(07-20-2013, 02:38 AM)FreelanceWizard Wrote: With the proviso that I'm not a master of lalafell lore, this generally looks fine, but there's some things I think you might want to consider:
- You mention moving to Gridania. Gridanians in general tend to be opposed to outsiders, and the Black Shroud (especially pre-Calamity) is rife with elementals, treants, and other creatures that tend to kill those who haven't "gotten right with nature," so to speak. Angering the wood elementals accrues what's called "woodsin" (and they're notoriously easy to anger by outsiders), and those who don't cleanse themselves of that find the forest exceedingly deadly. So, the question to consider is, how did you avoid those dire fates?
- You're originally from Ala Mhigo. Ala Mhigo and Gridania have a largely poor relationship due to the Autumn War of about 100 years ago. That means you probably start out marked with woodsin, making the above concern even more salient. (As it was put on another thread, 100 years is nothing to a forest.) Have you considered being from somewhere else?
- If I'm reading your story correctly, you were at the Battle of Carteneau, but it's not clear to me how you didn't get incinerated or time warped. Did you retreat with the rest of the Grand Company regulars before the time warp (for those playing at home, this is confirmed in ARR's main scenario quest around level 17ish)?
- Narratively, I'm not sure I see why your family would move from Ala Mhigo to Ul'dah, then move again to Gridania, then stay while your father moved back to Ul'dah. Travel in Eorzea isn't for the faint of heart and is also quite costly, so all that movement seems a little odd, and I'm not sure what it establishes in the story. I see why the move from Ul'dah to Gridania happens in the story's arc, but what I'm not seeing is what it establishes about the character (and how what it brings to the table narratively outweighs the need to explain all that travel).
As far as the first point: any link to more information on this? If the woodsin is an issue, how do characters coming on the cart surpass this?
Second point: I guess I wasn't clear enough. My character met up with the retreating troops. I imagined the destruction at the battle field something that obliterated everything directly at the battlefield but could be seen for miles?
third Point: That is a good point. The reasoning for the double move is to establish my character's brother's prowess with a sword (training with gladiators is implied) and further establish my character childishness (Not caring about the beastmen being exiled while only being focused on his own feelings.
I didn't realize Ala Mhigo had bad blood with Eorzea... might have to modify it in this case unless I can find out more lore on how the elementals interact with newcomers (I didn't see too much of a mention of this when I played during Beta as a newcomer to the area).
