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No Love for Straight Women


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Yesterday someone I know explained my current plight in the game: I'm a straight woman who plays straight female characters and it's nigh impossible to find any straight males to RP flirtation/romance/love/marriage with. The responses, apparently, were humorous shock and a lot of resistance to the idea of remedying this bizarre dearth. That part really confused me. What's so repulsive about guys who like gals?

 

I'm curious. Why the lack of straight male characters? Are men afraid to be accused of harassment? Is there literally no interest in het love anymore? A quick search for in-game marriage videos on YouTube seems to suggest het love is alive and well... on non-RP servers.

 

Tell me, RP community, why straight women have the fewest options. I can't help what my tastes and orientation are, and am shocked at how much the RP world has changed since I first began in the '90s. Admittedly, I also have the tall order of not wanting a random hookup or being assumed into a Seeker's "harem", but to be honest, I've seen maybe 3 straight men in two months of RP.

 

I'm not bashing people who RP otherwise, just wanted to understand the strange absence of het guys.

Edited by Nerdessence
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I know plenty of characters who are single heterosexual males who's players ask the same questions of where all the straight women are. I've never seen anyone act repulsed by heterosexual pairings or found a dearth of straight males who I go looking for them!

 

I don't know how large the Rp community is over on Brynhildr but with how many people there are on Balmung and Mateus it just seems to me a matter of statistics, there's bound to be plenty of fish in the sea you just might not be looking for them the right way. It sounds like you're interested in something a bit more meaningful than a hookup so by all means you should try to make a making connections post here or elsewhere that might be seen by the sort of folks you want to Rp with. Romance aside, you really have to start looking for the sort of Rp you want regardless of what it is if you want to make good use of your time, waiting around or hoping to bump into the right person has never really suited me as a method for finding good and rewarding roleplay.

 

 

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I feel that maybe you haven't been lucky, and also that we're dangerously verging on making blanket statements on complicated subjects that are even harder to tackle without surveys of significant scope... 

 

That said, I'll leave my own (non judgmental) blanket statement and state that a lot of RPers choose to play the opposite gender and are usually attracted into more gay romances. This goes for both genders, and somewhere it seems a lot more balanced than 10 or 15 years ago where the female population of gamers wasn't... on the same scale at all. I'll admit that this blanket statement is mostly based on my own experience and acquaintances in roleplay in this community. 

 

It would also be totally dishonest not to point out that you just have to take a look at the connections forum to see that there is indeed still regular appearance of heterosexual characters.

 

 

Edit: oh also, I somewhat suspect that how romance in RP communities is usually envisioned by roleplayers is far, far away from what you would usually find in any non erotic novel. Not that there is anything wrong with the latter, but I think there is a true lack of the former. And I bet people would be a lot less turned down by any kind of orientation with such romances, but maybe I'm dreaming. It's just that there is often a shift in my opinion toward the more carnal side of romance.

Edited by Valence
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we're around, just

1. busy irl

2. romance is a secondary nice-to-have but not really main focus rp-wise

3. building relationships can be pleasant but takes time. you'll probably have better luck sending a PM to someone whose character you like and read about on the wiki, then starting forum RP scenes with them here for back-and-forth writing. ask if you can have a hook, such as being childhood friends. this is handy when on different timezones/servers

 

4. even better if you reach out by sending them IC correspondence, whether through ingame mail or a forum PM. build a cordial acquaintance, professional work friendship, or even just casual intimacy between two living breathing characters in the world first, then see how it develops from there

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I can only guess that you've just had bad luck so far. I've seen plenty of men who like women in the game. Perhaps you're not 'seeing' them because you're not going around asking them? Which, admittedly, many would consider kind of rude, but I'm sure there's more out there than you presume, they just aren't being as obvious about it.

 

Naturally, I'm only talking about the characters.

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Im on Mateus and as a straight male im in the same boat. Its all crazy futa or herm this or nunh that. The biggest issue i have is it is is hard to find people that can keep it in game. Hey we are being romantic with each other and no i dont want you to call me! Not sure if this is all normal as im still new but that is what ive seen so far

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This is just my opinion from my own observations over a very long time roleplaying:

 

We live in a society which even today is... at best largely heteronormative even if open to other ideas, and, at worst homophobic and discriminatory. People roleplay in order to experience a fantasy escape from reality, and so it makes sense to me that there would be a very high proportion of characters who would be non-hetero in an environment where that's mostly not something where they're going to have to deal with a lot of social anger. Many of them likely write characters who represent what they wish they could explore in real life, such as being able to explore a neat old tomb, or travel to a faraway land, or be somebody tough and strong who doesn't have to take crap from bullies, and so the same logic works for topics of sexuality, too. A lot of people have to live in repression even in 2018 or deal with negative consequences, so... they write as a way to explore. Maybe. Again, it's just my thoughts on it.

 

That said, there are hetero (and also non-hetero whose interests include women) out there. Both of my current characters are hetero and, yeah, finding compatible characters for either of them hasn't been a suffocating mob of froth-mouthed interested persons, but, nor would I say it's really a chore to have met people on them, either. I guess all I can advise is to be patient and to put your character into as many open event activities as possible. I'm not sure how much of that occurs on your server, though. I really couldn't say.

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I have played a couple of straight male chars in this game and it was like being some kind of invisible person. This is something I have not found when playing female chars, so i figured it was the gender of the char not me.

 

I am not hung up on any male/female thing myself but the contrast was quite stark. 

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There's a few things I've noticed. A lot of people choose to play bisexual/pansexual characters because, and I've asked because I was curious, it keeps RP options open. A lot of folk tend to prioritize actually having the RP available vs the RP being of a specific flavor. Why narrow half the RP pool? So they don't.
 

Straight characters also tend to not "advertise" their sexuality as hard for whatever reason. With bisexual or gay characters you tend to see a lot more of the gender signs in the notes indicating what they like and don't like and not so much with straight characters. This might unintentionally make you feel like you have the only straight character in the room when that probably isn't the case though you might be a minority. I've gotta be honest and also say finding a partner for my hetero characters has always been difficult, especially when starting from scratch.
 

Also, in my experience, a lot of RPers tend to be OOCly female and they gravitate towards making straight female and gay male characters. Males that do play don't always roll male avatars and end up making female ones, resulting in the pool of characters we have. Here again, my personal observations, not blanketing this as the norm. I've heard the players of straight male characters complain of this so you're not alone but even then I don't know too many who play these characters yet they often seem frustrated they can't seem to find any hetero females around. I noticed you're on Brynhildr as well. The RP climate over there could be totally different than it is on Balmung/Mateus so take my observations with a grain of salt. The following is pretty solid advice though.
 

Don't be afraid to just message people. Everyone's RP tags usually say something akin to "Walkups/Tells Welcome" so make use of it. Start conversations, discuss your characters. Browse RPC wikis and tumblrs. Link your profile. Get out there and meet as many characters as possible. It's a lot of work and takes a lot of time but meeting contacts is always like that. Also bear in mind that even if you meet characters that are compatible with yours orientation-wise it doesn't mean they will be in the personality, rp or time department. You should definitely have enough other things going on with your character to keep you in the game despite not being in a relationship.

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There is a grain of truth to this perception. Right now in most of my current circles my character is one of the few straight male characters being rp'd around, and for the most part the ones that are there are quite certainly taken. That said these characters aren't just a myth, they do exist and there are more than a few looking for romance partners as well. The one thing I can say is that you may need to look harder because as Tea says we tend to fade into the crowd, because we just don't advertise our character's orientation like that. I put more all around applicable info in my search info, such as the fact that my character is Sharlayan, or that as of right now he almost always looks exhausted. Things that I want people to notice right away. And while this isn't something that is applicable only to straight characters, you are far less likely to see us listing gender preferences in our search info. My advice is to also scrounge around tumblr and the wiki's. While some of these may be out of date ((especially wikis)) they are generally where most players put their character's orientation and relationship status.

 

I don't know what the rp community on Brynhyldir is like, but keep an eye out for events that advertise single's nights or even just random meet up rps. We've had a few things like that on Balmung, though the former hasn't happened in some time, and they can be perfect opportunities to get a more blatant showing of who is around looking for what you are. And if there are no events like that give some thought to running one. Even if it is a one off there may be others on your server stuck in the same position as you who could benefit greatly from such an event.

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Just my speculation and two cents here... Nerdy communities are often a gathering place for people who are oppressed or otherwise don't fit in IRL. RP communities are even nerdier communities within an already nerdy community. Naturally, it's no surprise LGBT+ people and themes will have a heavy presence... along with men who fetishize lesbians and therefore play female/futa characters rather than male characters, and girls who consider themselves "fujioshi," or women who just want to hide away on (often gay) male characters to avoid harassment from men that would come if they were to play female characters or hint at their RL gender. The more... socially stereotypical men tend to think RP romance, RP in general, or even video games in general (or at least ones that don't involve sports or shooting) are girly or weird or too nerdy, so you won't as often find them RPing male characters and trying to woo female characters, and when you do they sadly tend to be creepers.

And as Teadrinker mentioned, there are a lot of people who may be gay/straight IRL but opt to play pan/bi characters to keep RP options and opportunities more open, and straight people often don't advertise their orientation as much as LGB people. IRL, heterosexuality is assumed to be the "norm," so there's no need to broadcast it, whereas LGB people have to find a way to signal to and attract other LGB people. Fittingly or not, the same culture gets applied to MMO's and RP and how people behave there. Straight people/characters just... kinda tend to blend in. There are probably more around than it seems.

So what's so repulsive about heterosexual men? Nothing, really. Aside from the rare escaped tumblr radfem or hardcore SJW, or kinda squicky yaoi/yuri fans, most people aren't going to find heterosexual romance "repulsive." I'd imagine the only reason people are brushing off your concerns are either because they don't see the issue as a "problem" that needs fixed (less sexual harassment for female players/players of female characters to deal with, more LGB representation and normalization, etc.), or it's not something that they believe is happening to begin with. I guess I can't speak for anyone else, and things may be different in smaller/other RP communities, but I've had no shortage of straight/bisexual male characters hitting on my female characters on Balmung, or even their players unfortunately hitting on me IRL. =/ So I can't say I've experienced this as a problem. I'm fortunate to have found an RP partner who plays many straight men, and I feel like I've been beating other male characters away from my characters with sticks. I think you would have better luck in a larger RP community.

Regardless, though I understand the frustrations and disappointment of not having romance and/or sex to RP,  there is plenty of other fun RP to be had, and I'm sure the romance will eventually fall into place along the way. If you're willing to make the change, I'd recommend checking out the RP on Mateus, or on Balmung when it opens in the future. If you're up for out of game and cross server RP, there's no shortage of people looking for FFXIV related RP on tumblr and Discord, or even potentially here on the forums.

Edited by Faye
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Brynhildr is my main server, but the RP community is pretty much nil, despite my efforts to attract people there. I respect that and have fun with my RL husband, but occasionally, I want a more social RP scene and a character who isn't automatically his mate/counterpart/wife. We both have "solo" characters on Mateus (even if we generally end up having to RP together anyway). He plays both genders, I only play female. Right now, I'm trying my hand with a cloistered type good girl named Aila Drever on Mateus. She's currently marooned in Limsa, being a new character, but if anyone wants to take a run at her, by all means...

 

The answers pretty much aligned with what I suspected. That's fine. I think RP is wish-fulfillment and we should all do what we want! Thanks for the replies, all.

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I'm with Faye on this, pretty much. Also, fair warning, what I'm about to say might offend someone, so heads up.

 

My character is a straight female Au Ra. I don't have any issue with LBGT characters whatsoever - it's just that this particular character happens to like dudes.

 

A lot of the time, during regular RP with a few previous guilds, I've felt very much like the odd one out when it came to the characters that were a part of those guilds. It's hard to explain, but while my character was never 100% directly propositioned, it felt "expected" in those guilds that my character be up for some random intimacy with the other ladies of the guild. The first time this happened, I didn't see it coming, and then my character reacted awkwardly about it, as expected. I think I unintentionally offended the members of that group in doing so, but I guess I needed to make it clearer that my character was heterosexual? 

 

The second time it happened, I was able to sort of extricate her from the situation as I realized what was coming. I don't know for sure if that offended people, though. 

 

There's nothing repulsive about any character with any sexual orientation. No. Really. IDGAF. My second character that I'm still fleshing out is bisexual. It's all good. The only time I have an issue is when it seems to be "expected" in certain situations. When there's exclusion, but not really exclusion. Kind of like everyone's just having a good time, and then, "Oh....that character is heterosexual". 

 

Someone kick me if that ramble didn't make sense/was offensive. Because I SERIOUSLY don't mean it to be. :(

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If a player is 'offended' that your character won't hook up with theirs, for whatever reason, then eject. Immediately. As with pretty much any rp scenario, if players start treating you awkwardly or badly OOCly after your characters make choices that might not have been what their character wanted then just bounce out cause that's big a red flag. It's not clear from your description if that was occurring here but the course is pretty clear when that kind of thing happens.

You're not doing anything wrong by recounting your experience. Orientation really shouldn't matter that much in general RP. It sounds like you were just in an environment with folk who really prioritized the romantic and erotic side of things, regardless of orientation, and you needed to find a better fitting group anyway.

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1 hour ago, Teadrinker said:

It's not clear from your description if that was occurring here but the course is pretty clear when that kind of thing happens.

 

Yeah, I was having trouble finding a way to accurately describe it. You know how you're in a room with people, just kind of talking about stuff, and you can just kind of feel the mood slowly starting to change? That's kind of the way it was, except it was like I was the only one who didn't roll with the mood change and was kind of side-eyed, so to speak. In this case, the mood change rapidly moved towards suggestively sexual. This particular character was not interested in group intimacy with multiple women, essentially, but this was something that group apparently did on a regular basis, as I found out much, much later. 

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1 hour ago, Drej said:

I'm with Faye on this, pretty much. Also, fair warning, what I'm about to say might offend someone, so heads up.

 

My character is a straight female Au Ra. I don't have any issue with LBGT characters whatsoever - it's just that this particular character happens to like dudes.

 

A lot of the time, during regular RP with a few previous guilds, I've felt very much like the odd one out when it came to the characters that were a part of those guilds. It's hard to explain, but while my character was never 100% directly propositioned, it felt "expected" in those guilds that my character be up for some random intimacy with the other ladies of the guild. The first time this happened, I didn't see it coming, and then my character reacted awkwardly about it, as expected. I think I unintentionally offended the members of that group in doing so, but I guess I needed to make it clearer that my character was heterosexual? 

 

The second time it happened, I was able to sort of extricate her from the situation as I realized what was coming. I don't know for sure if that offended people, though. 

 

There's nothing repulsive about any character with any sexual orientation. No. Really. IDGAF. My second character that I'm still fleshing out is bisexual. It's all good. The only time I have an issue is when it seems to be "expected" in certain situations. When there's exclusion, but not really exclusion. Kind of like everyone's just having a good time, and then, "Oh....that character is heterosexual". 

 

Someone kick me if that ramble didn't make sense/was offensive. Because I SERIOUSLY don't mean it to be. :(

 

some rp subcultures are:

 

1. obsessed with making orientation and sexual preferences an upfront primary aspect of their toon. to the point of putting in things like "F/Fu only" etc. in their bio

 

2. used to instant hookups and onetime encounters, rather than long-term character development with a reliable partner

 

3. unhealthily focused on contriving situations to make characters suffer, whether emotionally or physically. "lol i cheated on you," "lol found someone else so divorce now," "lol i got hurt and there's nothing you can do about it" - forcing outcomes instead of allowing partners reactive opportunities is simply a dick move, whether straight or queer

 

i see female players and female characters both here and ingame who look for traditional male-female courtship and love story fairytales, or who like having classical character archetypes. things like being graceful nobility/princess-like, having childhood friends, heartfelt pledges, romantic sexual tension - it's not that unusual or weird. 

 

some rp events/styles simply tend toward modern-style casual meetups or standing around in a bar all day, as opposed to having adventurous opportunities where the above archetypes can thrive. wanting to fall in love and work toward a happy ending can be very rewarding - but you may just have to look for it outside of such big group settings, and reach out to the right individuals. 

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I feel your pain. In the past I've had a hard time finding het romance, and questioned about it like it was rude for me to have a different/exclusive orientation for my character. With that said, I have rped girl/girl, male/male, poly, asexual, het love..I mean I'm very fluid and I love each one. But I do agree it's harder to find het but like previously stated above, I don't think it's advertised as much as lgbt+. Personally, I put it in my profile but I like action/adventure/open world RP way more and my romances have to make sense and with meaning, not flings. 

 

But yeah, reach out to other people, they could be feeling the same way as you. 

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58 minutes ago, Kieron Lohengrin said:

unhealthily focused on contriving situations to make characters suffer

 

I've always thought this was such a weird fixation among RPers. I get the appeal of having some sort of past trauma to help shape your characters. Even I'm guilty of that, but it seems like so many RPers go out of their way to be as self destructive as possible with their characters for no reason other than to make them suffer.

 

I understand that there's joy to be had in overcoming struggles, but when people choose to consistently undo all the progress their character makes, I tend to just stop caring about the character entirely.

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1 hour ago, Valen said:

 

I've always thought this was such a weird fixation among RPers. I get the appeal of having some sort of past trauma to help shape your characters. Even I'm guilty of that, but it seems like so many RPers go out of their way to be as self destructive as possible with their characters for no reason other than to make them suffer.

 

I understand that there's joy to be had in overcoming struggles, but when people choose to consistently undo all the progress their character makes, I tend to just stop caring about the character entirely.


I think that this is in partial to an attempt to push back against the dreaded 'Mary Sue'. I've seen it often where people say that they want to ensure that their character isn't perfect. They don't want their character to be seemingly perfect or have a perfect well adjusted home life. So they start throwing on hardships and difficulties. Which by all means; sure- have your character go through trials and tribulations but it starts to get really far reaching when pushed. I've been in conversations of people who do push their characters into incredibly dark aspects because "I don't want to be seen as a snowflake". Interestingly this ends up pushing the character into a different sort of trope which is the Woobie. People try very hard not to be seen as this trope or that trope, but end up getting themselves into <insert> trope regardless. I personally like giving characters obstacles; I love seeing the character rise above them; and I will admit when I was first starting out rp and a lot younger; I did participate in the 'edgy mcedgeson'-ness.

 t's really something people have to balance in their writing. I mean I've seen people say "I don't want any slice of life rp" but socializing for characters is important even if it's like socializing with just a small group or if you're writing in npcs between another friend. I do majority of my rp with my husband; we have multiple characters and we utilize npcs. And while we do involve ourselves with action based stuff we ensure that we have 'casual' and less hard edged roleplay because it's important for character building.

Edited by Fox
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17 hours ago, Khaidu said:

Plenty of straight dudes out there.
I speak from experience.
Maybe it's your approach.

 

It probably was, Khaidu. I always try to make plain-looking characters in normal to frumpy clothing. I also never learned the art of flirtation (IC or OOC). My few very mild attempts garnered confused responses or the character didn't pick up on it. 

 

I tend to be a passive female, waiting on male initiation, so that probably has something to do with it as well. Again, that's my taste and personality at play.

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As someone who plays both genders with different orientations on many different characters, I personally feel that it is, sadly, a matter of chance on what kind of person you meet. Faye really hit the mark and I have little to add to it other than to remind you to keep an open mind. There are people out there who will use their characters to pursue sexual fetishes, live a double life, etc, but not everyone is like that. I have straight men, straight females, and a pansexual female. Some of my characters want to settle down, and some just want to jump from person to person. Something that I retained from a Q&A panel for RWBY one year was if any of the characters were going to actually be LGBT or not. It was smack dab in the middle of when the movement was going at its strongest and companies had to be very careful in how they responded as to not offend anyone. I don't have a quote unfortunately, but they basically said "We have characters, characters who are written and fleshed out over hours and hours of writing and brainstorming. Is it possible for them to develop romance? Yes, but if it does then it will be because the character grew into it, not to appease an agenda." I thought that was a pretty good way of looking at it. Our characters take a life of their own and don't necessarily reflect on us as a person. There are boundaries, but those should be discussed player to player out of respect. In the end, RP is however someone wants to play it, but if you feel uncomfortable with an advancement I would tell them OOC and be as polite as you can be. You never know what kind of person you are RPing with until you start so there's going to be some hit and miss in there, but you only have to find one good one to have a friend for the rest of your gaming life. : )

 

P.S. I've had two straight guys single, one repeatedly, and one for a straight year. Lesson learned: Don't make a lalafel and nice, shy guys finish last. lol

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None of us have done any empirical research on this, so everything is basically supposition. That said, straight characters are probably a majority. Maybe a slim one for the reasons others have said above - players more comfortable engaging in LGBTQ characters as escapism on a fantasy server being the largest - but still a likely majority nevertheless. It's a pity the Daedalus Project is now defunct. It would have been nice to see some numbers in the 2010+ and outside of WoW.

 

I guess OP's last post is the most telling. This could very easily have been another "Why can't I get anyone to RP with me" thread in general terms, of the style which the board receives on a regular basis. Narrowing it to "Why can't I get any straight guys to RP with me"* makes it look different, but it's fundamentally the same problem with the same responses, which OP has provided herself.

 

While LGBTQ+ characters are highly visible and tend to congregate together, that says more about where people are congregating and at what times. I can't reasonably expect that my time spent around the Quicksand selling garbage gives me a good sample of RP character demographics by sexuality, otherwise every Roegadyn and Highlander has 12". Other areas like FCs, events, and world RP, may have more accurate representation.

 

Straight characters, on the other hand, tend not to advertise straightness (heteronormativity and all that, as mentioned above). The characters that have advertised straightness tend to be part of a small, highly obnoxious minority of guys interested in assembling in RP harem through manipulation and abusive tactics. They don't leave a good impression. I can see why people would not want to be associated with that.

 


*Answer: Frumpy appearance and a reliance on somebody else starting first, as stated. Straight RPers are not approaching for the same reason straight guys would not approach the same IRL. Change approach, change the problem, although you'll have to ask yourself how much change you are willing to live with: can you survive losing the frumpiness or the passivity and still enjoy the RP?

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One, I will admit I didn't read this entire topic, so-- sorry for that!
But I will say, as a female gamer, I'm straight rl-- I play all my females straight.
I also play 80% of my men straight as well.

 

There are people who want to play folks straight, you just have to be patient and they will crop up eventually.
There are more of 'em out there than you realize too, just they are not so obviously looking for love in all the places.

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Here's my bluntly stated take on it, as someone who does and has played all the things, but has RPed more straight men than anything in total: 

In my experience, which is of course just my experience, though it spans over many years, forums, and games, there are more women RPers on MMOs, and they also tend to stick around longer in higher numbers. Most of them will be playing women characters. So I would agree there is a dearth of straight male characters in a game this age compared to their female counterparts. Not to mention like other people have said, if you dock the OOC creepers, that's even fewer.

But I also agree there are far more than it can sometimes seem, and a lot of times for people lamenting this issue, it's not a lack of men, but a lack of men that click with your specific lady character.

For me and at least for the crowds I run with, being "frumpy" isn't an issue; in fact, a lot of us are more likely to gravitate toward more Brienne of Tarth types than yet another drop-dead gorgeous supermodel, who can certainly be great characters, but are still a dime a dozen if you want to, again, just talk numbers.

The biggest problem? Passiveness and wallflowerism. Yes, people should be allowed to RP what, how, who they want. I don't disagree. But. You're not going to find a lot of storybook princes twiddling their thumbs, awaiting his damsel to rescue, because these are RP characters played by real people, and you're not going to find many real people like that. No one likes to feel like they're doing all the work in RP, or that they're nothing more than a replaceable wish fulfillment token, which is typically the vibe I get from people RPing passive/"submissive" women whose players are making a point to emphasize their want for romance. And it's why I nope off in the other direction real quick. 

I would suggest to all the ladies out there playing strictly passive, heterosexual women who really, really want romance to be part of their RP life and are having no luck,  learn to 1. Give a little more effort on your end and 2. Be patient.  

You don't necessarily have to change your character, but you do have to put effort in. Your character likes a guy but they're too shy to say so? Show it. Have them glance at them a little too long in RPs. Have them go out of their way to get them a gift that involves a hobby the guy briefly mentioned. And most importantly, respect the character you're playing across from as something other than a potential tool to give you the warm and fuzzies OOC. 

When I say "be patient" I don't mean just in searching, but also after finding a potentially compatible romantic partner. To save my life I could not remember how many times I've had a male character where the player of the lady RPing with him goes on and on about how much their character likes him, yet if it takes more than a week for him to fall madly in love with her -- especially if another straight, single male happens to appear -- then poof! All interest is gone.

Avoid these pitfalls and you will have no issue finding a partner for your character in good time, IMO. My women never have any issues at least. And like others have said, moving to a more populated server will help. Mateus would be my suggestion.  

Edited by SQUAWK
edit: spellingz
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