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Poe’s Journal Entry
The pages are crumpled, as if someone started to rip and tear at the parchment. The ink has smudged significantly, what appears to be water marks (or perhaps tears) cover the pages.
I…I must have wronged Menphina….
The next page is less destroyed.
I thought I knew heart ache and pain….it’s laughable now. Truly.
I…I can’t even speak of it. I am afraid I will start crying again. Gods…I am weak and foolish. Menphina must be punishing me for my behavior…
Two sheets of paper are ripped from the binding, who knows what may have been written down on them.
I had a note from S’anu, asking if we could speak. I…I walked around a bit, unsure how to respond. Of course I wanted to speak with him…to see him. But…I knew so much now. I know Ace said what S’anhu thought of me. But, I don’t…can’t believe it.
We met at Wayward Point. So awkward, the conversation. But, I wanted to be brave. I told him I knew of…Kora and his difficult decision. I told him perhaps in the future Kora and him could have children. I tried….Menphina, don’t you see? I tried so hard to want the best for them. His happiness, his life, it doesn’t include me, not the way I want it to.
I admitted having feelings. But…I hope it was clear I would never try to interfere. S’anhu said he had to stay with her…., that she would be all alone without him, that she needed him.
His needs, my needs….are not important…
It took every bit of strength, I tried to keep it together. But tears started to fall. He has feelings for me, but stays with her? I…I am not asking for him to pick me…I would never ask that. I told him how I felt. That he made -me- a better person, which is why I would want to be with him. And I wanted to know when his wants, needs, happiness would come first? That he couldn’t help others without first loving and helping himself.
And then the excuses…I was too good? Kora would be all alone? Fuck, he was alone when he first showed up in Limsa, I was alone when I left my family and arrived in Limsa… Being alone is a choice…if one chooses to alienate and withdraw….no one else can stop one from doing that.
Then…..
He said it. He loves me…
Part of me wanted to run to him, to kiss him, to tell him how my hearts beat when near him. And then the reality set in. How…how cruel to even say to me. Why…for what gain does sharing that have? To hurt me further?
He banged his head, he had before, but now he had managed to make himself bleed. I knelt down, urging him to stop. Begging more likely. I promised I wouldn’t say anything, I would stop asking questions. I would just leave it. He had made his decision. Kora….
Ami came over the pearl…. Daevien, she had found him. He was injured.
My stomach dropped. S’anhu was crying, he told me to go, they needed my help with Daevien. He told them on the pearl he would be there shortly. That moment stretched out, I just looked at him. So this was it?
I kissed him on the cheek…I shouldn’t have. In that moment, I felt more alone than I ever thought possible… and then I left.
I was able to get up to where they found Daevien as fast as I could. Ami, Cao, Ry, Kel….they were there already. His eyes…Daevien’s eyes…black.
And my already beaten and broken heart…Menphina - I am done. I can’t do this…I can’t do any of this.
I knew once I saw the eyes, it wasn’t Daevien…has he been held hostage like this? Is this where he has been? Did I too hastily assume he didn’t want me…and that’s why he left? My confusion over my emotions….I felt like I had loved Daevien when we…we were together but with his disappearance I had assumed that it had to have been lust…but….why does it hurt to see him?
But Daevien would not retreat, that beast speaking through his body…the body I knew so intimately. They were forced into action…Kel and Daevien…well…the beast. Ry was attempting to cast, but there was so much movement. S’anhu ran in.
Water marks where tears fell once more are evident on the parchment.
And the blood…Kel…The beast…that body with the hauntingly beautiful eyes approached me. His weapon was not drawn though. And he asked me did I see? That inside Daevien was begging to the beast to not injure….me. He had my complete and utter attention. And Ami fired an arrow.
Paralytic poison…but the beast escaped before they could get him. Capture him…
My feelings, my thoughts….I had to bank them. Kel was gravely injured. I was able to offer healing, even more than usual as Ryillin offered to let me use his aetheric energy. I…I had never done anything like that. We quickly rushed him back to the Den. I went over his wounds again, he is resting comfortably for now.
I tried to offer my apologies to Ami…I know the choice she made must not have been easy. I don’t know if I would have been able to make that choice. She was upset like the rest of us, stating Daevien had told her how much he cared for me. Why? Why had he never spoken of it to me?
S’anhu offered to put together a search party to try to track down Daevien. From the cryptic language of the beast, Ami pointed that he might be returning to his parents’ home. Ami begged to capture Dae…to not…to not kill him.
I was drained. My emotions felt like they had been bled dry, my own ability to use the aether energy…sapped. I needed sleep. I set my hammock up near Kel. There was potential he may have needed more healing.
I just want to shut this pain off….
