RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes

CrookedTarot · **09-17-2014, 04:37 PM**

While perusing a copy of the Mythril Eye it is not unlikely that one may notice in the back of the illustrious newsletter of Ul'dah that there is a small column. Marked simply as 'Ask the Phoenix' it appears to be an advice column that various people send letters into to have answered in print by the ever witty and enlightened 'Phoenix'. Although, most everyone who knows anything about the merchants of Ul'dah likely have an idea of who the 'mysterious' Phoenix is, it still does not change the fact that this column is still in the back of nearly every issue. Of course, readers are encouraged to send in their letters for advice, under the protection of whatever name they sign the letter as...

[[This is not meant entirely to be taken seriously--something more along the lines of a Dear Abby column. While it is indeed IC, it's meant more to divulge problems of characters may have that range from the serious to the silly. Of course keep things appropriate considering the Mythril Eye likely wouldn't allow into print anything TOO dark or shocking. Your character may use their real name or a pen-name. This is free and open to anyone that wants to give it a try!]

CrookedTarot · **09-17-2014, 04:43 PM**

Dear Phoenix,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.

Signed,
Worry-Wort

==========

Dear Worry-Wort,

It sounds to me as if your husband has seen the error of his ways. In fact, he's gone so far as to promise never to repeat an offense he's yet to commit! The fact is, this man appears to be able to see into the future and I strongly urge you to remain married to him. A man that can peer through the veil to foresee his own problems rarely makes the same mistake twice.

Signed,

The Phoenix.

OttoVann · **09-17-2014, 04:54 PM**

"Dear Phoenix,

How many women is too many? I find myself lately being choked by all of them clamoring for what little time I have, while also beginning something akin to a steady relationship with a proper Highland woman I encountered the other day at The Quicksand.

For example, yesterday I had Ridley fetch this new woman that I am trying to be steady with, and three others decided to join me relatively unannounced, which leaves me with a total party of six in my room when I only wanted a bit of one on one time. How would you manage this mess?

All the best.

v/r

-Otto Vann"

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CrookedTarot · **09-17-2014, 05:02 PM**

(09-17-2014, 04:54 PM)OttoVann Wrote: "Dear Phoenix,

How many women is too many? Â I find myself lately being choked by all of them clamoring for what little time I have, while also beginning something akin to a steady relationship with a proper Highland woman I encountered the other day at The Quicksand.

For example, yesterday I had Ridley fetch this new woman that I am trying to be steady with, and three others decided to join me relatively unannounced, which leaves me with a total party of six in my room when I only wanted a bit of one on one time. Â How would you manage this mess?

All the best.

v/r

-Otto Vann"

Dear Otto Vann,

I would recommend that you take a moment and consider your priorities. On the one hand, you have a woman who is dedicated to you (presumably) and finds you engaging and attractive enough to overlook the effect your ungodly amount of charisma with the opposite sex.

On the other hand, you have (again presumably) an ungodly amount of charisma that results in an equally ungodly amount of bragging rights.

The question is less about what I would do if I was in this mess and more about which you value more; a quiet evening alone with the one you love, or a room full of well-armed, well-trained women all vying to be the apple of your eye.

If the former, I recommend a good dead bolt and possibly a trained behemoth.

Signed,

The Phoenix

Tiergan · **09-17-2014, 05:06 PM**

Dear Phoenix,

One of m'brother's chocobos has bloated to th'size of a Goobue and is just as round. I've been tasked with helpin' Big Bo lose weight. Th'tried and tested 'Green-on-a-Stick" method isn't really workin' out like I hoped. What should I do?

The Pinkest Bard

OttoVann · **09-17-2014, 05:17 PM**

(09-17-2014, 05:02 PM)CrookedTarot Wrote:
(09-17-2014, 04:54 PM)OttoVann Wrote: "Dear Phoenix,

How many women is too many? Â I find myself lately being choked by all of them clamoring for what little time I have, while also beginning something akin to a steady relationship with a proper Highland woman I encountered the other day at The Quicksand.

For example, yesterday I had Ridley fetch this new woman that I am trying to be steady with, and three others decided to join me relatively unannounced, which leaves me with a total party of six in my room when I only wanted a bit of one on one time. Â How would you manage this mess?

All the best.

v/r

-Otto Vann"

Dear Otto Vann,

I would recommend that you take a moment and consider your priorities. On the one hand, you have a woman who is dedicated to you (presumably) and finds you engaging and attractive enough to overlook the effect your ungodly amount of charisma with the opposite sex.

On the other hand, you have (again presumably) an ungodly amount of charisma that results in an equally ungodly amount of bragging rights.

The question is less about what I would do if I was in this mess and more about which you value more; a quiet evening alone with the one you love, or a room full of well-armed, well-trained women all vying to be the apple of your eye.

If the former, I recommend a good dead bolt and possibly a trained behemoth.

Signed,

The Phoenix

CrookedTarot · **09-17-2014, 05:57 PM**

(09-17-2014, 05:06 PM)Tiergan Wrote: Dear Phoenix,

One of m'brother's chocobos has bloated to th'size of a Goobue and is just as round. Â I've been tasked with helpin' Big Bo lose weight. Â Th'tried and tested 'Green-on-a-Stick" method isn't really workin' out like I hoped. Â What should I do?

The Pinkest Bard

Dear Pinkest Bard,

I'm afraid I'm not entirely familiar with Chocobo raising. However, I do know enough to tell you that letting your bloated Bo sit in the oven at temperatures of about 250 degrees for at least three hours and a good carving knife is one way to help cut the fat.

I recommend a nice dressing if Big Bo isn't one of the new 'pretty' colored chocobos I've seen around town.

Signed,

The Phoenix

CrookedTarot · **09-18-2014, 11:23 AM**

Dear Phoenix,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Sincerely,

Maru-Paru

=================

Dear Maru-Paru,

I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm fairly sure that his brand of disloyalty isn't just vulgar and stupid--it also may be contagious. Head to the Alchemist's Guild and see if they can't get you taken care of before trying to square things away with your husband.

Signed,

The Phoenix

CrookedTarot · **09-20-2014, 11:28 AM**

Dear Phoenix,
I joined the Maelstrom to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Signed,
Salty Wolf

Dear Salty Wolf,

I would suggest a career in piracy, but the odds are, you've already done that being from Lominsa, so perhaps you could either serve your term and retire or try to steal something from the Admiral? I can tell you that will end your term very abruptly.

Signed,

The Phoenix

DreamedReality · **10-02-2014, 02:32 PM**

Dear Phoenix,

There are several small moths in the kitchen and I can't figure out where they keep coming from. Often I see their disgusting little grubs crawling across the ceiling or up a wall! One even landed in the soup I was preparing last night! How do I get rid of them aside from burning my kitchen down?!

Signed,
The frustrated cook

______________________________

Dear Phoenix,

Yer advice is a crock o chokoshitt. Tha tonic got rid o the lice but now al my hair fel out! Ye better prey I never fined out who ya are.

Signed,
The bald adventurer

CrookedTarot · **10-02-2014, 02:46 PM**

(10-02-2014, 02:32 PM)Jaques Wrote: Dear Phoenix,

There are several small moths in the kitchen and I can't figure out where they keep coming from. Often I see their disgusting little grubs crawling across the ceiling or up a wall! One even landed in the soup I was preparing last night! How do I get rid of them aside from burning my kitchen down?!

Signed,
The frustrated cook

Dear Frustrated Cook,

Since you are, I'm hoping, a cook worth his salt so to speak, you should have everything you need to drive the little bastards from your kitchen. An old Gridanian recipe is to take a clean cheesecloth (something any cook should have access to), and then bundle it up with the following things in any given larder: Bay leaves, cedar shavings, cinnamon sticks, cloves, eucalyptus leaves, lavender, peppercorns, rosemary, wormwood. I also recommend making sure all of your various clothing pieces you wear or keep in the kitchen area are fully cleaned and kept in a dry place.

Of course, you could always do nothing about it and hope for the best; as I understand it, some Wood Wailers subsist entirely on grubs and maggots for protein if they become lost in the Twelveswood. And if it's good enough for a desperate, starving man or woman, it's good enough for any moth-infested cook's kitchen.

Signed,

The Phoenix

CrookedTarot · **10-02-2014, 03:00 PM**

(10-02-2014, 02:32 PM)Jaques Wrote: Dear Phoenix,

Yer advice is a crock o chokoshitt. Tha tonic got rid o the lice but now al my hair fel out! Ye better prey I never fined out who ya are.

Signed,
The bald adventurer

Dear Bald Adventurer,

I suppose it's a good thing you didn't go with my alternative option and set your hair ablaze.

Signed,

The Phoenix

Askier · **10-02-2014, 03:04 PM**

Dear Phoenix,

This one wishes to inquire about the best way to apologize for killing a woman's husband while said husband was instructing this one on proper use of an axe. The husband instructed me to hit him, so I hit him with the sharp side as ordered. Â Am unsure what to do.

Signed,
A little black bird

CrookedTarot · **10-02-2014, 03:09 PM**

(10-02-2014, 03:04 PM)Askier Wrote: Dear Phoenix,

This one wishes to inquire about the best way to apologize for killing a woman's husband while said husband was instructing this one on proper use of an axe. The husband instructed me to hit him, so I hit him with the sharp side as ordered. Â Am unsure what to do.

Signed,
A little black bird

Dear Little Black Bird,

I'm going to answer this despite my editor's pleading and better judgment.

I would recommend that the best way to apologize, since I am sure this was an accident, is the same as it would be in any situation like this; flowers, letters of condolences and promises you don't intend to keep. If this woman is skilled in combat, I would also recommend visiting a Aesthetician for a good change to your appearance and then hopping to the first ferry to one of the other major cities. I hear Coerthas is lovely at no time of the year but most folks won't follow you there.

Signed,

The Phoenix

Melkire · **10-02-2014, 03:35 PM**

Dear Phoenix,

FamilyÂ can beÂ such a bother. Enlistment suited me back when I was turning my life around, but now I find soldiering tedious and boring. I fancy a change, and the change I fancy is transfer. Ran into a few tight spots under my former commanding officer, you see, that required quite a bit of legwork as well as a discerning eye. Though I abhor and despise their practices, I suppose I could work within the system of our local red-clad constabulary,Â for the good of the people and in the interest of my own satisfaction.

Alas! The wretches that call themselves my flesh and bloodÂ insist that I settle and marry, of all notions. I've neither the time nor the inclination for a husband, let alone children, and yet they won't hear a word against the idea! How do I go about getting their attention long enough for them to listen to me, short of setting their hair on fire?

Signed,

A SmallÂ Sunflower

P.S. I love my parents, but they can be such a bother at times.

P.P.S. Please pardon the desperation behind this letter. Appalling, that these wordsÂ could not be committed to parchment without suchÂ disgraceful behavior typical of the self-absorbed: "I, I, I, I, I." Apologies if I have offended.

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Ask the Phoenix [OPEN IC Advice Column]

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes