Heart or Mind (Journal #3)
Here I am back in this sorry excuse of an inn room. Yeah, it’s my own choosing so can’t really complain, right? Not like I haven’t made enough gil to find something more than a cursed broom closet but what for? It’s just me and I am not one to think on such things too much. Sleeping years aboard a ship can cure any man or woman of worrying over luxuries that may or may not be coming.
With all that said, I am coming back from another evening with Kaia. Guess if these damned pages could talk you’d ask who in the abyss is Kaia. Well, to put it simple and plain she is the first woman I ever loved. Knew her most of my young life for about eleven years. We were damned near attached at the hip especially when someone put blades to her family. From that point on if you saw one of us, you saw the other. There was no other way about it.Â
Maybe that’s where we went wrong now that I think about. Naw, I’m not saying something like we were together too much and that brought the end of what we were. It was that the one time we decided to not travel together but take separate paths to the same point is when we allowed something else to get in the middle of what we were. She never made it to our rendezvous that evening because we took those different paths. For years I blamed her abandoning me when in truth she never did. Some pieces of chocobo dung attacked her when I wasn’t there to stand side by side with her. Back to back with her.Â
And while she may not blame me, for that was our plan, I still blame myself. She looked out for me at my darkest times and I tried to do the same for her. That was what made us who we are and during one of her darkest moments I was aboard a ship unable to leave because I allowed my ill tempered ways get the best of me and locking myself into servitude upon the very vessel we were meant to escape our lives upon.Â
Anyway, that’s the past and now I find her and she’s a lady of the evening and surviving on her own. Do I approve of her trade? Abyss no, can’t say it is something I am praising to the tides about. Not because I am judging what she does but because there is still a part of me that feels she is mine. She is still my Kai, my love, my everything. I know, I know. She isn’t anymore. She is her own woman, got her own life and has done well enough without my thick-head ass for nine years. Why can’t my mind understand that fully and I not begin to see red at the thought of someone else’s hands upon her smooth skin? By the sands, maybe it isn’t even my head that isn’t understanding that. Maybe it’s this bloody damned heart of mine that keeps ignoring the facts.
Either way, it’s good seeing her. Fuck, who am I kidding? It’s more than good. I still remember the scent of the damned woman. I still remember how the light touched upon her hair. How smooth her skin. The light in her teal eyes. We’ve spent two evenings together and by the Twelve they have been the best nights I have had in weeks and we did nothing but speak to each other. Maybe it’s just being near the woman. The woman who was my very damned breath when we were together. Remembering the laughs, the smiles, the pleasure we had in each other. How can I not feel this way with so many memories locked in this thick-headed skull of mine?
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I don’t even think the woman knows how hard it is to not take her back into my arms and say to the abyss with the nine years away. To act like nothing had happened and we can return to what we were and what we were meant to be. Kai even questioned me about Miya and that I probably need closure. The woman just doesn’t know how strong she exists within my head or, again, is it my heart where she exists and it is warring with my mind?
If so I wish they’d get the damned fight over with already because the more I see Kai the more I want to pull her back where she belongs.
Fuck was that my heart again!?
Here I am back in this sorry excuse of an inn room. Yeah, it’s my own choosing so can’t really complain, right? Not like I haven’t made enough gil to find something more than a cursed broom closet but what for? It’s just me and I am not one to think on such things too much. Sleeping years aboard a ship can cure any man or woman of worrying over luxuries that may or may not be coming.
With all that said, I am coming back from another evening with Kaia. Guess if these damned pages could talk you’d ask who in the abyss is Kaia. Well, to put it simple and plain she is the first woman I ever loved. Knew her most of my young life for about eleven years. We were damned near attached at the hip especially when someone put blades to her family. From that point on if you saw one of us, you saw the other. There was no other way about it.Â
Maybe that’s where we went wrong now that I think about. Naw, I’m not saying something like we were together too much and that brought the end of what we were. It was that the one time we decided to not travel together but take separate paths to the same point is when we allowed something else to get in the middle of what we were. She never made it to our rendezvous that evening because we took those different paths. For years I blamed her abandoning me when in truth she never did. Some pieces of chocobo dung attacked her when I wasn’t there to stand side by side with her. Back to back with her.Â
And while she may not blame me, for that was our plan, I still blame myself. She looked out for me at my darkest times and I tried to do the same for her. That was what made us who we are and during one of her darkest moments I was aboard a ship unable to leave because I allowed my ill tempered ways get the best of me and locking myself into servitude upon the very vessel we were meant to escape our lives upon.Â
Anyway, that’s the past and now I find her and she’s a lady of the evening and surviving on her own. Do I approve of her trade? Abyss no, can’t say it is something I am praising to the tides about. Not because I am judging what she does but because there is still a part of me that feels she is mine. She is still my Kai, my love, my everything. I know, I know. She isn’t anymore. She is her own woman, got her own life and has done well enough without my thick-head ass for nine years. Why can’t my mind understand that fully and I not begin to see red at the thought of someone else’s hands upon her smooth skin? By the sands, maybe it isn’t even my head that isn’t understanding that. Maybe it’s this bloody damned heart of mine that keeps ignoring the facts.
Either way, it’s good seeing her. Fuck, who am I kidding? It’s more than good. I still remember the scent of the damned woman. I still remember how the light touched upon her hair. How smooth her skin. The light in her teal eyes. We’ve spent two evenings together and by the Twelve they have been the best nights I have had in weeks and we did nothing but speak to each other. Maybe it’s just being near the woman. The woman who was my very damned breath when we were together. Remembering the laughs, the smiles, the pleasure we had in each other. How can I not feel this way with so many memories locked in this thick-headed skull of mine?
Â
I don’t even think the woman knows how hard it is to not take her back into my arms and say to the abyss with the nine years away. To act like nothing had happened and we can return to what we were and what we were meant to be. Kai even questioned me about Miya and that I probably need closure. The woman just doesn’t know how strong she exists within my head or, again, is it my heart where she exists and it is warring with my mind?
If so I wish they’d get the damned fight over with already because the more I see Kai the more I want to pull her back where she belongs.
Fuck was that my heart again!?
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Discord: Zhauric#0359
Ryuu Kaisoto: Mateus
Zhauric Bloodsworn (Currently Retired): Balmung
Discord: Zhauric#0359
Ryuu Kaisoto: Mateus
Zhauric Bloodsworn (Currently Retired): Balmung
