One of D'hein's ears flopped down, then up, then down again. He looked around the room distractedly, made a bemused face. Then he snapped his head up and looked wide-eyed at the wall. "Wait, me?" He dropped his gaze down to Illira. "You mean, like, ME?" He turned on the window. "It sounded like you were talking about me just now."
Illira's hands clutched tightly at the coverlet below her, staring out at the man as she slowly drew her knees up towards her, "Yes... D'hein. You."
Bringing his hands in front of him and pulling on his numb right fingers, D'hein muttered, "I'm not sure what... Why myself?"
The inner tremor of rage that she felt only grew with the question. For all that he blamed her for never listening, he was surely deaf, "You may as well be Ul'dah. Thats what you look like to me."
"That's not a reason. I've never done anything!" D'hein gestured in a random direction. "Every time I ask you why you hate me so much, you say it's because you hate me. I ask why you think I'm a bad person and you say it's because I'm terrible. Those aren't arguments. They're emotions. You're just being emotional!"
“You would not leave, for wish to listen. But all you ever do is talk. Talk. And justify. And manipulate. Always for your own ends. When have you ever thought about another besides yourself? Never. Its always about you.†Her voice was like a coiled spring, ready to let loose given the right provocation, “You left your duty to this filth-ridden city because your ego told you that abiding orders wasn’t worthy of you only to complain that I threw out you milk when you returned a month later! You lied and went behind my back, to bring that poor woman back underneath you. Even worse, after you’d been warned about your behaviour and actions towards her. -And dont!- you dare say it was for her own good. There were many, better, simpler ways to have told her that her children were alive. But no. You had to play your void-sent games with her head to give you the best chance to take her for your own because your a tia and aren’t allowed to have a Dodo woman.â€
Illira fell silent, seeming to have run out of steam. But then she continued, quieter, but now less vicious in tone, “You pried into my family business. There was no reason for you to have. And you pulled your twelve-forsaken strings to let him out before he was due. The syndicate put him there, and let they let him out on one of their own’s whim. As if law, and sentences, and penance meant nothing. Exceptions can’t be made. Because then it all means nothing, and where will we be then? Living only at the mercy of games and whims, D’hein. And Ul’dah is already drowning in those.â€
As D'hein listened, he certainly made no movement to interrupt. He did shift uncomfortably, though, and begin to pace in a small, irritated circle with his hands behind him. He was doing his best to stay awake and lucid, with his tail dragging on the ground behind him and his ears popping up in turn to listen to Illira. Finally, he turned towards her, set his stance, and put on stoic features. he spoke slowly. "So except for your philosophies concerning law, you are angry at me for," he held up three fingers on his gloved right hand, "Leaving Ul'dah to try and contact the Gilneans, asking that your brother be freed prematurely, and for my dealings with Antimony?"
"You-" the elezen snapped, gripping the covers tighter still to keep herself in place, "Did you not listen to what I said? Still, you only see your actions as they only directly pertained to you? And not what was left in their wake?"
D'hein spread his arms, "I'm just trying to find out what I did that's made you so upset! I'm thinking cause-and-affect here!"
The woman's teeth ground as she admit, "Among other things, yes."
"If I know what's got you so angry I know what to apologize for, or at least to explain, since you seem immune to apologies." His ears canted crookedly, one high and one low. "Though I do not think these are things that I can make better. I believe that if you really understood why I did what I do, you wouldn't hate me. You may still be angry, and it may be right of you to be -- I am certainly not very happy with the outcomes of my actions -- but I do not think you would feel any need to harm me. At least because there is little left of me to hurt."
Illira took a gasping breath, "I dont... I don't... I'm afraid of myself, D'hein. Because I know empirically, that what I want is wrong. That our laws don't allow what my hands desire and thoughts clamor for. Thats why I left, you understand? So that I wouldn't lose control. Like Amaury, except worse." The lanky woman's knees were rightly drawn up against her, almost a shield against the world. "Please," she asked, clear grey eyes shutting, "please, try to explain yourself."
"The difference between a good person and a bad person, is that a good person only fantasizes about committing terrible crimes. I don't think you would do what it is you fear that you would do." He sighed, looking at the floor. "Ah, but you don't think I'm a good judge of that kind of thing."
When he raised his face again, he was smiling, albeit tiredly. He took a few steps towards Illira. "I think time has showed that my choice to leave Ul'dah in search of Garleans was a mistake, especially considering that I was absent far longer than I had prepared for. We can call it oversight or incompetence if we like, but I call it a bet that went bad. Had I succeeded in contacting our superiors in the Empire, we might have been able to turn aside the fall of the Castrum. Maybe. It is not impossible."
"You are a terrible judge, and its good that you admit it. You do not know me well enough to know what I can and will do." Illira tried to press further back into the headboard as the Miqo’te stepped forward, "You cannot simply leave your duty. You left no word, discussed it with no one. Simply vanished. That is unacceptable."
"I told people I was leaving. If I was only gone for the single planned month everything would've been fine. It didn't work out that way. You can say what I did was unwise, a mistake, but it was not /immoral/."
"Saying vague and cryptic things that you want to talk to the higher ups, isn't telling people what you are doing. You left the rest of us to pick up your slack. Me, really. And I hate Ul'dah."
"Well I'm sorry you got stuck with Ul'dah. I hate it too, you know." He crossed his arms and appeared dour. "Still. Being upset that my warnings were insufficient is not cogent with thinking that I am evil."
Illira's nostrils flare at that, "Thats not what I... -This-. This is what you do. Twist words and spin tales to show you just as you wish to be. Intention means nothing though. Only your actions can be brought to bear."
He threw up his hands. "I'm not twisting anything! All I'm saying is a mistake isn't a wantonly evil act! That's twisted? It's a simple statement of logic!"
"There. Even now, you're putting into my mouth that were never there. You don't even know when to stop, its so ingrained in you. I don't care that you didn't give good warning. I care that you abandoned your duty and orders so readily because your goals and ambitions and ideas were taken over what was decided to be best for all."
"And you want to run everything like the military. I didn't abandon my duty; I took a leave of absence, which is something businessmen do all the time. And I wasn't under orders. I acted within my authority."
The woman's head shoots up as her nails dig into her calves to keep from moving, "Thats because the CRA -isn't- a business, D'hein. For us it is a mission, a duty to right what is wrong in this world. Apparently, us does you include you though."
The Miqo'te rolled his eyes. "You're the kind of person who needs everything she disagrees with or doesn't like to be objectively evil. You don't need to destroy things just because they are annoying."
"And you're one of those people who insists that everything is grey because if you were forced to make a stand and be judged, you would not like how it looks. There is a reason I make no apologies for anything I do. Because I stand fully behind every action and its consequence." The pant linen that she wore was thin, so as her nails drew blood through it, small dark stains began to appear around her fingertips.
D'hein frowned and shook his head. "I have never refused to answer for any action I have taken. Before the gods and before my conscience, I have done only what I believe right. You are not my judge."
"No. But should not be you be your own judge. I am not mine, that is the purpouse that the law serves. If I were to kill you now, I would turn myself in so that I face that judgement. The same for any crime I could commit. You would not do the same. You've already broken that judgement while I've known you."
"Have not. I've done nothing illegal. You just don't want to admit it." He blinked, and then amended. "Except contact the Garleans. But you and I are both guilty of treason."
Illira's jaw clenches, "And if the Empire fails, I will gladly die with it. And you did interfere with judgement when you made deals to have my brother released, he did not face his full sentence."
"Those in authority decided that my asking to let him go was enough to reconsider his disproportionately long sentence, as I've said." He shrugged, then he balked and lifted one ear at her. "Or do you think that when I say I 'asked' I'm implying some sort of compensation?"
The elezen let go of her legs at that, letting them slide off the bed as she stood, "There was no appeals process," answered Illira. "People are not set free from jail because someone asked nicely."
He quirked his lips to the side. "There's an appeals process for everything. There is nothing in any society that is beyond the authority of SOMEONE to legally strike down or reconsider."
Stepping towards the man, Illira answered, "I would have been notified if there had been a proper one."
Giving Illira an unrelenting look, D'hein reaffirmed the cross of his arms over his chest. "Calling it improper is just your way of refusing to admit that you're wrong. Nothing improper happened, and you can't seem to handle that."
Looking down her nose at the man, she said, "And you're either you're a liar or an idiot. You forget that I am more than familiar with Ul'dah's legal system."
"Alright, then. You tell me who has the authority to petition for release without a formal appeals process. Because it wasn't done off-the-books." He spread his arms. "Look, as long as you keep looking at systems as unbendable, you're never going to be satisfied. The real world doesn't work like that. I'm sure it's true even of Garlemald."
Laughing bitterly, Illira just shakes her head more sure of herself now than she was if that was possible, "You're just excusing yourself. A stamp from the Syndicate doesn't mean anything. It was off the books. Thats how all of you operate, little tricks and loopholes everywhere so that you aren't bound to answer."
"So what you're saying is you didn't even look at the books. You just want everything to be wrong so badly that you won't even look."
"Did you not just hear what I said? A stamp that you bargained and talked into existence isn't right. Its why Ul'dah is a cesspit. Because you all consider -that- law and right and just. When it all it does it is beget more of the same."
Raising his eyebrow, D'hein shook his head. "More of what? People talking and appealing to higher authority? I'm not saying nothing illegal or questionable happens in Ul'dah. That's why I'm working so hard. But it's absolutely impossible to satisfy you because you're immune to the truth. Nald himself could walk into the room and you'd accuse him of dodging taxes."
Ignoring the man's mocking, she answered seriously, "If Nald took in an income, which I suppose he does after a fashion, and he did not pay taxes, which he doesn't... Then yes. I would do so."
"You're insane." D'hein turned away, whacking the woman with his tail but not feeling himself do it. "Your problem isn't that you're too rigid or untrusting or that others aren't honest. Your problem is that you are disconnected from reality."
"I am, am I? Because I've never had issues until I met you." A long fingered hand reached out to touch the Miqo'te's face, "All I hear from you are lies and excuses. Tell the truth for once. Anything will do for now." Her hand drops down to feel the pulse at his throat.
Stepping back and swinging an arm to knock the hand away, D'hein snapped, "It is the honest truth. You refuse all evidence. You vanish without word. You avoid family. You obsess over inconsequentials. Fantasize about violence. Wound yourself. You're insane, and you need to be treated as such."
Her steely gaze widened at that as she turned her hand back to herself. It was easy to see the smudges of blood that had dried on the fingers and under the nails from when she had dug into herself rather than loose control. Illira brought the hand up to her own face, leaning into it heavily even as she drags it away in a gesture not unlike that of tearing.
The woman took a heavy breath, words dragging out of her mouth, "I suppose most of that is the truth."
"Most of it." D'hein repeated, taking a step back from Illira, eying her behavior warily. "Sure. We can find someone for you to talk to. A practitioner of... some kind of faith, or healing."
"I'm not... I'm not crazy. All I want is a better world for everyone. Is that really so much to ask for?" She grimaced, running her tongue over dry lips, "I... I shouldn't have ever come back. It was stupid of me. I knew better," she said, sounding rather defeated.
"Wanting a better world isn't crazy. There are some problems in it. But you're seeing shadows where there aren't any, and when you want to destroy them, there's a problem." He showed Illira his palms. "I think if you just take some time away from work, maybe read a few books, make some new friends."
She laughs at that, body curling inward as it wracks its way through her, "That won't fix anything."
"It... might not seem like it now. But... I mean." He looks to the side and then back. "By make new friends, I meant... Well. Professional friends. The kind of people who can help you see the light in the shadows, instead of the shadows in the light."
"Oh, so worried aren't you? Even after everything? I'm sure you're just trying to save your own wicked hide." The elezen motions her lightly blooded hand towards the door, "Go then. Save your hide. Its what you're good at, isn't it?" Her head turns up towards him, thick eyebrow raised.
His brow falling, D'hein muttered in annoyance, "If I was just out to save my hide I would've left the moment you started going on about your psycho murder fantasies."
She motions once more, "You should go. Right now. Before I change my mind."
He shakes his head. "I didn't come in here just to find out that you're dangerous and then walk out knowing that. Whether you're crazy or not, the way you're feeling and the thoughts you're having need to be dealt with."
Illira turned away, not wanting to look at D’hein any longer. She waved her hand as if to dismiss him, "Just... do what you want. You will anyway."
"What I want? All right, then." D'hein dropped his hands to his sides and took several steps towards Illira, stopping beside her and looking at her sideways. "I'll stick around. I don't think that you'll actually hurt me. There must be something we can do to smooth out that righteous fury of yours."
Illira's hands clutched tightly at the coverlet below her, staring out at the man as she slowly drew her knees up towards her, "Yes... D'hein. You."
Bringing his hands in front of him and pulling on his numb right fingers, D'hein muttered, "I'm not sure what... Why myself?"
The inner tremor of rage that she felt only grew with the question. For all that he blamed her for never listening, he was surely deaf, "You may as well be Ul'dah. Thats what you look like to me."
"That's not a reason. I've never done anything!" D'hein gestured in a random direction. "Every time I ask you why you hate me so much, you say it's because you hate me. I ask why you think I'm a bad person and you say it's because I'm terrible. Those aren't arguments. They're emotions. You're just being emotional!"
“You would not leave, for wish to listen. But all you ever do is talk. Talk. And justify. And manipulate. Always for your own ends. When have you ever thought about another besides yourself? Never. Its always about you.†Her voice was like a coiled spring, ready to let loose given the right provocation, “You left your duty to this filth-ridden city because your ego told you that abiding orders wasn’t worthy of you only to complain that I threw out you milk when you returned a month later! You lied and went behind my back, to bring that poor woman back underneath you. Even worse, after you’d been warned about your behaviour and actions towards her. -And dont!- you dare say it was for her own good. There were many, better, simpler ways to have told her that her children were alive. But no. You had to play your void-sent games with her head to give you the best chance to take her for your own because your a tia and aren’t allowed to have a Dodo woman.â€
Illira fell silent, seeming to have run out of steam. But then she continued, quieter, but now less vicious in tone, “You pried into my family business. There was no reason for you to have. And you pulled your twelve-forsaken strings to let him out before he was due. The syndicate put him there, and let they let him out on one of their own’s whim. As if law, and sentences, and penance meant nothing. Exceptions can’t be made. Because then it all means nothing, and where will we be then? Living only at the mercy of games and whims, D’hein. And Ul’dah is already drowning in those.â€
As D'hein listened, he certainly made no movement to interrupt. He did shift uncomfortably, though, and begin to pace in a small, irritated circle with his hands behind him. He was doing his best to stay awake and lucid, with his tail dragging on the ground behind him and his ears popping up in turn to listen to Illira. Finally, he turned towards her, set his stance, and put on stoic features. he spoke slowly. "So except for your philosophies concerning law, you are angry at me for," he held up three fingers on his gloved right hand, "Leaving Ul'dah to try and contact the Gilneans, asking that your brother be freed prematurely, and for my dealings with Antimony?"
"You-" the elezen snapped, gripping the covers tighter still to keep herself in place, "Did you not listen to what I said? Still, you only see your actions as they only directly pertained to you? And not what was left in their wake?"
D'hein spread his arms, "I'm just trying to find out what I did that's made you so upset! I'm thinking cause-and-affect here!"
The woman's teeth ground as she admit, "Among other things, yes."
"If I know what's got you so angry I know what to apologize for, or at least to explain, since you seem immune to apologies." His ears canted crookedly, one high and one low. "Though I do not think these are things that I can make better. I believe that if you really understood why I did what I do, you wouldn't hate me. You may still be angry, and it may be right of you to be -- I am certainly not very happy with the outcomes of my actions -- but I do not think you would feel any need to harm me. At least because there is little left of me to hurt."
Illira took a gasping breath, "I dont... I don't... I'm afraid of myself, D'hein. Because I know empirically, that what I want is wrong. That our laws don't allow what my hands desire and thoughts clamor for. Thats why I left, you understand? So that I wouldn't lose control. Like Amaury, except worse." The lanky woman's knees were rightly drawn up against her, almost a shield against the world. "Please," she asked, clear grey eyes shutting, "please, try to explain yourself."
"The difference between a good person and a bad person, is that a good person only fantasizes about committing terrible crimes. I don't think you would do what it is you fear that you would do." He sighed, looking at the floor. "Ah, but you don't think I'm a good judge of that kind of thing."
When he raised his face again, he was smiling, albeit tiredly. He took a few steps towards Illira. "I think time has showed that my choice to leave Ul'dah in search of Garleans was a mistake, especially considering that I was absent far longer than I had prepared for. We can call it oversight or incompetence if we like, but I call it a bet that went bad. Had I succeeded in contacting our superiors in the Empire, we might have been able to turn aside the fall of the Castrum. Maybe. It is not impossible."
"You are a terrible judge, and its good that you admit it. You do not know me well enough to know what I can and will do." Illira tried to press further back into the headboard as the Miqo’te stepped forward, "You cannot simply leave your duty. You left no word, discussed it with no one. Simply vanished. That is unacceptable."
"I told people I was leaving. If I was only gone for the single planned month everything would've been fine. It didn't work out that way. You can say what I did was unwise, a mistake, but it was not /immoral/."
"Saying vague and cryptic things that you want to talk to the higher ups, isn't telling people what you are doing. You left the rest of us to pick up your slack. Me, really. And I hate Ul'dah."
"Well I'm sorry you got stuck with Ul'dah. I hate it too, you know." He crossed his arms and appeared dour. "Still. Being upset that my warnings were insufficient is not cogent with thinking that I am evil."
Illira's nostrils flare at that, "Thats not what I... -This-. This is what you do. Twist words and spin tales to show you just as you wish to be. Intention means nothing though. Only your actions can be brought to bear."
He threw up his hands. "I'm not twisting anything! All I'm saying is a mistake isn't a wantonly evil act! That's twisted? It's a simple statement of logic!"
"There. Even now, you're putting into my mouth that were never there. You don't even know when to stop, its so ingrained in you. I don't care that you didn't give good warning. I care that you abandoned your duty and orders so readily because your goals and ambitions and ideas were taken over what was decided to be best for all."
"And you want to run everything like the military. I didn't abandon my duty; I took a leave of absence, which is something businessmen do all the time. And I wasn't under orders. I acted within my authority."
The woman's head shoots up as her nails dig into her calves to keep from moving, "Thats because the CRA -isn't- a business, D'hein. For us it is a mission, a duty to right what is wrong in this world. Apparently, us does you include you though."
The Miqo'te rolled his eyes. "You're the kind of person who needs everything she disagrees with or doesn't like to be objectively evil. You don't need to destroy things just because they are annoying."
"And you're one of those people who insists that everything is grey because if you were forced to make a stand and be judged, you would not like how it looks. There is a reason I make no apologies for anything I do. Because I stand fully behind every action and its consequence." The pant linen that she wore was thin, so as her nails drew blood through it, small dark stains began to appear around her fingertips.
D'hein frowned and shook his head. "I have never refused to answer for any action I have taken. Before the gods and before my conscience, I have done only what I believe right. You are not my judge."
"No. But should not be you be your own judge. I am not mine, that is the purpouse that the law serves. If I were to kill you now, I would turn myself in so that I face that judgement. The same for any crime I could commit. You would not do the same. You've already broken that judgement while I've known you."
"Have not. I've done nothing illegal. You just don't want to admit it." He blinked, and then amended. "Except contact the Garleans. But you and I are both guilty of treason."
Illira's jaw clenches, "And if the Empire fails, I will gladly die with it. And you did interfere with judgement when you made deals to have my brother released, he did not face his full sentence."
"Those in authority decided that my asking to let him go was enough to reconsider his disproportionately long sentence, as I've said." He shrugged, then he balked and lifted one ear at her. "Or do you think that when I say I 'asked' I'm implying some sort of compensation?"
The elezen let go of her legs at that, letting them slide off the bed as she stood, "There was no appeals process," answered Illira. "People are not set free from jail because someone asked nicely."
He quirked his lips to the side. "There's an appeals process for everything. There is nothing in any society that is beyond the authority of SOMEONE to legally strike down or reconsider."
Stepping towards the man, Illira answered, "I would have been notified if there had been a proper one."
Giving Illira an unrelenting look, D'hein reaffirmed the cross of his arms over his chest. "Calling it improper is just your way of refusing to admit that you're wrong. Nothing improper happened, and you can't seem to handle that."
Looking down her nose at the man, she said, "And you're either you're a liar or an idiot. You forget that I am more than familiar with Ul'dah's legal system."
"Alright, then. You tell me who has the authority to petition for release without a formal appeals process. Because it wasn't done off-the-books." He spread his arms. "Look, as long as you keep looking at systems as unbendable, you're never going to be satisfied. The real world doesn't work like that. I'm sure it's true even of Garlemald."
Laughing bitterly, Illira just shakes her head more sure of herself now than she was if that was possible, "You're just excusing yourself. A stamp from the Syndicate doesn't mean anything. It was off the books. Thats how all of you operate, little tricks and loopholes everywhere so that you aren't bound to answer."
"So what you're saying is you didn't even look at the books. You just want everything to be wrong so badly that you won't even look."
"Did you not just hear what I said? A stamp that you bargained and talked into existence isn't right. Its why Ul'dah is a cesspit. Because you all consider -that- law and right and just. When it all it does it is beget more of the same."
Raising his eyebrow, D'hein shook his head. "More of what? People talking and appealing to higher authority? I'm not saying nothing illegal or questionable happens in Ul'dah. That's why I'm working so hard. But it's absolutely impossible to satisfy you because you're immune to the truth. Nald himself could walk into the room and you'd accuse him of dodging taxes."
Ignoring the man's mocking, she answered seriously, "If Nald took in an income, which I suppose he does after a fashion, and he did not pay taxes, which he doesn't... Then yes. I would do so."
"You're insane." D'hein turned away, whacking the woman with his tail but not feeling himself do it. "Your problem isn't that you're too rigid or untrusting or that others aren't honest. Your problem is that you are disconnected from reality."
"I am, am I? Because I've never had issues until I met you." A long fingered hand reached out to touch the Miqo'te's face, "All I hear from you are lies and excuses. Tell the truth for once. Anything will do for now." Her hand drops down to feel the pulse at his throat.
Stepping back and swinging an arm to knock the hand away, D'hein snapped, "It is the honest truth. You refuse all evidence. You vanish without word. You avoid family. You obsess over inconsequentials. Fantasize about violence. Wound yourself. You're insane, and you need to be treated as such."
Her steely gaze widened at that as she turned her hand back to herself. It was easy to see the smudges of blood that had dried on the fingers and under the nails from when she had dug into herself rather than loose control. Illira brought the hand up to her own face, leaning into it heavily even as she drags it away in a gesture not unlike that of tearing.
The woman took a heavy breath, words dragging out of her mouth, "I suppose most of that is the truth."
"Most of it." D'hein repeated, taking a step back from Illira, eying her behavior warily. "Sure. We can find someone for you to talk to. A practitioner of... some kind of faith, or healing."
"I'm not... I'm not crazy. All I want is a better world for everyone. Is that really so much to ask for?" She grimaced, running her tongue over dry lips, "I... I shouldn't have ever come back. It was stupid of me. I knew better," she said, sounding rather defeated.
"Wanting a better world isn't crazy. There are some problems in it. But you're seeing shadows where there aren't any, and when you want to destroy them, there's a problem." He showed Illira his palms. "I think if you just take some time away from work, maybe read a few books, make some new friends."
She laughs at that, body curling inward as it wracks its way through her, "That won't fix anything."
"It... might not seem like it now. But... I mean." He looks to the side and then back. "By make new friends, I meant... Well. Professional friends. The kind of people who can help you see the light in the shadows, instead of the shadows in the light."
"Oh, so worried aren't you? Even after everything? I'm sure you're just trying to save your own wicked hide." The elezen motions her lightly blooded hand towards the door, "Go then. Save your hide. Its what you're good at, isn't it?" Her head turns up towards him, thick eyebrow raised.
His brow falling, D'hein muttered in annoyance, "If I was just out to save my hide I would've left the moment you started going on about your psycho murder fantasies."
She motions once more, "You should go. Right now. Before I change my mind."
He shakes his head. "I didn't come in here just to find out that you're dangerous and then walk out knowing that. Whether you're crazy or not, the way you're feeling and the thoughts you're having need to be dealt with."
Illira turned away, not wanting to look at D’hein any longer. She waved her hand as if to dismiss him, "Just... do what you want. You will anyway."
"What I want? All right, then." D'hein dropped his hands to his sides and took several steps towards Illira, stopping beside her and looking at her sideways. "I'll stick around. I don't think that you'll actually hurt me. There must be something we can do to smooth out that righteous fury of yours."
![[Image: 7gJtlcb.png]](http://i.imgur.com/7gJtlcb.png)
