Things never bode well when the day sneaks up on me. I never oversleep.
Roen took the stairs two at a time, annoyance lengthening her stride. She fastened the buckles on her gauntlet as she tried to dismiss the haze that lingered over her thoughts. She'd awakened from her bed to realize that bells had already passed since the sunrise; she had never been a late riser for as long as she could remember, but recently, she had been waking feeling more exhausted every sun.
Crossing the courtyard, she saw that Goldwind already being saddled up. Roen paused as she spotted Bellows near the stables, overlooking the preparations for her journey. It was strange to see him aid in such things, but when he gave her a mock salute with an unpleasant smirk, she could see that he was eager to see her go.
The paladin did not give the sellsword another moment of thought. Her focus needed to be on the journey to Ishgard that awaited. Before that, she needed to speak to Edda. She felt a slight pinch of dread as she approached the noblewoman’s quarters, recalling the conversation with Khadai the night before. Even if she was looking out for her friend’s best interest, it still did not sit well with her that she was trying to decide for other people.
But surely, Edda could not actually want to continue on in this journey...
“Come in,†came the soft response after Roen knocked on the door.
The paladin entered to find Edda sitting on the edge of the bed, her hair still loose and uncombed since her slumber. She was buttoning up her gown, a grey toned coat with tailored sleeves. Completed with black gloves and black leggings, the woman looked every bit the aristocrat Roen knew her to be despite her disheveled hair.
“Did you sleep well?†Roen inquired quietly.
"I always sleep well," Edda said softly as she clasped the last button into place and straightened. She swept her hair neatly over her shoulder. "What can I do for you?"
"I thought we could speak alone for a bit," Roen said in a neutral tone. "I am not certain how much opportunity we will have on the road for some privacy."
"That is fine. Of course. What is on your mind?"
Roen pursed her lips in hesitation at first, not knowing what subject to breach first. She took a few more steps to stand in front of the woman. "First, you are free to go. The knight captain deemed yesterday's affair resolved. He sees no reason to suspect either of you. And he has allowed me to accompany you both to Ishgard." She glanced over her shoulder toward the door. "I... returned last night with the sword. My apologies that I tried to wake you. I am glad for your rest. I did return the sword to your companion."
"I see. That is fortunate to hear." Edda rested her hands on her lap, her thumbs tracing over her fingers, shifting between each one in a seeming rhythm. "That your Captain was able to see reason speaks well for Dragonhead." She looked up from her hands at Roen, a slight tug at the corners of her lips. "Are you displeased with his decision?"
The paladin blinked, clearly not expecting that. "Displeased? Why would you ask that?"
"Do you wish to go to Ishgard?"
Roen shifted her gaze, looking to an absent point on the wall behind Edda. Her answer to that had vacillated ever since the idea was proposed. "I have no opinion about it either way." That was not quite the truth. "I have been to Ishgard multiple times now... so I am familiar with the route. Both of you could use a guide."
Edda exhaled slowly, humming through it in a deep tone. "That is true. I for one am most pleased by the news - I am sure Khadai will be as well." She lifted her left hand and held it up against the dim morning light now streaming through the window. Fingers spread, the woman glared at the back of her hand for a moment, as if willing herself to look through it. Her eyes returned back to Roen, her arm still outstretched. "You, however, seem rather listless. Did something happen?"
The paladin shifted in her stance, fighting the reluctance that held her thoughts hostage. Was this not the reason she came to speak to Edda after all? "I asked you last eve, how long you planned on traveling with Khadai." Roen exhaled, raising her eyes steadily to the noblewoman. "I asked him to find another guide in your stead."
Edda lowered her outstretched arm slowly, back to rest the hand in her lap. She bowed her head, her expression sobering slightly. "Ah. I thought you might. If not you, then him. One of you, either way. And now it is both, yes?"
Roen knitted her brow in thought. "I am no longer of the mind that he is dangerous or... suspect in his motives.†She canted her head, as if to try and glean Edda’s mood. The woman’s enigma was something that Roen had come to accept long ago, the noblewoman always having her mask of polite decorum in place. And yet they had always spoken with honesty in the past. “Serving as a guide through a land beleaguered by war… it is not something I thought would appeal to you."
"Hmph.†Edda scoffed, and looked to her left to glare at the wall. "It does not appeal to me, no. A great many things do not appeal to me - but I do what I must. I know the limits of my own abilities far better than anyone else. This was something I chose to do." She looked back up at Roen with a stony expression, eyes searching. "Yet I am not so brazen as to intrude where I am not wanted. Why even see me as far as Ishgard? I am perfectly capable of returning to Gridania now, on my own."
That made the paladin pause, staring back at the woman. It took her a moment before she could respond, and it was with a rueful twinge to her lips. "Ah. Then you have my apologies, Edda. It is not your intent that I doubted, nor do I seek to deprive you of what you want to do. But..." She sighed, her shoulders dipping slightly. "I did not want to see you come to harm because of your good intentions." Roen paused, recalling the conversation from the night before. "Khadai seems to be on an exploratory journey of his own. He honestly does not know where he is to head next. How long did you intend to stay with him?"
"As long as it took to discern what his intentions were," Edda said evenly. "Whether they be for good, or not."
"I asked him the same. His purpose for being here. He does not know." The paladin exhaled, her expression softening. "But last night he did join in the offensive against an aevis attack. After watching him rush into battle to help those who were threatening to arrest him, I no longer think him to hold ill will against those here. Despite his bloody history."
"You seem to trust him a great deal now." The noblewoman observed simply. Though her words seemed unfazed, a shadow was cast over her expression, her face darkening.
"Nay, I still know him not. But he seems to be willing to answer questions with candor even if it may implicate him." Roen looked back at Edda, her eyes slightly narrowing. "He even told me that he killed three masked assailants in the Shroud. Something that he suspected, you came across."
"Yes, I did," Edda responded in an even yet guarded tone.
"You hid that fact... for his sake?"
"Mostly my own."
"Your sake?" Roen canted her head. "You had come across them after the fact."
"And?"
The paladin’s expression hardened. The shift in Edda's mood with her short taciturn answers were obvious. Roen could not help but mirror it. "And nothing. It is done." Her own words were clipped. "I have not spoken to my knight captain on the matter, nor will I. You witnessed the aftermath, if you feel that what you found warrants further investigation, then I will leave that in your hands."
"It will be handled, of that you have my assurance." Edda paused, and studied her expression. "Would you have preferred me to put him to the sword?"
"Nay. Not after..." Roen shook her head. "I do not doubt your intentions, Edda. I just wished that you would have at least been honest with me." The paladin did not want to give voice to her doubts about the woman, nor the sting she felt when she had suspected more duplicity. "Never mind. Perhaps I presumed too much."
"It would have served little purpose at that point in time, other than to further your own doubts of him. Had that occurred, the series of events that followed may not have gone as smoothly as they did. There is little cause in withholding the truth - but there is a time and place for it."
Roen’s frown only deepened at Edda’s response. A part of her knew it was a reasonable course of action and yet…
Two knocks sounded from the door. Roen ignored it.
"Very well,†the paladin turned back to Edda with her stony mask back in place. “You can discuss with Khadai whether you intend to continue on with him. That is up to you. I will not presume more than I already have."
"The decision has already been made, Roen. Surely you realize that." Edda spoke softly, then turned to the door. "Come in."
The door opened to admit a familiar figure of a man, a well dressed valet by his uniform with dark well trimmed hair framing his face. He entered with a small tray--it contains two metal mugs, snow-stained, but with steam rising from them. He strode past the two women to set the tray down on the table first before inclining his head politely to the both of them.
"Mistress and Miss," Gideon said evenly.
Roen stared, eyes wide at the man.
"I have prepared a bracing drink using the kitchens downstairs; a heated brew infused with chocolate. The original recipe called for a dusting of kukuru powder, which the serving staff are sadly lacking. I have improvised as necessary." Gideon gave another bow toward Edda. "I was informed Mistress was entertaining company; the second mug is yours, Miss, should you wish to take it."
The paladin was frozen still as the valet bowed to her. No words came.
"Thank you, Gideon," Edda said softly.
"Dishes have been prepared for yourself and the assorted occupants and guardsmen of the camp. Is there anything further you require?"
Edda only shook her head at Gideon, before rising and taking her mug of hot chocolate. She sipped it twice before leaving the room without a word, and shut the door quietly behind her.
Roen stared at the door in silence.
.
"Very good, Mistress." Gideon said to Edda's closed door, apparently accustomed to doing so. He glanced to the paladin for a moment, inclined his head politely then also turned for the door.
"When did you get here, Mister North?" the paladin finally blurted, her voice hoarse.
Gideon turned back around with a nod, his movements smooth and practiced. "I arrived in the early hours of the morning, Miss, shortly in the aftermath of whatever incident concerned the aevis horde. As matters seemed to be under control, I inquired as to the particulars of Miss' lodgings, and made myself appropriately useful."
Roen swallowed. She found herself staring at the distant wall, not looking towards the valet. Seeing him here, it had unnerved her. "I see. Are you going to accompany Miss Edda to Ishgard then..?" They were just words to fill the silence.
"I am duty-bound to accompany my mistress wherever she may require my services, Miss." The man’s response was placid and unaffected as ever.
"Then… you are satisfied in her occupation?" These were questions she had wanted to ask Edda. One of many things the paladin had wanted to broach the woman about before it was curtailed. Roen had entrusted Gideon’s employment and safety to the noblewoman before she disappeared. Before she had sought out Nero at Aleport. Before so many things happened.
But now as she found herself standing here before the man who had been her confidant and source of comfort through most of all that happened, Roen could not bare to meet him in the eyes. Nor exchange any other words than pleasantries. Was it because aside from Kiht, Gideon was the only other person that Roen had shared the news of Nero’s death? Not the manners in which he died, but with Nero’s involvement in the death of Gideon’s former masters, it was something that Roen felt at least the valet deserved to know.
"Miss is occasionally reluctant to assign me any actual duties, insisting that I put my own needs first. Aside from this eccentricity, I am managing." Roen barely heard the words. Gideon's expression could only be described as politely blank.
"...Did... Did you get my letter..?"
"The one heralding your disappearance? Indeed so, Miss."
"You need not worry about... avenging your former masters." She set her jaw, and despite her attempts to stay neutral on the matter, her fingers were curled into tight fists by her side. "At least... on one account."
"I am sorry to hear, Miss." Gideon bowed, but this time, he remained bent for a couple of seconds longer - not an expression of servitude but apparent solemnity.
It comforted her not. "...are you?" She shot him a look, not liking the stirring of emotions within. "Is this not what you wanted?"
"Wanted, Miss?"
Her throat felt constricted, and she felt anger rising from within. She was not sure who it was directed at. "There was a time you wanted death brought to those who were responsible for what befell your masters. This... is a good thing... aye?" Her words were turning sharper as she continued. “The end to a murderer. A violent extremist."
"It is true, Miss, that I sought revenge for those who had destroyed what is close to me. If you recall, Miss, I learned of Lazarov's culpability after having already known that he was a significant person to you. Though I did despise him, my desire to specifically see him dead lasted seconds." His voice softened. "I am... sorry that events transpired in such a way as to cause Miss distress. I am sure there was... little other course."
Roen stared at him, her lips pressed tightly upon each other. "He is dead, Mister North. You no longer need to spare my feelings about the man."
"As you say, Miss. I am merely clarifying. What I wanted proved to be something else."
Her head dipped low, her hair falling over her eyes. A long pause of silence fell between them. "What you wanted. What he wanted. Must we know these things too late?"
"My intent, Miss, was to remove myself from the equation, that my desires might not have undue effect. I imagine I sought something similar to what Miss pursued, though."
The paladin shot him a dark look. "What I pursued was a hopeless wish. Born of .... 'singular devotion'... Mister North. It brought me nothing but pain and regret. I just... I just need you to tell me that at least you... at least someone is better off for this."
"That, at least, is unquestionable, Miss." He looked at her, expression still calm and assuring. "But would you resent them for it?"
"What if I did?"
“I have long said that I am no man to judge, Miss, and I am happy to serve. If you require a vessel for blame, I would happily volunteer."
Her face twisted with indignation. "That is not... that is NOT what I..." She felt herself tremble. She hated the fact that his very presence shattered the composure that she had been working so hard to maintain. It was as if the last many moons spent on constructing her walls and tending to the wounds that were now starting to show even the barest hint of closure, were all being undone. Was she so unprepared to see him?
"Miss' hot chocolate is getting cold." He observed quietly.
Her eyes flared with that, and she spun to snatch up the cup of hot chocolate and hurl it across the room. "Do think that matters?!" she screamed. The metal cup bent as it crashed violently against the stone brick, the hot chocolate then spilling to the floor and staining the rug.
Gideon said nothing, for a moment, just watching her patiently. Then after a pause, the valet cleared his throat. "Normally, that is asked as a rhetorical question, Miss."
Roen crossed the room again, long angry strides bringing her before the butler. "Are you going to lecture me now? On the ins and outs of rhetoric? Or will you simply bring me more cups of hot chocolate?" Her face burned, her voice shook. "Do you think I feel anything but resentment seeing you here?" That was not the truth, and yet those were the angry words that tumbled forth.
Gideon raised a single eyebrow but said nothing.
"My disappearance was intentional. I wanted nothing that reminded me of--" She stopped herself, shaking her head. She did not want to even say his name. A part of her knew that this was all in frustration, that Gideon was not deserving of any of it, but she did not care. "You being here… it only brings back all the things I do not wish to think of."
When he said nothing, standing still with his hands behind his back, she spun away from him. "So do not stand there and be some willing martyr. I am furious, Gideon. All I feel is regret and... rage.. and..." She bowed her head. "And I am tired of... of blaming myself."
Gideon still said nothing, even though his full attention was upon her.
Roen spun back around, finding his silence and his serene demeanor absolutely infuriating. "Say something, Gideon. Tell me I am a fool. Or that my anger is misplaced. Or that it will fade. Or my sorrow is unjustified. Or..." Her eyes darted around the room frantically, as if something, anything would give her the answers that he would not. "Say SOMETHING."
"I am not in the habit of dispensing false information, Miss." Gideon sighed and approached her. He closed his eyes for a moment in thought but when he opened again, he spoke slowly and with clarity. "I am no man to judge the validity of your feelings. Nor can I presume commonality between our having lost someone, blaming oneself, or being consumed with any given emotion, whether joyful or painful. If the sight of me makes you seethe, then I shall endeavor not to inconvenience you. Otherwise, I can only continue to support you as I have done in the past, providing small comforts where they may ease your mind, if briefly." His gaze fell on the hot chocolate trailing between stones. "I cannot in good conscience tell you, Miss, that the pain will fade. What I can tell you is that it may be wielded."
A quiet gasp escaped her lips, her eyes now burning and glistening. She took one step back away from him, stunned by his words.
Gideon turned from her and went to where the metal mug lay on the floor. Setting it upright against the wall, he began to scrub the floor.
"I..." she whispered after a long pause. "I cannot breathe... Gideon." Auburn locks fell heavily before her eyes as she stared at the floor and her vision blurred. "There are suns where I cannot... breathe...."
The valet rose, and taking a slow breath, he moved closer to her side. He removed a handkerchief from his coat and lightly dabbed at her cheeks and eyes. “...Yes, Roen."
Roen pressed her lips tightly upon each other to stifle the sobs that wanted to rise. She bowed her head, her forehead just coming to rest against his chest. She stayed there for a long quiet moment, unmoving. Gideon’s hand froze mid-dab, just hovering. But soon enough the paladin gathered herself and straightened, her hands swiping at her cheeks. She squared her shoulders and brushed her hair away.
“I should get ready to go,†she said hoarsely, taking one step back from him.
Gideon inclined his head, stepping back to their appropriate distance. "...Will you not eat first, Miss?"
"I am not hungry. I have things to prepare. You should look to Edda." Roen shook her head and turned for the door, her last few words murmured under her breath. "My apologies for the..." She gave a sidelong glance to the wall and the stain there, but her gaze continued to drift to the man behind her without truly looking at him.
Gideon cleared his throat somewhat guiltily. "I... DID prepare Miss's favorite. I thought the dish particularly complementary to these more wintry climes...?"
That made her pause at the door, blinking. There was a sad tug to her lips as she looked over her shoulder at Gideon. Ever providing the small comforts… It only made her feel worse. The paladin shook her head, her forelocks falling loose again before her eyes. Without saying another word, she abruptly left the room, intent on heading out to the courtyard.
But when she reached the doors that led outside, Roen paused. She stood still for a moment with her hand laid against the wooden grains, before she turned away from the exit and headed towards the kitchens.
Roen took the stairs two at a time, annoyance lengthening her stride. She fastened the buckles on her gauntlet as she tried to dismiss the haze that lingered over her thoughts. She'd awakened from her bed to realize that bells had already passed since the sunrise; she had never been a late riser for as long as she could remember, but recently, she had been waking feeling more exhausted every sun.
Crossing the courtyard, she saw that Goldwind already being saddled up. Roen paused as she spotted Bellows near the stables, overlooking the preparations for her journey. It was strange to see him aid in such things, but when he gave her a mock salute with an unpleasant smirk, she could see that he was eager to see her go.
The paladin did not give the sellsword another moment of thought. Her focus needed to be on the journey to Ishgard that awaited. Before that, she needed to speak to Edda. She felt a slight pinch of dread as she approached the noblewoman’s quarters, recalling the conversation with Khadai the night before. Even if she was looking out for her friend’s best interest, it still did not sit well with her that she was trying to decide for other people.
But surely, Edda could not actually want to continue on in this journey...
“Come in,†came the soft response after Roen knocked on the door.
The paladin entered to find Edda sitting on the edge of the bed, her hair still loose and uncombed since her slumber. She was buttoning up her gown, a grey toned coat with tailored sleeves. Completed with black gloves and black leggings, the woman looked every bit the aristocrat Roen knew her to be despite her disheveled hair.
“Did you sleep well?†Roen inquired quietly.
"I always sleep well," Edda said softly as she clasped the last button into place and straightened. She swept her hair neatly over her shoulder. "What can I do for you?"
"I thought we could speak alone for a bit," Roen said in a neutral tone. "I am not certain how much opportunity we will have on the road for some privacy."
"That is fine. Of course. What is on your mind?"
Roen pursed her lips in hesitation at first, not knowing what subject to breach first. She took a few more steps to stand in front of the woman. "First, you are free to go. The knight captain deemed yesterday's affair resolved. He sees no reason to suspect either of you. And he has allowed me to accompany you both to Ishgard." She glanced over her shoulder toward the door. "I... returned last night with the sword. My apologies that I tried to wake you. I am glad for your rest. I did return the sword to your companion."
"I see. That is fortunate to hear." Edda rested her hands on her lap, her thumbs tracing over her fingers, shifting between each one in a seeming rhythm. "That your Captain was able to see reason speaks well for Dragonhead." She looked up from her hands at Roen, a slight tug at the corners of her lips. "Are you displeased with his decision?"
The paladin blinked, clearly not expecting that. "Displeased? Why would you ask that?"
"Do you wish to go to Ishgard?"
Roen shifted her gaze, looking to an absent point on the wall behind Edda. Her answer to that had vacillated ever since the idea was proposed. "I have no opinion about it either way." That was not quite the truth. "I have been to Ishgard multiple times now... so I am familiar with the route. Both of you could use a guide."
Edda exhaled slowly, humming through it in a deep tone. "That is true. I for one am most pleased by the news - I am sure Khadai will be as well." She lifted her left hand and held it up against the dim morning light now streaming through the window. Fingers spread, the woman glared at the back of her hand for a moment, as if willing herself to look through it. Her eyes returned back to Roen, her arm still outstretched. "You, however, seem rather listless. Did something happen?"
The paladin shifted in her stance, fighting the reluctance that held her thoughts hostage. Was this not the reason she came to speak to Edda after all? "I asked you last eve, how long you planned on traveling with Khadai." Roen exhaled, raising her eyes steadily to the noblewoman. "I asked him to find another guide in your stead."
Edda lowered her outstretched arm slowly, back to rest the hand in her lap. She bowed her head, her expression sobering slightly. "Ah. I thought you might. If not you, then him. One of you, either way. And now it is both, yes?"
Roen knitted her brow in thought. "I am no longer of the mind that he is dangerous or... suspect in his motives.†She canted her head, as if to try and glean Edda’s mood. The woman’s enigma was something that Roen had come to accept long ago, the noblewoman always having her mask of polite decorum in place. And yet they had always spoken with honesty in the past. “Serving as a guide through a land beleaguered by war… it is not something I thought would appeal to you."
"Hmph.†Edda scoffed, and looked to her left to glare at the wall. "It does not appeal to me, no. A great many things do not appeal to me - but I do what I must. I know the limits of my own abilities far better than anyone else. This was something I chose to do." She looked back up at Roen with a stony expression, eyes searching. "Yet I am not so brazen as to intrude where I am not wanted. Why even see me as far as Ishgard? I am perfectly capable of returning to Gridania now, on my own."
That made the paladin pause, staring back at the woman. It took her a moment before she could respond, and it was with a rueful twinge to her lips. "Ah. Then you have my apologies, Edda. It is not your intent that I doubted, nor do I seek to deprive you of what you want to do. But..." She sighed, her shoulders dipping slightly. "I did not want to see you come to harm because of your good intentions." Roen paused, recalling the conversation from the night before. "Khadai seems to be on an exploratory journey of his own. He honestly does not know where he is to head next. How long did you intend to stay with him?"
"As long as it took to discern what his intentions were," Edda said evenly. "Whether they be for good, or not."
"I asked him the same. His purpose for being here. He does not know." The paladin exhaled, her expression softening. "But last night he did join in the offensive against an aevis attack. After watching him rush into battle to help those who were threatening to arrest him, I no longer think him to hold ill will against those here. Despite his bloody history."
"You seem to trust him a great deal now." The noblewoman observed simply. Though her words seemed unfazed, a shadow was cast over her expression, her face darkening.
"Nay, I still know him not. But he seems to be willing to answer questions with candor even if it may implicate him." Roen looked back at Edda, her eyes slightly narrowing. "He even told me that he killed three masked assailants in the Shroud. Something that he suspected, you came across."
"Yes, I did," Edda responded in an even yet guarded tone.
"You hid that fact... for his sake?"
"Mostly my own."
"Your sake?" Roen canted her head. "You had come across them after the fact."
"And?"
The paladin’s expression hardened. The shift in Edda's mood with her short taciturn answers were obvious. Roen could not help but mirror it. "And nothing. It is done." Her own words were clipped. "I have not spoken to my knight captain on the matter, nor will I. You witnessed the aftermath, if you feel that what you found warrants further investigation, then I will leave that in your hands."
"It will be handled, of that you have my assurance." Edda paused, and studied her expression. "Would you have preferred me to put him to the sword?"
"Nay. Not after..." Roen shook her head. "I do not doubt your intentions, Edda. I just wished that you would have at least been honest with me." The paladin did not want to give voice to her doubts about the woman, nor the sting she felt when she had suspected more duplicity. "Never mind. Perhaps I presumed too much."
"It would have served little purpose at that point in time, other than to further your own doubts of him. Had that occurred, the series of events that followed may not have gone as smoothly as they did. There is little cause in withholding the truth - but there is a time and place for it."
Roen’s frown only deepened at Edda’s response. A part of her knew it was a reasonable course of action and yet…
Two knocks sounded from the door. Roen ignored it.
"Very well,†the paladin turned back to Edda with her stony mask back in place. “You can discuss with Khadai whether you intend to continue on with him. That is up to you. I will not presume more than I already have."
"The decision has already been made, Roen. Surely you realize that." Edda spoke softly, then turned to the door. "Come in."
The door opened to admit a familiar figure of a man, a well dressed valet by his uniform with dark well trimmed hair framing his face. He entered with a small tray--it contains two metal mugs, snow-stained, but with steam rising from them. He strode past the two women to set the tray down on the table first before inclining his head politely to the both of them.
"Mistress and Miss," Gideon said evenly.
Roen stared, eyes wide at the man.
"I have prepared a bracing drink using the kitchens downstairs; a heated brew infused with chocolate. The original recipe called for a dusting of kukuru powder, which the serving staff are sadly lacking. I have improvised as necessary." Gideon gave another bow toward Edda. "I was informed Mistress was entertaining company; the second mug is yours, Miss, should you wish to take it."
The paladin was frozen still as the valet bowed to her. No words came.
"Thank you, Gideon," Edda said softly.
"Dishes have been prepared for yourself and the assorted occupants and guardsmen of the camp. Is there anything further you require?"
Edda only shook her head at Gideon, before rising and taking her mug of hot chocolate. She sipped it twice before leaving the room without a word, and shut the door quietly behind her.
Roen stared at the door in silence.
.
"Very good, Mistress." Gideon said to Edda's closed door, apparently accustomed to doing so. He glanced to the paladin for a moment, inclined his head politely then also turned for the door.
"When did you get here, Mister North?" the paladin finally blurted, her voice hoarse.
Gideon turned back around with a nod, his movements smooth and practiced. "I arrived in the early hours of the morning, Miss, shortly in the aftermath of whatever incident concerned the aevis horde. As matters seemed to be under control, I inquired as to the particulars of Miss' lodgings, and made myself appropriately useful."
Roen swallowed. She found herself staring at the distant wall, not looking towards the valet. Seeing him here, it had unnerved her. "I see. Are you going to accompany Miss Edda to Ishgard then..?" They were just words to fill the silence.
"I am duty-bound to accompany my mistress wherever she may require my services, Miss." The man’s response was placid and unaffected as ever.
"Then… you are satisfied in her occupation?" These were questions she had wanted to ask Edda. One of many things the paladin had wanted to broach the woman about before it was curtailed. Roen had entrusted Gideon’s employment and safety to the noblewoman before she disappeared. Before she had sought out Nero at Aleport. Before so many things happened.
But now as she found herself standing here before the man who had been her confidant and source of comfort through most of all that happened, Roen could not bare to meet him in the eyes. Nor exchange any other words than pleasantries. Was it because aside from Kiht, Gideon was the only other person that Roen had shared the news of Nero’s death? Not the manners in which he died, but with Nero’s involvement in the death of Gideon’s former masters, it was something that Roen felt at least the valet deserved to know.
"Miss is occasionally reluctant to assign me any actual duties, insisting that I put my own needs first. Aside from this eccentricity, I am managing." Roen barely heard the words. Gideon's expression could only be described as politely blank.
"...Did... Did you get my letter..?"
"The one heralding your disappearance? Indeed so, Miss."
"You need not worry about... avenging your former masters." She set her jaw, and despite her attempts to stay neutral on the matter, her fingers were curled into tight fists by her side. "At least... on one account."
"I am sorry to hear, Miss." Gideon bowed, but this time, he remained bent for a couple of seconds longer - not an expression of servitude but apparent solemnity.
It comforted her not. "...are you?" She shot him a look, not liking the stirring of emotions within. "Is this not what you wanted?"
"Wanted, Miss?"
Her throat felt constricted, and she felt anger rising from within. She was not sure who it was directed at. "There was a time you wanted death brought to those who were responsible for what befell your masters. This... is a good thing... aye?" Her words were turning sharper as she continued. “The end to a murderer. A violent extremist."
"It is true, Miss, that I sought revenge for those who had destroyed what is close to me. If you recall, Miss, I learned of Lazarov's culpability after having already known that he was a significant person to you. Though I did despise him, my desire to specifically see him dead lasted seconds." His voice softened. "I am... sorry that events transpired in such a way as to cause Miss distress. I am sure there was... little other course."
Roen stared at him, her lips pressed tightly upon each other. "He is dead, Mister North. You no longer need to spare my feelings about the man."
"As you say, Miss. I am merely clarifying. What I wanted proved to be something else."
Her head dipped low, her hair falling over her eyes. A long pause of silence fell between them. "What you wanted. What he wanted. Must we know these things too late?"
"My intent, Miss, was to remove myself from the equation, that my desires might not have undue effect. I imagine I sought something similar to what Miss pursued, though."
The paladin shot him a dark look. "What I pursued was a hopeless wish. Born of .... 'singular devotion'... Mister North. It brought me nothing but pain and regret. I just... I just need you to tell me that at least you... at least someone is better off for this."
"That, at least, is unquestionable, Miss." He looked at her, expression still calm and assuring. "But would you resent them for it?"
"What if I did?"
“I have long said that I am no man to judge, Miss, and I am happy to serve. If you require a vessel for blame, I would happily volunteer."
Her face twisted with indignation. "That is not... that is NOT what I..." She felt herself tremble. She hated the fact that his very presence shattered the composure that she had been working so hard to maintain. It was as if the last many moons spent on constructing her walls and tending to the wounds that were now starting to show even the barest hint of closure, were all being undone. Was she so unprepared to see him?
"Miss' hot chocolate is getting cold." He observed quietly.
Her eyes flared with that, and she spun to snatch up the cup of hot chocolate and hurl it across the room. "Do think that matters?!" she screamed. The metal cup bent as it crashed violently against the stone brick, the hot chocolate then spilling to the floor and staining the rug.
Gideon said nothing, for a moment, just watching her patiently. Then after a pause, the valet cleared his throat. "Normally, that is asked as a rhetorical question, Miss."
Roen crossed the room again, long angry strides bringing her before the butler. "Are you going to lecture me now? On the ins and outs of rhetoric? Or will you simply bring me more cups of hot chocolate?" Her face burned, her voice shook. "Do you think I feel anything but resentment seeing you here?" That was not the truth, and yet those were the angry words that tumbled forth.
Gideon raised a single eyebrow but said nothing.
"My disappearance was intentional. I wanted nothing that reminded me of--" She stopped herself, shaking her head. She did not want to even say his name. A part of her knew that this was all in frustration, that Gideon was not deserving of any of it, but she did not care. "You being here… it only brings back all the things I do not wish to think of."
When he said nothing, standing still with his hands behind his back, she spun away from him. "So do not stand there and be some willing martyr. I am furious, Gideon. All I feel is regret and... rage.. and..." She bowed her head. "And I am tired of... of blaming myself."
Gideon still said nothing, even though his full attention was upon her.
Roen spun back around, finding his silence and his serene demeanor absolutely infuriating. "Say something, Gideon. Tell me I am a fool. Or that my anger is misplaced. Or that it will fade. Or my sorrow is unjustified. Or..." Her eyes darted around the room frantically, as if something, anything would give her the answers that he would not. "Say SOMETHING."
"I am not in the habit of dispensing false information, Miss." Gideon sighed and approached her. He closed his eyes for a moment in thought but when he opened again, he spoke slowly and with clarity. "I am no man to judge the validity of your feelings. Nor can I presume commonality between our having lost someone, blaming oneself, or being consumed with any given emotion, whether joyful or painful. If the sight of me makes you seethe, then I shall endeavor not to inconvenience you. Otherwise, I can only continue to support you as I have done in the past, providing small comforts where they may ease your mind, if briefly." His gaze fell on the hot chocolate trailing between stones. "I cannot in good conscience tell you, Miss, that the pain will fade. What I can tell you is that it may be wielded."
A quiet gasp escaped her lips, her eyes now burning and glistening. She took one step back away from him, stunned by his words.
Gideon turned from her and went to where the metal mug lay on the floor. Setting it upright against the wall, he began to scrub the floor.
"I..." she whispered after a long pause. "I cannot breathe... Gideon." Auburn locks fell heavily before her eyes as she stared at the floor and her vision blurred. "There are suns where I cannot... breathe...."
The valet rose, and taking a slow breath, he moved closer to her side. He removed a handkerchief from his coat and lightly dabbed at her cheeks and eyes. “...Yes, Roen."
Roen pressed her lips tightly upon each other to stifle the sobs that wanted to rise. She bowed her head, her forehead just coming to rest against his chest. She stayed there for a long quiet moment, unmoving. Gideon’s hand froze mid-dab, just hovering. But soon enough the paladin gathered herself and straightened, her hands swiping at her cheeks. She squared her shoulders and brushed her hair away.
“I should get ready to go,†she said hoarsely, taking one step back from him.
Gideon inclined his head, stepping back to their appropriate distance. "...Will you not eat first, Miss?"
"I am not hungry. I have things to prepare. You should look to Edda." Roen shook her head and turned for the door, her last few words murmured under her breath. "My apologies for the..." She gave a sidelong glance to the wall and the stain there, but her gaze continued to drift to the man behind her without truly looking at him.
Gideon cleared his throat somewhat guiltily. "I... DID prepare Miss's favorite. I thought the dish particularly complementary to these more wintry climes...?"
That made her pause at the door, blinking. There was a sad tug to her lips as she looked over her shoulder at Gideon. Ever providing the small comforts… It only made her feel worse. The paladin shook her head, her forelocks falling loose again before her eyes. Without saying another word, she abruptly left the room, intent on heading out to the courtyard.
But when she reached the doors that led outside, Roen paused. She stood still for a moment with her hand laid against the wooden grains, before she turned away from the exit and headed towards the kitchens.
