“...What form will that atonement take, if I fail?"
“Will we? Truly listen to each other?†Roen met his gaze, her coiled frame losing some of its earlier uneasiness. “You wanted me to admit to your truth. And I wanted you to admit mine. Would we be here now if we had just met in the middle?â€
The paladin bowed her gaze, sadness tugging at the fringes of her thoughts. But she chased it away. "Perhaps you are right, and there is no better way. No way to incite such a change, to end the suffering quickly, without violence and extreme actions. But you started it. You took lives. You set in motion plans to bath streets in blood. And then...nothing." She swept her hand toward him. "You gave up on your plans, and now you flee. A part of myself...I braced for it. Somewhere within, I knew the storm was coming. I warned others what might happen."
Roen closed her hand, quelling the anger that also threatened to rise. She was not here for vengeance, she was not here for regrets. She was here for justice. She had to remind herself of why she came. "And after all that, there was nothing. And now here you are. You have given your plans to someone who will put a stop to them.†Her expression turned steely. “After all is said and done, what were those deaths for?"
Nero paused in thought. "Those deaths were for hope. The hope for something better. A better future. The kind of hope that is worth killing for. But now?†He waved an arm. “Now, the most I can do is to adjust the intention. Cut my losses. Simply put -- those deaths were made in order to make a point.â€
“...A point?!†The paladin gritted her teeth.
Those blue eyes sharply turned to her. “It was a message, not to the Monetarists, or the Sultana, but to people like you, and Crofte, and Melkire, and the innocents you claim to protect. It was a message that if you would not strive for a better future, if you would not openly resist tyranny and corruption, if you simply stood by and allowed things to reach the breaking point -- then someone else would rebel. Someone like me would emerge, and armed with nothing but a bloody past, a skewed perspective and raw, blind fanaticism, we would make the changes you could not." He paused again, his head bowing to look to his hand. “It was for hope, and a future,†he repeated softly before his gaze hardened. “A future that's been quite handily squashed, for which you are to be commended.â€
“Always blaming someone else.†She snapped. “When you buckled under your own realization that methods did matter. The end did not justify all means. You sabotaged yourself.†Roen’s nostrils flared with indignation that she could not keep in check. But before she could continue, Kiht stepped up in between them.
"One person's hope can be another person's curse.†The miqo’te scowled at the smuggler. “A hope is not always justified. All I have ever seen in this is a war. There is not good or evil side. Just two side who can not, or will not, compromise."
"That is a very rational perspective, miss.†Nero glanced at the Keeper from the corner of his eyes. “I'm rather sorrowful that we did not meet sooner; your shades of grey would have brought valuable clarity." He sighed. “In any case, you are completely right. It was…is…a mistake to paint this as an issue of black and white, of ‘us’ and ‘them’, of ‘good’ versus ‘bad’. The mistake was in thinking either side was ‘good’, because really, there are only ever ‘bad’ sides. But sometimes those sides are against one another.â€
Roen closed her hands into tight fists by her side. “"I thought...there was a part of you that mourned those lives you took. That wanted to make it all worth something. But if lives were taken for a cause that failed, and now you just justify those losses to make a point..." She inhaled deeply, her voice growing quieter with a demand. "What is our atonement?"
"You think I don't mourn the lives I took?†It was his turn to look indignant. “You truly believe I am that heartless? Roen, if I were that heartless, would I have done all of this for the sake of my fellows who live in destitution and squalor? The rest of our lives, from this moment forth is our atonement. Whenever we close our eyes and see the faces of the people we’ve killed, that is our atonement. Whenever we walk Ul’dah’s streets and see the Monetarists, the Blades, the bandits running roughshod, and we think about raising our swords, only to remember that we cannot stop them or change them…that is our atonement."
“That is a coward’s response,†Roen retorted. “That is the answer of someone who is…cutting his losses and running. You too have thrown in with the rest of us that you blame for your failure. I believed in your vision. I believed we could have made a difference.â€
“But you didn’t want any part of the sacrifices that needed to be made! You couldn’t imagine harm coming to women and children, when women and children are in harm’s way, every day!†He seethed. "I could have gorged myself on a life free of hardship or sorrow, and simply forgotten those I had left behind. I chose not to. And perhaps that was the wrong choice. Perhaps when the lights are off and the swords are out, the correct answer is apathy."
“Your plan is forcing things on people who want no part of it.†Kiht shook her head. “There are those who are just people trying to make a peaceful living, and you would have them dragged into this."
“You are entirely correct, Jakkya. And therein lies the problem, no? What difference exists between a man who commits evil, and a man who fails to prevents evil from happening?"
"So where does it end?†Roen glared at him. “A man who commits evil, and another man who does nothing to stop evil, and then those who will commit evil to fight evil. Where does it all end? It does not. The world burns in darkness because nothing else matters. You have condemned everyone."
"And that is the paradox,†Nero sighed. “Will you commit evil to destroy evil, or remain righteous and just even if that means surrendering to evil? In either case, evil remains."
"This paradox...does not save the world, Nero.†Her words were barely a whisper. “It saves no one."
"I do not need it to save the world," the pirate snapped. "I only need it to save those who were never given the opportunity to save themselves."
"There is turning a blind eye, and then there is helping in the best way,†Kiht protested. Roen could tell from her tone that there was a part of her that believed that Nero might be convinced in this. Roen knew better now. “Donate gil, food, shelter. Give what you can, but going to these lengths is beyond a moral line that you did not care enough to cross."
"Do not presume to know me or my actions.†The smuggler shot the Keeper a sharp look. “Do not presume to know what kind of city Ul'dah is, to know what kind of ruler the Syndicate is. Benevolence is not always an immediate blessing. You think such solutions have never crossed my mind? You think I’ve never tried such things before reaching this extreme?"
Nero turned his gaze on Roen. "Do you recall the little girl? What happened when the man gave her gil, out of the kindness of his heart? Where did such kindness lead her?"
The paladin blinked. She recalled that story still, so clearly. The one of the girl with hope, and the man who had given her the gil. Nero had been that man, and the girl’s death had haunted him since. She could still see the ghost of regret in his eyes whenever he spoke of her.
Her gaze softened little as she answered him. "The man had benevolence then. And it lightened the girl's heart if only for a bell. If she had but taken a right turn rather than left, if she had maybe found a kind sister rather than the Blades...perhaps her life would have been different. Perhaps she would have remembered that man's kindness and it would have bloomed in her heart so she would return it later ten fold to another child." Roen’s composure faltered for a moment. "It was not the man's fault what happened. It was not his kindness that condemned her."
Nero would not be moved, his pale eyes growing cold with fury. "But she ended up dead in a ditch the next day. What you wish would have happened, what might have happened, will never erase what did happen. To assume that the only choice in any situation is benevolence, to believe that a good act with good intentions is incapable of causing harm and suffering, that is the worst kind of ignorance."
“As is believing so firmly that the darkness is your only option.†Roen frowned again. How had she believed that there was hope within him to be something better? When he had already so thoroughly condemned it in his mind?
"At one point, I might have even agreed with you about my own naivete.†Nero exhaled. “The truth is, Nero Lazarov is nothing more than the sum of his circumstances and experiences. He never chose this life. He never chose to have such a skewed perspective of the world. Was it his fault to be born penniless in a city where wealth was everything? Was it his fault that the suffering he endured twisted his sorrow into anger, even hatred? Was it his fault that his attempts at peace, his attempts at a docile salvation for those he cared about, was it his fault that they failed? Perhaps."
He fell quiet for a moment, his expression turned pensive. "Being a victim perhaps does not excuse what he -- what I -- have done, or intended to do. But the truth of it is that I am nothing but the product of my past. Would a kinder and gentler Nero Lazarov have been better for this world, for Ul'dah?"
"And this Nero Lazarov,†Roen eyed the man, almost accusingly. “Has he been better for this world? For Ul'dah?"
The paladin was met with a cold stare from beneath the hood of his robe. "Of course not. But who we want to be is often very different from who we must be, and in the end, this is the Nero who survived.â€
“I do not know how the kinder, gentler Nero Lazarov would have fared.†Roen forcibly dismissed the wistful sadness that rose at the thought. Instead she fixed her gaze on him, her own words slowly turning grim. "But the man that did survive has killed many. He has incited riots. I cannot allow you to do that again."
“Will we? Truly listen to each other?†Roen met his gaze, her coiled frame losing some of its earlier uneasiness. “You wanted me to admit to your truth. And I wanted you to admit mine. Would we be here now if we had just met in the middle?â€
The paladin bowed her gaze, sadness tugging at the fringes of her thoughts. But she chased it away. "Perhaps you are right, and there is no better way. No way to incite such a change, to end the suffering quickly, without violence and extreme actions. But you started it. You took lives. You set in motion plans to bath streets in blood. And then...nothing." She swept her hand toward him. "You gave up on your plans, and now you flee. A part of myself...I braced for it. Somewhere within, I knew the storm was coming. I warned others what might happen."
Roen closed her hand, quelling the anger that also threatened to rise. She was not here for vengeance, she was not here for regrets. She was here for justice. She had to remind herself of why she came. "And after all that, there was nothing. And now here you are. You have given your plans to someone who will put a stop to them.†Her expression turned steely. “After all is said and done, what were those deaths for?"
Nero paused in thought. "Those deaths were for hope. The hope for something better. A better future. The kind of hope that is worth killing for. But now?†He waved an arm. “Now, the most I can do is to adjust the intention. Cut my losses. Simply put -- those deaths were made in order to make a point.â€
“...A point?!†The paladin gritted her teeth.
Those blue eyes sharply turned to her. “It was a message, not to the Monetarists, or the Sultana, but to people like you, and Crofte, and Melkire, and the innocents you claim to protect. It was a message that if you would not strive for a better future, if you would not openly resist tyranny and corruption, if you simply stood by and allowed things to reach the breaking point -- then someone else would rebel. Someone like me would emerge, and armed with nothing but a bloody past, a skewed perspective and raw, blind fanaticism, we would make the changes you could not." He paused again, his head bowing to look to his hand. “It was for hope, and a future,†he repeated softly before his gaze hardened. “A future that's been quite handily squashed, for which you are to be commended.â€
“Always blaming someone else.†She snapped. “When you buckled under your own realization that methods did matter. The end did not justify all means. You sabotaged yourself.†Roen’s nostrils flared with indignation that she could not keep in check. But before she could continue, Kiht stepped up in between them.
"One person's hope can be another person's curse.†The miqo’te scowled at the smuggler. “A hope is not always justified. All I have ever seen in this is a war. There is not good or evil side. Just two side who can not, or will not, compromise."
"That is a very rational perspective, miss.†Nero glanced at the Keeper from the corner of his eyes. “I'm rather sorrowful that we did not meet sooner; your shades of grey would have brought valuable clarity." He sighed. “In any case, you are completely right. It was…is…a mistake to paint this as an issue of black and white, of ‘us’ and ‘them’, of ‘good’ versus ‘bad’. The mistake was in thinking either side was ‘good’, because really, there are only ever ‘bad’ sides. But sometimes those sides are against one another.â€
Roen closed her hands into tight fists by her side. “"I thought...there was a part of you that mourned those lives you took. That wanted to make it all worth something. But if lives were taken for a cause that failed, and now you just justify those losses to make a point..." She inhaled deeply, her voice growing quieter with a demand. "What is our atonement?"
"You think I don't mourn the lives I took?†It was his turn to look indignant. “You truly believe I am that heartless? Roen, if I were that heartless, would I have done all of this for the sake of my fellows who live in destitution and squalor? The rest of our lives, from this moment forth is our atonement. Whenever we close our eyes and see the faces of the people we’ve killed, that is our atonement. Whenever we walk Ul’dah’s streets and see the Monetarists, the Blades, the bandits running roughshod, and we think about raising our swords, only to remember that we cannot stop them or change them…that is our atonement."
“That is a coward’s response,†Roen retorted. “That is the answer of someone who is…cutting his losses and running. You too have thrown in with the rest of us that you blame for your failure. I believed in your vision. I believed we could have made a difference.â€
“But you didn’t want any part of the sacrifices that needed to be made! You couldn’t imagine harm coming to women and children, when women and children are in harm’s way, every day!†He seethed. "I could have gorged myself on a life free of hardship or sorrow, and simply forgotten those I had left behind. I chose not to. And perhaps that was the wrong choice. Perhaps when the lights are off and the swords are out, the correct answer is apathy."
“Your plan is forcing things on people who want no part of it.†Kiht shook her head. “There are those who are just people trying to make a peaceful living, and you would have them dragged into this."
“You are entirely correct, Jakkya. And therein lies the problem, no? What difference exists between a man who commits evil, and a man who fails to prevents evil from happening?"
"So where does it end?†Roen glared at him. “A man who commits evil, and another man who does nothing to stop evil, and then those who will commit evil to fight evil. Where does it all end? It does not. The world burns in darkness because nothing else matters. You have condemned everyone."
"And that is the paradox,†Nero sighed. “Will you commit evil to destroy evil, or remain righteous and just even if that means surrendering to evil? In either case, evil remains."
"This paradox...does not save the world, Nero.†Her words were barely a whisper. “It saves no one."
"I do not need it to save the world," the pirate snapped. "I only need it to save those who were never given the opportunity to save themselves."
"There is turning a blind eye, and then there is helping in the best way,†Kiht protested. Roen could tell from her tone that there was a part of her that believed that Nero might be convinced in this. Roen knew better now. “Donate gil, food, shelter. Give what you can, but going to these lengths is beyond a moral line that you did not care enough to cross."
"Do not presume to know me or my actions.†The smuggler shot the Keeper a sharp look. “Do not presume to know what kind of city Ul'dah is, to know what kind of ruler the Syndicate is. Benevolence is not always an immediate blessing. You think such solutions have never crossed my mind? You think I’ve never tried such things before reaching this extreme?"
Nero turned his gaze on Roen. "Do you recall the little girl? What happened when the man gave her gil, out of the kindness of his heart? Where did such kindness lead her?"
The paladin blinked. She recalled that story still, so clearly. The one of the girl with hope, and the man who had given her the gil. Nero had been that man, and the girl’s death had haunted him since. She could still see the ghost of regret in his eyes whenever he spoke of her.
Her gaze softened little as she answered him. "The man had benevolence then. And it lightened the girl's heart if only for a bell. If she had but taken a right turn rather than left, if she had maybe found a kind sister rather than the Blades...perhaps her life would have been different. Perhaps she would have remembered that man's kindness and it would have bloomed in her heart so she would return it later ten fold to another child." Roen’s composure faltered for a moment. "It was not the man's fault what happened. It was not his kindness that condemned her."
Nero would not be moved, his pale eyes growing cold with fury. "But she ended up dead in a ditch the next day. What you wish would have happened, what might have happened, will never erase what did happen. To assume that the only choice in any situation is benevolence, to believe that a good act with good intentions is incapable of causing harm and suffering, that is the worst kind of ignorance."
“As is believing so firmly that the darkness is your only option.†Roen frowned again. How had she believed that there was hope within him to be something better? When he had already so thoroughly condemned it in his mind?
"At one point, I might have even agreed with you about my own naivete.†Nero exhaled. “The truth is, Nero Lazarov is nothing more than the sum of his circumstances and experiences. He never chose this life. He never chose to have such a skewed perspective of the world. Was it his fault to be born penniless in a city where wealth was everything? Was it his fault that the suffering he endured twisted his sorrow into anger, even hatred? Was it his fault that his attempts at peace, his attempts at a docile salvation for those he cared about, was it his fault that they failed? Perhaps."
He fell quiet for a moment, his expression turned pensive. "Being a victim perhaps does not excuse what he -- what I -- have done, or intended to do. But the truth of it is that I am nothing but the product of my past. Would a kinder and gentler Nero Lazarov have been better for this world, for Ul'dah?"
"And this Nero Lazarov,†Roen eyed the man, almost accusingly. “Has he been better for this world? For Ul'dah?"
The paladin was met with a cold stare from beneath the hood of his robe. "Of course not. But who we want to be is often very different from who we must be, and in the end, this is the Nero who survived.â€
“I do not know how the kinder, gentler Nero Lazarov would have fared.†Roen forcibly dismissed the wistful sadness that rose at the thought. Instead she fixed her gaze on him, her own words slowly turning grim. "But the man that did survive has killed many. He has incited riots. I cannot allow you to do that again."