22nd Sun of the 4th Astral Moon
![[Image: tumblr_oaoaozG1gY1vb4zkto7_540.png]](https://66.media.tumblr.com/7e8fea333c2671114f93ac3a91cbc21e/tumblr_oaoaozG1gY1vb4zkto7_540.png)
I must confess, my dear journal, that I appear to have lost my steady head... and I am unsure how much my injured horn has to do with it.
For all I am usually so capable of setting such things aside, the Lady Defiant certainly seems to possess the capability of seizing my attention. And retaining it. For hours on end.
[A few drips of ink, from a hesitating quill, stain the page.]
It has been a long time since Goni was murdered. I know, and I trust, that his spirit would bear me no ill will over this. Any wrongs I did by him have been righted, although too late to be of any use, and I set him to rest as best I could. I know that he would wish for me to enjoy life, in this new place, away from everything we hated. I find no fear in my heart over vengeance from him.
And yet my father, for all I did the same in rites of rest, would not. He would wish me dead for all I’ve done. I dream at night that he rises from the flames I doused him in and comes for me. If t’were not so that the creature Ifrit was well-recorded as existing before this dreadful affair of mine, I would think - as I did when I faced him - that he were my father’s spirit come for retribution.
If he brings fear or strife into the Lady Defiant’s life, as he did Goni’s, then I should never forgive myself. And yet I find myself of the belief that if he should choose to end the lady Defiant as he did Goni, that I would only be able to watch.
Nothing sets fear deeper in me, my journal.
When I first started to entertain the Lady, and the ser Shirogawa Mitsuhiko as well, I promised myself that I was no longer going to permit my father any dominion over my life in Eorzea. I was free to pursue partners as I should have been all of my life were I not born into that despicable clan of creatures I barely dare to call Xaela. No longer would I turn away the attraction I felt to such people as I do.
Yet still the fear lingers. I suppose one’s own mind is not so easy to set steady as another’s...
I suppose, for now, I ought to focus on ensuring that I do not scare either of these sweet-hearted Raen away. The lady Defiant seems afraid that I might disapprove of her, and the ser Shirogawa seems utterly convinced that my interest in him is a ruse designed to humiliate him. I suppose time and patience shall tell whether mine true intent shines through... and whether my father’s influence truly remains removed from such affairs.
