the moment. Sometimes it's all in our heads. Apologies go a long way. Things are almost never as bad as you might think they are. If I was a betting man, if anything on this place makes you feel ignored, neglected, or attacked, it is probably not as bad as you think it is. I struggle with this too. But it's truth. Pure truth.
When that all goes away, when that's all gone, what am I? A person. I'm in the RPC. Why? Because I like to RP.
Who is the person I had drama with/argued with/etc.? A person. They are in the RPC. Why? Because they like to RP.
HOLY CRAP, WE LIKE THE SAME THING! THAT'S AWESOME!
That's what I try to focus on, and y'know what? I've had more fun on here than I ever had in 2013 when I came back for the first time. It certainly is going better for me. I am still a flawed human being with quirks and weaknesses, and I fail often. But, now my whole entire shitck is very basic. I'm here to tell stories with others, and everything else (friends, respect, phenomenal cosmic power, etc.) is just a bonus.
So I hope my rant makes sense.
And if not, then I at least tried.
Really, it's just because of finals. I'm graduating. There's an element of stress and lack of free time there (Hence I'm posting at nearly 4am I mean maigod) which makes me proceed to think that, ah, I'm more or less relaxing and biding my time/posts until I have time... here. Which will happen after my immediate stressers (JESUSCHRISTTHISCAPTSTONETEST) go away.
I'm young still. I mean, young enough to still make a lot of mistakes. Logical ones, decision ones, social ones, etc. I'm far from perfect, I got my own issues, my own problems as I'm sure many of us have in life. I still haven't won against my demons, but I'm fighting. I still self-loathe myself often, but I'm fighting. I still make way too many mistakes in my eyes, but I know I don't always mess up. I have opinions, and I know some people or even many people might disagree with them. Do I fear being forgotten? Yes. Do I crave attention? Sure. Do I get frustrated and angry when I feel like I'm wrong or being accused of being wrong? Yup. Do I sometimes fall into a mental loop of always having to defend everything I do or.. who I am or.. my identity in general? Of course. But I know I am better off than I was even two years ago, and I did it in my own way by looking at things differently. Everyone has a different way of getting better, but I figure I could say a few things.
I wasn't gonna post here, by the way. It's difficult for me to have the desire to post in threads that deal with direct issues, even though I've read a ton of what everyone else had to say.
I've been roleplaying for about a decade and I have very vivid memories of stuff I've seen happen two years ago, five, ten... and when I was younger, I used to really just put myself in the thick of it. Arguments, issues, etc. I created them, jumped into them, finished them. All that. When this game re-launched in 2013, I was older, I was.. more experienced in this sort of thing. I have hurt people, and I have been hurt myself. But I still wasn't where I wanted to be, or needed to be. Not as a RP'er, but as a person in this community.
I kind of stepped back before I did anything when I came back recently, and said to myself... well I don't want that to happen again. And how can that work? Well... I just sort of, scrubbed all of the layers away in my thought process of why I do this and what I get out of it and everything.
And I just sort of realized a few things:
1.) I love stories and storytelling.
2.) I love creating things.
3.) I love writing.
4.) I love, absolutely LOVE roleplaying. Not just the action but the entire idea and philosophy behind it.
And I just kind of said to myself "Y'know, at the heart of everything, everybody I'm interacting with in a RP community love to do what I love to do." And I kind of hit a light bulb because I realized that I have a common interest with every living, breathing person on here right there.
Something clicked after that. All of a sudden, it was as if, for the first time, I was able to realize that going after what I truly want instead of trying to go after things I thought I had to have was the way to go.
Going back to me saying I wasn't going to post in this thread, it's because I mentally decide that it's not something that I would focus on normally because drama and infighting is not what I truly want and not how I personally choose to see this place as. That choice is everyone's to make.
Of course choosing what you see can't mean you can ignore what you cannot. So if I do participate, like I am now, I treat it as an unavoidable issue that I, in my opinion, will be able to create value for others with my input. That's what I learned in Marketing, anyhow. But.. stuff this thread is talking about, it's not something that I would learn to associate individual people/the RPC/anyone that RP's outside it with. In other words, the way I see the tension and the back and forth and all that, it's a state of mind. It's a temporary state of mind. Sometimes I still do it. I get mad/frustrated/what have you and say and do things. I have a passion for this, pride for this, and opinions for this, and sometimes that passion betrays me.
But then I eventually calm down, I eventually don't think about it anymore, I eventually move on no matter how serious and strong and hard my feelings were about the moment. Sometimes it's all in our heads. Apologies go a long way. Things are almost never as bad as you might think they are. If I was a betting man, if anything on this place makes you feel ignored, neglected, or attacked, it is probably not as bad as you think it is. I struggle with this too. But it's truth. Pure truth.
When that all goes away, when that's all gone, what am I? A person. I'm in the RPC. Why? Because I like to RP.
Who is the person I had drama with/argued with/etc.? A person. They are in the RPC. Why? Because they like to RP.
HOLY CRAP, WE LIKE THE SAME THING! THAT'S AWESOME!
That's what I try to focus on, and y'know what? I've had more fun on here than I ever had in 2013 when I came back for the first time. It certainly is going better for me. I am still a flawed human being with quirks and weaknesses, and I fail often. But, now my whole entire shitck is very basic. I'm here to tell stories with others, and everything else (friends, respect, phenomenal cosmic power, etc.) is just a bonus.
So I hope my rant makes sense.
And if not, then I at least tried.![[Image: 8wQ4Jkf.png?2]](http://i.imgur.com/8wQ4Jkf.png?2)
![[Image: orVQTe3.png?1]](http://i.imgur.com/orVQTe3.png?1)
