~10th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon, 1577~
(11/10/13)
I have told Alice many things about myself in the past couple of days. I admitted to her how my first crush spawned my love for Miqo'te women (and my preference for women romantically in general, actually). I also admitted that I was worried about the future of our relationship. I do not have a clear picture of where we will be in a year or more. I have been ignoring or resisting Alice's advances.
It shames me to say that I am not sure if I love her.
Do I lust for her? Greatly. Few moments of the day go by where I am not picturing her quivering in my embrace, flesh bare. But... Does the animal of my instincts betray my human heart? Did I simply kiss her that night and tell her that I loved her so that she would not leave me? So that... I would not be alone? Or perhaps I only did so because I did want to lose sight of my prey. I did not want such delicious-looking flesh to escape from my grasp.
How much of a simpleton do I have to be to have trouble discerning love from lust? Self-inquiry of this nature feels vacuous. But it is what it is. I am unsure. I am frightened.
I finally made love to her last night. It is early morning now. I feigned sleep to slip away and write this entry. How could I sleep? I made love to a girl I am not even sure I hold genuine feelings for. I did not tell her this outright, but I did let her know that I was concerned about the strength of our relationship. Alice was stalwart as ever in her position. I expected that.
This will tear away at me, surely. It shall eat at my insides and thrash about in my skull until I can stand it no longer. I deserve it. If it turns out that my instincts do have the better of me than my heart, then... Then I have been leading Alice on for not much more than my own enjoyment and self-validation, like some sort of disgusting egomaniac.
I will return to her side and try my best to rest now. I want to awake before she does so I can prepare breakfast. At least it will take my mind off of things.
