Please stop banning my Vaulters from the marketplace. It hurts their feelings. And their insatiable need for titanium.
Okay, let's take a looksie here. I'll be examining both how the summary is written and organized like an obnoxious English teacher, and the actual content of the summary itself. And of course, feel perfectly free to overlook any feedback you disagree with.
Right off the bat, this is starting with a curiously worded contradiction. The passage starts by describing that the clan doesn't keep a collection of its past, but this section is titled "History"? Â They have an oral tradition spanning several generations, but simultaneously don't have a collection of its past? They have an extensive tradition of recording past events through grandiloquent verbal stories...but don't record past events?
This would be very confusing to anyone reading the details of this clan, so you need to be more extensive and specific when detailing their traditions and properly differentiate "folklore" and "history" in the wording.Â
The KotRH don't maintain a "history": they don't track the specific sequence of events, they don't verify whether or not events in the past actually happened, and they don't analyze how or why certain things in their past happened. But they do have stories which may or may not be exaggerated or fictional, they do have fables that teach morals that may have happened, and they tell these stories orally. This is a distinction you should make to the reader so that this kind of contradiction doesn't confuse them.
Example:Â "What the clan lacks in accurate recollections of its antiquity, it makes up for with a rich and extensive mythology, passed down from generation to generation with dramatic oral stories. Prodigious parables of magnificent beasts being slain on ambitious hunts, comprehensive chronicles of discovering new, wondrous lands teeming with wildlife, and sensational sagas about the clan's heroes in battle are shared, exaggerated, and respected by all."
Alright, so I'm a paragraph into this section titled "History" and have yet to read any actual history. This summary is telling me about their cultural behaviours and some boundaries, but I've yet to see any...well, history. It would be a good idea for this section to open with the first major event the clan can recall, especially after establishing their ties with folklore. A story about how they were founded, about their first hunter, their first conflict, something that will make me intrigued to keep reading about their history, rather than just a description of their morality that has nothing to do with their past and does not establish how that morality came to be.
Okay, so my question here is: what's the current status of the tribe? They had three options to either look for survivors, be absorbed into another tribe, or to strike out on their own. The passage isn't clear on what decision they made. I'm assuming they chose the third option, but I'm not completely certain.
Okay, so a couple of things here, mostly about phrasing and word choice. Firstly, you can't tell us that the KotRH are unique, because you literally just told us in the same sentence that their cultural is similar to other tribes. I would have you rewrite this sentence.
Example: "Though their traditions may overlap with those of other neighbouring tribes, their way of life manages to be distinctly different among the many wandering clans of Othard."
Secondly: they have a "powerful" culture? Define what "powerful" mean in this context? This requires clarification and specifics. The clan itself can't be powerful, because you just told us in the last paragraph that they were broken by the Garleans. Is their culture influential? Does the culture strictly govern the members of the clan? Are its members respected by other tribes such that their traditions are perceived as "stronger"? Is the culture widespread? How can that be possible if they are supposedly unique and also reduced to less than 50% of their original population by Garlemald's conquest?
Some clarification could be useful here. So they basically rotate? Do they travel in cycles, or is this a "just in case" kind of thing if they happen to stumble back into the same area by chance?
So if they just do as they please in regards to how they dress, what was the purpose of telling us that they are taught and expected to dress in a utilitarian manner? This is an example of the "powerful culture" statement above being confusing, since this it's pretty clear that the members of the clan disregard tradition and more or less do whatever they want.
Wait, what are you referring to here? Eorzean members of the KotRH? Eorzean Xaela? The Raen?
I'm confused by how this is written. So the colour of an individual clan member's skin doesn't matter...but their ancestor does? I thought this tribe didn't place any importance on being tied down by history?
This section should be moved into "Hunting".
Incredibly minor nitpick, but this sentence is meaningless since "traditional" doesn't have any significance in this summary. Based off of who's traditions? Eorzea's?
So in conclusion: fairly solid and simple to understand concept with no real glaring holes or errors and an easily workable outline that can be adopted by multiple people. I would suggest going into even more detail to better define and flesh out the concept. How do they punish crimes or wrongdoing? How independent are its members expected to be? What are some of the stories they have? When they enter conflict with another tribe, how do they conduct warfare? What are some of the roles an average member of the clan might be expected to fulfill? Etc.
Keep asking questions to yourself about this tribe and how it operates, the more detailed the better, and show, don't tell. Don't just tell us that the tribe is made up of skilled hunters, write a legend about how a hunter stalked its prey relentlessly for a fortnight before driving it into a masterfully described trap. Don't just tell us that they respect the animals they work with, write a tale about the bond that a clan member shared with their partner and how they relied on one another.
Keep at it and I'm sure you can polish this to something with a mirror shine.
Okay, let's take a looksie here. I'll be examining both how the summary is written and organized like an obnoxious English teacher, and the actual content of the summary itself. And of course, feel perfectly free to overlook any feedback you disagree with.
Quote:They carry with their lineage a strong culture and an oral history that spans several generations....
The Kindred of the Roving Hunt does not keep an extensive collection of its clan's past.
Right off the bat, this is starting with a curiously worded contradiction. The passage starts by describing that the clan doesn't keep a collection of its past, but this section is titled "History"? Â They have an oral tradition spanning several generations, but simultaneously don't have a collection of its past? They have an extensive tradition of recording past events through grandiloquent verbal stories...but don't record past events?
This would be very confusing to anyone reading the details of this clan, so you need to be more extensive and specific when detailing their traditions and properly differentiate "folklore" and "history" in the wording.Â
The KotRH don't maintain a "history": they don't track the specific sequence of events, they don't verify whether or not events in the past actually happened, and they don't analyze how or why certain things in their past happened. But they do have stories which may or may not be exaggerated or fictional, they do have fables that teach morals that may have happened, and they tell these stories orally. This is a distinction you should make to the reader so that this kind of contradiction doesn't confuse them.
Example:Â "What the clan lacks in accurate recollections of its antiquity, it makes up for with a rich and extensive mythology, passed down from generation to generation with dramatic oral stories. Prodigious parables of magnificent beasts being slain on ambitious hunts, comprehensive chronicles of discovering new, wondrous lands teeming with wildlife, and sensational sagas about the clan's heroes in battle are shared, exaggerated, and respected by all."
Quote:The tribe is no stranger to competing with other tribes over land and food. Its people are respectful when they know they are in the wrong, such as unknowingly crossing into the hunting grounds of another tribe, but they are also fiercely defensive. A Xaela of the Kindred of the Roving Hunt would never admit that they are wrong if they do not truly believe they are. They would not even admit that they might be wrong. There is wrong, there is right, and there is little room for debate. Needless to say, it can prove difficult to cooperate with other tribes.
Alright, so I'm a paragraph into this section titled "History" and have yet to read any actual history. This summary is telling me about their cultural behaviours and some boundaries, but I've yet to see any...well, history. It would be a good idea for this section to open with the first major event the clan can recall, especially after establishing their ties with folklore. A story about how they were founded, about their first hunter, their first conflict, something that will make me intrigued to keep reading about their history, rather than just a description of their morality that has nothing to do with their past and does not establish how that morality came to be.
Quote:History never restrained the surviving members before, nor would it now. If swearing loyalty to another tribe or fleeing their homeland meant survival, they would not hesitate to do so. While history may not bind the survivors to the tribe, one thing will: the everlasting will to always move forward.
Okay, so my question here is: what's the current status of the tribe? They had three options to either look for survivors, be absorbed into another tribe, or to strike out on their own. The passage isn't clear on what decision they made. I'm assuming they chose the third option, but I'm not completely certain.
Quote:Overall, the Kindred of the Roving Hunt is a tribe with a culture that—while similar to other tribes—is unique and powerful.
Okay, so a couple of things here, mostly about phrasing and word choice. Firstly, you can't tell us that the KotRH are unique, because you literally just told us in the same sentence that their cultural is similar to other tribes. I would have you rewrite this sentence.
Example: "Though their traditions may overlap with those of other neighbouring tribes, their way of life manages to be distinctly different among the many wandering clans of Othard."
Secondly: they have a "powerful" culture? Define what "powerful" mean in this context? This requires clarification and specifics. The clan itself can't be powerful, because you just told us in the last paragraph that they were broken by the Garleans. Is their culture influential? Does the culture strictly govern the members of the clan? Are its members respected by other tribes such that their traditions are perceived as "stronger"? Is the culture widespread? How can that be possible if they are supposedly unique and also reduced to less than 50% of their original population by Garlemald's conquest?
Quote:Gatherers will usually extract seeds from any wild vegetables and berries that they find to plant while journeying to ensure that the area does not run dry of produce for when they return.
Some clarification could be useful here. So they basically rotate? Do they travel in cycles, or is this a "just in case" kind of thing if they happen to stumble back into the same area by chance?
Quote:Members of the tribe dress for usefulness, not for fashion. They wear no more and no less than exactly what they need. Or rather, they’re taught not to, but they are still free to do as they please.
So if they just do as they please in regards to how they dress, what was the purpose of telling us that they are taught and expected to dress in a utilitarian manner? This is an example of the "powerful culture" statement above being confusing, since this it's pretty clear that the members of the clan disregard tradition and more or less do whatever they want.
Quote:...than their Eorzean counterparts on average.
Wait, what are you referring to here? Eorzean members of the KotRH? Eorzean Xaela? The Raen?
Quote:...but the color of a Xaela’s skin does not matter outside of who their long-dead ancestor might be.
I'm confused by how this is written. So the colour of an individual clan member's skin doesn't matter...but their ancestor does? I thought this tribe didn't place any importance on being tied down by history?
Quote:There is always something to hunt, and the hunters do love their hunting. It is a source of food, pride, and entertainment for them. However, they only hunt carnivores – beasts that will want to kill and devour them if they fail, for sport. They see it as fair game if the hunted is also a hunter. Prey hunted for sport is left after performing the ritual so that scavengers may have a meal. The tribespeople only take trophies of their hunts if it was exceptionally impressive, and it is seen as a great sign of respect to the hunted to take a trophy.
This section should be moved into "Hunting".
Quote:The tribespeople do not follow traditional relationships.
Incredibly minor nitpick, but this sentence is meaningless since "traditional" doesn't have any significance in this summary. Based off of who's traditions? Eorzea's?
So in conclusion: fairly solid and simple to understand concept with no real glaring holes or errors and an easily workable outline that can be adopted by multiple people. I would suggest going into even more detail to better define and flesh out the concept. How do they punish crimes or wrongdoing? How independent are its members expected to be? What are some of the stories they have? When they enter conflict with another tribe, how do they conduct warfare? What are some of the roles an average member of the clan might be expected to fulfill? Etc.
Keep asking questions to yourself about this tribe and how it operates, the more detailed the better, and show, don't tell. Don't just tell us that the tribe is made up of skilled hunters, write a legend about how a hunter stalked its prey relentlessly for a fortnight before driving it into a masterfully described trap. Don't just tell us that they respect the animals they work with, write a tale about the bond that a clan member shared with their partner and how they relied on one another.
Keep at it and I'm sure you can polish this to something with a mirror shine.