Roen had led Khadai on a long meandering path away from the rest of the party. The conversation along the walk was about little things, the climate, some mundane facts about the region they were in… mostly small talk. It felt strange to just stroll along the coast, surrounded by vibrantly colored flowers, clear blue skies, and a warm sea breeze that washed over them now and then. Had she ever indulged in such a moment of leisure in the past year? Khadai seemed occupied with observing his surroundings, taking in the details of the new environment. He remained quiet as he listened, his usual long legged stride having slowed to an ambling gait to match hers. Roen finally paused when they reached the top of the bluff, taking a moment to look to the vast horizon. She did stay a good distance from the edge, as to not be able to look directly down. Another sweep of the summery winds tossed her forelocks from her eyes and rustled the ring of flowers that hung from her neck.
"So this warm weather... do you like it?" she asked as she tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
"It has taken some time to adjust to it. The only thing close to such heat was whenever we ventured south into the lowlands." The Au Ra took a seat on a patch of grass and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sun. It had past its zenith in the sky, and was headed westward. "This is a new environment. I have seen nothing like it yet. Although I do not particularly like moving on sand."
"I see you have taken on the habit of kicking it every chance you get," she teased as she took a cautious step forward and took a seat next to him. Thankfully he had sat many fulms away from the edge of the cliff.
"It is difficult to move in." He sounded consternated. "I pray I do not have to engage in combat in such circumstances. The lack of mobility would be problematic for tactical and strategic maneuvers."
Roen shook her head slightly. He was always assessing the situation with practicality in mind, especially when it came to combat scenarios. "I do not think many see this place as a battleground. Most come here for leisure and relaxation."
"There are many animals here,†Khadai observed. “The Jungsai would be hard pressed to outdo one another with such abundance."
The paladin was starting to commit some of his tribal terms to memory. "The Jungsai... are the hunters?"
He grunted. "Not hunters. They are animal caretakers. Sometimes their duties include hunting. The loudest ones will insist that hunting is all that good Jungsai do. But there are also shepherds, and… healers? Healers for animals. They interact with animals most of all."
Roen nodded slowly, her eyes roaming to the buffaloes grazing in the distance. "I overheard what you said to the sergeant earlier. That I brought you here under the guise of 'work'." She glanced up at him. "Would you have come if I had not included some work to be done?"
He did not answer immediately. "This place is… far from our objective. Had you not managed to impress upon me the practicality of this journey, I likely would not have come unless I had no other directives to adhere to at the moment."
"I think they were all surprised that I came as well." She reflected quietly as she looked out to the horizon. "I thought it would do him some good, my brother, for me to be near. And I thought to thank Kiht and Delial for all that they had done. But the thought of just coming here to relax... it felt strange to me as well. Forgive me. I did bring you for company more than anything else."
Khadai glanced at her. "Company?"
Roen pressed her lips thinly, casting a hesitant glance his way. "Aye. To get some work done if all else failed." She frowned. Not only did that come out awkwardly, but it was not even the truth.
"You believed that you would not be capable of accomplishing what you did without my presence?"
She wrinkled her nose. "It was such a mundane thing, I know. But I had not seen them, not like this, for as long as I can remember. Have you ever felt nervous about going into a situation all by yourself?"
"Hm,†the Au Ra pondered. “Nervous… no. Anxiety is a trait that is not present in any individual selected to be Khadai. But there are moments where I have been expected to act on incomplete information."
Roen rolled her eyes. "I know that I was not in any mortal danger. But I did not think I could just show up and enjoy myself." Somehow she sensed that Khadai was not empathizing with her particular predicament, and to try and explain it would be a futile effort. "So you never actually felt anxious? How about afraid?"
"Fear is a natural catalyst,†he answered matter-of-factly. “It is common to feel fear during battle. Fear heightens one's reflexes and attentiveness. Yes, I have experienced fear. But… what you call anxiety, no."
She stared at him for a long moment, trying to wrap her mind around it. "I see."
Khadai seemed to sense her struggle as well. "To… hm. Fret, worry, doubt, is frowned upon. Those selected to be Khadai do not feel these things in any great measure, or they learn to quell such misgivings quickly."
"Then I envy you,†she sighed. “Doubt and worry often plague much of my thoughts."
"The price you pay for such a fluid society, one would imagine."
Roen let out a soft snort as she looked back out to the sea. "That would explain many things. Perhaps that is why I seek your counsel. It is not fraught with misgivings."
He turned to look at her. "Speak, then, and I will offer what I can."
Roen chewed her lip in reluctance. "Kiht asked me what I am now. What I do now." She released a long exhale, trying to expel that familiar sinking feeling in her chest. "Such a question I used to be able to answer so easily before. I could say, 'I am a Sultansworn, sworn to protect the Sultana.' Or 'a free paladin, sworn to protect those who need my assistance.'" She frowned. "I did not know how to answer her today. At least... not right away."
She drew her legs to herself, wrapping her arms around her bare knees. "I knew my purpose. Who I was. Or who I thought I was supposed to be. Then... I lost it." She had confessed something similar to Khadai many moons ago, in a basement lit with torches while a snowstorm raged on outside. Only now, her words were not fraught with emotion and she felt more at ease sharing her thoughts. "I suppose... I am trying to determine who I am now. How do you do that, if you believe you are no longer who you thought you were?"
"A complicated question." The Au Ra’s face twisted into a wry grin. "Would that a Tsenkhai were present to answer it for you. You defined yourself by your purpose. 'Sworn to protect the Sultana'. 'Sworn to protect those who need your assistance.' Your goal was to protect. Is that no longer the case?"
Roen blinked. "It is all I know how to do. And yet… I suppose I have lost my confidence in my instincts.â€
"You believe that you no longer have the capability to protect those you wish to. Thus you believe that it is inappropriate for yourself to identify yourself by that cause."
She merely gave him a sidelong glance, not quite turning to look at him fully. "Perhaps."
Khadai still continued to look out to the horizon, his eyes squinting as if to focus on something too far to see. His hand was casually propped upon his bent knee, and his tone was thoughtful. "Aptitude alone does not define one's purpose. Inclination and motivation is important as well. A warrior who is skilled but unmotivated is less preferable to a warrior who is untrained but desires to improve."
Roen dipped her head, glancing down as she started to absently straighten the tie of her pareo that fell over her lap. "I thought the want was enough. If one tried their best, then no matter what, they can tell themselves at the end that they did all they could do." Her idle fingering of the fabric stopped. "But simply being good with a sword and shield was not enough. Simply being willing to do all that was necessary was not enough. I have seen others, who have been 'protecting' people far longer than I have. I see some of them hardened. Is that what I was lacking?"
"You are overthinking.†He glanced her way. “Does your desire to protect others remain, or does it not?"
Her face twisted into a frown. "It remains. But is often struggling against the fear that I will fail them. And it would leave them worse than before."
"You have failed before, else you would not have these doubts. I repeat the question. Does your desire to protect others remain?"
Roen stiffened, her jaw set. She just nodded.
"Then why is it that you can no longer identify yourself by the same label?†His questioning was insistent, but his tone remained unobtrusive. “As one who wishes to protect?"
"Because after failing so spectacularly, how could I be so brazen enough to take up such a task again? Has your tribe never deemed someone unfit for their job after they have been assigned?"
He pursed his lips. "Mobility is rare, but not unheard of. There are occasions where, for example, Khadai are crippled and can no longer serve in that capacity. Or, there are cases where an individual lacks the interest and motivation, and thus become inefficient. The role no longer fits them."
"Then what happens? How do you assign them a new role?"
He paused, tilting his head somewhat. "The Tsenkhai are called to investigate the individual. Their peers are consulted. The individual themselves are tested to find both their aptitudes and inclination. And then they are presented with a choice." He stared out back into the ocean, his expression distant. "The process is… extensive. Individuals are a precious resource and must be used efficiently. If an individual cannot find their aptitude or their inclination, then the process repeats with additional variables."
"So then your... Tsenkhai are the ones that determine what other options lay before them."
"When an individual is at a loss of purpose, they cannot be relied upon to resolve such a dispute by themselves. Externalities are required in order to spur them onward. The Tsenkhai fill that purpose, yes." He turned his gaze back to her. “There are times where the Tsenkhai have been approached by individuals desiring a reassignment, and are turned away. You would be one of those, I imagine."
When Roen shot him a questioning look, he was still regarding her intently. “'Recall when we sparred at the Falcon's Nest. We fought one another. Do you believe the effort you put forth into that fight then was the effort of one who no longer had the capacity to protect?"
"I am still capable with sword and shield. That is not where I doubt my abilities!"
"You do not doubt your capacity to protect others, yet you doubt whether or not you are capable enough to label yourself as one who protects others?" His expression could be called one of bemusement, though the overall severity that seemed permanently affixed to his face remained. Still, a corner of his lip curled upwards.
"Why is it that it seems so simple and straightforward when it comes out of your mouth?" she mumbled under her breath.
"You do not believe that it is appropriate for you to label yourself a protector. Then do not. Simply acknowledge that I am labelling you as a protector, then. You do not have to believe it. You need only believe that I believe it." He gave a small shrug, as if to say 'it is as simple as that'.
Roen stared at him, her eyes narrowing. Her lips parted as if to formulate some retort, but instead she pressed them into a tight line and stared straight ahead. "I hope I do not prove you wrong then," she finally murmured.
"The day you prove me wrong is the day that you have obtained a new label that is not 'protector', and should that happen, whether I was right or wrong will no longer matter."
Roen blinked, her expression sobering slightly. She continued to stare out into the ocean, as the sun was almost reaching the end of its westward journey. The sea was starting to glitter red-gold, to reflect the turn of the sky above. The paladin narrowed her eyes when she spotted a trail of clouds that seemed to be following the sun’s path, and the palm trees swayed above with more vigor than before.
For all the sun and the warmth, Costa Del Sol had its fair share of tropical showers, this Roen knew.
The paladin rose to her feet, straightening the silk fabric around her waist. "Perhaps we should go look to your fish to make certain they are drying properly and sheltered from the weather. This place is known for its unpredictable rainfalls."
Khadai squinted as he too studied the sky above. "It is quite difficult to botch curing. They have been affixed to the rack. They will survive." Even though his tone was confident, he rose after her, checking his belt to take account of all of his tools.
Roen regarded the Au Ra thoughtfully. "Maybe while we travel to Dravania... you can provide some instruction on how you do some of the things you do. Curing fish, for example. Or archery, as you taught those children on how to use a bow."
"What do you wish to learn? Though you should be aware that I am barely considered a novice. A few moons of instruction by other castes was enough to prepare me for this journey, so they felt."
The paladin crossed her arms with a skeptical arch of the brow. “I have watched you long enough to know that you are proficient in many things. You seemed more well-rounded in your knowledge than you lead others to believeâ€
Khadai glanced at her. "I am an exception. I was trained to be entirely self-sufficient, should it have been required. Necessity is capable of training one in many things."
"Hmph." She pursed her lips. "Then perhaps your Tsenkhai should have given you a different name than just Khadai." There was a hint of jest in her voice.
"My aptitude in the other fields does not even begin to approach what is required. Khadai fits fine," he returned, the corner of his lip curling slightly.
"You even admitted that you are an exception, as I recognize you to be. And yet you are content to label yourself along with others.†She shrugged. “As you say.†It was growing later than she had imagined, and she wondered if the group below had missed them in their absence.
“We should return,†she murmured as her gaze followed the coastline to the long piers and the huts of Costa Del Sol. “But perhaps with some refreshments from the vendors nearby.†She had not tried all of the colorful drinks and the desserts that Costa Del Sol had to offer, and strangely she was feeling adventurous. A part of her was even more curious on how Khadai would receive such things. There was a smile of anticipation that lifted her lips as she began to make her way down the bluff.
“We can investigate such things,†the Au Ra answered intently as he followed behind. His tone was already hinting that he was starting to critically evaluate those plans.
"So this warm weather... do you like it?" she asked as she tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
"It has taken some time to adjust to it. The only thing close to such heat was whenever we ventured south into the lowlands." The Au Ra took a seat on a patch of grass and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sun. It had past its zenith in the sky, and was headed westward. "This is a new environment. I have seen nothing like it yet. Although I do not particularly like moving on sand."
"I see you have taken on the habit of kicking it every chance you get," she teased as she took a cautious step forward and took a seat next to him. Thankfully he had sat many fulms away from the edge of the cliff.
"It is difficult to move in." He sounded consternated. "I pray I do not have to engage in combat in such circumstances. The lack of mobility would be problematic for tactical and strategic maneuvers."
Roen shook her head slightly. He was always assessing the situation with practicality in mind, especially when it came to combat scenarios. "I do not think many see this place as a battleground. Most come here for leisure and relaxation."
"There are many animals here,†Khadai observed. “The Jungsai would be hard pressed to outdo one another with such abundance."
The paladin was starting to commit some of his tribal terms to memory. "The Jungsai... are the hunters?"
He grunted. "Not hunters. They are animal caretakers. Sometimes their duties include hunting. The loudest ones will insist that hunting is all that good Jungsai do. But there are also shepherds, and… healers? Healers for animals. They interact with animals most of all."
Roen nodded slowly, her eyes roaming to the buffaloes grazing in the distance. "I overheard what you said to the sergeant earlier. That I brought you here under the guise of 'work'." She glanced up at him. "Would you have come if I had not included some work to be done?"
He did not answer immediately. "This place is… far from our objective. Had you not managed to impress upon me the practicality of this journey, I likely would not have come unless I had no other directives to adhere to at the moment."
"I think they were all surprised that I came as well." She reflected quietly as she looked out to the horizon. "I thought it would do him some good, my brother, for me to be near. And I thought to thank Kiht and Delial for all that they had done. But the thought of just coming here to relax... it felt strange to me as well. Forgive me. I did bring you for company more than anything else."
Khadai glanced at her. "Company?"
Roen pressed her lips thinly, casting a hesitant glance his way. "Aye. To get some work done if all else failed." She frowned. Not only did that come out awkwardly, but it was not even the truth.
"You believed that you would not be capable of accomplishing what you did without my presence?"
She wrinkled her nose. "It was such a mundane thing, I know. But I had not seen them, not like this, for as long as I can remember. Have you ever felt nervous about going into a situation all by yourself?"
"Hm,†the Au Ra pondered. “Nervous… no. Anxiety is a trait that is not present in any individual selected to be Khadai. But there are moments where I have been expected to act on incomplete information."
Roen rolled her eyes. "I know that I was not in any mortal danger. But I did not think I could just show up and enjoy myself." Somehow she sensed that Khadai was not empathizing with her particular predicament, and to try and explain it would be a futile effort. "So you never actually felt anxious? How about afraid?"
"Fear is a natural catalyst,†he answered matter-of-factly. “It is common to feel fear during battle. Fear heightens one's reflexes and attentiveness. Yes, I have experienced fear. But… what you call anxiety, no."
She stared at him for a long moment, trying to wrap her mind around it. "I see."
Khadai seemed to sense her struggle as well. "To… hm. Fret, worry, doubt, is frowned upon. Those selected to be Khadai do not feel these things in any great measure, or they learn to quell such misgivings quickly."
"Then I envy you,†she sighed. “Doubt and worry often plague much of my thoughts."
"The price you pay for such a fluid society, one would imagine."
Roen let out a soft snort as she looked back out to the sea. "That would explain many things. Perhaps that is why I seek your counsel. It is not fraught with misgivings."
He turned to look at her. "Speak, then, and I will offer what I can."
Roen chewed her lip in reluctance. "Kiht asked me what I am now. What I do now." She released a long exhale, trying to expel that familiar sinking feeling in her chest. "Such a question I used to be able to answer so easily before. I could say, 'I am a Sultansworn, sworn to protect the Sultana.' Or 'a free paladin, sworn to protect those who need my assistance.'" She frowned. "I did not know how to answer her today. At least... not right away."
She drew her legs to herself, wrapping her arms around her bare knees. "I knew my purpose. Who I was. Or who I thought I was supposed to be. Then... I lost it." She had confessed something similar to Khadai many moons ago, in a basement lit with torches while a snowstorm raged on outside. Only now, her words were not fraught with emotion and she felt more at ease sharing her thoughts. "I suppose... I am trying to determine who I am now. How do you do that, if you believe you are no longer who you thought you were?"
"A complicated question." The Au Ra’s face twisted into a wry grin. "Would that a Tsenkhai were present to answer it for you. You defined yourself by your purpose. 'Sworn to protect the Sultana'. 'Sworn to protect those who need your assistance.' Your goal was to protect. Is that no longer the case?"
Roen blinked. "It is all I know how to do. And yet… I suppose I have lost my confidence in my instincts.â€
"You believe that you no longer have the capability to protect those you wish to. Thus you believe that it is inappropriate for yourself to identify yourself by that cause."
She merely gave him a sidelong glance, not quite turning to look at him fully. "Perhaps."
Khadai still continued to look out to the horizon, his eyes squinting as if to focus on something too far to see. His hand was casually propped upon his bent knee, and his tone was thoughtful. "Aptitude alone does not define one's purpose. Inclination and motivation is important as well. A warrior who is skilled but unmotivated is less preferable to a warrior who is untrained but desires to improve."
Roen dipped her head, glancing down as she started to absently straighten the tie of her pareo that fell over her lap. "I thought the want was enough. If one tried their best, then no matter what, they can tell themselves at the end that they did all they could do." Her idle fingering of the fabric stopped. "But simply being good with a sword and shield was not enough. Simply being willing to do all that was necessary was not enough. I have seen others, who have been 'protecting' people far longer than I have. I see some of them hardened. Is that what I was lacking?"
"You are overthinking.†He glanced her way. “Does your desire to protect others remain, or does it not?"
Her face twisted into a frown. "It remains. But is often struggling against the fear that I will fail them. And it would leave them worse than before."
"You have failed before, else you would not have these doubts. I repeat the question. Does your desire to protect others remain?"
Roen stiffened, her jaw set. She just nodded.
"Then why is it that you can no longer identify yourself by the same label?†His questioning was insistent, but his tone remained unobtrusive. “As one who wishes to protect?"
"Because after failing so spectacularly, how could I be so brazen enough to take up such a task again? Has your tribe never deemed someone unfit for their job after they have been assigned?"
He pursed his lips. "Mobility is rare, but not unheard of. There are occasions where, for example, Khadai are crippled and can no longer serve in that capacity. Or, there are cases where an individual lacks the interest and motivation, and thus become inefficient. The role no longer fits them."
"Then what happens? How do you assign them a new role?"
He paused, tilting his head somewhat. "The Tsenkhai are called to investigate the individual. Their peers are consulted. The individual themselves are tested to find both their aptitudes and inclination. And then they are presented with a choice." He stared out back into the ocean, his expression distant. "The process is… extensive. Individuals are a precious resource and must be used efficiently. If an individual cannot find their aptitude or their inclination, then the process repeats with additional variables."
"So then your... Tsenkhai are the ones that determine what other options lay before them."
"When an individual is at a loss of purpose, they cannot be relied upon to resolve such a dispute by themselves. Externalities are required in order to spur them onward. The Tsenkhai fill that purpose, yes." He turned his gaze back to her. “There are times where the Tsenkhai have been approached by individuals desiring a reassignment, and are turned away. You would be one of those, I imagine."
When Roen shot him a questioning look, he was still regarding her intently. “'Recall when we sparred at the Falcon's Nest. We fought one another. Do you believe the effort you put forth into that fight then was the effort of one who no longer had the capacity to protect?"
"I am still capable with sword and shield. That is not where I doubt my abilities!"
"You do not doubt your capacity to protect others, yet you doubt whether or not you are capable enough to label yourself as one who protects others?" His expression could be called one of bemusement, though the overall severity that seemed permanently affixed to his face remained. Still, a corner of his lip curled upwards.
"Why is it that it seems so simple and straightforward when it comes out of your mouth?" she mumbled under her breath.
"You do not believe that it is appropriate for you to label yourself a protector. Then do not. Simply acknowledge that I am labelling you as a protector, then. You do not have to believe it. You need only believe that I believe it." He gave a small shrug, as if to say 'it is as simple as that'.
Roen stared at him, her eyes narrowing. Her lips parted as if to formulate some retort, but instead she pressed them into a tight line and stared straight ahead. "I hope I do not prove you wrong then," she finally murmured.
"The day you prove me wrong is the day that you have obtained a new label that is not 'protector', and should that happen, whether I was right or wrong will no longer matter."
Roen blinked, her expression sobering slightly. She continued to stare out into the ocean, as the sun was almost reaching the end of its westward journey. The sea was starting to glitter red-gold, to reflect the turn of the sky above. The paladin narrowed her eyes when she spotted a trail of clouds that seemed to be following the sun’s path, and the palm trees swayed above with more vigor than before.
For all the sun and the warmth, Costa Del Sol had its fair share of tropical showers, this Roen knew.
The paladin rose to her feet, straightening the silk fabric around her waist. "Perhaps we should go look to your fish to make certain they are drying properly and sheltered from the weather. This place is known for its unpredictable rainfalls."
Khadai squinted as he too studied the sky above. "It is quite difficult to botch curing. They have been affixed to the rack. They will survive." Even though his tone was confident, he rose after her, checking his belt to take account of all of his tools.
Roen regarded the Au Ra thoughtfully. "Maybe while we travel to Dravania... you can provide some instruction on how you do some of the things you do. Curing fish, for example. Or archery, as you taught those children on how to use a bow."
"What do you wish to learn? Though you should be aware that I am barely considered a novice. A few moons of instruction by other castes was enough to prepare me for this journey, so they felt."
The paladin crossed her arms with a skeptical arch of the brow. “I have watched you long enough to know that you are proficient in many things. You seemed more well-rounded in your knowledge than you lead others to believeâ€
Khadai glanced at her. "I am an exception. I was trained to be entirely self-sufficient, should it have been required. Necessity is capable of training one in many things."
"Hmph." She pursed her lips. "Then perhaps your Tsenkhai should have given you a different name than just Khadai." There was a hint of jest in her voice.
"My aptitude in the other fields does not even begin to approach what is required. Khadai fits fine," he returned, the corner of his lip curling slightly.
"You even admitted that you are an exception, as I recognize you to be. And yet you are content to label yourself along with others.†She shrugged. “As you say.†It was growing later than she had imagined, and she wondered if the group below had missed them in their absence.
“We should return,†she murmured as her gaze followed the coastline to the long piers and the huts of Costa Del Sol. “But perhaps with some refreshments from the vendors nearby.†She had not tried all of the colorful drinks and the desserts that Costa Del Sol had to offer, and strangely she was feeling adventurous. A part of her was even more curious on how Khadai would receive such things. There was a smile of anticipation that lifted her lips as she began to make her way down the bluff.
“We can investigate such things,†the Au Ra answered intently as he followed behind. His tone was already hinting that he was starting to critically evaluate those plans.
