Well, I took a look at your personality block there, Zhavi. I've never considered myself the best writer or critique-r, but I'll give it my best shot.
First and foremost, the flow on this first paragraph seems... off? Almost conflicting. It opens with how Zhi is so social and likes making contacts, but then does a heel-turn and states how - despite being social - she will walk out on "useless" conversation. It makes... sense? But also seems a bit jarring for me.
I'd add something to smooth the flow. Such as "However, that doesn't mean she'll gab with anyone about anything - if there's nothing worth her time, she's not above leaving a conversation right in the middle of it." Something like that.
This one is equally awkward. It reads to me as "She doesn't hide expressions, but this is how she hides her expressions." Perhaps something more along the lines of "While she's not the sort of person to hide her expressions, she still disguises her true intentions and thoughts behind a veil of over-exaggerated emotion."
I will say, though, that I love the bit on her views on religion. She's all "yeah, yeah, they're there" and doesn't give them much thought... until she really needs their help. I can totally see her going with the old standby quote of "God, I've never asked you for nothin', but..." when in a desperate plea to the Heavens.
Um... I hope that works? I really haven't done much work in constructive criticism since... high school or so? So I hope what I said makes sense.
As for what I'd like critiqued, while I'd love some overall feedback on my Gogon story, I know that's asking a bit much (and against the stated rules, no less!). So, could someone look over the latest bit I posted not too long ago and let me know what you think? I... kinda feel like I'm overplaying Gogon's paranoia a bit, but I'd like some honest feedback.
Quote:Zhi is social. Zhi is so social she could make your teeth hurt from the meaningless patter that leaves her mouth. She's all about making contacts and collecting information and potential employers. As such, she only makes for a good listener when there's something in it for her, and is not above leaving mid-conversation should she determine nothing worth her time is forthcoming. Still, she knows her own version of polite (though her manners never quite rise above street), and is capable of being some sort of sweet when she works at it.
First and foremost, the flow on this first paragraph seems... off? Almost conflicting. It opens with how Zhi is so social and likes making contacts, but then does a heel-turn and states how - despite being social - she will walk out on "useless" conversation. It makes... sense? But also seems a bit jarring for me.
I'd add something to smooth the flow. Such as "However, that doesn't mean she'll gab with anyone about anything - if there's nothing worth her time, she's not above leaving a conversation right in the middle of it." Something like that.
Quote:She's not the sort of person to hide her expressions, choosing to keep what she's really thinking and feeling hidden behind a veil of over-exaggerated emotion.
This one is equally awkward. It reads to me as "She doesn't hide expressions, but this is how she hides her expressions." Perhaps something more along the lines of "While she's not the sort of person to hide her expressions, she still disguises her true intentions and thoughts behind a veil of over-exaggerated emotion."
I will say, though, that I love the bit on her views on religion. She's all "yeah, yeah, they're there" and doesn't give them much thought... until she really needs their help. I can totally see her going with the old standby quote of "God, I've never asked you for nothin', but..." when in a desperate plea to the Heavens.
Um... I hope that works? I really haven't done much work in constructive criticism since... high school or so? So I hope what I said makes sense.
As for what I'd like critiqued, while I'd love some overall feedback on my Gogon story, I know that's asking a bit much (and against the stated rules, no less!). So, could someone look over the latest bit I posted not too long ago and let me know what you think? I... kinda feel like I'm overplaying Gogon's paranoia a bit, but I'd like some honest feedback.
~