Pain Returned (Journal Entry #2)
Been some time since my last entry into this cursed thing. Some times passed and I learned the truth of matters yet again just like the years ago with Kai. Not sure which of the two cut deeper. At least with Kai she was always upfront with me and no games were played. I knew she had some doubts about leaving Ul'dah with me and putting everything she knew in the past. I knew that much yet still believed she would come with me because I truly wanted and needed her by my side.
Miyako is a different story. I didn’t see this coming at all. I thought the feelings we shared held more truth than the very air we breathed sometimes. I thought I saw it in her eyes, heard it in her words, and even felt in the slight touches she gave me at times. I yearned to have that little one in my arms, to crush her against me and show her what she was doing to me as a man, as someone who was in love with her. I wanted to take the breath from her very lungs with a kiss and feel our bodies pressed like we were trying to make one person out of both our souls. I had even found this necklace to symbolize my feeling for her and the moment she told me she was leaving and I couldn’t go with her there was like a voice in my head telling me how a wool brained idiot I truly was to believe again.
Truth be known? It proved to be a lie. She abandoned me with so little hesitation I think my thick headed skull is still spinning! I don’t know. Both cut me deep and I admit there is still something special with Kai held there because, well, shit, she was the first woman I ever loved. Damn. She was the first person other than my Da that I ever bothered loving and giving my full and complete trust. We were alike in many ways and you didn’t see one of us without seeing the other. I didn’t think I could ever find someone that moved me like that again. Someone that stirred me in the depths like Kai. I thought Miyako and I were truly fated for each other and that this time, THIS TIME would be the one and what I had with Kai not a mirage.
I was wrong.
Now I have moved back to that damn sandpit of Ul'dah. Funny that. I remember telling Kai we will never know nothing more than this damned sand trip and here I am again full circle right where it all begin. Eh, I can’t complain though. I seen much of the world aboard the Crystal Blade and beneath her fine sails. I still wonder what came about the ship and the crew but haven’t heard whisper of anything. Meanwhile, I have taken to fighting in the pits for the coin.
Alright, think these the pages I can speak true if no where else. I am not fighting just for the coin. I’m fighting for the pain. The feeling of another’s fist ramming against my side, against my jaw, or where ever. The pain, you see, takes me away. It puts me somewhere else cause curse it all where I am is not where I am meant to be! This can’t be all the Twelve have in store for a brute like myself. So yeah, I admit I am in the pits to bleed a bit. Is that wrong? Some just indulge in drink or splitting women left and right. I rather take the rush of a good fight and some blood on my face with matching bruises. Not like I got anything else going on for me right now, right? Put my faith out there and once again got left standing alone. No Kai, no Miya, no Crystal Blade or it’s captain. Just me, my scarred fists and a blade. Since none of those fuckers are speaking to me safe to say I’m alone.
Sometimes feels like I am always alone even if I am surrounded by folks. Maybe I will find a new crew or maybe not. The pits are fine for now and the pain more than bloody welcomed. I’ll take this road for now and wait to see what the cursed Twelve have waiting for me. If it is more of the same pain and abandonment then they already know what they can go do with their damned selves.
I care not…
Been some time since my last entry into this cursed thing. Some times passed and I learned the truth of matters yet again just like the years ago with Kai. Not sure which of the two cut deeper. At least with Kai she was always upfront with me and no games were played. I knew she had some doubts about leaving Ul'dah with me and putting everything she knew in the past. I knew that much yet still believed she would come with me because I truly wanted and needed her by my side.
Miyako is a different story. I didn’t see this coming at all. I thought the feelings we shared held more truth than the very air we breathed sometimes. I thought I saw it in her eyes, heard it in her words, and even felt in the slight touches she gave me at times. I yearned to have that little one in my arms, to crush her against me and show her what she was doing to me as a man, as someone who was in love with her. I wanted to take the breath from her very lungs with a kiss and feel our bodies pressed like we were trying to make one person out of both our souls. I had even found this necklace to symbolize my feeling for her and the moment she told me she was leaving and I couldn’t go with her there was like a voice in my head telling me how a wool brained idiot I truly was to believe again.
Truth be known? It proved to be a lie. She abandoned me with so little hesitation I think my thick headed skull is still spinning! I don’t know. Both cut me deep and I admit there is still something special with Kai held there because, well, shit, she was the first woman I ever loved. Damn. She was the first person other than my Da that I ever bothered loving and giving my full and complete trust. We were alike in many ways and you didn’t see one of us without seeing the other. I didn’t think I could ever find someone that moved me like that again. Someone that stirred me in the depths like Kai. I thought Miyako and I were truly fated for each other and that this time, THIS TIME would be the one and what I had with Kai not a mirage.
I was wrong.
Now I have moved back to that damn sandpit of Ul'dah. Funny that. I remember telling Kai we will never know nothing more than this damned sand trip and here I am again full circle right where it all begin. Eh, I can’t complain though. I seen much of the world aboard the Crystal Blade and beneath her fine sails. I still wonder what came about the ship and the crew but haven’t heard whisper of anything. Meanwhile, I have taken to fighting in the pits for the coin.
Alright, think these the pages I can speak true if no where else. I am not fighting just for the coin. I’m fighting for the pain. The feeling of another’s fist ramming against my side, against my jaw, or where ever. The pain, you see, takes me away. It puts me somewhere else cause curse it all where I am is not where I am meant to be! This can’t be all the Twelve have in store for a brute like myself. So yeah, I admit I am in the pits to bleed a bit. Is that wrong? Some just indulge in drink or splitting women left and right. I rather take the rush of a good fight and some blood on my face with matching bruises. Not like I got anything else going on for me right now, right? Put my faith out there and once again got left standing alone. No Kai, no Miya, no Crystal Blade or it’s captain. Just me, my scarred fists and a blade. Since none of those fuckers are speaking to me safe to say I’m alone.
Sometimes feels like I am always alone even if I am surrounded by folks. Maybe I will find a new crew or maybe not. The pits are fine for now and the pain more than bloody welcomed. I’ll take this road for now and wait to see what the cursed Twelve have waiting for me. If it is more of the same pain and abandonment then they already know what they can go do with their damned selves.
I care not…
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Discord: Zhauric#0359
Ryuu Kaisoto: Mateus
Zhauric Bloodsworn (Currently Retired): Balmung
Discord: Zhauric#0359
Ryuu Kaisoto: Mateus
Zhauric Bloodsworn (Currently Retired): Balmung
