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Poe’s Journal Entry
The writing is light and a bit shaky. One can not decipher if it’s sheer exhaustion or adrenaline. The paper has crinkled, as if someone toyed with the edges as they thought, spilling their inner thoughts out in a mess of ink and emotions.
Part of me feels like I missed so much while I was gone with the Padjals. Perhaps I was not as prepared as I had hoped for the masquerade but I still went. Perhaps overdressed…I don’t know. Everyone looked so good and the crowd was overwhelming. I mingled and socialized, offering cigars and making small talk. I was thankful to see familiar faces of the crew as we walked around, anxiously awaiting news in our pearl. Oddly, I noticed Lina and Ace rather close. Proof indeed I have missed much. They may have said she was drunk, but her manner told me otherwise. Not that I will prod. Any footing I might have had in the crew has disappeared since I was gone. They have no reason to tell me anything anymore.
There is an obvious pause in the writing.
The one thing Saefinn asked me to do I failed at. I could not get the guard to move. Foolish captain, he should have known I would not be able to do it. Woozy, thankfully, is much more gifted at such things. I feel bad she had to pick up the slack when I failed. S’anhu tried to tell me it was ok, but I know it wasn’t. I could almost feel the disappointment.I had hoped I wouldn’t be the weakest link…and I managed to prove again that I brought nothing to the table. Saefinn sent me to meet up with Mara and we moved down to the bridge, hiding out in a pile of hay, Ruhan nearby.
I felt like we sat there for ages, my stomach turning and my thighs aching from being in that position for so long. And then…we were given the warning. As the conflict ensued, I remembered my training. I am not anyone they would want on the front lines. I pulled back and prepared to take care of the injured.
As we gathered later at the ship to discuss the events, I did indeed see how much of an outsider I had become. Daevien departed shortly after, telling me he would see me soon. It has been so long since him and I could just sit quietly and talk. Perhaps I have pushed him away…
S’anhu…hasn’t spoken to me in days. I mean…he speaks at me, not to me. I don’t see the trust in his eyes, the warmth I am used to. Even Ace, Rose, Lina…I have broken the relationships somehow, the ones that are the most dear to me.
Perhaps that is what speaks volumes. I am not trusted. And that was all I wanted. Perhaps Mota and Sula were right, you should only look out for yourself. I wanted to be one who could emotionally support others…and I have never felt so alone. I should retire soon…I hope Daevien is still awake when I get to the room. I need to feel…something, anything. And I pray to Menphina it’s real.
