~24th Sun of the 5th Umbral Moon, 1577~
(10/23/13)
What... What am I doing?
It is early morning now and I awoke holding that girl... Holding Alice in my arms. We are at the Hermit's Hovel near the Floating City of Nym. I did nothing untoward, I swear. But, my memories of the night prior are vivid in my mind. The feeling is still burning in my chest, my fingertips, my tongue. I am stroking her cheek as I scribble this...
For some time now, I have wanted to kiss those lips. And last night, I did so.
Alice confessed to me that she was falling in love with me. Are 'falling in love' with someone and 'loving' someone two different things, two different phases of being in love with a person? I am unsure. Some would say it is, some would say it is not. I tried my best to deter her. I feigned ignorance, acting as if she only meant the claim in terms of friendship. I had no choice but to address the situation directly once she worded it in such a way that was impossible to deny. I admitted to her that I had no idea she would be so persistent. I... kind of turned her down in a roundabout sort of way. I needed to focus on my job. I cannot date my employer's client. Is that not indecent? I must stay professional. Mixing business and pleasure is not a practice that typically ends well. Not to mention that my past... I just... I do not want Alice to get involved in any of that. I do not want her to be sickened by me.
Anyway, it is no surprise that things between us quickly grew awkward. She did not take my reaction well and considered ending our contract. We could not just pretend that entire conversation did not happen, despite my pleas. We took shelter within the unclaimed house from the heavy rain, sitting on the bed next to one another in silence. After a time, I began to tremble. I did not know what to do. I was going to lose my friend. I would never see her again. Why did she have to become so attached to me? What if I die? What if I accidentally hurt her? What if...
Seeing me shake, Alice climbed down to the lower floor and sat at the desk, quietly crying. I could not bear it. It all felt so stupid. I am asking myself questions that do not need to asked. I like this girl. I like her so very much. I had been falling in love with her myself all along. Am I being young and impulsive? Oh, definitely. Do I care? Not much. We could not go back to how we were. It was this or nothing.
So I walked up, demanded that she stand, and pulled her close to me. I told her what I wanted and she allowed me to kiss her. And so we kissed... and kissed... and kissed.
I wonder if I got a bit carried away? I found myself teasing her in the beginning, before it progressed to something rather steamy. Kissing her brought out the most raw, unrestricted part of me... For a time, the animal within me arose. I did not have to be this polite, selfless knightess for once. I could be greedy. I could be rough. I could make her tremble and whimper before the passion of my touch. I made her succumb to me, belong to me. I called her a demon, a witch. She had done this to me. I was not myself. No... That is wrong. I was more myself than I had ever been in a very, very long time.
Alice asked me if this meant we were officially dating. I said yes.
...I only hope I do not regret my actions.
