((I have been posting on Tumblr ( http://omgmiakoda.tumblr.com/ ) and forgot to keep this updated. Â Here are some more journal entries and stories for you guys!))
((Since I have other journal entries posted elsewhere, I will copy and paste them into this post, enclosed in spoilers incase people want to read them. Â New posts will be new entries.))
Newest Entry:
Atmospheric Score:Â https://youtu.be/ca8tlxOkHsM
My hand shakes right now as I write this.  I woke up this morning and felt perfectly fine, not craving my dosage from Ozerov, so I skipped visiting his office.  I figured perhaps I was done with needing the unnamed substance that has been coursing through my veins.  Of course I was wrong, but I’ll try and get through it. Make it longer between doses.
Â
I am coming to terms with the fact that Rhotaent is gone. I was upset at first, but I understand. I knew it was difficult for him to love me. It was difficult for me to love him. We tried. … We really tried. Once in awhile I catch myself cupping my hand to my face like he would. I do not regret my time with him. It taught me that there is a piece of me that is capable of caring for someone else. I will not shy away from trying again. …if I happen to come across someone that could possibly be interested in a fuck up like myself.
Though I think my newly positive attitude towards relationships has made me feel things too soon. There is tension between myself and a friend. The timing of us both being alone at the same time seemed to throw us into a situation that we can not seem to figure out. My new company appointed therapist said I should wait until I am fully sober to persue anything, which I mentally agree with. My body on the other hand… I am ansy. A visit to The Thirsty Turtle will have to happen soon to avoid making any choices that can ruin a friendship with one of the few I trust.
I have a therapist now. As I mentioned before. I was hesitant to follow through, but I figured why not. I threw out my entire situation to the man. Told him about Baern when I was a child, about the kidnapping. About Rhotaent disappearing. About how I love to take drugs. … I really do love it. I feel so much better. I feel like I’m about to vomit right now I want them so badly. The euphoria you feel when they start to course through your system. … To feel like you’re floating. To feel happy.
I am a woman of vices. Chasing the next high. A drug. An orgasm. I will never be satisfied, I don’t think. With three good years left health-wise, why shouldn’t I get what I want? Do what I want? Feel how I want?
… What do I really want?
((Since I have other journal entries posted elsewhere, I will copy and paste them into this post, enclosed in spoilers incase people want to read them. Â New posts will be new entries.))
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Entry SevenI was stupid and now I’m alone. Â
Sometimes I wonder if I should have been more open minded.  Though looking back on it now I can’t help but feel like I made the right decision.  I miss him terribly… we had fun.  He was my best friend…
Since I’ve disposed of all distractions and gotten back to work, I have managed to create one hundred and eight bottles of pills to get out to the ‘working girl’ class.  I am proud of that, despite the fact I did not leave my room for a week. I did manage to leave once.  … Talked to a handsome highlander.  What is it about highlanders that gets me all riled up?  I refuse to allow myself to become distracted again.Â
I did leave my room this evening, and spoke to a pink haired Lalafell woman.  Apparently while I’ve been locked away, the world has been changing.  The gates of Ishgard have opened and there’s a manufactory there that’s open to teaching people.  I can only benefit from a lesson such as that when it comes to my future work of making organs.  Everything that I’ve used so far has been organic.  Perhaps I can learn how to work with mechanics to create them.  I look forward to this trip, though it would be excellent to have someone to escort me there.  I hear it’s dangerous on the way and well.  I am rubbish at defending myself.  I was supposed to be heading north this week anyway… I am going to attempt an effort to get out there to explore.  Something new to keep me moving forward…
I am down one best friend, but… I have learned things.  I’m not sure if that is a good trade-off, but I’ll have to settle for it.  Onward to new friends and new adventures… maybe.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have been more open minded.  Though looking back on it now I can’t help but feel like I made the right decision.  I miss him terribly… we had fun.  He was my best friend…
Since I’ve disposed of all distractions and gotten back to work, I have managed to create one hundred and eight bottles of pills to get out to the ‘working girl’ class.  I am proud of that, despite the fact I did not leave my room for a week. I did manage to leave once.  … Talked to a handsome highlander.  What is it about highlanders that gets me all riled up?  I refuse to allow myself to become distracted again.Â
I did leave my room this evening, and spoke to a pink haired Lalafell woman.  Apparently while I’ve been locked away, the world has been changing.  The gates of Ishgard have opened and there’s a manufactory there that’s open to teaching people.  I can only benefit from a lesson such as that when it comes to my future work of making organs.  Everything that I’ve used so far has been organic.  Perhaps I can learn how to work with mechanics to create them.  I look forward to this trip, though it would be excellent to have someone to escort me there.  I hear it’s dangerous on the way and well.  I am rubbish at defending myself.  I was supposed to be heading north this week anyway… I am going to attempt an effort to get out there to explore.  Something new to keep me moving forward…
I am down one best friend, but… I have learned things.  I’m not sure if that is a good trade-off, but I’ll have to settle for it.  Onward to new friends and new adventures… maybe.
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Entry EightI have a meeting on Wednesday with the leader of an organization that can help me get ‘Blue’ on the streets.  I’m not quite sure if they’ll be interested in my other products- since those are mostly for prostitutes to sell. Â
I’ve also finally made it out to Ishgard with the assistance of the two Roe in the Company, Maruud and Hammersmith.  they both made me well aware that I now owe them a debt for their help.  Maruud was very wishy washy about it- making it seem like he didn’t care to collect.  Hammersmith though… I am sure that he will find me for something someday.  Not that I mind- I do not like having debts.  I will be more than happy to assist him when the time comes.
 It’s very cold here, though the machinist guild is nice and warm.  I find myself having to go outside just to get some fresh air.  Two extremes.  Makes for living outside on a bench difficult. I’m saving funds since I’ve cut off the grants that Otto was giving me.  I’ve never felt right accepting his money, especially now.  Though I am forever grateful for the help he gave me in my time of extreme need.  I never told him how bad things were for me when we had met.  I now have a lab back at the Company house because of him and somewhere to sleep indoors.  … I miss him.  I still love him, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I constantly felt like I was never enough.  Either way, now I’m sleeping on a bench again, and while it is cold, it is temporary.  Everything is temporary.
I ran into my other tall, dark and handsome highlander earlier… he offered to let me stay with him in his room that he has gotten.  We’ve together twice for… recreational activities.  I’m sure that if I engage in that sort of behavior with him again it will start entering sketchy territory.  He seems nice enough and wants a family.  I thought that I could offer something like that, but I feel I was mistaken.  Perhaps it would be best if I didn’t visit him anymore during my time here in the snowy city.  I’m sure weakness will take over… I may end up at his doorstep.
Learning to move and work metal is absolutely fascinating.  I’m getting quite the hang of it and I’m sure I’ll be able to construct organs in no time.  There’s a lot of fine-tuning that I’ll need to work on.  I also believe that while I am here that I will find a tutor in shooting.  I had to be escorted here because I have no self-defense.  I feel like shooting a gun should be easy enough with some practice. Â
I hate Aetheryte travel and often feel like vomiting after going from one place to another that way, so I plan on staying here as long as I can before I go back to the House.  Though I was recently hanging out with Rosalin and these very strange twins- I can not for the life of me remember their names.  It was nice spending time with some females and chatting about… whatever.  She told me I’ll have to come out more- so I believe I will.  I suppose a bit of socialization never hurt anyone.
I’ve also finally made it out to Ishgard with the assistance of the two Roe in the Company, Maruud and Hammersmith.  they both made me well aware that I now owe them a debt for their help.  Maruud was very wishy washy about it- making it seem like he didn’t care to collect.  Hammersmith though… I am sure that he will find me for something someday.  Not that I mind- I do not like having debts.  I will be more than happy to assist him when the time comes.
 It’s very cold here, though the machinist guild is nice and warm.  I find myself having to go outside just to get some fresh air.  Two extremes.  Makes for living outside on a bench difficult. I’m saving funds since I’ve cut off the grants that Otto was giving me.  I’ve never felt right accepting his money, especially now.  Though I am forever grateful for the help he gave me in my time of extreme need.  I never told him how bad things were for me when we had met.  I now have a lab back at the Company house because of him and somewhere to sleep indoors.  … I miss him.  I still love him, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I constantly felt like I was never enough.  Either way, now I’m sleeping on a bench again, and while it is cold, it is temporary.  Everything is temporary.
I ran into my other tall, dark and handsome highlander earlier… he offered to let me stay with him in his room that he has gotten.  We’ve together twice for… recreational activities.  I’m sure that if I engage in that sort of behavior with him again it will start entering sketchy territory.  He seems nice enough and wants a family.  I thought that I could offer something like that, but I feel I was mistaken.  Perhaps it would be best if I didn’t visit him anymore during my time here in the snowy city.  I’m sure weakness will take over… I may end up at his doorstep.
Learning to move and work metal is absolutely fascinating.  I’m getting quite the hang of it and I’m sure I’ll be able to construct organs in no time.  There’s a lot of fine-tuning that I’ll need to work on.  I also believe that while I am here that I will find a tutor in shooting.  I had to be escorted here because I have no self-defense.  I feel like shooting a gun should be easy enough with some practice. Â
I hate Aetheryte travel and often feel like vomiting after going from one place to another that way, so I plan on staying here as long as I can before I go back to the House.  Though I was recently hanging out with Rosalin and these very strange twins- I can not for the life of me remember their names.  It was nice spending time with some females and chatting about… whatever.  She told me I’ll have to come out more- so I believe I will.  I suppose a bit of socialization never hurt anyone.
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Entry Nine((A warning- I wrote this as Fiona ‘intoxicated’ on pills.  It might not make sense.))
If anyone really knew what went through my head at any given moment, I’m sure that I’d have a lot more friends that were of the male persuasion.  Though honestly I’m sure that they’d only be friends with me because all I want to do is touch them and bring them to bed with me.  It’s better that I don’t show that side of me in public, since it’d be a shit show.  I’m a professional, not a floosy.  Though I have been prone to picking up someone randomly, or hiring a male companion for the evening- it’s just easier if I pay them and don’t develop any sort of feelings for them.
last evening someone told me that they have developed feelings for me.  I’m not quite sure how to handle this, since they are a wonderful and nice person.  I think the world of them, but I’m just not quite sure if they’re the man for me when everything is said and done.  I do not see them as my long term partner in crime.  I see them as someone that I want to want, but I don’t want… and he wants me, but I don’t know if he wants me or if he wishes that I was the girl for him, but since I’m fucking him I’ll have to do for now for cuddles.  I hate to cuddle- I never even cuddled with Otto that long.
I’ve made great progress on my pills.  I’ve created the final model which will be the one sold on the market.  I changed the color to Purple because I got sick of blue- that and I make other pills blue, but none of my pills purple.  It will be easy to tell which pill is which now.  I do feel morally wrong selling pills that have the potential to ruin someone’s life like pills have ruined mine.  I need money though, and it is for the greater good.  Once I have enough money saved up I can do my research and never have to make another pill again.  Watch- I’ll be hungry with power after awhile and keep going.  I am not not aware that this is a possibility.  I just hope that this is what I don’t do.
Making pills is boring, mindless work.  At this point I have memorized the formula and it takes me seconds to put the mixture together, and then I just put them in molds and wait.  Figuring out how to make it a solid pill and not in a capsule has greatly helped the process of making the pills, I don’t have to sit there and spoon tiny little amounts of pills into little tabs again. Â
I want to meet someone, I think.  I think I need someone to be my partner in crime, not just.. around.  Or loving.  Or nice.  I want them to want me.  To want everything with me.  To help me run an empire.  I used to think I had that.  With Baern, with Otto.  It wasn’t true- it wasn’t what was really happening.  With Mr. Now, I don’t think it’ a thing that could ever happen.  I see him having little to no direction- perhaps that’s why I don’t take the idea of him and me being a we all that interesting. Â
I want to work more.  I work all the time, but I feel like I can work more.  I won’t worry about relationships and I won’t worry about bullshit.  I’ll just lock myself in my lab and always work and alwys get better tat just about anything and everything I do.
.. Maybe I’ll hire a hooker to smack the shit out of me for an hour before I get to work.  I’ll help me concentrate.
If anyone really knew what went through my head at any given moment, I’m sure that I’d have a lot more friends that were of the male persuasion.  Though honestly I’m sure that they’d only be friends with me because all I want to do is touch them and bring them to bed with me.  It’s better that I don’t show that side of me in public, since it’d be a shit show.  I’m a professional, not a floosy.  Though I have been prone to picking up someone randomly, or hiring a male companion for the evening- it’s just easier if I pay them and don’t develop any sort of feelings for them.
last evening someone told me that they have developed feelings for me.  I’m not quite sure how to handle this, since they are a wonderful and nice person.  I think the world of them, but I’m just not quite sure if they’re the man for me when everything is said and done.  I do not see them as my long term partner in crime.  I see them as someone that I want to want, but I don’t want… and he wants me, but I don’t know if he wants me or if he wishes that I was the girl for him, but since I’m fucking him I’ll have to do for now for cuddles.  I hate to cuddle- I never even cuddled with Otto that long.
I’ve made great progress on my pills.  I’ve created the final model which will be the one sold on the market.  I changed the color to Purple because I got sick of blue- that and I make other pills blue, but none of my pills purple.  It will be easy to tell which pill is which now.  I do feel morally wrong selling pills that have the potential to ruin someone’s life like pills have ruined mine.  I need money though, and it is for the greater good.  Once I have enough money saved up I can do my research and never have to make another pill again.  Watch- I’ll be hungry with power after awhile and keep going.  I am not not aware that this is a possibility.  I just hope that this is what I don’t do.
Making pills is boring, mindless work.  At this point I have memorized the formula and it takes me seconds to put the mixture together, and then I just put them in molds and wait.  Figuring out how to make it a solid pill and not in a capsule has greatly helped the process of making the pills, I don’t have to sit there and spoon tiny little amounts of pills into little tabs again. Â
I want to meet someone, I think.  I think I need someone to be my partner in crime, not just.. around.  Or loving.  Or nice.  I want them to want me.  To want everything with me.  To help me run an empire.  I used to think I had that.  With Baern, with Otto.  It wasn’t true- it wasn’t what was really happening.  With Mr. Now, I don’t think it’ a thing that could ever happen.  I see him having little to no direction- perhaps that’s why I don’t take the idea of him and me being a we all that interesting. Â
I want to work more.  I work all the time, but I feel like I can work more.  I won’t worry about relationships and I won’t worry about bullshit.  I’ll just lock myself in my lab and always work and alwys get better tat just about anything and everything I do.
.. Maybe I’ll hire a hooker to smack the shit out of me for an hour before I get to work.  I’ll help me concentrate.
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Entry TenIt is increasingly frustrating that I do not know how to find SOMEONE that wants to make money by selling pills.  I don’t know how any one else gets by with being a dealer, but I can’t make it happen.  I had countless meetings with one woman/organization and it went to shit- upon contacting her for our final meetings I was met with silence.  Things are always way more complicated then they have to be. Â
I have not seen Rosa- I have tried to contact her, but there has been no reply.  I do hope she is alright.  She told me she was going to travel to attempt to find a cure for her… condition, so I hope that’s what she’s doing and she is successful.  I have a few theories on how I can help her prolong what life she has left.  She did seem worried that she was fading quick.  I feel bad since she had just found someone to care for after being closed off for so long.  She seemed… happy.  Or maybe I haven’t heard from her because she’s in some relationship related bliss and she doesn’t have time for me anymore.  … I miss her, either way. Â
Though, that is not to say that I am completely friendless now.  I have befriended a man named Pepe, who at first- I was attracted to.  The hair… I think it was the hair.  After asking him out for a drink, he turned me down, but since we have actually become… friends.  There was a deal that he protected me during- I had to flee and in an effort to protect the formula for my product, took a handful of my pills.  He carried me to safety and we talked for hours… he even fed me soup and pet my hair when I wasn’t feeling well.  We’ve become great friends.  People joke that we should be together romantically since we are with one another constantly , but that attraction I held for him when we met has subsided.  … Not to say that it -can’t- happen, but it likely won’t, and I am completely fine with that.  … He may be the first that I’ve been able to trust with my life.
Gorbaltz… he has popped in and out of my life- claiming to be my brother and wanting to protect me, but then disappearing for days.  We are blood related, through my mother who apparently wasn’t skilled in getting abortions for unwanted children.  Too bad she didn’t have a doctor like me.  I’m unsure of what to think of him, but it’s really inconsequential since I barely see him.  A mild annoyance that I deal with when he decides to show his face… which strangely looks a lot like mine.
My face.  Apparently, I am hideous.  I’ve had this problem customer come into the bar when I’m working and outright insult me and tell me I’m a Goblin.  I don’t know why someone would do that.  I know that I’m nothing fantastic, but to say it to my face… why do I even care.  I don’t.  The man had a new drug that I have been in the process of analyzing and recreating.  I’ve been sleeping outside instead of in the inn room to save up the money to buy the ingredients I need for the replication.  Pepe is excited about it- he’d be upset if he knew I was sleeping outside to do it.  He thinks I just spend all of my gil on Prostitutes, which… isn’t true in the slightest.  I constantly recreate and make medicines and poisons… it goes towards my work, and occasionally a quick fuck to keep my mind steady of I get too ansy.  It is absolutely required for me to keep functional.  I don’t know how he doesn’t understand that.  … Downright makes me feel like shit because of it.  It’s okay though.  … I guess it’s okay.
Waitressing.  … I fucking hate waitressing.  I am quitting soon.  I hope.  Once I get some other work going.  I need to make sure I have a steady income before giving up my shit job.  Let’s see if I can get the ball rolling.  I’m horrible at organizing my life.
I have not seen Rosa- I have tried to contact her, but there has been no reply.  I do hope she is alright.  She told me she was going to travel to attempt to find a cure for her… condition, so I hope that’s what she’s doing and she is successful.  I have a few theories on how I can help her prolong what life she has left.  She did seem worried that she was fading quick.  I feel bad since she had just found someone to care for after being closed off for so long.  She seemed… happy.  Or maybe I haven’t heard from her because she’s in some relationship related bliss and she doesn’t have time for me anymore.  … I miss her, either way. Â
Though, that is not to say that I am completely friendless now.  I have befriended a man named Pepe, who at first- I was attracted to.  The hair… I think it was the hair.  After asking him out for a drink, he turned me down, but since we have actually become… friends.  There was a deal that he protected me during- I had to flee and in an effort to protect the formula for my product, took a handful of my pills.  He carried me to safety and we talked for hours… he even fed me soup and pet my hair when I wasn’t feeling well.  We’ve become great friends.  People joke that we should be together romantically since we are with one another constantly , but that attraction I held for him when we met has subsided.  … Not to say that it -can’t- happen, but it likely won’t, and I am completely fine with that.  … He may be the first that I’ve been able to trust with my life.
Gorbaltz… he has popped in and out of my life- claiming to be my brother and wanting to protect me, but then disappearing for days.  We are blood related, through my mother who apparently wasn’t skilled in getting abortions for unwanted children.  Too bad she didn’t have a doctor like me.  I’m unsure of what to think of him, but it’s really inconsequential since I barely see him.  A mild annoyance that I deal with when he decides to show his face… which strangely looks a lot like mine.
My face.  Apparently, I am hideous.  I’ve had this problem customer come into the bar when I’m working and outright insult me and tell me I’m a Goblin.  I don’t know why someone would do that.  I know that I’m nothing fantastic, but to say it to my face… why do I even care.  I don’t.  The man had a new drug that I have been in the process of analyzing and recreating.  I’ve been sleeping outside instead of in the inn room to save up the money to buy the ingredients I need for the replication.  Pepe is excited about it- he’d be upset if he knew I was sleeping outside to do it.  He thinks I just spend all of my gil on Prostitutes, which… isn’t true in the slightest.  I constantly recreate and make medicines and poisons… it goes towards my work, and occasionally a quick fuck to keep my mind steady of I get too ansy.  It is absolutely required for me to keep functional.  I don’t know how he doesn’t understand that.  … Downright makes me feel like shit because of it.  It’s okay though.  … I guess it’s okay.
Waitressing.  … I fucking hate waitressing.  I am quitting soon.  I hope.  Once I get some other work going.  I need to make sure I have a steady income before giving up my shit job.  Let’s see if I can get the ball rolling.  I’m horrible at organizing my life.
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Entry ElevenWhen you’re busy you don’t have time to write.  I have certainly been keeping busy.
Duck got me started with my own lab in Thanalan which I was confused about, but accepted.  I wanted to argue and turn it down, but I doubt that turning down something from a man who you witnessed murder a defenseless woman in cold blood isn’t something you should do.  Either way, it was beneficial to my work, because I have been producing massive amounts of Purple Orchid, which has been selling like hotcakes.  I got enough money put aside to begin my research again.  I needed a legit facility, so I went back to the Harbingers to see if they’d put me up.  I offered help in Support again and was accepted back in their ranks.  I work in both labs now, keeping up with pill production, and then head to the estate to work on my research.  I also joined the Strategy branch to work with Edda on some projects.  … I do enjoy doctoring in Support, but I think that my time with the BCG made me miss the more mysterious things.  Once I got the lab, I didn’t see the rest of the crew very much.  Pepe was standing guard with me for awhile, but even he got other projects to work on and I didn’t see him as much.  … It got lonely.
I have been keeping my drug habit under control, for the most part.  I was going to ween, but every time I try I get violently ill.  I’ve had to up my doseage as I get used to each doseage from before.  One day perhaps I’ll attempt to detox myself, but that… I don’t want to be like that.  Someone that is detoxing is… out of control.  Though I find the higher my doseage is, the more I visit brothels.  Though that just might because I actually have money…
There have been some new faces around the Harbinger’s Estate.  One of the women there offered to tell me my fortune through cards. Â
For my future… the Judgement Card.
“Judgement when drawn for the past denotes that a milestone was reached in regards to the development of your inner self. A time when you walked through fire and were transformed by it, renewed. It acknowledges that you reached this point by releasing anything negative prior, reminders from the ‘old’ you and reminders of the past.  So, past could be as far back as yesterday to as far back as you can remember.â€
Have I done this?  Have I ever let go of anything?  … I don’t think so at all.  The only thing I can think that I’ve overcome is physical disease, but that wasn’t me… that was my father that saved me, I didn’t… actually overcome anything.
I’m still on pills… I’m still… broken.
For my present… The Queen of Swords.
“She’s a representative of yourself or someone you know that doesn’t necessarily have to be female. The Queen is someone that’s faced reality and while she’s endured harships she has learned to accepts truths. She transforms into the self assured queen as on the card. A woman released from the bonds that double, confusion and illusion create. She implores you to see clearly and think freely.â€Â
Perhaps I would have enjoyed this card more if it was for my future, giving me a bit of hope, but for my present… it makes me think that fortunetelling is a crock of shit.
For my future… The Wheel of Fortune.
“With this card in your future it indicates that some things will come to a close, and some things will begin. Life decisions and milestones are on the way and some will have just passed. Anything you set in motion at this point will bear fruit when the wheel turns full circle. Examine your situation and adjust your actions accordingly to produce a better tomorrow.â€
 This card sounds like life.  I don’t see how this is a fortune rather than stating the obvious.
Things happen.  Things change.  Life happens.  … I would hope that great things happen to everyone.
… why the fuck did I decide to write in this thing?  I’ve got work to to do.  … I’m a very busy.
Duck got me started with my own lab in Thanalan which I was confused about, but accepted.  I wanted to argue and turn it down, but I doubt that turning down something from a man who you witnessed murder a defenseless woman in cold blood isn’t something you should do.  Either way, it was beneficial to my work, because I have been producing massive amounts of Purple Orchid, which has been selling like hotcakes.  I got enough money put aside to begin my research again.  I needed a legit facility, so I went back to the Harbingers to see if they’d put me up.  I offered help in Support again and was accepted back in their ranks.  I work in both labs now, keeping up with pill production, and then head to the estate to work on my research.  I also joined the Strategy branch to work with Edda on some projects.  … I do enjoy doctoring in Support, but I think that my time with the BCG made me miss the more mysterious things.  Once I got the lab, I didn’t see the rest of the crew very much.  Pepe was standing guard with me for awhile, but even he got other projects to work on and I didn’t see him as much.  … It got lonely.
I have been keeping my drug habit under control, for the most part.  I was going to ween, but every time I try I get violently ill.  I’ve had to up my doseage as I get used to each doseage from before.  One day perhaps I’ll attempt to detox myself, but that… I don’t want to be like that.  Someone that is detoxing is… out of control.  Though I find the higher my doseage is, the more I visit brothels.  Though that just might because I actually have money…
There have been some new faces around the Harbinger’s Estate.  One of the women there offered to tell me my fortune through cards. Â
For my future… the Judgement Card.
“Judgement when drawn for the past denotes that a milestone was reached in regards to the development of your inner self. A time when you walked through fire and were transformed by it, renewed. It acknowledges that you reached this point by releasing anything negative prior, reminders from the ‘old’ you and reminders of the past.  So, past could be as far back as yesterday to as far back as you can remember.â€
Have I done this?  Have I ever let go of anything?  … I don’t think so at all.  The only thing I can think that I’ve overcome is physical disease, but that wasn’t me… that was my father that saved me, I didn’t… actually overcome anything.
I’m still on pills… I’m still… broken.
For my present… The Queen of Swords.
“She’s a representative of yourself or someone you know that doesn’t necessarily have to be female. The Queen is someone that’s faced reality and while she’s endured harships she has learned to accepts truths. She transforms into the self assured queen as on the card. A woman released from the bonds that double, confusion and illusion create. She implores you to see clearly and think freely.â€Â
Perhaps I would have enjoyed this card more if it was for my future, giving me a bit of hope, but for my present… it makes me think that fortunetelling is a crock of shit.
For my future… The Wheel of Fortune.
“With this card in your future it indicates that some things will come to a close, and some things will begin. Life decisions and milestones are on the way and some will have just passed. Anything you set in motion at this point will bear fruit when the wheel turns full circle. Examine your situation and adjust your actions accordingly to produce a better tomorrow.â€
 This card sounds like life.  I don’t see how this is a fortune rather than stating the obvious.
Things happen.  Things change.  Life happens.  … I would hope that great things happen to everyone.
… why the fuck did I decide to write in this thing?  I’ve got work to to do.  … I’m a very busy.
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Entry TwelveOne of the first times I met Duck he blugeoned an innocent woman to death with one of my medical instruments.  I leaped at him and tried to stop him, her blood spattering all over me.  Pepe had to pull me off him and carry me away from the scene.  … I remember vomiting over a fence, recalling how horrible it was, Pepe telling me that this wasn’t something I’d be able to handle.
Pepe and I joked.  I said that he’d fall in love with me on the day I told him I killed a man.  We laughed because it was so far fetched, but now… now we’re not too sure.  The days where I’d ever want him to fall in love with me are gone, but if I have to, Gorbaltz is going to die. Â
Duck and I sat on the beach today and watched the sun. We spoke about killing my brother. Â About work. About love and obsession. Â Partnerships.
It’s difficult being truthful with yourself…
… I’ve turned into a Monster.
Pepe and I joked.  I said that he’d fall in love with me on the day I told him I killed a man.  We laughed because it was so far fetched, but now… now we’re not too sure.  The days where I’d ever want him to fall in love with me are gone, but if I have to, Gorbaltz is going to die. Â
Duck and I sat on the beach today and watched the sun. We spoke about killing my brother. Â About work. About love and obsession. Â Partnerships.
It’s difficult being truthful with yourself…
… I’ve turned into a Monster.
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Unwritten Entry- Personal StoryShe had no idea what she was doing as she watched the large specimen of a man exit her lab, cursing in his foreign tongue.  She was out of her element, unsure of what exactly the next step was.  Usually kissing led to sex and when there’s no sex there’s just… feelings and confusion.  She would touch her lips for a moment before grumbling, pulling out half a smoked cigarette that Pepe had given her earlier in the night.  Plopping down on a crate, she lit it up and would puff away, closing her eyes. Attempting to relax.  Frustration would strike.  She’d look towards where the man stormed off like she wanted to follow, but instead she would curse and slam her head back against the wall, crying out in pain as her skull hit a jagged rock.  She held her hand over the spot she hit, feeling it start to get wet with her own blood.  Huffing (and whimpering), she hops off of her crate and takes the last puff of her cigarette before tossing it to the side, heading back inside the dark lab.
Why did she even care about any of this? Â Her brother was just killed two days prior. Â She should feel guilty about that. Â Not worried about this. Â
I wanted company…
So did she. Â She never wanted a brother, but she got a brother. Â And it was so easy to say the word, to have him put down, but now that he was gone, her only hope of having someone in her life was gone. Â
She wanted company…
She leaned her head down over the sink to wash the back of her head, closing her eyes as she stood there, recalling phrases from her ex-husband’s journal she snuck a peek at long ago.
“I love you, Fiona.† It’s all I said for a while.  I was just there to try and make her happy, I wanted to.  I wanted to gush like a teenager with his first flame, but I had to show reserve with her.Â
She couldn’t handle the gushing.  Each moment they got closer the further she pulled away.  When she finally agreed to marry him, she left him just hours later, unable to handle the commitment.  Though she always knew they were wrong for one another, from different worlds.  Unalike in so many ways.  He’d take care of her… he babied her.  He would brush her hair and make sure she ate like a child.  He paid for her clothing and dressed her up to be the doll he wanted her to be.  She knew she’d never be happy.
What was different now? Â Why was this different?
She wanted company…
She wanted a partner in crime.
She wanted a partner. Â
Why did she even care about any of this? Â Her brother was just killed two days prior. Â She should feel guilty about that. Â Not worried about this. Â
I wanted company…
So did she. Â She never wanted a brother, but she got a brother. Â And it was so easy to say the word, to have him put down, but now that he was gone, her only hope of having someone in her life was gone. Â
She wanted company…
She leaned her head down over the sink to wash the back of her head, closing her eyes as she stood there, recalling phrases from her ex-husband’s journal she snuck a peek at long ago.
“I love you, Fiona.† It’s all I said for a while.  I was just there to try and make her happy, I wanted to.  I wanted to gush like a teenager with his first flame, but I had to show reserve with her.Â
She couldn’t handle the gushing.  Each moment they got closer the further she pulled away.  When she finally agreed to marry him, she left him just hours later, unable to handle the commitment.  Though she always knew they were wrong for one another, from different worlds.  Unalike in so many ways.  He’d take care of her… he babied her.  He would brush her hair and make sure she ate like a child.  He paid for her clothing and dressed her up to be the doll he wanted her to be.  She knew she’d never be happy.
What was different now? Â Why was this different?
She wanted company…
She wanted a partner in crime.
She wanted a partner. Â
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Entry ThirteenNew lab obtained.  The location is a bit of a hike, but perfectly secluded and a wonderful working space for my product.  I’ll have to get some sort of dehumidifier in the place though and have someone come patch up all of the holes in the walls and the semi-leaky roof.  Otherwise, the area is perfect and I can see myself happily able to get a lot of work done there. Â
Duck and his sales team have enough pills to hopefully be able to last through the next two weeks.  I didn’t think they would sell as fast as they’ve been selling.  When I made the initial batches, my projection was that they would last one month.  I am pleased that this venture has worked out, and grateful to Duck for investing in this business.  I’m not too sure about the rest of our sales team yet.  I’ve had an old… acquaintance express interested in joining the venture.  He is a sex worker that I may have visited on occasion.  Apparently they miss me in the brothel and he wrote me to make sure I was alive.  While disappointed that I at the moment have no need to visit for sexual activities, was interested in the sales opportunity.
Work for the Harbingers is busy.  I have completed my in-house lab for the Support Branch while working on items for the Strategy Branch.  I was asked by Vincents to basically torture a woman that we have in our jail cell, which I flat out had to tell her I wouldn’t do.  Sometimes I talk to her and she seems like she has her shit together, and the other times I want to smack her for acting like a child.  I suppose we are friends though so I’ll attempt to redirect her during those times.
I’ve realized that my tolerance for basic medical work has gotten low.  We had a patient that accidentally LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE attempting to impress a woman.  Why anyone would go to those lengths to impress anyone is beyond me.  I instructed one of the other Support Members to tend to the wounds, providing supervision and suggestion.  So many are so quick to use Aether to heal things, but I believe more people need to know basic medical knowledge like tending to burns.  And honestly, if you’re stupid enough to burn yourself you deserve to have to live with it for a few days.
Once again attempting to spend personal time with another in a romantic capacity.  It has moved past the awkward stage of me telling myself I’m not interested in companionship and him being… screamy.  I gave him flowers as per suggestion of Pepe, and it seemed to be a turning point.  We have taken part in dates now.  When I was with Otto we didn’t go on dates.  I didn’t want to be seen with him in public, so we always stayed inside.  This whole being taken out thing is… nice.  I don’t need to worry about him having extra wives walking around to see us together and bother me by attempting to get me to engage in a foursome.  A perk in any relationship.  I think being with someone I’m not ashamed to be seen with is a huge plus in making me comfortable enough to be with them.  Though we are still in the very early stages.  He tells me to stop thinking about it so much, but it’s in my nature to analyze the situation.  Like with all things, I strive to be the best at being a partner as I do a scholar, scientist, anything.  … Maybe I should just shut up and relax at the beach some more.Â
I arranged everything to test my new berserker drug soon. Â After speaking with Hammersmith, I gained some good insight on adjustments and tweaks I can make to the elixir. Â I have my guard arranged and a test subject. Â I still feel my heart is too weak to test anything on myself. Â
Speaking of, my own detox from the toned down O.S. will be soon… if things slow down for me a bit.  It’s hard to put two or three days aside to be a shaking blubbering mess.  I also need someone to sit with me and make sure I don’t go for pills.  I was going to ask Pepe, but I feel like he has expressed an interest in other things recently than hanging around.  … I am iffy about asking Duck.  I feel like he’d… judge me.  I know he knows I’m taking something, he’s mentioned he knows I take drugs. I’ve said it’s my heart medication, which is true… but not the full story.  I have already put my heart medication in a pill on its own without the O.S. to take during that period.  I am worried about the cravings putting strain on my heart during the detox.  I have been slowly weening myself off of the drug, but enough is enough.  … I am not a weak person.  I shouldn’t need this anymore.
During times when I’m alone with my thoughts I think of Gorbaltz.  I constantly wonder if I made a mistake.  What is done is done.  He was my only connection to my mother… he looked like her.
Stop thinking about it, Fiona.
Duck and his sales team have enough pills to hopefully be able to last through the next two weeks.  I didn’t think they would sell as fast as they’ve been selling.  When I made the initial batches, my projection was that they would last one month.  I am pleased that this venture has worked out, and grateful to Duck for investing in this business.  I’m not too sure about the rest of our sales team yet.  I’ve had an old… acquaintance express interested in joining the venture.  He is a sex worker that I may have visited on occasion.  Apparently they miss me in the brothel and he wrote me to make sure I was alive.  While disappointed that I at the moment have no need to visit for sexual activities, was interested in the sales opportunity.
Work for the Harbingers is busy.  I have completed my in-house lab for the Support Branch while working on items for the Strategy Branch.  I was asked by Vincents to basically torture a woman that we have in our jail cell, which I flat out had to tell her I wouldn’t do.  Sometimes I talk to her and she seems like she has her shit together, and the other times I want to smack her for acting like a child.  I suppose we are friends though so I’ll attempt to redirect her during those times.
I’ve realized that my tolerance for basic medical work has gotten low.  We had a patient that accidentally LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE attempting to impress a woman.  Why anyone would go to those lengths to impress anyone is beyond me.  I instructed one of the other Support Members to tend to the wounds, providing supervision and suggestion.  So many are so quick to use Aether to heal things, but I believe more people need to know basic medical knowledge like tending to burns.  And honestly, if you’re stupid enough to burn yourself you deserve to have to live with it for a few days.
Once again attempting to spend personal time with another in a romantic capacity.  It has moved past the awkward stage of me telling myself I’m not interested in companionship and him being… screamy.  I gave him flowers as per suggestion of Pepe, and it seemed to be a turning point.  We have taken part in dates now.  When I was with Otto we didn’t go on dates.  I didn’t want to be seen with him in public, so we always stayed inside.  This whole being taken out thing is… nice.  I don’t need to worry about him having extra wives walking around to see us together and bother me by attempting to get me to engage in a foursome.  A perk in any relationship.  I think being with someone I’m not ashamed to be seen with is a huge plus in making me comfortable enough to be with them.  Though we are still in the very early stages.  He tells me to stop thinking about it so much, but it’s in my nature to analyze the situation.  Like with all things, I strive to be the best at being a partner as I do a scholar, scientist, anything.  … Maybe I should just shut up and relax at the beach some more.Â
I arranged everything to test my new berserker drug soon. Â After speaking with Hammersmith, I gained some good insight on adjustments and tweaks I can make to the elixir. Â I have my guard arranged and a test subject. Â I still feel my heart is too weak to test anything on myself. Â
Speaking of, my own detox from the toned down O.S. will be soon… if things slow down for me a bit.  It’s hard to put two or three days aside to be a shaking blubbering mess.  I also need someone to sit with me and make sure I don’t go for pills.  I was going to ask Pepe, but I feel like he has expressed an interest in other things recently than hanging around.  … I am iffy about asking Duck.  I feel like he’d… judge me.  I know he knows I’m taking something, he’s mentioned he knows I take drugs. I’ve said it’s my heart medication, which is true… but not the full story.  I have already put my heart medication in a pill on its own without the O.S. to take during that period.  I am worried about the cravings putting strain on my heart during the detox.  I have been slowly weening myself off of the drug, but enough is enough.  … I am not a weak person.  I shouldn’t need this anymore.
During times when I’m alone with my thoughts I think of Gorbaltz.  I constantly wonder if I made a mistake.  What is done is done.  He was my only connection to my mother… he looked like her.
Stop thinking about it, Fiona.
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Entry FourteenThings are getting serious.  All aspects of life are getting… intense.  I worked in a lab all my life.  My only friend was a forty-something year old man that fed me pills. Â
I am sober now.  For the first time since I was twelve.  I recruited a friend, Sebastian to help me with the detox.  I didn’t want Rhotaent to have to see me sick.  Sebastian came and helped clean my room of pills.  We destroyed them and he took them away.  Then went and told me to call him if I needed him.  … Left alone with my chemistry set to just whip up some drugs if I so did desire.  I couldn’t stay alone, so in the end I ended up with Rhotaent anyway.  Three days of sweating, vomiting, and sleeping.  I hardly remember most of it- he took care of me to the best of his ability. Â
After back to the Harbinger’s.  Back to work on making Edda her fight enhancing drugs.  Back to the everyday workings.  Sitting in meetings, finding myself not giving two hoots about anything that happens there.  It’s so… normal.  So everyday.  Why is there something so wrong with the everyday normal things now?
Rhotaent and I went to visit the fortune tellers in Limsa for shits and giggles.  They told us that we are going to be poor, and basically hate one another.  It was suggested we go back to the beginning, and then go on a journey together.  I didn’t take much stock in what they had to say, but he seemed like he believed in it.  So, I took him to the beginning.  First, where we met.  Though that wasn’t good enough to be the beginning, so I started to take him to the lab.  … Where I gave him the flowers.  It wasn’t there.  It was burnt to the ground.  He yelled at me to move on, so we rode north. Â
I didn’t know we had an enemy.  He always said that we would if we were going to try and put new drugs on the market, but he didn’t tell me we already did.  They burnt down the lab hoping that I was still there.  We kept on the move, avoiding traveling back to any of the cities by Aetheryte because of my aversion to them.  On our way, we arrived at Garlean territory, and to get around we had to climb a mountain.  … If anyone knows me they know that there’s no way I’m climbing anything.  Rhotaent took me onto his back and climbed the way…
It made me want to never be a burden again.
Eventually we made our way to Ishgard after he couldn’t handle the cold and into an inn room.  We slept there, and were surprised in the morning by an intruder.  They attacked Rhotaent when he was searching the room, and I hit them with the poker from the fireplace.  He just kept stabbing Rhotaent over again and again and I just kept hitting him.  Rhotaent grabbed him and drowned him in the bathtub, snapping his neck.  I had to make quick work of patching him up so we could get out of the city.  Screw my aversion to Aetheryte travel, we made our way back to the Mists as fast as we could.  Again vomiting and sick on the way as I practically crawled back to Dullahan’s. Â
It made me want to never be vulnerable again.
Thinking that our… journey- to the beginning, and out of a pit.  It made me… have feelings.  Strong ones.  And when I brought them up he… went cold.  Out of nowhere he reminded me that he’s still in love with another woman.  … I lost it.  I handed him the ring that Otto gave me.  My black heart.  … I opened it to him and it was his now.  I was about to leave, angry and hurt.  And as I was walking out the door he stopped me.  … He told me he just wants me. Â
It made me want to never be alone again.
Now I’m practicing shooting.  Running every day and keeping with my sobriety.  Who would have thought leading a life of crime and being a complete degenerate would have steered me on the right path?  … And next time someone tries to stab one of mine?  I’m shooting them in the fucking face.
I am sober now.  For the first time since I was twelve.  I recruited a friend, Sebastian to help me with the detox.  I didn’t want Rhotaent to have to see me sick.  Sebastian came and helped clean my room of pills.  We destroyed them and he took them away.  Then went and told me to call him if I needed him.  … Left alone with my chemistry set to just whip up some drugs if I so did desire.  I couldn’t stay alone, so in the end I ended up with Rhotaent anyway.  Three days of sweating, vomiting, and sleeping.  I hardly remember most of it- he took care of me to the best of his ability. Â
After back to the Harbinger’s.  Back to work on making Edda her fight enhancing drugs.  Back to the everyday workings.  Sitting in meetings, finding myself not giving two hoots about anything that happens there.  It’s so… normal.  So everyday.  Why is there something so wrong with the everyday normal things now?
Rhotaent and I went to visit the fortune tellers in Limsa for shits and giggles.  They told us that we are going to be poor, and basically hate one another.  It was suggested we go back to the beginning, and then go on a journey together.  I didn’t take much stock in what they had to say, but he seemed like he believed in it.  So, I took him to the beginning.  First, where we met.  Though that wasn’t good enough to be the beginning, so I started to take him to the lab.  … Where I gave him the flowers.  It wasn’t there.  It was burnt to the ground.  He yelled at me to move on, so we rode north. Â
I didn’t know we had an enemy.  He always said that we would if we were going to try and put new drugs on the market, but he didn’t tell me we already did.  They burnt down the lab hoping that I was still there.  We kept on the move, avoiding traveling back to any of the cities by Aetheryte because of my aversion to them.  On our way, we arrived at Garlean territory, and to get around we had to climb a mountain.  … If anyone knows me they know that there’s no way I’m climbing anything.  Rhotaent took me onto his back and climbed the way…
It made me want to never be a burden again.
Eventually we made our way to Ishgard after he couldn’t handle the cold and into an inn room.  We slept there, and were surprised in the morning by an intruder.  They attacked Rhotaent when he was searching the room, and I hit them with the poker from the fireplace.  He just kept stabbing Rhotaent over again and again and I just kept hitting him.  Rhotaent grabbed him and drowned him in the bathtub, snapping his neck.  I had to make quick work of patching him up so we could get out of the city.  Screw my aversion to Aetheryte travel, we made our way back to the Mists as fast as we could.  Again vomiting and sick on the way as I practically crawled back to Dullahan’s. Â
It made me want to never be vulnerable again.
Thinking that our… journey- to the beginning, and out of a pit.  It made me… have feelings.  Strong ones.  And when I brought them up he… went cold.  Out of nowhere he reminded me that he’s still in love with another woman.  … I lost it.  I handed him the ring that Otto gave me.  My black heart.  … I opened it to him and it was his now.  I was about to leave, angry and hurt.  And as I was walking out the door he stopped me.  … He told me he just wants me. Â
It made me want to never be alone again.
Now I’m practicing shooting.  Running every day and keeping with my sobriety.  Who would have thought leading a life of crime and being a complete degenerate would have steered me on the right path?  … And next time someone tries to stab one of mine?  I’m shooting them in the fucking face.
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Unwritten Entry- Personal StoryThere was something in the words he said to her that caught her off guard. Â
“… Look. No. Thats how you were back /then/? Give me a fuckin’ break. You were like this the entire time! –… Fuckin’… vibrant, smart… maybe a little clumsy or whatever. –… Bleedin’ twelve. You want to take the insult? Someone basically saying you’re–!! … mmmm… Saying you are dead inside?â€
—–
She sat at her desk, working on some sort of science.  She was in a new lab for the first time since she was cast from her father’s company now under the ruling of Baern Ravanelle.  She had been homeless for quite some time, and when she found the recruitment poster for the Harbingers, she figured she’d give it a shot.  She was shy, quiet, reserved.  Most of her time was spent here in the lab at her desk, scribbling away in her journals. Â
Her eyes squinted at the book- she lost her glasses and her eyesight was rubbish.  She had an old danky pair from forever ago that she couldn’t quite see out of, but one of the arms was broken and she had to hold them on her face- it was more trouble than it was worth. Â
The night prior she had seen a new patient- a tall, handsome bald highlander with the most magnificent mustache.  During his exam, she informed him that he took way too many drugs, and that he was to stop.  To show her that he was going to stop, he relinquished the drugs to her.  The drugs that she was now taking out of her desk drawer and making lines of on the surface.  She hadn’t ever snorted drugs before, but she ran out of the somnus that barely even worked for her, so she was ready to give this a shot.  She leaned over, sniffing it up, shooting up in her desk afterwards and would quickly clean it up after getting a knock on her door.
The tall highlander. He wanted to thank her for her services.  And Fiona was high as a kite.  She wasn’t quite sure how they started sleeping together, but they did.  She constantly rebuffed his affections, said she was in it for the sex.  And then it happened.  … The ring.
“For you, Fiona.  I made it.  Your black heart.â€
Something happened when she got the ring.  “Your black heart…† She could function normally- couldn’t she?  This man was nice enough.  He told her that he put her above all others.  That there would always be others, but he loved her.  His wives were trophies and she was what was real.  He dressed her up in fancy clothes and said he was going to show her off to the world.  She was too embarrassed to even leave the room.  To be seen with someone that was a known womanizer.  She knew he lied to her, but there was something about the ring that made her try…
She told him she loved him.  She wasn’t sure it was true, but it seemed like the thing that people did.  And because she told him that she also agreed to get married.  Because that’s what people did.  And five hours after the romantic ceremony of bribing a city official to sign off on a third marriage license, Fiona realized the terrible mistake that she made and didn’t show up for the honeymoon.
He was completely right.  She couldn’t love.  No matter how hard she tried.  She walked away and she felt nothing.  Nothing but relief that she was done trying to be something that she wasn’t.  She would work.  And she would be content.
—–
“You know why I gave you the ring… don’t you?  Why I took it off?  Why I finally stopped believing it?  Because of you.  … Because I fucking fell in love with you.â€Â
It went against everything she believed in.  He had no idea how difficult it was for her to say that.  How it was almost painful to admit something that she had been so against for so long.  His actions that evening screamed that he felt the same way, but… then he the next day he left.  And she was alone.  Too fast he said.  Like she had any sort of control. Â
She’d take her time.  She’d bury herself in her work.  She’d wait.  She knew she was not without her issues.  He checked her heart and breath as she went through some of her worst days.  And so she would wait while he went through his.
“… Look. No. Thats how you were back /then/? Give me a fuckin’ break. You were like this the entire time! –… Fuckin’… vibrant, smart… maybe a little clumsy or whatever. –… Bleedin’ twelve. You want to take the insult? Someone basically saying you’re–!! … mmmm… Saying you are dead inside?â€
—–
She sat at her desk, working on some sort of science.  She was in a new lab for the first time since she was cast from her father’s company now under the ruling of Baern Ravanelle.  She had been homeless for quite some time, and when she found the recruitment poster for the Harbingers, she figured she’d give it a shot.  She was shy, quiet, reserved.  Most of her time was spent here in the lab at her desk, scribbling away in her journals. Â
Her eyes squinted at the book- she lost her glasses and her eyesight was rubbish.  She had an old danky pair from forever ago that she couldn’t quite see out of, but one of the arms was broken and she had to hold them on her face- it was more trouble than it was worth. Â
The night prior she had seen a new patient- a tall, handsome bald highlander with the most magnificent mustache.  During his exam, she informed him that he took way too many drugs, and that he was to stop.  To show her that he was going to stop, he relinquished the drugs to her.  The drugs that she was now taking out of her desk drawer and making lines of on the surface.  She hadn’t ever snorted drugs before, but she ran out of the somnus that barely even worked for her, so she was ready to give this a shot.  She leaned over, sniffing it up, shooting up in her desk afterwards and would quickly clean it up after getting a knock on her door.
The tall highlander. He wanted to thank her for her services.  And Fiona was high as a kite.  She wasn’t quite sure how they started sleeping together, but they did.  She constantly rebuffed his affections, said she was in it for the sex.  And then it happened.  … The ring.
“For you, Fiona.  I made it.  Your black heart.â€
Something happened when she got the ring.  “Your black heart…† She could function normally- couldn’t she?  This man was nice enough.  He told her that he put her above all others.  That there would always be others, but he loved her.  His wives were trophies and she was what was real.  He dressed her up in fancy clothes and said he was going to show her off to the world.  She was too embarrassed to even leave the room.  To be seen with someone that was a known womanizer.  She knew he lied to her, but there was something about the ring that made her try…
She told him she loved him.  She wasn’t sure it was true, but it seemed like the thing that people did.  And because she told him that she also agreed to get married.  Because that’s what people did.  And five hours after the romantic ceremony of bribing a city official to sign off on a third marriage license, Fiona realized the terrible mistake that she made and didn’t show up for the honeymoon.
He was completely right.  She couldn’t love.  No matter how hard she tried.  She walked away and she felt nothing.  Nothing but relief that she was done trying to be something that she wasn’t.  She would work.  And she would be content.
—–
“You know why I gave you the ring… don’t you?  Why I took it off?  Why I finally stopped believing it?  Because of you.  … Because I fucking fell in love with you.â€Â
It went against everything she believed in.  He had no idea how difficult it was for her to say that.  How it was almost painful to admit something that she had been so against for so long.  His actions that evening screamed that he felt the same way, but… then he the next day he left.  And she was alone.  Too fast he said.  Like she had any sort of control. Â
She’d take her time.  She’d bury herself in her work.  She’d wait.  She knew she was not without her issues.  He checked her heart and breath as she went through some of her worst days.  And so she would wait while he went through his.
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Fiona Goes to Ishgard (Part One)Things for Fiona and Rhotaent have been quiet.  A little bit too quiet, really.  The inside of Rhotaent’s room was starting to collapse in on Fiona.  She got restless, having a taste of adventure and then her life slowing down to the same thing every day.  Work in the lab.  Screw around with manfriend at night.  Things seemed perfect.  Perfect isn’t always perfect.  Sometimes perfect is boring and doesn’t give you a lot to talk about.  There were only so many outfits a girl could put on to keep things spiced up.  She owned at least eight pairs of socks now, though four pairs didn’t quite make it.  Strong hands and raging lust made it difficult to keep thin socks intact.
When new socks are the highlight of your day, it’s time to shake it up.
Fiona sat in her lab at the Harbinger’s, a cheek in a hand, doodling pictures of people getting their heads blown off.  Opening a drawer, she removed a bottle of pills from the way back, opening it up, pouring the one pill inside into her palm.  Fiona stared at the pill for a bit, then tossed it back into the bottle, shoving it in the back of the drawer again.  Standing, she would clean up the organ she was currently working on and head out of the building, trotting to the boat to start a long and tedious journey to Ishgard.  She debated calling Rhotaent, but his complaining about the cold would have made her want to stab him, and him getting stabbed in Ishgard once was more than enough.  She could always call him once she was there so he wouldn’t feel obligated to not travel by Aetheryte.
It was a long trek, about four hours for her.  It was early yet, so when she stepped off of the airship, her stomach told her it was time for lunch.  There wasn’t a lot of forgetting to eat.  Daily running and shooting practice made Fiona a hungry girl.  No exercise today, but her body still compelled her to eat.  A short, average looking hyur looking for a sandwich in the stuffy city if Ishgard.  This was going to prove more difficult than she imagined. Â
She would ask for directions. Â No one seemed to want to give them to her. Â It had been forever since Fiona had trained at the machinist guild here, but eventually she did find the inn that she and Rhotaent had slept in overnight during their little visit a few months prior.Â
It was busy today- a lot of adventurers hanging about, drinking, having a seemingly good time. Â Fiona worked her way through the crowd and took a seat at the bar, waving the bartender down to ask for a large mug of ale and a sandwich. Â
While she was waiting, she’d notice something out of the corner of her eye- a man standing against the wall.  People would walk up to him, they would exchange something quickly and they’d walk away.  She kept an eye on him as she was served her drink and sandwich, trying not to make it too obvious that she was watching him.  A bite, a glance.  A bite, a glance.  The ale she was drinking was huge, and it was -very- alcoholic, so she also started to get a bit tipsy.  The sandwich was sub-par, but after a little bit of interesting conversation with a lalafel gentleman about gobbue spit and the drink, she felt she was ready to begin her investigation. Â
Digging through her pockets, she pulled out some gil and hopped off of the stool, making her way through the crowd to the man that was standing by the wall.  She hadn’t ever bought recreational drugs from anyone before, so she wasn’t one hundred percent sure what to say.  “What can I get for this?† She held up a few gil, lifting her brow to the man.  Not really looking at her, he dipped into his pockets and pulled out a bag with two purple pills, and a vial of yellow powder.  Fiona stared down at the items then looked back up at him.  “How much for both?†Â
Paying the man, she pocketed the items and started to make her way back to the bartender to request a room for the evening. Â
The powder and the pills looked exactly like the drugs that she had produced, only they had different markings on them.  The purple ones were marked with P.R. and the yellow powder was a little bit more orange than yellow.  She experimented, breaking one of the pills apart- and it seemingly had the same composition as the Orchids.  Someone was copying her merchandise.  Pouring out the powder, she inspected it as well- so caught up in her work that she hadn’t even heard someone open the door and make their way in behind her.  She hadn’t noticed until it was too late, feeling something press over her face, a hand grabbing at her head.  And then she fell asleep.
When new socks are the highlight of your day, it’s time to shake it up.
Fiona sat in her lab at the Harbinger’s, a cheek in a hand, doodling pictures of people getting their heads blown off.  Opening a drawer, she removed a bottle of pills from the way back, opening it up, pouring the one pill inside into her palm.  Fiona stared at the pill for a bit, then tossed it back into the bottle, shoving it in the back of the drawer again.  Standing, she would clean up the organ she was currently working on and head out of the building, trotting to the boat to start a long and tedious journey to Ishgard.  She debated calling Rhotaent, but his complaining about the cold would have made her want to stab him, and him getting stabbed in Ishgard once was more than enough.  She could always call him once she was there so he wouldn’t feel obligated to not travel by Aetheryte.
It was a long trek, about four hours for her.  It was early yet, so when she stepped off of the airship, her stomach told her it was time for lunch.  There wasn’t a lot of forgetting to eat.  Daily running and shooting practice made Fiona a hungry girl.  No exercise today, but her body still compelled her to eat.  A short, average looking hyur looking for a sandwich in the stuffy city if Ishgard.  This was going to prove more difficult than she imagined. Â
She would ask for directions. Â No one seemed to want to give them to her. Â It had been forever since Fiona had trained at the machinist guild here, but eventually she did find the inn that she and Rhotaent had slept in overnight during their little visit a few months prior.Â
It was busy today- a lot of adventurers hanging about, drinking, having a seemingly good time. Â Fiona worked her way through the crowd and took a seat at the bar, waving the bartender down to ask for a large mug of ale and a sandwich. Â
While she was waiting, she’d notice something out of the corner of her eye- a man standing against the wall.  People would walk up to him, they would exchange something quickly and they’d walk away.  She kept an eye on him as she was served her drink and sandwich, trying not to make it too obvious that she was watching him.  A bite, a glance.  A bite, a glance.  The ale she was drinking was huge, and it was -very- alcoholic, so she also started to get a bit tipsy.  The sandwich was sub-par, but after a little bit of interesting conversation with a lalafel gentleman about gobbue spit and the drink, she felt she was ready to begin her investigation. Â
Digging through her pockets, she pulled out some gil and hopped off of the stool, making her way through the crowd to the man that was standing by the wall.  She hadn’t ever bought recreational drugs from anyone before, so she wasn’t one hundred percent sure what to say.  “What can I get for this?† She held up a few gil, lifting her brow to the man.  Not really looking at her, he dipped into his pockets and pulled out a bag with two purple pills, and a vial of yellow powder.  Fiona stared down at the items then looked back up at him.  “How much for both?†Â
Paying the man, she pocketed the items and started to make her way back to the bartender to request a room for the evening. Â
The powder and the pills looked exactly like the drugs that she had produced, only they had different markings on them.  The purple ones were marked with P.R. and the yellow powder was a little bit more orange than yellow.  She experimented, breaking one of the pills apart- and it seemingly had the same composition as the Orchids.  Someone was copying her merchandise.  Pouring out the powder, she inspected it as well- so caught up in her work that she hadn’t even heard someone open the door and make their way in behind her.  She hadn’t noticed until it was too late, feeling something press over her face, a hand grabbing at her head.  And then she fell asleep.
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Fiona Goes to Ishgard (Part Two)Her eyes would flutter open, trying to keep looking down at the powder she had been inspecting, but quickly she would realize that she wasn’t at her desk.  And that her hands were bound in front of her.  And her ankles.  And she was very dehydrated. Â
A few sputters and coughs later, and she found a jug of water being held to her lips, a large, slender hand petting at her hair.  “Now now, calm down.  You’ve been out for a few days now.† Fiona looked confused about that, trying to look around- to see where she was being held.  “Don’t worry, you’ll be going home soon enough.  We’re just giving you your medicine.†Â
Medicine?  The word went through her head a few times, trying to figure out what they meant.  Her arms hurt.  Her breathing was shallow and there was a lingering dull ache in her chest.  Her head was foggy- couldn’t think straight.  Though she did notice her messenger bag dumped out upside down in front of her, and a few of her notebooks in a pile off to the side.Â
… my research.
Now she started to struggle, jerking her body to try and get free from the confines that kept her.  That wouldn’t last long though- a quick blow to the head, and she would be out again- a ball of mush on the floor.  The Ishgardian man removed a vial from his pocket along with a syringe, would fill it up, and inject it into the woman’s vein.  “You ruin our business, we’ll ruin yours.†Â
The next time Fiona would open her eyes, she would find herself in her bed at Dullahan’s Head.  Alone.  Shooting up quickly, she would look around the room.  Find that one of the couches was missing- gone through the window. Â
“Rhotaent…?â€
No answer. Â All that was there for her was a bottle and a syringe on her nightstand. Â
A few sputters and coughs later, and she found a jug of water being held to her lips, a large, slender hand petting at her hair.  “Now now, calm down.  You’ve been out for a few days now.† Fiona looked confused about that, trying to look around- to see where she was being held.  “Don’t worry, you’ll be going home soon enough.  We’re just giving you your medicine.†Â
Medicine?  The word went through her head a few times, trying to figure out what they meant.  Her arms hurt.  Her breathing was shallow and there was a lingering dull ache in her chest.  Her head was foggy- couldn’t think straight.  Though she did notice her messenger bag dumped out upside down in front of her, and a few of her notebooks in a pile off to the side.Â
… my research.
Now she started to struggle, jerking her body to try and get free from the confines that kept her.  That wouldn’t last long though- a quick blow to the head, and she would be out again- a ball of mush on the floor.  The Ishgardian man removed a vial from his pocket along with a syringe, would fill it up, and inject it into the woman’s vein.  “You ruin our business, we’ll ruin yours.†Â
The next time Fiona would open her eyes, she would find herself in her bed at Dullahan’s Head.  Alone.  Shooting up quickly, she would look around the room.  Find that one of the couches was missing- gone through the window. Â
“Rhotaent…?â€
No answer. Â All that was there for her was a bottle and a syringe on her nightstand. Â
Newest Entry:
Atmospheric Score:Â https://youtu.be/ca8tlxOkHsM
My hand shakes right now as I write this.  I woke up this morning and felt perfectly fine, not craving my dosage from Ozerov, so I skipped visiting his office.  I figured perhaps I was done with needing the unnamed substance that has been coursing through my veins.  Of course I was wrong, but I’ll try and get through it. Make it longer between doses.
Â
I am coming to terms with the fact that Rhotaent is gone. I was upset at first, but I understand. I knew it was difficult for him to love me. It was difficult for me to love him. We tried. … We really tried. Once in awhile I catch myself cupping my hand to my face like he would. I do not regret my time with him. It taught me that there is a piece of me that is capable of caring for someone else. I will not shy away from trying again. …if I happen to come across someone that could possibly be interested in a fuck up like myself.
Though I think my newly positive attitude towards relationships has made me feel things too soon. There is tension between myself and a friend. The timing of us both being alone at the same time seemed to throw us into a situation that we can not seem to figure out. My new company appointed therapist said I should wait until I am fully sober to persue anything, which I mentally agree with. My body on the other hand… I am ansy. A visit to The Thirsty Turtle will have to happen soon to avoid making any choices that can ruin a friendship with one of the few I trust.
I have a therapist now. As I mentioned before. I was hesitant to follow through, but I figured why not. I threw out my entire situation to the man. Told him about Baern when I was a child, about the kidnapping. About Rhotaent disappearing. About how I love to take drugs. … I really do love it. I feel so much better. I feel like I’m about to vomit right now I want them so badly. The euphoria you feel when they start to course through your system. … To feel like you’re floating. To feel happy.
I am a woman of vices. Chasing the next high. A drug. An orgasm. I will never be satisfied, I don’t think. With three good years left health-wise, why shouldn’t I get what I want? Do what I want? Feel how I want?
… What do I really want?
You live and you learn. Â At any rate- you live.
- Douglas Adams
- Douglas Adams
