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Kattoki · **04-05-2016, 08:27 PM**

So recently I got married IC and while it's a fun thing both ic and ooc. IC my partner seems to have Â some issues with me doing certain things that ic are normal for me. OOC they have the same issue that restricts me from RPing with anyone else but them. Now I love RPing with my partner, but I feel very restricted and feel like I cannot do anything but abide by their rules.

So I feel kinda disappointed and depressed, I kinda feel like I am being driven away from doing RP which is something I love to do.

Menelwen · **04-05-2016, 08:33 PM**

This is something you need to talk to your rp partner about. Not us.

Lydia Lightfoot · **04-05-2016, 08:34 PM**

If it's an OOC issue, the player has no right to tell you what you can or can't do with your character (though, that said, if you were to choose to engage in an activity with your character that would have collateral impact/consequences on your friend's character, in my personal opinion it's polite to let them know that in advance so that they don't accidentally feel like you're trying to end the RP or something - misunderstandings happen when communication doesn't).

If it's an IC issue, then if your character is feeling like their new spouse is being controlling or clingy, then the same thing applies as would in a real-life relationship... they just need to talk it out and establish clearer boundaries.

Aya · **04-05-2016, 08:34 PM**

An IC marriage is not an OOC commitment. If you're not having fun, and the two of you are no longer on the same page, its time to look for something else I think.

McBeefâ„¢ · **04-05-2016, 08:35 PM**

IC Divorce!
Evangeline has reasonable hourly rates if you need a divorce attorney.

LiadansWhisper · **04-05-2016, 08:36 PM**

If it's not working for you OOC, then leave the RP.

TheLastCandle · **04-05-2016, 08:36 PM**

(04-05-2016, 08:34 PM)Aya Wrote: An IC marriage is not an OOC commitment. If you're not having fun, and the two of you are no longer on the same page, its time to look for something else I think.

This x1000. OP set off an alarm in my head as soon as I read it. But I'd also echo the sentiments of the poster who said that it's something you'd be better served talking to your RP partner about.

Kattoki · **04-05-2016, 08:46 PM**

Thanks for all the posts, yeah I will talk to them. Hopefully it all goes well if not then maybe I might have pull the plug in the relationship.

Aaron · **04-05-2016, 09:19 PM**

Or you can just stab them repeatedly.

Kattoki · **04-05-2016, 09:44 PM**

(04-05-2016, 09:19 PM)Aaron Wrote: Or you can just stab them repeatedly.

I could stab them repeatedly...

Miakoda · **04-05-2016, 09:52 PM**

Saw this once on Tumblr- not sure if it applies to your exact situation, but sharing is caring.

â€¦donâ€™t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.
TheÂ Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > DiscardÂ cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say â€œmostâ€ because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).
Idolize:Â the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the targetâ€™s new best friend. Â Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.
Isolate:Â the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. Theyâ€™ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the targetâ€™s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the targetâ€™s friends are â€œmeanâ€ or â€œjealousâ€ and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.
Devalue:Â when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly canâ€™t seem to do anything right. Â The targetâ€™s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuserâ€™s character with the targetâ€™s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they donâ€™t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment. Â In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the targetâ€™s fault, i.e. â€œLOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.â€ Â Gifts only come as â€œmakeupâ€ presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the targetâ€™s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon.Â
Discard:Â the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that theyâ€™re the reason the abuser doesnâ€™t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.
Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if theyâ€™re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts).Â
In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.
Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until itâ€™s already too late, the biggest thing you can do isÂ watch out for your friends and guildies. Â Weâ€™re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe. Â If you feel like somebodyâ€™s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system,Â donâ€™t be afraid to speak up. Â I donâ€™t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinciâ€™s asshole, they donâ€™t get a pass.
If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember thatÂ no plot or friendship is worth your mental health. Â Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you canâ€™t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why). Â Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors. Â Youâ€™re not alone, no matter what they tell you.

Kattoki · **04-05-2016, 10:37 PM**

(04-05-2016, 09:52 PM)Miakoda Wrote: Saw this once on Tumblr- not sure if it applies to your exact situation, but sharing is caring.

â€¦donâ€™t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.
TheÂ Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > DiscardÂ cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say â€œmostâ€ because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).
Idolize:Â the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the targetâ€™s new best friend. Â Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.
Isolate:Â the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. Theyâ€™ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the targetâ€™s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the targetâ€™s friends are â€œmeanâ€ or â€œjealousâ€ and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.
Devalue:Â when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly canâ€™t seem to do anything right. Â The targetâ€™s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuserâ€™s character with the targetâ€™s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they donâ€™t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment. Â In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the targetâ€™s fault, i.e. â€œLOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.â€ Â Gifts only come as â€œmakeupâ€ presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the targetâ€™s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon.Â
Discard:Â the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that theyâ€™re the reason the abuser doesnâ€™t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.
Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if theyâ€™re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts).Â
In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.
Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until itâ€™s already too late, the biggest thing you can do isÂ watch out for your friends and guildies. Â Weâ€™re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe. Â If you feel like somebodyâ€™s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system,Â donâ€™t be afraid to speak up. Â I donâ€™t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinciâ€™s asshole, they donâ€™t get a pass.
If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember thatÂ no plot or friendship is worth your mental health. Â Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you canâ€™t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why). Â Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors. Â Youâ€™re not alone, no matter what they tell you.

This sound very messed up. But I can see what your getting at, I have to agree my time steam, skype, ingame discord is all being taken up by this person, I have resorted to being in offline mode to hide from them because I want to play something else. I fear going on skype because they might message me asking where I have been, even if its only been a day. I feel guilty, or made to feel guilty when I have been away. Then get asked if I really want to be in this relationship, then the other person will be upset and log out and such. All this keeps making me feel like I am shitty person, but really I just want my space, but I never get that space.

Aurou · **04-05-2016, 10:38 PM**

Everyone else gave good advice. Once RP stops being fun and starts to make you feel depressed it's time to move on to something else. Talk with your IC partner and let them know how you're feeling. Give the option of either chilling out and letting you go back to doing things that you normally enjoy or cutting the RP with them completely.

There is absolutely no reason why a pretend relationship should cause you so much grief. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be happy again. If they are a true friend they will understand!

AmeKusakari · **04-05-2016, 11:19 PM**

I agree with allot of these comments. Â This happened to me in another MMO, and it ultimately turned very sour. Â She would get mad if I rp'ed in tavern or with other people, but her character could rp and flirt all he wanted without issue because he was a bartender and it was 'his job' to chat and flirt Icly. Â They can get controlling and emotionally abusive. Â I would definitely talk to them and make sure they know where you stand, don't let it kill your rp. Â I nearly quit rp because of this person and if it hadn't been for my legion-mates and partner irl, I would have just walked away from the game altogether.

This is honestly my biggest fear about IC relationships, when the person cannot separate IC and OOC, and get possessive of your time and guilt you into spending time with them. Â Considering as you said it's at the point you had to hide yourself online, it's already a big red flag. Â You should not have to hide from your rp partners/friends, ever.

Lydia Lightfoot · **04-05-2016, 11:24 PM**

Some of what you've said is a little situational. For instance, I care about my friends and if someone is ordinarily around daily, and suddenly they're just gone for a full day or two without having said anything, of course I'm going to worry and I'll be curious what happened, and I'll ask them when they get back. But, like most things, the devil's in the details - if the way that the person exhibits this behavior comes across as less "worry" and more "how dare you not be at my beck and call", well, then obviously that's uncool.

Communication is key, though. If you try to communicate your concerns with them and they don't respond in a constructive manner (e.g. they react with guilt trips, manipulative comments, ultimatums, etc) then you know they aren't really interested in your friendship, because friends communicate.

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RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes