Poe's Journal Entry
The writing shows the writer paused often, to think, mull over what words would be put down…
I have been traveling, looking through tomes to see if there was any information that would help Ace. I see the sacrifice he has made…and while I may not have always agreed with his methods, I do know he did it with best intentions in his heart. And for this reason alone, regardless of his choices, I will help him. I promised him.
It started to rain yesterday, my mood turning sour with the weather. I had no information, no way to help. I don’t like feeling so helpless. As I was walking slowly through the streets of Ul’dah, smoking a cigar and…well, honestly sulking, I ran into Booker. I had not seen him for some time. I think the last time was back at the beach party, he was with a cute female and seemed to be enjoying himself. Regardless, it was nice to see him. We caught up, though I sensed something was amiss. I could hear the sadness within his words, though he said he would not trouble me with such stories. Our conversation shifted to what brought me to the city. I mentioned my search for information about a voidsent. Surprisingly, Booker stated he had dealt with something like this before. Kill Ace? That was not the answer I wanted to hear or am I willing to do… He did suggest that if brought to the brink of death, a voidsent would typically leave the host. I don’t know if that would work…I mean….I can’t let that happen to Ace. There has to be another way…
The rain stopped for a bit and I said farewell to Booker and went back to my rented room in Ul’dah. I have been thinking of a home for myself, a real home. I appreciate the space on the ship…but sometimes I need a place to just go away. Relan contacted me the other day to ask how I was….I told him I was good, fine…
But…I am not fine. Not at all. I have been throwing myself into other situations to keep from acknowledging my own pain. But I can’t run from that anymore, can I? I should have known he would hurt me…not on purpose but that it would happen. When you come from a family where you are a possession more than an individual with needs, maybe that made me susceptible? I feel like the crew cares for me…hell, some have even said so. I know they will be there for me. But…I suppose I let myself get caught up in the idea that he would always be there, unrealistic as that is.
I plan to talk to Rose…I am sure she can give me advice or even just a shoulder to cry on. Maybe this shows some growth on my part. I always try to be there for others…so where do I go with my thoughts? No where usually, sometimes Relan…but matters of the heart? There are a few lines scribbled out with such intensity that it is unreadable.It’s not like him and I ever made promises to each other, so why does it hurt? It seems perhaps the Gods have other plans for him and I will not hold him back. I will always be here for him…but I am not sure how strong I can be…
I am jealous…horribly so. I know relationships…can I even call ours that? - anyway - they go through their ups and downs. I see the looks given between lovers…or hopeful, wistful lovers. And Mota would call this nonsense. But I know her secret, she is just as afraid no one will love her as I am. The difference….I allow myself to love and when it knocks me down, I get back up…even if it takes some time.
Maybe it is not love though? It feels more like a dream, wishful thinking. I need a hug from Rose… I just keep repeating this to myself…
There is absolutely no point in sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself. The great power you have is to let go … focus on what you have, no that which has been mean or unkindly removed.
